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female
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anonymous
writes: I have been having an affair with a married man for ten years. I was twenty four then, and a student in his torts class. He says he loves his wife, but he loves me more. Because of their two children, he has to stay with her (he also feels sorry for her, evidently, I am more attractive, and our sex life is amazing) The problem is that I want to break it of with him because my life is passing me by, and I have not been able to get close with another partner. PZ has no idea that I feel this way. How should I end this crazy affair?
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2010): Sad but the same thing is happening to me, for six years and having an affair with a married man its not easy , once you get to love its difficult to make a decision. You know its not right and we missing the best time of our life with someone that never will leave the family for us, if he haven't make a decision in ten years he wont leave the wife, no kids attached no one...but you have to be strong and think of you , because its not easy , and the bad thing its only you care .
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2009): cold turkey ...just break every link you have with him .
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female
reader, yep_ivebeenthere  +, writes (18 February 2009):
Oh you poor thing. I wish I could give you a big hug. I think sometimes it feels like our whole existence is wrapped up in our married lover. Like you forget where you end and they begin, you are desperately in love, and you've given him everything, surely all that work that went into your patience and heartache will pay off in the end. I mean, it has to right? You didn't stick in there for all this time for nothing?? Except you are smart enough to know that there is nothing at the end of the rainbow. And you just want validation that the tears you shed for him were worth something more than just your dirty little secret status. Guess what? You have been a dirty little secret for 10 years and when you leave him no one will ever know that your relationship existed. And he has a fall back plan. You? Does it matter? You are expendable. So your choices? Stay with him to at least validate the fact that you are alive and worthy of some sloppy seconds of affection. Or leave him and have your 10 year relationship "poof" and vanish as though it never existed. Even though you treated him better than you would have treated a normal husband, because you wanted to proved how wonderful you are. Maybe you cooked for him, dressed up cute for him, was an amazing lover for him. And his wife never did any of that stuff. But it appears she doesn't have to. Maybe you didn't have to either? How to leave? How to leave? How to leave? It seems so impossible...
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2008): You said life is passing you by. He will never change and it's up to you to respect yourself and look for another healtier relationship. He used you for 10 years but don't allow him to do another 10 . Take dancing lessons, learn something interesting, be free, meet new available men. Don't allow him to break your heart. He is not worth it. You deserve so much more. You have no right to be there. he has a wife and kids. Run, run, sweetie as far away as you can and don't ever give him your phone No.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2008): He is never leaving his family....he has been playing you...he has his wife and you giving him sex and excitment all these years...Think...if he was in a bad marriage he would have left her years ago..Just cut the phone calls and start dating unattached men...Stay away from his bullshit..if he cheats with you...he will cheat on you too..the man is a cheater and lier..Go on with your life forgive yourself and ask God for guidance..I wish you luck..
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2008): I am also in the same situation and have been for 4 years. Some people are saying he will never leave his wife for you, but you already know that and are not asking him to. You always knew the situation and like me am not waiting for him to leave his wife. Just tell him how you feel and move on.
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female
reader, Tweets +, writes (29 January 2008):
 You need to find it in your head not your heart, that it's the right thing to do first. second, be strong, and mean it when you tell him that it is over. Don't allow him to weasel back in. IF, and only IF he truly is going to leave her AND does, then reevaluate how you feel about persuing the relationship again. You are the only one that you should be concerned about at this point. He doesn't matter right now, you do. Surround yourself by good friends and toss out of your head thoughts of what he is doing, it doesn't matter, he isn't with you is he?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2008): I am married so is he. We both aren't ready to leave our spouses, I have two young kids. He feels sorry for her because she is depressed, they have money problems with their new business,her father died, three years ago, when her mother dies, she lives with them now, she'll be all alone, blah, blah, blah. I persued him and he took the option to have an interlude or 2. I never thought that it would last 6 months. I have tried twice to break it off with him. the first time he agreed, but he came back 2 weeks later. I recently told him it's over, that we both are married and this is wrong, and he has no intentions of leaving her, ever. I'm separated. He came down to my place of business,I'm self employed, within 15 minutes, and we are still together. I can't seem to break up with him. He asked me not to do it anymore, and not to ask him to make a decision that he can't make right now. Well, guess who's away for 4 days with his wife? Not me. I feel terrified inside to completely shut him off,that maybe one day he will leave her. I know he isn't going to, he wants "to have fun right now and keep things light until the time comes." His words, not mine. I used to think I was such a much stronger person, but I am in love and we do stupid things. I will eventually let my head rule over my heart, because there is already pain.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2008): The more time you spend working on yourself, reading books that make you feel more valuable,then the less attractive this man will seem to you. It's all about the self love and coming to a place when you absolutely know that if you really are the object of a man's love he could never, never live any other way than to be with you and you only. And he could never, never knowingly cause you pain. When you truly feel good about yourself and whole as a person you will believe in your head and heart that any man has to be able to pay the price to be with you. And that price is respect, honour and value above all else. A man will treat you the way you treat yourself. It took me making the same mistake over and over until I got to this place
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2007): As someone who's been cheated on, He wont leave her. Move on. I will, and I know that he still wont honer the other woman, because men like that have no respect for themselves, let alone their wives or whatevers.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2007): Hi:I understand what you are going thru because I too am in the same situation. We fell in love and care for each other so much. He doesn't want to leave his wife because they have a little girl. He's afraid that she will take the child away and will never see the child again. I can understand that, but I've told him in the USA, each parent gets custody of the child and that he won't lose his daughter. I know he loves me because I've seing him aged ever since he had a daughter. I know being away from me hurts him so much, but just like the rest of all the woman on this forum, I don't want to see time flashes by my eyes and realized I'm all by myself at the end while he still have her.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2006): Honey, I know how hard this is for you! I have also been involved in an affair for going on 10 years. Although , My lover has never promised to leave his wife , he does make comments about our life in later years. Its very easy for these women to be judgemental because some have been scorned. However truth be told 50% of them have cheated on their husbands. To be quite honest there is no easy way out. These men have become our best friend and our life partners even in the absence of marriage. Although, I am still involved in my affair, I am now facing the fact that I too need a full time realtionship , I dont have to share. Truth be told we do deserve better! But, until we can deal with the pain it doesnt matter what anyone says ,We stay! I dont have the answers but sometimes it helps to talk to someone that at least understands and does not judge.I wish you all the luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2006): Take care of yourself by leaving and building your own life. He won't leave.
