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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: My married lover travels with his wife up to 3-5 times a year. The longest he is away is a month at a time. It's very difficult for me, even though I've chosen to place myself in this role. I feel resentful and left behind. They are natural emotions. And no less valid because he is married. I feel them.So, I sit on the sidelines every time they go away. Recently they went to Japan. And soon they are off to Florida for 3 weeks.I cope by trying to keep busy but it's still terribly hard. I've recently come into some money and am able to afford travel on my own. He is not happy with the idea that I want to take holidays on my own while he is gone. Is that fair?He says he is fine with it if I go with my sister, gf's or mom but not alone. Why? He said if a man hits on me I won't have the excuse of being with a bf on the trip. He says if I go alone, I'm out looking to have sex with random men. And this is so far from the truth. I may be stupid being involved with a married guy but I do love him and I've always been faithful.He says I'm trying to make him jealous, giving him a taste of his own medicine. Trying to punish him. I just don't understand why I can't have fun too? Without involving other men in the picture when I'm on a trip? Does he NOT trust me? Is this what it's all about? Thinking not only would I have opportunities to cheat on him but that I would take them?? What do you think? Does he have any valid points?
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female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (1 November 2018):
 I say go on holiday, sort yourself out by having a good hard look at just how much this dude is a douche bag for even thinking he has any right to so much have an opinion about it. Maybe then you can realise that you can and should find a love worthy. Get them tickets girl...
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2018): Post script:
I think some time away from him would be good for you. You're talking like you're the wife, and his wife is the mistress.
My dear, he's got your head on backwards; and you need some distance and time alone to reboot your brain! You're letting the best days of your life and youth slip-away! You're in the prime of your life; and it'll be gone before you know it.
Your post is almost silly! You're too mature and dignified to be writing such nonsense.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2018): Seriously?!! What can he do about it? It's your money, your time, and your body to do with whatever you please!
You're well-over 21, and you don't need daddy's permission!
You've been a good little mistress. Sat home, quietly, chewing your nails, and wringing your hands; while wifey gets the bonus prizes behind Door #2! You get his spare-time and salty restrictions on what you can and cannot do.
EX-CUUUUSE ME?!!
I'm not even going to get-up on my moral soap-box about this one. You go, girlfriend! This is your moment!
Traveling solo is fabulous! Nobody to judge you, no one to answer to. Total freedom from sneaking around to nibble on his wife's sloppy leftovers! Aren't you tired of his same old penis? It's being shared with another woman. I gather he's also 50ish; so it must not always rise to the occasion. Lest he's a Viagra-man! Limp-Willie without the blue pill!
I'd say, go for it baby!!! Don't splurge-away all your money. Put some aside for a tidy little nest egg. Get yourself a nice travel wardrobe. Travel light, you can shop when you get to wherever you want to go.
I suppose you take his jealousy to mean he cares about you? He thinks he owns your vagina; and he doesn't want some random penis dipping into it. Maybe you'll meet some cool guy along the way, unattached, available, rich, and crazy about you! Maybe you'll run into a fabulous whirlwind romance (be safe, use condoms) and get swept off your feet.
You've shared this guy, for however long it's been. Now's your chance to taste freedom and independence; and not feel like somebody's piece of property! While he treats his wife the way you wish you could be treated.
My advice? Go for it girlfriend, and be selfish! Do everything he tells you not to do! Like you did when you were a teenager; and daddy said don't do this or that! Send him and his wife some photos on Snapchat!
You better enjoy yourself before karma catches up with you!
Sooner or later, you've got to pay the piper! So have some fun before that happens!
You're messing around with another woman's husband; and you don't seem to feel any guilt or remorse about it. You don't even seem to mind that you've got to sit aside like an old pair of rain-boots; waiting for a rainy day, so he might decide to "use" you. I know the story and the song. "He's good to me, he buys me things, he pays my bills, he's good in bed"...yaduh-yaduh!!!
Whatever! "He's somebody else's guy!" His wife gets the VIP treatment; because she holds a nasty divorce over his head as leverage. Maybe he truly loves her, and uses you.
Go ahead and take that trip alone. Someplace where you'll meet sexy men with dark wavy hair, and deep dark eyes! Like Madrid, Spain; or Tuscany, Italy. Give France a pass! Things are a little edgy these days! Go where the food and wine is delicious, and you'll forget you're a mistress.
You're his frivolous investment, nonessential entertainment; and he doesn't want other men to soil you. You're pushing 50, so how many more good days do you have before he starts looking at younger chickadees anyway?
Wanna raise your value? Travel alone! If he dumps you, you win. If he doesn't, you're still sharing somebody's husband.
Playing lady #2. The side-dish. The aging-mistress, counting down the days. May as well, have yourself some fun!
GO SOLO!!!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2018): It's the OP. It's more like he said he doesn't even know why I'd want to go alone. He said when he goes away he's with his wife and wouldn't be fooling around. I'd be alone, and people who travel alone usually have the intention of getting laid. He said a guy could overpower me and rape me or slip something in my drink. Or a group of guys could take advantage of me, gang raping me. Not sure why he's so protective??
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2018): You’re both in an affair, so there’s no trust. There can’t be because you’re not trustworthy or (currently) decent people. If you don’t like it, get rid of him. You clearly don’t care what you’re doing to his wife or family, so why care about any of it?
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (1 November 2018):
 Perhaps you could ask his wife. See what HER take on this is.
