A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Well, I like this guy (Let's call him Adam) that I've been friends with since Freshman year of high school. During Freshman year I was really shy. I didn't want him to know that I liked him, so I concealed my emotions by denying to like him and even going to the point where some people thought I hated him at times. For some reason, he would often sound upset when he would mention "I don't think I'm (My name)'s type." It would be brought up randomly, but he sounded upset about it. We continued on as friends, walking home together practically every day. Later on in the year, Adam started flirting with girls constantly as if he really wanted a girlfriend. I could never bring myself to telling him my true feelings. I cried sometimes in school, never telling anyone, including my best friend (We'll call her Amy), the reason. At the end of Freshman year he seemed to act shy and flirtatious, in my eyes...but of course, I was probably wrong...Sophomore year I decided to tell Amy my feelings for Adam. She was surprised with this, as she thought I hated him. Adam had started hanging out with Freshman this year. Eventually he found a girl (Her name will be Tina) that he started trying to "woo". He started going home with her, along with me. The first day that we went together, I cried. I couldn't control my emotions. I'm a very emotional girl, despite how strong I try to seem. Adam took the bus with me, despite Tina and our other friends taking another bus, to calm me down. He asked me what was wrong and I decided to tell him to ask Amy. The next day, I found out that she did tell him and that he was clearly undecided of what to say to me. He told me that he didn't feel the same for me and didn't expect for me to like him. This, utterly tore me apart. I began doing the worst thing a girl could do, cry in front of him and our friends. After all of my heartbreak we stopped hanging out. It became a loose friendship. After about a month, Adam and Tina grew apart due to her not giving him enough attention and their relationship became almost done. However, they were still going out. A girl who entered this school sophomore year had become a friend of mine. (We'll say she's Lindsay.) I now find out that Adam had a crush on Lindsay and kissed her, whilst dating his girlfriend, Tina. Lindsay finds out that I liked him and feels bad about it. She herself has a boyfriend of long time whom she is deeply in love with. She doesn't like Adam. This conflict causes the demise of Tina and Adam's relationship.I again, lose control of my tear ducts. I confront Adam about the situation and it doesn't get much farther then him not understanding why I care. In away, he's right: I shouldn't have gotten involved with it and should have kept my emotions from his sight. (That however is next to impossible. I've tried this so many times and yet to be said n this explanation) Adam and Lindsay remain friends and start walking home together. I eventually start hanging out with them. This is a bad idea, as I start to realize that Lindsay is indeed flirting with him in front of me. I learned that she grew feelings for him. Once again this upsets me. We confront a guidance counselor about the issue but it leads to more issues. Soon after we decide to avoid contact until things feel better between us. We started to just say hi and bye but avoid walking home or hanging out together. Eventually, I feel better. Of course my feelings for him never faded but I felt more confident.Adam eventually offers for me to join him and our old group to Burger King. I accept this offer and we have fun. He acted sort of strange/awkward (I guess he was uneasy with knowing that I like him) at times. I assumed that our friendship has begun to come back. The next day we have last period together. Instead of waiting for me like he normally would, he runs off without me. I meet him outside and ask why he didn't wait for me. He claims that it's because he had work for another class. If that's true, why wouldn't he tell me before running off and leaving me? Then, while we're standing in front of the school I see Lindsay walking in the opposite direction of where we're going. Adam runs after her and I assume that it's because he's going to ditch me and walk home with her. I get upset and stand there for a while.Amy walks from the school and sees me on the verge of tears. She asks me what's wrong, and I tell her. We look in that direction and can't see anyone because of a huge crowd of people. We start leaving the other way assuming he ditched me. Whilst walking with her, in tears, Adam's friend and a guy who I thought was my friend walks by. (I'll call him Daniel)[Daniel's gay and was my friend in Freshman year. Adam used to be homophobic. Me and Amy defended him when Adam got into arguments about his belief in only heterosexuality. During sophomore year when I try to hug Daniel in the morning, as I do everyone, he seems to be more "...oh hey.." with me, while with his other friends he's "OH MY GOD HEYYY!!!!" I don't know the reason for his, to this day. Because I thought he didn't like me, I started to stop saying hello to him.]I see that Daniel knows I was crying and keeps walking in a straight line. I tell Daniel "Please don't tell Adam or any of them. I don't want problems to start again." Immediately he retaliates with "WHO SAID I WAS GOING TO TELL THEM. I NEVER SAID THAT." This makes me mad, and we both go back and forth for not even a minute. I should have stayed calm and shouldn't have retaliated, but I did... He goes back to the school and I continue on to the bus stop. (Amy has to go a different way) As I'm standing at the bus, still with tears, I see Adam and his group walking down. Lindsay isn't there. They asks what's wrong and I don't tell them. I do tell one of the girls, (Esmeralda). We go to McDonald's. Later, Adam mentions how forgiving Daniel is (because he forgave him for being homophobic Freshman year) and I say he isn't forgiving to me. He asks why and I say I don't know. The next day when I try to go home with them again, I see the group standing inside the school, in front of the exit. (Where we usually meet up) Lindsay was standing there as well. I told my friend, (Kenneth), from my old school who wanted to walk home with me [He knows I like Adam] that I was going to walk home with Adam. (He knew that me and Adam were having off and on problems and he doesn't like Adam) He said okay and walked outside. I tell one of the guys from the group (Alphonse) that I have to go to the bathroom and to wait for me; to not let them leave without me. When I