A
female
age
,
*brn
writes:HiI have been seeing a married man for 18 years. I love him and he said he loves me. Then one day he said he does not want the affair anymore. I am in shock and broken hearted. I can't seem to let go. Please help me.
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male
reader, Wild Thaing +, writes (22 July 2007):
 Your profile says you are 51-59, so I ask: What did you expect? Your man had the best of both worlds, and it's possible that someone in his family found out about you recently. Having been ratted out as a cheater, the person who found out gave him the opportunity to choose - his family or you. All things considered, he valued his family relationships more and as a consequence cut off all contact with you.
I don't apologize for my moral stance on this situation. You and your man built a relationship based on deceit. If even one of you cannot be open about your relationship, it is bound to cause pain and suffering. I am willing to bet that the revelation about this affair is raging through his family like a wildfire.
It's too bad you chose to live this lie for 18 years with this man. Maybe you will have something good to show for the relationship - I hope for your healing process that you do have good times to remember. Good luck and take care.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2007): Gosh, sometimes I am stunned at how judgemental and narrow minded these agony aunts can be! Poor you! Love is not all that simple. If it is real you can't just switch it off, when it is inconvenient. And talk about moral laws. Excatly who made these moral laws? Do these morals exist in all parts of the world, through all cultures and always have been through the centuries? I don't think so! I have no doubt whatsoever that this man loves/or loved you, or he would not have kept a relationship going for 18 years. Sex alone can't be good enough to keep it going for such a long time. Sounds like he loves his wife and you both very much. You also didn't specifically say if you wanted him to leave his wife for you? Did the arrangement suit you? Have an honest conversation with him and find out what it going on now?
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A
female
reader, TaylorChu  +, writes (21 July 2007):
 You will have to let go because he wasn't yours in the first place. Of course it hurts very badly but look at all the time wasted of your life being with a married man. You have nothing to show for it.
Find a good loving man who loves you for who you are and doesn't have his time split between a family and a mistress. You have been let go and thats the only reason or comment he has to communicate to you. You cant ask why because you know why. He made no promise or vows to you. Don't seek out to talk with him or anything because chances are that you will have to deal with both him and his wife telling you to leave them in peace and a married couple in agreement is unstoppable.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2007): I would want too know why. You deserve that much. Married or not. He loved you or it wouldn't have lasted much longer than a few weeks -- which is the average affair length I think. Curious though. Why did you stay so long when he never left his wife?
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A
female
reader, bemused +, writes (21 July 2007):
 Hi there.
This another sad ending to a story which is all too common these days. I am not going to make a moral judgement here...many decent people have slid into the trap that you did and sadly most of them had the same outcome of what you are experiencing now. The difference is that you obviously had a lot more tolerance for this one sided situation and opted to stay for nearly twenty years. No doubt in that time you have forgotten what it is like to have a man you do not have to share...one who can spend the whole night with you and be seen publicly with you... and that my dear is what you deserve. The pain here will probably be immense because of the duration of this affair. Despite all I think you are entitled to have a little more information from him to give you closure and then....take a deep breath and back off and move on. Yes what you did (and what he did) was at the expense of the feelings of others but you now need to reclaim your self esteem and look for someone who is available. Good luck
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A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit +, writes (21 July 2007):
 I agree with Eddie.
-FBK
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A
male
reader, eddie +, writes (21 July 2007):
 You don't want to hear what I have to say. The only person who should be in shock here is his wife and kids. Don't expect sympathy from me. You've been breaking a moral law of the jungle for 18 years. When it finally ends, it's supposed to be a lesson learned, not a pity party.
He was never yours. It doesn't matter what you told yourself. He was never yours to take. You knew that. Just because it went on for so long doesn't make it right. Move on and find a person who has integrity. Find your own integrity too. Don't start something you can't finish. Even though you feel heart broken, and it's understandable, you MUST realize what you did was wrong. When you admit that, you can move on.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2007): It looks like he was with you for one thing: sex. He's had the best of both worlds for 18 years, a wife who (probably) loves him and who he can show off to the world and you who is his secret and who he goes to for sex. Well, until now that is. He probably lied to you when he said that he loves you. He also probably said that he was going to leave his wife for you right? It looks like he's decided to stick with his wife rather than lose her to you. I'm afraid you are going to have to move on no matter how you feel about this guy. Make sure that you don't carry on the affair with him once he changes his mind and decides that he wants you as his mistress again. Get him out of your life for good. I know that it will be hard to get back into the single life again after almost 2 decades but it's better to give yourself a chance to find someone unattached than get used for sex.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2007): Did he give you any reasons? Have you been having problems recently? Could you perhaps tell him how hard it is for you and that you would like to understand what has happened. Even if it is just to help you to get closure and let go? 18 Years is a long time, so it would not be unreasonable to try and work things out.
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