A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I didn't think I would have to come here to find some insight, but I am just losing my mind and need some info/opinions from strangers because usually thats advice that is non-biased and you can take on.Well make a long story short...heres the stats:L.D.R.1 year mark (our gf/bf relationship) will be in 2 days Feb 15th.Been real real/tight/best friends for 3 yearsKnown each other for about 7 yearsBoth college studentsLove each other uncontrollably First off to answer your question NO SHE IS NOT CHEATING. Just wanted to get that out the way, our trust level is way past that and I can trust her and vice versa. I been noticing we been having problems for the past month or so with her blowing up on me and getting in her emotions, but she never told me what the problem was and I knew something was up. I kept trying to pick at it, but she just didn't want to talk about it and I stopped because it would make things sour (convos/skype dates go a certain direction or we get into our feelings). Usually we can always have fights/arguments and get over with and makeup. I been noticing something was wrong with her and she did have the courage to tell me what was effecting her.Basically, her parents are having marital problems and it seems it is very hard on her and taking a toll on her since she is the oldest sibling and feels she has the duty of taking responsibility of taking care of her younger siblings. She has a workload of classes/scholarship requirements that she isn't doing so well in and trying to pull up her grades, and lately she got into some legal troubles (traffic ticket, dui (wasn't her fault,) and the stress is just amounting. She has court dates/fees she has to worry about and her license may even be revoked. She just has too much on her plate and even she notices she is not herself and is acting erratic not only towards me, but everyone. So I tried to console her and told her things would be alright as she was by my side for my problems and even though how hard they were as I am still going through some of them I have with the strength in her to overcome them and look at another day.So she tells me she needs a break and just time to herself. I tell her I understand its okay, because sometimes their are things/times that partners just don't understand and I'm not going to sit here and say I do, but I still want to be here for her. I'm thinking she will be back around a week or so...? She tells me we should just take an indefinite break because she is not herself (she just feels like she doesn't care about anything right now, snapping here and their on everyone even her mom/friends/me, and can;t see things clear) and that we shouldn't contact each other at all. No skype/txt/calls only on a need-to-need basis with e-mails for important stuff (eg. taxes, mail, etc.). Honestly, I didn't expect this and when she told me it I just lost my mind. I had withdrawals and txted her because I couldn't help it...she is my best friend, my lover, my everything. At first we agreed that we would txt each other Goodnight when we go to sleep like the exact moment we go to bed w.e. time it is so to know that were okay spiritually I guess. But to me it just made me furious because it just messed with my head/emotions. It is killing me not being able to speak to her and seeing/letting her go through this.She was suggesting the break might be for the whole semester (3 months) and I was like wtf in my head?? That is a very long time...I just don't know what to do. Yes I truly and deeply care and love her and see us getting married, but it's just killing me inside. I tried looking on here for previous answers and people suggested try finding other stuff to do and occupying your time so you don't think about it as much or / and I understand I have to give her her space because if I try to cramp her style then it might just worsen things. My worries:- 3 months is a long time without talking. What if she changes? If she decides she wants to break-up (which I would never see coming from her) or take more time off?- When I was going through things at a rough period of time, and I hinted at taking a break and she went ballistic on me and said she's not going to sit here waiting for me and I just feel like she was hypocritical for that (she assumed a break meaning break-up, but wasn't that just regular break) - Usually to me in my experience a "break" is never good in a relationship because it always leads to break-up. Hence the origin..I just feel like you can't make up for time and people go through stuff with alot of emotions and it builds up, but is released in various forms. - How do I take all this in? What should I do? I'm just losing it emotionally, and I feel like I will just dwell on negative things and lead to a "solo dolo mode" mentality since she is not here for me and act cold towards her. * Basically I noticed she isn't herself anymore, not happy with things, and just been acting out of emotions (anger, sadness) also coldness towards me as well just fights/arguments over stuff so pity. It got to me so much that I just was going to fly out their and try to save her meaning bring her back to me and solve her problems, but financially didn't work. I haven't seen her since Oct, and I miss her alot. But she told me that she would have been mad If i Did that. When I saw that I just got pissed Im like what a bitch fuck you too then! (my first response in my head)? She said no one will understand how she is feeling even me saying if I do I just wont. She says the break will benefit both of us and make us have more focus on ourselves and put us a better place in our lives. It's making me any better, how is this benefitting me?? When I had rough patches I didn't give up on you...I understand and respect her decision because their is nothing more I can do that I already tried. IT just maddens me because I don't know if I will be able to handle this. Also ...just really sucks because its 2 days around our 1st anniversary and we can't even do anything :-( sorry i know it was long...
