A
female
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anonymous
writes:I haven't been talking with my parents for several months. This is because I have had a bad childhood because of them and am just now realizing all the hell I went through. I guess I've kept it supressed for a long time - I've just moved out and bought my own house (that's why I lived with them for such a long time - saving money). All of these feelings sort of popped up when I realized how happy I actually was not living with them (I'm 25).For example - my mother criticizes me for everything - what I wear, what job I want to have, what animal I bought as a pet, the music I listen to, and she thinks I have "a problem" if I don't laugh at the jokes she tells and then gives me the silent treatment. (My father doesn't really do this - he just stands to the side and agrees with her, which is very annoying.) She even got angry at *me* when I told her that I was raped. She told me I better not tell anyone, especially my father "because he'll get upset." That was when I was 19.But things like that had been going on my whole life... I remember once (in 4th grade) I came home with a B on a test and my father got so angry at me he chased me around the house and told me he was going to break my arm (they had actually hurt me before - throwing kitchen chairs and bar stools at me, pushing me down the stairs, etc so he wasn't just "saying" that) - I ran out of the house and to my cousin's home - my aunt wouldn't let my parents see me because they had such a fit of rage.I've tried to explain things - why I'm not talking to them - in a calm manner to them through email - this way I could get all of my feelings out without getting too emotional in person. My parents are also very argumentative with me and always interrupt me, so I figured this would be the best way to communicate with them. But instead of reading the email, they wrote back "I don't have time to read this." I tried about 5 times to email them with why I don't want to speak, but they don't listen. Instead of reading my emails, they have apparently (according to family members) formed their own reasons why I'm not talking to them.My mother has started telling everyone in our family all sorts of lies about me (nasty things that I didn't say to her, incorrect assumptions, etc.). She always does whatever she can to get people on her side - like they're supposed to pick a side or something lame like that. The way I see it, it's not anyone else's business. And anyway, that puts them in an awkward position, so unless they ask what's going on, nobody else should be a part of our problems. I've told her this and she says that she can tell whoever she wants whatever she wants and it's her right. Which it is - she can tell anyone anything she wants - but I'm telling her maybe she should stop because it's making people feel weird (a couple of my family members came to me and said that they didn't like her doing this, but she yelled at them when they told her that there are two sides to every story). It's like my mother is only concerned with her own feelings and gets angry when you try to talk to her about it.Anyway, now my parents are emailing me and saying things like "we're sorry about the things we may have done that might have upset you, if you're sorry, too." Which basically means they're apologizing for nothing - I feel like the should take responsibility because they DID do things - not that they MAY have done things. And those things DID upset me, not that I MIGHT have been upset. And what do I have to apologize for?! Sorry I was drugged and raped and left in the basement of a dorm. Sorry I had a miscarriage and you had to relive your experience again. Sorry I wanted to go on my honeymoon without you!! Holy crap!!!! (Yes, my mother tried to invite herself on our honeymoon!!!!!)My father also emailed me a funny video and said he thought of me when he watched it. Like he's trying to patch things up with me. I feel weird - I told them to leave me alone until I'm ready to talk and they're not doing that. Every once in a while they'll send me stuff like that. I don't want to hear from them! I tell them and they don't listen. What can I do? I just need to be by myself - or rather, live without my parents. I don't love them. They're awful, nasty people and I only ever loved them because they made me feel guilty when I tried to tell them I was unhappy in the relationship.How can I get away from them??? I'm so happy when they're not in the picture, but they still contact me when I tell them not to!(Sorry this is so long, I just have a lot on my mind.)
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female
reader, dragonette  +, writes (8 February 2007):
 To answer your question about deleting mail in outlook; you can make your parents' mail go straight to the junk mail if you want.
1. Mark one of the mails from your parents (click on it once, don't double click)
2. Go to Actions menu (at the top of the screen). Choose "Junk mail", then "Add sender to blocked senders list".
See below image for further explanation:
http://www.image-upload.net/files/963/blockmail.JPG
In order to automatically DELETE mails, you need to use the "Rules and alerts"-option under the "Tools" menu at the top of the screen.
There you can define a rule saying that mail that is sent to your account from your parents email address will automatically be deleted.
If you need more help on this, just pm me.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2007): Wow, usually I am all about forgiveness especially in the family. If I were you I would just change my phone number and email address. Do not contact them to explain anything. God help you to be able to forgive them someday. Forgiving does not mean to have them in your life, does not mean what they did is OK, does not mean you need to forget. It just means knowing we all make mistakes and letting go of the anger and hurt. Acceptance if you will. They did what they did and are who they are. Their problems do not define who you are and its not your fault.
