A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend is a lot older (he's 46 I'm 24) and I asked why he was with me. His first response was "I don't know the answer to that" later he said "because I like you". I want to know why he's with me but he just gets frustrated when I ask. I am feeling insecure.what should I do?
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male
reader, Apollo44 +, writes (12 March 2013):
As one thats dating a younger woman myself..She is 27 and Im 45.Sometimes we dont want to answer that question. We just know we enjoy your company and we want to be happy. We know you will enventaually want all the things we already been through already and we mught want to take it a day at a time.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (14 February 2013):
 I have to retract a statement I made last night...
I did ask my husband about looking at local ESCORTS...
we do not have escorts in our state it's illegal but he came from a state that had legal escorts and he did use them in the past.
He told me that he DOES look at local girls... (and yes I was very upset by this news) he even told me how to find them and why he does (they are local and you can see stats on them and stuff) BUT they are NOT escorts nor is he considering contacting any of them...
So my 39 yr old hubby says that yeah HE looks at local girls with no intentions of contacting them. So here is ONE male vote for the fact that the OP's guy may be telling the truth.... ME I dont' buy it.
I called foul and could NOT wrap my head around why he needed to look at LOCAL girls and I told him this bothers me. I don't mind him looking at porn.... but I truly am bothered by him looking at local girls....
the thing is I know my husband and he knows me and how I feel about this and he knows if there was someone he felt compelled to meet he would come to me and I would be receptive to hearing his reasonings..... we don't lie or keep secrets...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2013): How many times have you asked him why he is with you? You see, asking the same question over and over (no matter what it is) is annoying. No wonder he gets frustrated at you. What do you want him to say? Why don't you say more specifically what is on your mind to him?
If he is looking up escorts he is intending to use them.
Therefore to turn your question back on yourself, why are YOU with him?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2013): This is a very annoying question to keep asking your partner regardless of his age!! Because clearly as far as you're concerned there is a "right" answer and a "wrong" answer but you're not telling him instead you want him to guess what you want to hear. if you're this insecure you shouldn't be in this relationship or you're going to destroy it with behaviors like this that drive the other person away eventually.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (14 February 2013):
 So he's honest and tells you when he's looking for local escorts? Really?
What you've written about him for me would be ... dump the guy. And try to figure out why you feel so insecure. But only after he's been dumped.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (14 February 2013):
OP thank you for the honest answers.
here's my take on each one:
good reasons to stay in a romance, not much to base a life on.... so are you with him for a reason a season or a lifetime? or do you not know?
glad to see you met in person at a normal place... no dating sites.... do you have a history of older men or does he have a history of younger women (if you know)
dating 8 months you want to know where you stand... seems reasonable... so maybe you are asking the wrong question... the question "why are you with me" is so ambiguous... perhaps what you want to know is 'how do you feel about me?" or "where do you see this relationship going?"
Here's where the problem comes in, You SAY you want honesty but if he said "i'm with you because you are young and firm and look good on my arm" you would leave... can you see WHY he doesn't have an answer for you that you like?
as for PDA....some men do not do it. My parents never did PDA it was not my mother's style apparently because I see my father holding his girlfriend's hand in public... My husband does not reach for my hand in public but He will let me hold his. I on the other hand will barely peck him in public... I don't like kissing in public but I don't mind hand holding... everyone feels differently about PDA
and to be honest with your large age gap I can understand why he does not want to hold your hand. Folks will either think you are his daughter or consider him a pedophile since I'm betting you do not look as old as you think you do.
as for walking too fast... that's WHY I hold my husband's hand to slow him down.
It seems to me (and I may be wrong) that your reasons for insecurity based on his public behavior are because you deem PDA as a way to indicate relationship. You want to "claim" your territory because you are insecure thinking he's so wonderful that other women will try to snatch him from you....
The ONLY thing that really concerns me (and deep down inside it concerns you too or you would not have mentioned it) is this statement:
"He also tends to look up local escorts (but swears he'd never actually contact them)"
Why in the world would a man in a relationship that he was committed to even need to LOOK up local escorts? I want to ask my husband (who used escorts before we met) if a man would even bother to LOOK UP local escorts if he was not going to use them but I'm too afraid he will laugh me out of the room.....
