A
female
age
36-40,
*essicarr
writes:ok my question is in regards to my brother and my mom. My brother A has always been a mamas boy and she has ALWAYS been obsessed with him and in his business. A is the dream kid, has always just let her be her over bearing self and smiled and said he loved her. He wouldnt say s^^^ if he had a mouth full of it. He has been dating B for almost 2 yrs. My mom always made it clear that B wasnt good enough for him. But if she were to hand pick a girl herself she still would complain about who he dated. A and B were dating for about 8 months when my brother went overseas with the army. B and I got really close as friends over the last 10 months whiel my brother was gone. Many times over the time he was gone my mom would blame B for cheating on A . Which I know she didnt do. If she wasnt with me she was home writing letter to A . Last week A came home and B along with my entire family went to the air port to met him. B let my parents be the first to see and hug him. Even though you could tell she was dying to get a hold of him. As soon as A saw her he pushed my parents out of the way, dropped his bags and ran to B. It was the sweetest thing I had ever seen, they were both in tears hugging each other and my mom comes out tires pulling them apart and telling my brother he had to say hello to everyone else there. As much as I love my brother I could have watched the 2 of them together for hours before I received a hug from him. when we were leaving the airport my mom wanted A to drive home with her, my dad and my grandparents and A of course wanted to be with B my dad literally had to put my mom in the car. Once we got home my mom had a huge family party and sent 3 hours pushing A from one aunt to the next neighbor and the whole time all A and B did was smile. Finally they both hide in A 's room to be alone and when she noticed them gone she went nuts trying to find them until my dad told her to stop. When they returned my mom told B that she had rules in her house that didnt involve being a slut, she said this in front of people at the party. Later that night some people were outside by a bonfire and started singing The Sweater Song which happens to be A and B's song, as soon as A heard it he started across the yard to where B was a kissed her and started slow dancing with her and my mom got mad that they were making a scene and again was going to break them u until my dad stopped her. Since that night every where A is so is my mom, the literally had to sneak away to a hotel and not tell any one where they were going so they could spend time together. A texted me and said he cant come home with her being so over bearing and rude to B but doesnt know what to say. Why is she acting this way and what can I do to help A get a back bone and stand up to her.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (26 June 2012):
 I agree with Tisha. You are a caring, affectionate sister but I think that a) you are worryng too much b) there's a fine line between being caring and being controlling and you are dangerously close to cross it ( maybe it runs in the familY ?.... Just kidding :).
You say your brother is a grown up boy, then treat him as such, and trust him to be able to find a solution to his problems. He is an adult man, and a military for that ! He will come up in his own time with HIS own way to solve or improve the situation , and it may be not the way you like, or not the best possible way, but it will be HIS way.
Why are you so invested in that ? It's his life, his gf, his relationship,- he'll work his own way around all this. I think your mother has a point, if he were THAT bothered he would speak up and would put his foot down.
You think that he does not only to avoid a big blow up with your mother ?... perhaps, but in this case it's his choice too, it means that he CHOOSES keeping the peace at home and your mom happy ,rather than defending his relationship and his sex life.
You can give your brother your opinion, if you wish, as a sister you certainly can tell him : You know, if I were you I'd do A,B, and C, then if he wants to follow it or not, it's up to him. After all, all these people are adults , so they should be able to regulate their interpersonal relationships any way they want, even if you fear it might not be the best possible way.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (26 June 2012):
 Well, maybe let them sort it out... you can't manage either of their feelings, nor can you manage their behavior. It's a waste of your time and energy to worry about something that you can't alter, fix, repair or otherwise influence.
You sound very protective of your brother but does he really need it? Isn't he an adult, old enough to serve in the military and put his life on the line? I'd let it go.
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A
female
reader, jessicarr +, writes (26 June 2012):
jessicarr is verified as being by the original poster of the questionmy father has spoken to her a few times over the year and her response has always been if my brother was unhappy with her he would tell her.
My brother doesnt want to hurt her feelings. He always trys to keep the peace but when he cant handle things he lashs out and i know that it will just cause problems between him and my mom
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (25 June 2012):
Have you spoken to your father about your mother's behavior? It seems to me that he's well aware of her actions, and perhaps your mother needs a reminder on how to treat people with courtesy?
The situation will resolve one way or the other, your mother will either wake up one day and become more balanced in her treatment of her son, or she will continue to be overbearing and domineering of him and his time. Either way, it's going to be her story to play out and there's not much you can do one way or another to influence it, beyond speaking to her about it.
If she's so fixed on image and proper conduct in front of people, you might try to explain how her behavior was embarrassing to witness, though I rather think she won't thank you for the criticism.
In the end, this is up to your brother to resolve. If he's in the military, he's not a coward. I would let him decide when and how to deal with it. I would step out of it, you really don't have a dog in this hunt, so to speak.
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A
female
reader, jessicarr +, writes (25 June 2012):
jessicarr is verified as being by the original poster of the questionregardless who is right here the issue still remains on a way to make my mother give my brother space. Yes he loved the attention when he was single bu that no longer is the case. As a grown boy he wants to spend his time with his gf doing what he wants. I am afraid that 1 of 2 thigns is going to happen : 1) my mom push B away from my brother and my brother blaming her for this causing problems for their mother - son relationship or 2) B taking her behaviour and attitude because he doesnt want to hurt our mom but in the end finally snapping and hurting her with the things he saysin the last few texts he has sent me he has been pretty open on his views of my mom right now and I am afraid the harsh words might be spoken to her face and I know doesnt mean nay of them , he is jsut madly in love with a girl who he sees being mistreated by his mother. Yes I understand that he should have spent time with everyone at the party and he did, he just wanted some alone time with the girl he hadnt seen in 10 months.