returned I saw that Lindsay was gone, I took no ill thought of this, as she often walked by herself after all of this. Upon my return, Alphonse says that they're going to leave and that I can wait for Adam if I want. He also said that I could come with them. I noticed that Daniel was with them and to avoid problems starting up with him, I declined. I said I would go with Kenneth. Kenneth saw me and told me that Adam left. I immediately questioned how he knew this. He said that he saw Adam leaving with Lindsay and he told him "(My name) is waiting for you." When he told him this, he laughed and continued on. I immediately broke down. Kenneth wouldn't lie about that. He's been a good friend for longer than I've known Adam and he REALLY doesn't like Adam. He never did. In the end, I go home with Kenneth. The next day, Contact is avoided between us. I confront Lindsay about yesterday and she claims that she walked by herself. She also said that Kenneth was probably lying to protect Adam. However, I know Kenneth. He would NEVER lie for Adam. He hates Adam. Yet, she started trying to pretend she was innocent by saying that she tried to distance herself from everyone. I was also informed by a girl who went to her old school that she is two-faced. Amy becomes my messenger girl for Adam. She ends up passing messages between me and him, trying to find out what happened. Long story short: Adam tells her lies about his real intentions and he tells everyone (behind my back) that I was stalking him. Eventually, I'm fed up with all of his lies after confirming that he did tell everyone I was stalking him so I told Amy to tell him that I don't want to talk to him and that I'm not stalking him, so cut it out with the rumors. This was about two or three weeks ago and I have still not spoken to him or Daniel. We avoid each other as much as possible. Only once, last Thursday during a fire drill did he walk up to me to show me that he was wearing a friend (this girl)'s pink sweater as a joke. We both laughed at my reaction and that was the last time we even made any contact. Now we still avoid each other. When we would walk I would constantly ask where Adam was, and I think that's part of the reason why he claims I was "stalking him." However, I did the same with Kenneth. When I would walk with Kenneth I asked anyone and everyone he was because I didn't want him to leave without me and for me to be stranded alone. I would do the same with any of my friends. All I wanted was to be Adam's friend. I tried. I didn't intend for him to assume I was stalking him... but he never had to lie to me like he has so many times before. In a way I feel like I'm partly at fault for how I treated him in Freshman year, trying to deny my feelings. I also felt that when I got mad, I could've deeply hurt him... but he also hurt me deeply with no shown concern. I don't know what to do or what to believe. I love him so much and I don't want him to be hurt or for us to be apart without anything actually known and clarified face to face. I also don't want to instigate the problem like it has so many times before... I don't even think anyone would believe anything I said. I wish I knew what to do....I still want to remain friends with both Adam and Daniel. Of corse I want to go out with Adam but I doubt that will ever happen.... However, I don't know if I should remain friends with any of them... I also want to remain friends with my original friends. What do you think I should do? Should I try? Should I not try?....I wish I could just go back to freshman year where everything was so much easier. If I could change all of this, God I would. I might have even expressed my feelings for Adam earlier in Freshman year... I shouldn't have denied him. [I cut most of our friends' names out of it and shortened most of the confrontations to keep it short, however it's still utterly long. No real names were usedSincerely,A Confused, lost, foolish girl in love
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best friend, crush, flirt, has a boyfriend, move on, period, shy, stalking Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your help. ^.^
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2012): To be honest it sounds like adam never wanted to walk with u and u just assumed that ud be walking together alone. The more u go near him the worse off you'll be!
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (2 February 2012):
 Dear confused, lost, foolish girl in love,
You certainly aren't afraid to write a long letter. Most of the aunts here won't take the time to read all that so that is why it is taking so long to get an answer. So often by the time you have written out the whole problem, you have pointed out the answers. I suspect that you are seeing this more clearly already.
First I wouldn't call you affection for Adam a crush. By your own admission it is more of a long term unrequited love, or at least serious infatuation. The root of your troubles is tied up in your feelings for Adam. You believe that had you declared your feelings earlier things would have been better for you. That is possible but not likely. You and Adam are further apart in world view than you believe. Your attachment to him is much stronger than his to you. You have opposing views on sexual orientation. You are uncomfortable expressing your emotions around him. You are prone to expressions of emotions. He is uncomfortable with seeing your emotions. You are stable. He is flighty. Yet you are strongly attracted to him to the exclusion of seeing the other good offers around you.
I honestly believe that you two will never make a good couple. This is very hard for you to accept.
Friends, and good friends are important in your life right now. The trouble is not that you don't have good friends, the trouble is that you are not being a good friend. You actually are stalking Adam. You are using your friends to keep track of him. You are using them as messenger girls. this is not good and, it is frustrating them.
You worry too much about crying in front of boys. A stable guy can handle that regardless of what you see in the movies.
So my advice. Accept that you won't have Adam. Mourn for your loss and get over him. Respect your friends and don't ask them to do things you don't want to do. Stand on your own two feet, be assertive. That includes owning and being responsible for your own emotions. When you do those things your friends will be more likely to come around.
BTW your old friend from Jr. High loves you but is unsure if he can handle what you are doing, but he is trying.
FA
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