Two things come to mind here. Firstly, as he is a cheater himself, he projects what he is happy doing onto you. Secondly, as you are happy to be in a relationship with a married man, why would he think you have any morals?
You obviously don't care what his wife thinks, or what others think (I imagine), so why are you laying so much store on what HE thinks?
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female
reader, mystiquek  +, writes (1 November 2018):
 The fact of the matter is that you are both cheating so do you really trust one another? He's cheating on his wife and you know he's married and yet you are seeing him. How can there be trust? Of course he doesn't trust you because he figures if you would cheat with him, why wouldn't you cheat on him? He more than likely is the type of man that would cheat on YOU any chance he could so he figures you would do that same.
Aren't you tired of all of this? Is he so wonderful that he's worth all of the drama and pain that you are going through? Is he REALLY that great? Will he still be that great 5 years down the road when you are still waiting for him, knowing he's going on vacations with HIS wife while you sit there waiting for him to sneak away to call you??
Wake up darling...smell the coffee. Life is short and you are throwing yours away on a man who you can't even call your own. Don't you deserve better?
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2018): I can understand the points of views of others who have answered your question, but I know that doesn't help you so I will tell you my story. I'm not proud of it, but I hope it helps you with your struggle.My partner and I (we've been together almost 8 years now) began our relationship when we were both still married, albeit in unhappy marriages. At first we struggled with just the fact that we were both in someone else's bed every night. But after about two years she got a divorce and was single. For a while, I was the only one still married. My kids were small and we took "family" trips and my partner didn't like that but I truly was faithful to her (my now ex-wife told me she now knows why we didn't have sex the last few years of our marriage - because I was being faithful to someone else).Before I was divorced, about a year after my partner, I was insecure about her new-found "single" status and had anxiety similar to your man's. I didn't tell her what she could or could not do but I did have anxiety about the fact that she was single, and everybody knew it, and there was nothing to actually stop her from moving on from me and finding someone else, even if it was just a one-night-stand.Fortunately, we both were in love from the beginning and neither of us ever wanted anything other than each other. We now have that, and we're happier than we've ever been. I guess my point is this: his anxiety is normal, and your feelings are normal (of course, having an affair isn't "normal" but you are, so I'm talking about what's normal in that circumstance).Now keep in mind, my story is the exception, not the rule. Most affairs end badly, especially for the woman. Most men who cheat on their wives are, as others have said, lowlife scumbags who just want variety on the side and have not intention of leaving their wives but want their side girl to be loyal. Some would condemn me too, and like I said, I'm not necessarily proud of it. But it is what it is and I'm happy we made it work.So, to answer your question: He does not have the right to tell you what you can and can't do, but his concerns and your feelings are both valid (under the circumstances, even if the circumstances are bad). My advice is to just talk to him about all of this and acknowledge his concerns but also let him know you will not be sitting at home - if he doesn't want you doing things alone, he needs to get divorced and do those things with you.
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male
reader, N91 +, writes (31 October 2018):
 What valid points could he have? He is an absolute scumbag. How can you love a lying cheat? Honestly, I’m intrigued. What could he be giving you that an honest single man couldn’t?
This guy is basically calling you a slut that can’t control her urges when you’re alone. This is who you love? Really? I feel so sorry for you. It’s sad that some men can convince women that they’re worth so little.
Think in ten years time when you’re possibly 60+ and still single, on the way to dying alone whilst this guy still swans about putting his dick wherever he fancies whilst still married to his poor wife. Is that the future you want for yourself? Where is your self respect? Who gives a shit why he doesn’t trust you, concentrate on finding someone who respects you and actually loves you.
Get your priorities in order.
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female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (31 October 2018):
 Trust, respect, faith are all lost on him. Why? Because he's a lowlife who's cheating on his wife with you and cheating on you with God knows who.
He knows his own flaws far too well and thinks that if he's not be trusted then others are not as well. I bet he's extremely possessive of his wife.. The kind of man who wouldn't allow her to wear too dark a shade of lipstick lest she draw attention to herself.
To answer your question, of course he doesn't trust you! He probably thinks of you as someone who has no morals because if you can sleep with him, a married man, then you are no better than... Let's not say it but you know it's not a very good word. While YOU know you're not like that, he doesn't...because you're just a warm body to him, nothing more. He's never tried to get to know you better, to spare a thought for your feelings. As long as he's having the affair with you, he wants you all to himself. After he's done with you, you can go to hell for all he cares.
Tell me OP, in your heart of hearts you know all this don't you? Anyone would. What happened that you had to lower yourself to this level to become someone's mistress? Do you really devalue yourself that much? Don't you think you deserve so much better?
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (31 October 2018):
 No, he has ABSOLUTELY no reason to try and TELL you what you can and can not do. You aren't OWNED by him or MARRIED to him or even DATING him.
YOU are his mistress, his dirty little secret on the side.
I think it's more important to hear from you WHY you think he actually has a say in this?
And WHY on Earth you are settling for being someone's mistress, why sell yourself short and take someone else's leftovers?
Who cares what he thinks?! what do YOU think?!
This married man doesn't trust you to behave and not have sex with random strangers... why do you think he believes that? *hint* Because he doesn't have an ounce of respect for you and because HE would go have sex with ANY random women who was willing if he was on a vacation by himself. He is PROJECTING his OWN bad behavior onto you.
As it reads, he seems to think you are some grand WHORE who can't take a vacation without having to jump every single available man.... Wow... and you WANT to be in an affair with him?
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