View related questions:
a break, anniversary, best friend, my ex, period Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2013): Here is the million dollar question that has to be addressed for any "break" situation: Are you each allowed to see other people, or not? The person who wants a break frequently avoids taking a firm position on this question. Because that person usually already intends to see others and they know their partner would go ballistic upon finding that out. They call for a break so they can go cheat to see if the grass is greener. By leaving this a gray area they can be confident that their partner is unlikely to do the same. (after all, their partner never wanted a break in the first place and probably feels like it would be betrayal.) The breaker even gets a technical loophole to excuse their cheating if the truth comes out. The ambiguity works out great for the breaker and not so great for the breakee. Avoiding this situation is very simple - demand that your girlfriend give you a clear YES/NO answer about whether its okay to date other people during this break. If the answer is NO then it means NO. It means you both agree that dating any other people is cheating, plain and simple. You are spending time apart but the mutual expectation of faithfulness is still 100% there. If she will not agree to a clear NO then the answer is YES. You must assume she intends to start "seeing" (read: screwing) other guys right away. Tell her you will assume she is sleeping with others, and that you intend to go out and start looking for other girls immediately once the break starts - and you should really do exactly that.
A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (14 February 2013):
 i think breaks are a really terrible thing to do to someone because what it does is keep them in emotional limbo. you don't know whether to stick it out or move on. you don't want to move on in the off chance things with her could work. but you don't want to put your whole life on hold waiting around for someone who may never come back. she's taking all sense of control away from you. and that's a horrible place to be.my suggestion to you is to let her go emotionally. treat this "break" like a break up and take some time and work towards moving on. what this will do is give you some sort of control back in your life. YOU are making this decision. and also, if she decides to ever come back to you, you could always try to go back. but if she doesn't, then you haven't spent all this time on hold waiting around. good luck and stay strong! you'll get through this!
...............................
A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (13 February 2013):
Sage old guy is right; whether you agree or not you're taking a break. How you deal with it will determine the potential future of your relationship.
If you act afraid, needy and insecure, you'll push her away. If you go ahead with your life like the break is a good thing, then you have a chance. At the same time if the break becomes permanent you'll be well on your way to moving on with your life.
...............................
A
male
reader, Capri2  +, writes (13 February 2013):
Decisions, in couples, need the two partners to agree on. Taking a break is a major decision, so it can't be taken from her part without your consent. The problem is, the only thing you can do is to break up on this, unless she agrees to not take the break. I guess you already tried to persuade her to not to take this break. If you failed that, there is little you can do: you accept the break and wait, or you turn this break into a break-up. And you start knowing other people.
In my humble opinion, I think a break doesn't make sense. If you are in love, you don't want to get away of the person you love. Specially if that person isn't the source of your problems.
...............................
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (13 February 2013):
 I'm sure you realize that it makes no difference if you agree.... SHE is taking that 3-month sabbatical, period...
I suggest that you honor her request.... let the three months elapse.... and, then, be in-touch with her to learn how things have been for her (be prepared to tell her what you've been up to....)... and see if things may, possibly, revert to what/where they are now......
It may be that the "3 months" turns in to "a long time...." or, "forever".... if so... that's the breaks of life...
It might ALSO be that the 3 months have been particularly good for her.... that a bunch of turmoil has happened (and passed) in her life... and she's quite pleased to be able to get back together with you... a great guy, in her life... and one who she would like to ressurrect the relationship that you had had in the past....
Be patient....
Good luck.....
...............................
|
