A
female
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anonymous
writes:My first relationship I ever had was an abusive one, that was this year and I am 18 years old. I broke it off not too long ago, however the effects are still evident. My mum thinks that my ex bfs bad influences on me are still obvious and that ever since I started ging out with him I turned into this moody/horible person who lost all goals and dreams in life. And she thinks I am still like this despite being out of that relaitonship now.Ever since we have broken up I have lost all motivation to continue my university studies, and have been going clubbing a lot. I dont drink but I kind of enjoy the scene. Mum fears I am going into a 'bad lifestyle' because I never hung around those places before. She fears me starting to drink ,despite never having one sip my whole entire life becuase its a choice I made, not something my parents force, she also fears me having casual sex, droping out of university and basically becoming a 'loser' in her opinion.I dont want to be any of that, but I dont want to be the person I was before either, the 'study hard, senisble girl who stayed at home working hard to get a good degree'...that girl wasnt happy either. I dont know what makes me happy...I just want to feel loved and when im out clubbing I feel loved becaue I get attention from guys (never sleep with them though, i would never go that far). I used to get that 'love' from my ex bf....but now i dont have it from any male besides the ones i meet at clubbing. It hurts like hell for my mum to look down upon me. Even when I was more the girl she wanted me to be, I was still never good enough. Because no matter what, I could never study as much as my older sister who my parents see as being perfect. Just because ive always been one to stray from the norms, my parents have seen me as a bit of a 'rebel' which is kinda of stupid cuz so many poeple laugh when they hear what my parents think because im a really good girl. I dont even really know what my question is, i just need some guidance. Im so unhapy in life...My mum thinks im ruining my life by wanting to drop out of uni and going out clubbing. But even if i dont drop out of uni and i dont go clubbing, she still finds SOMETHING wrong with me. Its like i cant be perfect ever. Im never good enough. So why even bother? Why dont i just let myself go down the track of life that my mother hates me to go down...
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2007): hey, i know exactly how you feel. i really do. ive jut read the two responses posted already and i couldnt find two better ways to respond!i know you get a lot of pressure from your mum, and believe me, i know its hard. but ultimately, im sure youve heard this a thousand times, and im sure you know this, ultimately its up to you. you can choose to dissapoint your mother and yourself, or you can really take control and see whats right for you. life does need balance, so i hope you find it soon and have a fufilling youth!!
A
male
reader, somewhat_anonymous  +, writes (25 August 2007):
You and your mother need to realize that you are going to be who you are and not who she wants you to be. She cannot live life vicariously through you and she cannot expect you to be your sister either.
Parents want the best for us and in their minds it means being at the top of the class and making lots of money and so forth. In fact this is how most people define success. However, it is a trap we fall into. Say you made the top of your class, which some people think means you'll get a job paying a ton of money. Not always so, but let's say you also make a ton of money, but you had to sacrifice having a social life, friends, family, and other things. Would you be happy? That is ultimately what your mother has to realize. What's best is for you to be happy and still be able to make a good professional life for yourself. Otherwise, you could be wealthy in the end, but you'll probably be a stressed out and overweight hermit with no friends and a bunch of health problems due to stress.
I think you now have a taste of the other side of life and yes, part of you is rebelling (the more she will try to hold on and mold you back into what you were, the more she will push you away) and making up for the lost time in a sense. You need balance. Do well in school and still go out and have a life. You may need to see a social worker or therapist to not only ease the relationship with your mom, but to heal a little bit from the abusive relationship from your boyfriend and help sort things out and get the balance.
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A
female
reader, Lizz +, writes (25 August 2007):
 The question you need to ask yourself is does your mother's opinion of you define who you are? The answer is no, so try to avoid being spiteful. Her words may hurt, but what they show is that she loves you and is worried about you. She's attempting to get through to you the only way she knows how. That's understandable. What you're going through is understandable, too. You want to feel good after feeling bad for so long. It happens to many men and women all over the world after bad relationships end, regardless of age. Eventually you should begin to chill out after you get bored of being oggled by strangers. Have fun, honey, but be safe. I couldn't begin to warn you of the hazards involved with the party lifestyle or being flirty and cute with strange men. Men call it being a "tease" and some guys don't react well in those situations. Carry mace in your purse and learn how to defend yourself. It's always best to go clubbing with a group of friends rather than alone. I do not want to encourage underage drinking so I must advise you to put the bottle down before you get into more trouble than what it's worth. You are a smart girl, but still young and naive. Realize and embrace this. You will be impulsive, you will make wrong decisions and that's okay. Learn from them. Use your noggin. When you're 18 it's automatic that you'll want to do the opposite of what's expected. We all have a rebel in us, but I'd advise you to stay far from drugs and alcohol as they can lead to dependence long into middle-age, but you know this. I've never met an addict that didn't wish they'd never done that first line or taken that first drink. The bottle is a cruel lover.And, nobody is perfect. I'm sure your mother doesn't expect perfection from you. It may seem that way sometimes. Every parent imagines what their child will be when they grow up and perhaps you aren't exactly fitting that mold. That's okay, too. Many, many parents realize they cannot control who or what their child becomes, especially after turning 18. Empathize, if you will, with mum. She's panicking, freaking out that if she doesn't act now she's going to lose you to addiction or a violent crime.You do need to have a heart to heart with her. Tell her some of what you've been experiencing and try to put her mind at ease. You've suppressed so many emotions over the years that I really think you should seek a counselor and maybe mom could accompany you if she's wants to help you sort it all out. Having a good relationship with the parentals never hurt a thing. It's actually proven that people live longer healthier lives when they're in good with the 'rents. About college, if you don't feel it anymore then stop spending money and time on stuff that doesn't interest you. If you think it may just be a faze maybe take time off and just start over again next year so you can find yourself. You need "me time."You deserve your own space now that you are an adult. Seek employment and possibly a small apartment to begin with. That will remove tension at home and allow you to relax better.Life is always going to be complicated and just when things are looking up and you feel great life will throw you another curve ball. The point of it all is how you react to these situations. Look inside yourself and find out what you need to be happy. Life really is what you make of it. Lastly, be careful out there. This world is full of perverts, rapists and murderers. I've met a couple in my day and something like that will injure you much more than a few harsh words from mom. I'm certain she wants only to protect you from just that very thing. The men that want you at the club want only one thing and you know what it is. Mom, on the other hand, wants you to succeed and be happy. She's just doing a poor job of communicating that. I hope you can see there is light at the end of every tunnel. You need to find more productive ways of feeling "alive." I always suggest volunteer work. No matter where you live you can always find ways to help others less fortunate than yourself. A pint of vodka and a handsome face won't hold a candle to the buzz you'll get from helping others. And in the end, you may just find it helped you more than you expected.Good luck!
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