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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: My married lover broke off our 5 year relationship after his wife saw some messages exchanged between us. We are still in touch. But he has now told me he attempted to have sexual relations with her last night and failed. He's always maintained the his wife was asexual and didn't enjoy sex. I do enjoy sex and our sex life has always been very passionate and he has always called me his sexual equal. He has told me he would be willing to possibly resume our relationship in time because I am a great lover.What I don't understand is why he is even attempting sex with her while asking me to wait for him? Putting my own needs on hold while he tries to bang his wife, who obviously doesn't like or isn't into sex? I am feeling upset and feeling betrayed. I guess I don't have a right to be as his wife was ultimately betrayed. But I really don't understand why he's even told me this? I think it's pretty cruel and unfeeling of him to tell me that. He lost his attraction to her years ago. What makes him think I'd be ok with that or even want to hear about it? And also, it seems strange to me that only 4 weeks after learning of his infidelity, she would be ready to have sex with him so soon? He hasn't been able to see me since. But I am now wondering if he has found a NEW lover and is lying about his wife. She's never liked sex.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2020): Lots of men say their wife is asexual or does not like sex - what this really means is he is no good at romance and turning her on, no good at foreplay or being a good lover with her so she does not want sex with him. If a sexy man who is good at sex came along she would jump at it. Men have a big ego sometimes, it makes them feel better to think their wife would not want it or enjoy it with any man rather than face it is just this way with them.
Why would he be dumb enough to share this information with you and tell you that he is having sex with her - or trying to? Is this how he gets off? Is he using you for a sexual thrill, the way some men ring sex chat lines and pay $30 to tell some woman their fantasy while they pretend it is true. I promise you that if his wife wanted him he would not have been coming to you at all and would not stay in touch with you, you would be superfluous to requirements.
Now look at your life. How exciting and romantic and fulfilling is it? Did this man ever care enough to take you out for a nice evening out and treat you like a nice human being, or did he just use you as a blow up doll, just for sex? How can you improve on whichever, by seeing a single man maybe? I know that sounds like a ridiculous thing to do but it is normal and often more fulfilling. Though a man has to be more than just single to be good enough to date, he has to be at least single to be considered.
I had a married man nagging me to be his bit on the side, for six years. He was/is one of the most selfish men that ever walked this planet. He gave no thought to how it would affect me and what an awful life I would have if I was there going without so much and at his beck and call.
Even if he had been single I would have said no to a man that selfish.
How do you cope when the tap springs a leak and needs a new washer? Usually a single partner helps out with these things. How do you cope when you want a holiday or at Christmas? Usually a single guy would share all of this with you. How do you cope when you are ill in hospital, your cat needs feeding, you need things brought in or you need nursing and comfort when you return? Or do you think it is fine for you to return to an empty place with nobody to support you while your so called man is trying to seduce his wife?
A
male
reader, kenny  +, writes (9 August 2020):
 You have got to come to the harsh realisation that this guy is married to another woman, and waiting for him is absolutely pointless.
He is a married man, and has been sleeping with you on the side. This in itself is lying and cheating. If he is capable of this then how can you trust anything that leaves that mans mouth.
You are his mistress, you hook up on his availability and terms when he can successfully sneak of for an hour or too.
He sleeps with you, tells you your the greatest in bed, that his wife neglects him. Tells you sweet nothings, and promises you that one day he will leave his wife.
I'm sorry OP, its all a crock, and he will never leave his wife. If he did how could you ever trust him.
Spare yourself all the future heartache and ditch this lying cheat.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2020): How is it you have so little self respect. This guy has used you for five years. He has fed you a line of BS about his "asexual" wife keeping you waiting by the phone for him.Now he's done with you and back with his wife and you're still sitting by the phone waiting for him. He is a cheater and liar and a user. And the worst of it is he doesn't have the decency (yeah I know using decency in this sordid tale is a joke) to tell you it's over. He keeps you hanging on so that he can start using you again when things get boring or tough with his wife.IPlease please please show some self respect and stop this. Delete his number block his email block him on any social media. Find a therapist to find out why you were willing to waste 5 years of your life on this man and why you're willing to continue wasting precious time waiting on him
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (9 August 2020):
 I don't know why I even bothered reading this, and I drew the line at your first question asking why he's trying to have sex with his wife.
His marriage and what he does in it are none of your business.
He didn't betray you. You tried to insert yourself into his marriage, and worm him away from his wife. Now you're hanging about like some dolt waiting for him to come back to you.
You are not a victim. You're an accomplice, and, I suspect, the author of at least some of the rubbish posts we've been receiving lately, asking why wives blame the mistress instead of the straying husband.
Never mind what other people are doing or not doing. You make sure you're doing the right thing. By the sounds of it, that should keep you busy enough.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2020): You're dating a married-man, and you're wondering why he's trying to have sex with his wife? That's rich!
You've got it bass-ackwards! She's the wife, and somehow she discovers he's cheating with you. The way it's supposed to work goes like this: She becomes enraged, upset, and outraged! She's supposed to kick him out, and demand a divorce. If he wants to save his marriage; he begs for forgiveness from his wife, and dumps you! He spends the rest of his life making it up to her! That's the proper order of things!
You play second-fiddle. Attending to your needs and feelings are at his discretion. You've placed yourself in the position as being his mistress and concubine. You get the leftovers and part-time attention he finds time to share with you.