Looking at porn online is one thing... but looking up LOCAL ESCORTS.... if he says he would never contact them have you asked him WHY he looks them up then??? Seriously honey, he's not looking them up for the jerking off value of them...
Your RADAR is good.... you have a very subtle sense that something is NOT QUITE RIGHT..... you are too young to waste time on a man that does not respect your relationship enough to give up escorts.
I am a huge supporter of age gap relationships. My husband is 13 years YOUNGER than I am... but just because you are younger than he is does not mean he can treat you like a child.
I think that you need to clarify with him where he sees the relationship... are you guys monogamous? Committed? where does he see the relationship going?
the problem is I think you may be on two different pages in terms of what you want from the relationship...
he's 46... if he's never married or recently divorced, then he's probably not interested in anything serious....
if you are ok with that, then it doesn't matter why he's with you.
if you are not ok with that, you need to decide if you want to stay with him.... and "grow more feelings" for him as time progresses.... IF you do that and he's honest with you about where he stands, them in a few years when your biological clock goes off and you want marriage and babies and he's nearly 50 and says "I don't want marriage or babies" then you have to leave him and start over or accept that you will have to have life with him on his terms.
very far in the future... but things women in general need to consider. Men can father children at any age... women have a much smaller window of fertility.,
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A
male
reader, human_male  +, writes (14 February 2013):
 It's not the movies where a woman asks a man why he likes her and he looks into her eyes and gives her this perfect speech that makes her melt. In real life guys hate being asked these loaded questions. You just ask him because you want validations, you want him to make you feel good. It's not always easy. Try telling him why you like him.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2013): "what should I do?"Realize that you are involved in a mutually dysfunctional relationship where you are each feeding off the other's pathology, and your neediness and insecurity and clinginess is the manifestation of your long-term deep-seated issues.Middle-aged boyfriend is likely seeking refuge from confronting his lost youth, unfulfilled ambitions and pending mortality by taking up with a chick half his age to delude himself into thinking he's still physically attractive, strong, studly and virile. Twenty-something girlfriend is likely seeking refuge from confronting her feelings of abandonment and lack of male attention and affection by taking up with a surrogate Daddy who can serve as all-in-one faux-father, faux-husband, and faux-head of household. If he knocks you up, then he'll be thrilled to show the world that he can still get it up and his balls still work, and you'll be thrilled to finally have an instant family just like the one you always wanted but never had. What you should do is rigorously practice birth control while you seek counselling to get to the roots of your insecurity so you can resolve and overcome your issues, allowing you to move on to a healthy, functional relationship with a compatible, suitable other half.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (13 February 2013):
This is a question that most guys really don't like to answer. It's a trap half the time, and the other half there is no right answer except whatever the girl wants to hear.
My recommendation is to stop fishing for compliments and be happy that he DID choose you, whatever his reasons.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe's sweet, romantic, thoughtfulWe met at the movie theater.He's a scorpio so maybe that is the problemI'm a libra and he's not very emotinally expressive.We've been together 8 months.No, I would leave if he gave me an answer like that!But I do want him to be honest.I'm insecure because he isn't very affectionate in public.sure, he holds the door but he doesn't hold my hand or kiss me and at the store he tends to walk off and leave me and I have to speed up.He also tends to look up local escorts (but swears he'd never actually contact them)
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan  +, writes (13 February 2013):
Perhaps he’s bored of you keep asking when he’s already told you it’s because he likes you. So, the question is, do you believe him or not? IF not then break up with him, the age gap is quite wide and although there’s no inevitability that such an age gap relationship will fail, if you’re insecure and needing constant reassurance, and he’s either relaxed and not expecting to assure you all the time, or he just sees it as something casual, the pair of you aren’t going to work together.
I wish you all the very best.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (13 February 2013):
I need to ask you a few questions myself
1. why are you with him?
2. how did you two meet
3. how long have you been together
4. if he told you "because your young and your breasts are perky and we have hot sex and you look good on my arm" would you be happy?
5. what do you want him to say?
6. why are you feeling insecure?
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