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female
reader, DrPsych  +, writes (7 February 2007):
 You know that old saying...you can pick your friends not your family. I agree with the others that you have had a bad time in the past. The key to surviving all this is not to carry it around into your future - you need specialist counselling to manage that. It sounds like you are now carving out a better life for yourself and as an adult you can make choices about who you see in a way that you could not as a child. I would write them a letter - short and to the point - stating that you do not wish contact with them at the moment. I had a difficult childhood myself and have had periods of 'not speaking' as an adult with my own parents. It is nothing to feel bad about.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2007): you could change the settings so that anything from their email is put as junk, and goes to the junk mail folder? xxx
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female
reader, AskEve +, writes (7 February 2007):
 You've been through a time of it haven't you? Do you have any brothers or sisters or are you an only child? Your mom and dad seem very self centred people. From what I read into your letter your mom has always been the one that calls the shots, what she says goes and your dad just goes along with her for a quiet life. There's more to it though...
Has your mom ever been able to sit down with you and tell you about her life, when she was younger? I bet if you sat and talked to her about it you'd find she didn't have a very good upbringing either and this is where all this hatred and self centeredness is stemming from. Your mom has issues from years ago that she hasn't been able to put closure on and the only way to do that is to speak to someone about it.
It may be that she's jealous of you, you're bright, intelligent and kind and she wants to be more like that. She's angry at you all the time as well as jealous and wants to bring you down. She's going to other relatives telling them about you in order to get attention! She really has deep psychological problems love and she's taking them all out on you.
I do agree it was for the best that you moved out and found somewhere of your own. Now you have the space to grow and be your own person. If you feel the contact from your parents is getting you down then I agree, you should change your cell number. You can also block incoming emails of your choice in Outlook Express so they don't come through to you so you could see about doing that.
There are always reasons for people behaving the way you do and I think your mom is more to be pitied than anything else. Unless she agrees to get the help then she'll never change. You said she went to see a Counsellor with you and what did she do? Yes... she talked about herself all the time. She needs to GO by herself and work on putting these ghosts from her past to rest.
Eve
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questiondragonette - that's eerily familiar. thanks for the link.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to all of you who have responded. I have actually tried to get them to go to counseling. My mother went with me once and she only talked about her personal problems, not family problems. Then she refused to attend any more sessions. My dad flat out refused to go.
That's a good idea about changing my phone number. I actually hadn't thought of that. My contract is almost up anyway (I only have a cell), so I'll wait until then. I've just been ignoring them up until now (which has been annoying).
As for changing my email address, I can't do that because they've decided to email me on my work account. I don't want to have to explain to HR about my situation. And if I say something like it's because of "harassment" then they'll want to see the emails. I guess I'll just keep deleting them... Just had a thought - is there a way to delete incoming messages from someone on Outlook (my company forces us to use this program)??
Thanks again for responding - all of you - and I'm going to change my number as suggested.
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A
female
reader, dragonette +, writes (7 February 2007):
There was a similar post to yours here:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/is-the-terrible-relationship-w--my-parents.html
and if you want to, you can read it and see if any of the advice there might be good for you as well.
From what I see in your post, your parents don't want to admit how horribly they've treated you or recognize that they've made significant damages to you.
I think you should stop reading their emails, or just switch email address and phone number so that they can't contact you any more. And when YOU feel ready to talk to them, you will get in touch with them.
And if you can, please see a therapist. Our childhood is so important for us, and you must carry so much hurt and anger from yours, you should talk to someone about it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2007): Keep them out of your life until you are good and ready to let them back in - if ever. I can relate to that, i had a strange time with my mam. Years later we do get on better, but a lot of emotional harm has been done by her that cannot be forgot or forgiven. Please just change your phone number, email etc and don't let them have it until you feel you are ready to have them in your space.
Take care
xx
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male
reader, Ponungalungb +, writes (7 February 2007):
 You might consider family counseling. Otherwise, change your email address, change your phone number, and live your life without them. You might consider counseling for yourself to get over your past.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2007): I'm really sorry about your situation. It sounds difficult. My mum had a bad relationship with her parents; she is now 50 and still gets incredibly emotional about it. The email was a very good idea, i would have suggested that if you hadn't of done it. You never know though, they may have read it? Is it possible that they can see what theyve done but dont feel like they can talk about it? I don't know. I dont really know what to say, but let them know you can't carry on unless they actually listen to them... if not you dont see how you can live with them in your life. They love you, and if you let them know, it may take a while but they will probably listen. Of course i'm not in your situation so i don't know how they'd react. Have you thought about family counselling? It could help if they would go. Please though, try not to give up on them, parents are important, but probably not if they are making you feel this unhappy. See if you can come to some kind of balance with them. Not sure if i've helped but i think your a really strong person, and im sorry for everything you've been through. I got the picture your married? hold on to that and remember that they do love you. Good luck. xxxxxxxxxxxx
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