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female
reader, ask aunty heather +, writes (1 January 2006):
dump him by e mail! he wants to have his cake and eat it. a toatally clean break and a new start is what you need.its the perfect time as we start a new year. good luck.
the o lie he is spinning you about loving you more than his wife is s uch a cliche.dump him now with as much pomp an ceremony as you can muster in an e mail! show him how much you are worth to him by reflecting his bad behaviour back at him
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2006): I would never ever ever have anything to do with a law professor. They have way too much time on their hands, and inherently have coped out on life so they think that "laws" (rules) of life don't apply to them. Run girl.... Run as fast as you can... and tell his wife to run too
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2005): Attractiveness comes from a persons personality, heart and integrity. Do you really know this woman well enough to say you are more attractive than her????? Personally I would suggest that a woman(who must have the lowest self esteem to do this in the first place) having an affair with a married man obviously has less of all these things than a devoted wife. Therefore it is clearly her who's the more attractive. This is obviously a fact he knows deep down too, thats why he stays. (even though he is in no way deserving of her, in fact I believe you and him deserve each other).
honestly , how conceited can you be....You have take responsibilty for wasting your 10yrs on this relationship.....Sorry, but I have no sympathy for you. All I can say is........Poor wife, she deserves to know what scum she is married to.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2005): how you end this affair is simple: tell him it's over and mean it. he obviously is never going to leave his wife so you should just forget about ever getting together with him. tell him goodbye, and that you are going to go and start your life for yourself. go and find a man that you don't have to sneak around with. you deserve it!
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female
reader, kellyO  +, writes (30 December 2005):
 Hi dearie, i agree with all the others. you should leave this guy. he has been stringing you over the years and i really dont believe he will leave his wife. Tell him he has a family with kids and now u want a family of u own too. He shouldnt be selfish and not consider the fact that u wish to settle down like him. Please dont waste anymore of your time here.I wish u all the best.
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reader, Rebecca Batchelor +, writes (30 December 2005):
 All the advice below is accurate but I think you need to ask yourself why it is you have been with him for the last ten years. Once you've figured this out, then you can understand why you have stuck with him and what you would like from someone who is unattached.
Of course you need to tell him how you feel. Life is passing you by and you could find someone who isn't married and perfect for you while you are still waiting for him.
Would you ever be able to trust him anyway if he did leave his wife? What does he really think of her and what respect does he have for you and his wife? The children are an excuse; though they do get hurt in these situations, they still prefer parents apart that are happy then unhappy parents together.
Be straight with him and think of his wife. Have you thought of her before?
Let him know exactly how you feel and move on. He may well try to keep seeing you but if you are determined to find someone, eventually, who is unattached, then you will stay strong.
Good luck.
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female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (30 December 2005):
 You say to him, "I've been waiting for ten years for you to make a break so we can be together exclusively. Now I've realised that you're never going to leave your wife. It's time I left."
It's concise, and it pretty much matches what you've told us here.
Actually making the break is going to be much easier than having the realisation was. The only thing you have to be wary of is that this man has been having sex on tap with two women for ten years, and he's not going to want to give that up without a few lies--- sorry--- without a fight.
I strongly suspect that your lover will promise you anything to get you to reconsider. Oh, yes, he'll definitely leave his wife, he's been wanting to tell you at just the right moment. It's definitely going to happen now that the children are older, etc etc etc.
Just remember that a man's actions say much more than his words. He's already shown you what you can expect from him, so don't cave in and go back, based on transparent promises. Make the separation and don't look back.
If later on, down the track, he contacts you, and has the notarised divorce papers in his hand... well, make your choice then. If you still want to.
You're doing the right thing for your mental health, you know.
Take care.
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female
reader, Tinkz  +, writes (30 December 2005):
 Sweety,
Just tell him! "Buddy this body isn't going to be like this forever, so you take it or you leave it"
Ten years is a long time, i'm surprised you haven't given him the boot years ago!
He has no intention on leaving his wife, but i think you have noticed that already. Move on with your life - WITHOUT HIM.
There are other men out there that would love to be your man only!
GOOD LUCK
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female
reader, Phyrekiss +, writes (30 December 2005):
 Breaking this marriage would be a decision he has to make. But he will have to do this on his own. Let him know your intentions/feelings. Tell him you cant wait forever.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2005): just tell your partner that he is doing the wrong thing by his wife anyway & if he wont leave her then its not fair on you yo have to be in that position. and why do you want to be with him anyway if he is cheating oh his wife then he could do the sane to you in the long run. it will hurt at first but un the future its best for you....
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female
reader, mommyofthree +, writes (30 December 2005):
 You need to be straight and to the point. Tell him that it is over, and you are moving on with your life. Do not be fooled when he then promises to leave his wife and be with you, be assured that this is a way for him to keep you for a while longer but he will not leave his wife. After you tell him that it is over do not answer his calls or emails, and do not agree to meet with him. If you are to stay free of him you have to make a clean break and not look back. Good lck.
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