All you described sounds typical and characteristic of an affair. Doesn't seem anything got left-out. It's been five years, seems you'd be used to being treated like this. When you want out, you kick him to the curb; and go find your own man. Preferably someone single and available.
This is how he reminds you of your place. You're the mistress, and she's the wife. Your job is to serve-up sex on-demand. Not rock the boat! Mistresses have no right to complain. Your relationship is strictly voluntary. You're under no obligation to stay. Affairs have built-in exit-clauses. You just leave, if you're not satisfied with the arrangement.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (9 August 2020):
 Yep, I'm with Cindy
You BELIVE that HE is telling the truth about his marriage and wife. And that is YOUR mistake.
He dumps you because the wife finds out, then regale you with details of "bad sex" in order to entice you to rekindle and be his blow up doll again.
OP, don't you think the "break up" is possible the BEST thing for you? He isn't WANTING to BE with you, just to have you has his fuck buddy when HE wants sex. Or more sex. That is ALL you are. A F Buddy.
It is cruel and unfeeling? Sure, but I think HIM cheating on his wife is MORE cruel and unfeeling and you NOT giving a single F about his marriage is VERY unfeeling you. ALL you care about is YOU. All HE cares about is his penis.
Why would you not look for a SINGLE guy who WANTS a relationship AND sex WITH you? Instead of someone else husband? Someone who CAN NOT really invest emotionally any other way with you BECAUSE he is MARRIED to someone else.
YOU are doing this to yourself. YOU made the choice to be a "mistress" to a married man. THIS is one of the most COMMON outcomes of an affair. And you think the entire BLAME is on him? You need to take some responsibility for your own choices and actions.
You choice in a partner who is married is a bad choice.
Continuing to CHEAT with a married man is a bad action.
The only people you HURT when you cheat with a married man? ARE you and the wife.
Wish him well, cut him loose and when you are ready FIND yourself a single guy who WANTS you and JUST you.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (9 August 2020):
 I have more questions than answers. Why are you bothered what he is doing? Why are you still waiting for him? He is married. He is not free to have a relationship with you. Do you think this is all you deserve - to be used by someone for sex when the wife won't put out?
Let's assume he is telling you the truth (as we have no evidence one way or the other), does it not make you feel bad about yourself that he would choose a woman who shows no sexual interest in him over you, when you have put so much effort into your sex life? This says much more about you than him. Why do you not think you are worth any better?
Sadly it doesn't sound like you are ready to walk away. You are fixated on this unavailable man and will probably wait until such time as he manages to escape his wife's watchful eye and spare you the occasional hour or two for a bit of rumpy pumpy. I wonder what has happened in your life to make you believe this is all you deserve?
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (9 August 2020):
 You are assuming that all you are being told about this situation is etched-in-granite truth. But rarely a cheating husband is the most thuthful and reliable person around, and you are not taking into account that he could be telling you a lot of lies, as he must have told his wife since 5 years ago.
How do you know that his wife does not like , or is not into sex ?... Maybe she is not into sex ... with a husband that she suspected of cheating, and/ or that she saw distant , mechanical and passionless as a lover ( since his sexual energies were directed elsewhere ). Now that, apparently at least, he has come back to her and got rid of his distractions, the wife can feel sexual again.
Plus, obviously, you have his word, the word of a liar and a cheater, that he had totally stopped having sex with his wife. I'd be skeptical about it. True, when people are married since quite a while , often physical desire dwindles, or just dies, and more so if there are already other problems in the marriage .... then again, the habit, the sheer easiness and convenience of a warm, accesible body beside you..... uhm; all these people in " asexual " marriages with asexual spouses... at the end of the day , they mean they just don't do stuff very often, and they don't do it very enthusiastically, - but they still do it.
As for why he saw fit informing you about his current sex life, yes, that is and will remain, a bit of a mistery. I guess it is to keep you safely on the back burner ( see ? I am married , and back to my wife, but I don't like her, I can't even have sex with her... because I only desire you ! ) If he can make you believe that , that his passion for you makes it impossible for him to have sex with otehr women even if he tries his best efforts.... ) then he is free to take a " sabbatical " from you and your demands; free to just relax at home with his wife- or free to work at rebuilding his marriage - or, maybe, as you say, to pursue newer, fresher sexual interests. But , of course, he did not want to cut all his bridges behind himself, so why he keeps you hanging , in case in future he might want to come back...
It's up to you if you want to do something as foolish and self destructive as to wait quietly for the summons and the whims of a selfish, fickle married man. Hopefully being in the 41-50 age bracket, you should have accrued more self-worth and more dignity than that. Then again, it is your choice. YOUR choice, no matter what °he°does, or does not, with his wife.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2020): Oh dear. Another one.
I'm sorry - that line sounds uncaring but it's only because i've been there. I've been the mistress and let me tell you this - no matter how lovely and caring the married lover may come across at this point, you will look back in years to come and realise he was completely full of hot air!
I really don't think you will grasp that at this point though as you just seem hurt at this point and that's not enough for you to see the light.
What exactly do you want to come of this situation? Do you want him to leave her? Do you just want to be his bit of sex for life? What exactly is it you expect to be the outcome?
The fact that he is asking you to wait for him whilst he tries sex with his wife or anybody else proves what a pig he is, why on earth would you want to give your body to him?
If a non committed relationship is what you want, find a friend with benefits or something because you are doing your body a huge disservice in giving it to this animal.
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