A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello,I am in a unique and hopeless situation and writing here with the hope that some of my friends will help/advise me to overcome this problem. I am married and emotional person and in intense relationship with co-worker for 4 years. We love each other but for obvious reasons couldn't get married which was clear from day one. 6 months back she got married as per her parents choice to a guy which is not of her type and who doubts our relationship as well and we too had several arguments and she broke my trust 3 times too but I continued giving her chances. Now she has decided to give everything to this guy who is her husband (so far she has not bedded him) and make her life normal. But at the same time wants to continue relationship with me and she owes that she won't change herself for me again as I am her first love and she can't stay without me. I am unable to accept her decision and trust her again. We continue to meet and work in same team in office and it's hurting like hell and my personal life, work and health is in huge turmoil. I am unable to get over this. Can someone help me please on below 2 problems.1. How do I accept her decision? If yes, How?2. Should I trust her again? If yes, How?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2012): Hi.
Hm. A lot of judgmental comments, huh?
People are like that sometimes. :-)
Being in a relationship with someone whom you love and can't marry is very complicated.
Do you love her?
Why can you not marry?
I see you are from India -- does this have to do with the traditions in the portion of India in which you live?
How much do you care for each other, and what would you each be willing to do for each other?
What is the value of the relationship for both of you? --How important is it, and how much value (in joy, as interaction...) does it bring?
Honestly, it seems that you care quite a lot for her. Your words "hopeless" and "We love each other".
...Hm. What has she done to break your trust? You were not specific in the description.
If you end up in the rock and hard place of trying to accept her decision, you need to understand trust, and what you care about, your goals, the value in the relationship.
Then, you will be able to better understand how to trust her.
Would there be terrible consequences if you simply asked her to be with you and decided to be with her? Can you do that?
-Asexual [I do not provide a gender as identity--I provide defaults as standard--because I am a human being, as we all are, first.]
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (8 June 2012):
 It’s not just up to her you know.
You can easily tell her that you don’t want anything any more and just keep the relationship strictly professional which is what I think you should do.
IT’s not just her choice. You have a say in it too. And what you say is… I’m married and you’re married. Therefore we can no longer have anything but a professional relationship.
then you stick to that.
you do it long enough (weeks or months)and she will get it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2012): When it comes to TRUST perhaps you need to ask your wife this queston? I wonder what her response will be?
As for the affair co worker: hey its time her hubby got some lovin : im sure he's look forward to some of that warm p***y. Which husband wouldnt ?
Its time to be a man and acceot that your disasterous affair is just that: disasterous.
The END!
LoveGirl
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2012): Thanks Cindy for reply.
I am fine to let her go & continue only professional relationship though its almost next to impossible to leave intense habit of 4 years. But it's her perseverance that she doesn't want to leave me because it's as difficult for her too like me.
The only possible solution to this I see is that I accept her but it's just not easy for me, so what should I do?
If you can put some highlight on this, it will help friend. Thanks again..
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (8 June 2012):
 Excuse me, but.. what are you talking about ?
Trust ? Why do you want her to be " trustworthy ", you are in no position to require that.
You are married, and ,I suppose, you are intimate with your wife.
She is married, and she is going to be intimate with her husband.
You can't ask for sexual monogamy when you don't offer it.
You might say that yours is a sexless marriage ( and I would not believe you :)- but that does not really change much.
You are STILL married, whichever way you chose to live in your marriage, it still remains that you are not free, not single, therefore you can't expect to put limitations on how your lover lives HER marriage.
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A
female
reader, Kittykatt988  +, writes (8 June 2012):
She cannot have you both it is unfair, you may love this person but if she wants to also be with the other person she clearly does not feel the same. She wants a normal life? That's not normal. From this I feel like you are her safety blanket. You owe it to yourself to be happy with someone. Move on and meet someone who doesn't want two men at the same time. Goodluck
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