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A
female
reader, mooh  +, writes (25 June 2012):
A first step is already passed with your brother A noticing your mother's hostile behavior against B.
Maybe you can talk to your mom about B, and mention the positive traits about her, and how she and A are happy together so maybe an external point of view will "demonize" less B and maybe your mother will rethink her behavior about B.
However I definitely think that at some point, your brother B will need to stand up to your mother if she continues to act like that, to also realize that her son is a grown man and she cannot control his love life.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (25 June 2012):
OP, I can perfectly see where you are coming from, ...yet we'll have to agree to disagree . I have been young, and I have been in love, as a matter of fact I am one of those old fools that keep falling in love no matter what their age, lol.
But, I guess we have a different priority list. You seem to think that hormons are all important and must command priority and be accomodated before all the rest . I don't see it this way, and tbh I did not even when I was younger and very, very ,very hormonal.
Hormons are just ...hormons - bfs and gfs come and go, and moms stay for life. First things first. I agree with you that your mom did not have the best idea in throwing a big party the first night of his coming back, but if he accepted to attend, that's what he should have done : attend, and mingle, not go take care of his hormons.
Again, so that you don't think I am Bitch Mother from Hell, I admit that your mom is rather heavy handed and if I had been her , I would have handled it differently. As a matter of fact, my son is single since a while and I attribute to this his recent bouts of grumpyness , so I am anxiously waiting with open arms for.. any girl who'll take him.
But, it takes two to tango. That's the bond they have built along the years, that's their dynamics, that's the role and importance he has attributed her so far. Now, reversing this all of a sudden, just because there's a new entry, that ,at their age , it's not even sure that will last ...well, it's unrealistic to expect that is not going to cause trouble, and that out of the blue your bro should "stand up " to mom. And maybe unfair too. He did not stand up to her when he was single , and he was lapping up all the attention, affection and privileges of a first rate mama's boy right ?
That's why I think the situation should be dealt with great patience and diplomacy, from your family, your brother, and his gf too.
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A
female
reader, jessicarr +, writes (25 June 2012):
jessicarr is verified as being by the original poster of the question@isnt a disrespectful bone in their bodies
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A
female
reader, jessicarr +, writes (25 June 2012):
jessicarr is verified as being by the original poster of the question@cindycares, there is a disrespect bone in either one of their bodies. They missed each other and if you were every young and in love you would understand.
Their relationship may be some what new but with everything they have been through with each other and the bond they have only shows how strong their relationship is.
Personally I think if she would just give them their time to be alone together in peace. Then once he is settled and all the extra hormones are out of the picture he woudl be happy to spend a mommy son bonding time
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (25 June 2012):
Ok, I admit my opinion is totally biased . I am a mother of an only male child,lol. So, even if it is a lost cause , I'll try playing devil's advocate for this overbearing mom.
It's not that bad as you make it. It is somewhat bad, she is obviously jealous, territorial, competitive and can't stand becoming second in her son's heart. But, not THAT bad.
- of course first hug at the airpost is for mom ! I've never seen anybody doing different, I must say. We have been brainwashed by TV and movies to be absolutely awed in front of young romance- but , actually , this is a some months old relationship, that may or may not last , versus his own blood, that he has known and loved all his life. And of course after a 10 months absence she wanted to ride home with him,- and his gf could have been generous and give them that few minutes of intimate catching up , since she knows she is going to have all his free time anyway from then on.
As for the party, ... come on. What are they, teenagers that can't handle 3 hours with the grown ups and have to hide and make out in the coats 's room !? these are adults , and adults know how graciously delay gratification when it is, alas, appropriate . Otherwise all brides and grooms would skip the receiving line, or the wedding banquet , and just lock themselves right away somewhere, maybe in the broom's closet of the wedding venue , to go at it like rabbits.
I get it, 10 months with no intimacy- well, they could make it 10 days and 4 hours , and avoid to embarass his mother in front of her guests !
Also, if she is old fashioned, and has a rule of no unmarried couples having sex under her roof, hey , her house, her rules. If your brother does not like it, he can move out... or go at his gf's place to do his stuff.
Ditto for the Sweater Song episode. Personally, I find it very cute too-. But you guys know your mom, if she is the uptight type , that's private and formal and does not like to attract neighbours' attention... why do they have to piss her off in her own backyard ? Very convenient, to live or hang out , at someone ' s place, and do all that crosses your mind without a thought for that person 's social code and sensitivities.
Mind you, I have no doubt that your mom is jealous, possessive, and behaves with the gf as the Holy Inquisition. Yet, frankly, I find foolish to tiptoe around young dating couples ( not even engaged, again, they may stay together or be apart in few months ! ) as if their romance were something precious and sacred, that must take priority above anything else and should never at any costs be disturbed by exterior influence.
They are not a rare species risking extinction , whose coupling takes priority over all the rest. They are young adults living around people, mothers , fathers, friends, guests , neighbours and they have to learn to balance it all , in a way that 's more or less OK for everybody.
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A
female
reader, ImmortalPrincess +, writes (25 June 2012):
 Sounds like your mother has a very unhealthy obsession with your brother, even your father notices it.
Unfortunately there really isn't anything you can do about it. You can talk to him, and try and encourage him to stand up to your mother, but whether he choses to cut the apron strings is up to him.
Your father seems to notice this obsession, maybe he can get our mother to back off.....but if she's anything like mine, NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.
Until your brother decides to stand up to your mother, and tell her that his girlfriend is a part of his life, and she isn't going anywhere, not a lot can be done.
My ex husbands mother couldn't stand me, but she never mistreated me. She was always civil when I was in her home, because she knew that if she forced her son to chose between me or her, she would lose. Maybe your brother needs to take that same tactic with your mom.
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