A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hey, this isn't really much of a relationship question but I don't know where to ask this.I really dislike confrontation and it makes me nervous because I start getting so angry I start crying and it's unstoppable.I live in an apartment. I've been bullied by my Mexican neighbors by the past years they've been here. I've caught them red-handed taking out my clothes out the dryer before they're done, and I've seen them take their dog to poop in my garden instead of in the other grassy areas of our apartment. They've also taken my parking spot and once, my dog ran in their house and took one or two steps (by accident, he was too excited) and had my mother who's around 53, kneel and hand wash their front door.We told the landlord and he agrees that he dislikes them as well, but he can't really do anything about it. There's eight people living in that two bedroom apartment and they don't even pay rent on time, but they do pay it. My family and I don't really stand up because we're very traditional Buddhist Asians, you know, peace/calm, all that stuff, and we really don't want harm to come to us. I don't want my car to be keyed, my dog to go missing, my plants to get ruined, etc.Anyways, tonight was just insanely mean of them. Everything else I could tolerate but this was just the end of it. We have this pot infront of our door, under the stairs (so it's not really out in the open or in a walking path) that we use every Chinese New Years for religious and cultural purposes, like burning fake money to send to dead relatives. It's a very old tradition.Well, their kid who they weren't even really supervising, wandered over infront of our side of the apartment (we're opposite of each other) and hit her leg on the pot because she kept trying to peek inside of it. But like I said, you would really have to get under the stairs to get there, so it wasn't out in the open where she could easily hit her leg if she wandered there.I was in my room during this happened, but they called my mom out and started nagging at her relentlessly telling how we were rude and disrespectful and hurt their kid, and we need to MOVE that pot. I don't see why we have to do anything! But I have literally no room to put the pot and it's not safe to keep inside the house (again, religious reasons) and if it goes missing because of them, we'll be really hurt.I honestly don't want to confront them, but what do I do? ): We've complained and everything. Do I just suck it up and ignore them as I have been doing, or the next time it happens do I stand up and nag them back? I'm really worried they'll terrorize us if I stand up.
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male
reader, honestman  +, writes (18 February 2012):
Listen, I am Mexican, and I've had this kind of neighbors before. It really sucks.I know you are Buddhist, and you dislike confrontation, but really, if you don't create boundaries this might go out of hand. You should tell them to stop, and confront them.If the man of the house does not respond well to your requests, talk to the woman of the house. Sometimes the woman of the house is more open to critics, and can persuade his husband to do the right things. Don't worry if your dog goes missing, or if your car goes keyed. You'll have more evidence with the justice department to file a restraining order if necessary.Also, keep the pot where it is. If it is not bothering anybody, and is important for your religion, just leave it there
A
male
reader, TrancedRhythmEar  +, writes (2 February 2012):
 Well let the police know about their antics and why u feel things r hostile. If things escalate youll have a report. You could move as well. Youre doing great with calmness. Maintain it.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (2 February 2012):
 I would move, personally. People like that don't have any respect for others and they are clearly teaching their kids to be just as rude.
Though I seriously doubt it has anything to do with them being Mexicans.
And no way in HADES would my mom be cleaning anyones doorstep.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2012): I think you should either invite them over for tea or set a time to talk with them about this. Their children should not be coming on your property and getting near your things. A pot is not a dangerous item, if they injured themselves that way that is totally their fault imo.
Discuss all the other issues such as the dog poop- in most states you have to pick up the poop, and so on and see what they say.
If it gets nasty, then you need to start doing things like calling child services to say they let their children roam around freely and unattended on other people's property. This should put an end to most of your troubles hopefully. I would also take their dog's poop and put it near where they can see it. Sometimes you need to be a little more than assertive for certain people to get the message that it's not ok to walk all over you. I don't think being buddhist means you have to be a doormat when someone is being overly aggressive like this.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2012): Mine may not be the most politically correct answer and I really don't like to stereotype people - BUT - my experience with Mexican men (and I live in Southern California, so I have met, lived near and worked with plenty) is that they tend to try and come across as really "macho," and expect their women to act submissive. You may have better luck expressing your concerns to the women of the household, if you haven't already.
But seriously - if you talk to these people nicely and they don't change, it's time to stand up for yourself and your family. No one can take advantage of you unless YOU allow them to do it. Start documenting your conversations with them. Have someone with you if you can. Don't take their crap, don't back down, and if anything happens to your pets or possessions, file reports with the local police. I wish you luck - keep us posted!
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A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (2 February 2012):
 I have a feeling just the cultural/racial tensions and your being taught to avoid conflict have just made it difficult to see that these are typical neighbor squabbles. They have not done anything particularly physically threatening or dangerous to you, so I really don't think they're going to come attack you like you fear.
Some of this you should try to let go of.conflict with neighbors happens. People take spots when it's convenient or they make mistakes. They might find it fair if your dog soiled their door with dirty paws that they not clean up after your dog and while it may seem just disrespectful that your mother clean, why shouldn't your family face a consequence for having a loose dog out? But obviously they then should maybe take responsibility or be more considerate about your lawn, which you all certainly could mention.
I guess I'm trying to say that it's give and take, and I think you feel like they're taking too much, in which case sometimes NOT mentioning what is bugging you actually magnifies the issue because they likely don't realize this most recent situation involving the pot was offensive. I'm sure the girl and the rest of the family just thought it was a pot that could be moved indoors. They probably had no idea it has serious spiritual signficance and implications if you change its position.
Another though: in my experience, a lot of Mexican families are very religious are very humble and are very accomodating of others in their surroundings. Maybe sometime you could eat together and maybe that would bridge some of the discomfort both families may have, and you two will learn you have more in common (or least, less at odds) than you think. It may lead to them being more accomodating or think twice about their next actions towards you all.
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A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (2 February 2012):
Well they terrorize you either way, so I still think you should stand up for yourself. They know they can push you around so they keep doing it and get away with it. Have you ever just tried talking to them? Or does it end up turning into an argument?
However, I understand you being passive. So just go the passive agressive way. Call Child Protective Services, they have a kid trying to pee outside and there's too many people living in that unit. In some states, it's illegal to have a certain amount of people per room. When their dog craps in your flower bed, pick it up and put it on their doorstep. When they park in your parking spot, call to have the car towed.
I'm a pretty confrontational person, but when you're dealing with difficult people that won't make a change even when you confront them with the errors of their ways, it's time to get them into trouble for what they're not supposed to be doing. Honestly, if they made my mother clean their doorstep, I would be knocking on their door and ready to beat someone's ass.
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