A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyoneI had a date tonight that i just feel confused about. Would love to unpack with you all and get information.A guy I've had 2 dates with already invited me to his friends' "party". I was told it was saturday and assumed it would be evening. He apparently has these often. Anyway, I was god to come down that morning by 3. I had work and i couldn't so I said I would meet there by 5. It turns out it was a kids bday party with also adults. Now, I love kids so I was fine with that. MY point is I had zero information from this dude.Anyway, they had some pizza laying around etc but I guess the BBq'd at like 3. (again, no info) I felt the guy being more interested in playing corn hole and doing shots with his buds then sopedning time talking to me. WE barely had a moment alone all evening. Its not like I know him well. I felt like he wanted us to be like his buds who have been married for 10 years and I'm supposed to sit at the pool with the wives suddenly while he goofs off.It was kinda lame. Worst of all though around 7 I asked if there was any pizza left, i told him I was hungry and he walked to the kitchen said no and walked over to talk to another dude for 1/2 hour! Totally ditched again. When he finally came back i said, "Hey I need to get food I don't feel well. Mayne I should go" he looked really surprised but he didnt offer to take me to offing Mcdonalds or anything he just walked me to the car and we said good night. This is rubbish. Am i high maintenece or what? Do i never talk to him again Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2020): This was not a date. He sees you as just a friend, hence you get invited and left to your own devices.
A
male
reader, kenny  +, writes (9 August 2020):
 I agree with the other aunts, i don't think that you are high maintenance, far from it in fact.
I think its kind of odd behaviour to invite someone to a kids party after only being on two dates with them. Then ignoring them all night so they can talk to their friends is just a major red flag.
You hardly know this guy, no one really knows anyone after just two dates. Think if it were me, this would be enough for me to call it a day with him. I would move on, and think myself lucky i got out early before things progressed further.
Inviting a date to a party, then ignoring them all night. Yes major red flag in my opinion. If this happened on the third date, then chances are nothing is going to change on subsequent dates. Ditch this guy and move on.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (9 August 2020):
 Ghost him.
I agree with your assessment of him, acting like you've been married 10 years and at a couples' function.
If he does reach out, be polite and formal (the way you would with a stranger). If you end up having a discussion about your dissatisfaction, keep it brief, stick to the facts and keep feelings and descriptions like 'lame' and 'rubbish' out of it.
I say this for 3 reasons. one, the more time you spend delving into someone else's mistakes, the less receptive they will be to hearing it. Second, feelings and negative terms allow the person you're speaking to to dismiss what you're saying by labeling you as 'emotional'. Third, keeping it brief gives the other person fewer opportunities to interrupt you.
The guy was a dud date. No hard feelings, just move on.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2020): Typo correction:
"You deserved better from your date, and you have every right to feel disappointed!"
P.S.
In the future, prepare to leave when a date goes sour, or you feel uncomfortable in a situation. You don't stay or allow other guests to see you having an issue between you and your date. If you arrived in your own car, you could have excused yourself and just left. If he drove you there, you should call a Lyft, cab, or a friend; and leave, without making a scene.
I might suggest you stayed longer than you should have. I would have left while he was busy doing shots and ignoring me.
I don't know why you would ever want to talk to him again after such an experience.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (9 August 2020):
 I have to agree with Cindy,
I think you should have asked more questions BEFORE going. It you knew it was more of a "family" event than a "party", then you could have told him that you think that is a little too soon for a 3rd date.
So I don't think that is all on him. As for food, IF you show up LATE somewhere it's always smart to have eaten before, even if you though there would be more food later.
It is hard to be "ditched" by all the women/wives at a place where you only barely know one person, ABSOLUTELY. I'm not a super social person myself so this would have terrified me, but I would have made an effort. And not expected him to stick to me like velcro and entertain me alone.
I also agree if you WANT to get to know this guy, talk to him and suggest that you would PREFER one-on-one dates until you know each other better. That you felt kind of out of your depth at a kids/family birthday party with a whole bunch of strangers.
If you kind feel MEEH towards him, I'd just let him know that you don't think he and you are a good fit and wish him luck then block/delete and move on. I wouldn't ghost him because I don't think he deserves that.
I think he DID invite you because he wanted to include you, show you off and have you meet some of the people in his life that he enjoys. IT was just TOO much too soon. Can also be that he is a VERY social person and you are not quite as social as him.
Also, YOU are not 5. If you were hungry and he told you here were no more food, you could have said OK, I have to run out and get some (and then decided if you wanted to come back or not). It really wasn't HIS job to make sure you ate. Would it have been nice if he had takes that 30 min. to drive to the nearest McD or whatnot? YES. That would have been a sign (to me) of a considerate guy with manners) but you weren't OWED that. Also maybe, if you had gotten to chat with some of the ladies there and mentioned you were hungry the owner of the house or someone else could have said, oh there is no more pizza but do you want a sandwich or what not? It's it a little on you.
Nothing to do with being "high maintenance" or not. I have to say he isn't the MOST attentive guy. And that might be something to consider. When you decide on your next move.
Decide if you want to get to know him better or not.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2020): No, my dear, you aren't high-maintenance; you expected better treatment and thought you were on a date!
I'm not even sure why he brought you along to a "kids party;" and just left you among strangers. They didn't even have enough food to accommodate all their guests! Adults drinking booze around kids?
Don't blame yourself for the shortcomings of an ill-mannered inconsiderate jerk! Unfortunately, in the dating-world you win some and you lose some. If I took a date out I was just getting to know, I would make them feel like they were the center of my attention. I would stick close, and I would always stick close when introducing my date to friends and family; just to keep them feeling at-ease in unfamiliar surroundings. That's the proper and adult thing to do. You expected no less!
You deserved better from your date, and you have every right to disappointed! Ticks me off that you told the guy you were hungry; and he simply ignored you, and spent the day hanging with his buddies. Why did he even bring you? This is the getting to know you phase of your trying to establish a love-connection.
Good thing you learned right-away!
It's up to you, but do you see any further reason to see him again?
I think he's immature and rude! Block his calls, delete his messages, remove him from your contacts; and pretend you never met. Expecting better from your date is not being high-maintenance, it's having class!
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (9 August 2020):
 No, I do NOT think you are high maintenance for expecting to be treated with manners and consideration. People will treat us as we allow them; don't let people treat you badly. Considering you don't really know this guy and, I assume from that, you don't know his friends or their wives/girlfriends, dumping you with strangers while he chatted to his mates was inconsiderate and downright rude.
Regarding the food, I agree with you that he could have suggested popping out somewhere to grab something but, equally, you could have suggested it as well. Were you so miffed with him by this stage that you didn't really want to spend any more time with him? (Can't say I blame you if you were.) Were you giving him the opportunity to "redeem himself" a little?
Before this incident, did you actually like this guy? If so, perhaps you could discuss this party with him and point out that, as you were among strangers, you would have thought he would have tried to stay near you a bit to make you feel comfortable. It is possible this was just down to thoughtlessness on his part. Perhaps he is used to going out with ladies from this circle of friends who already know other people in the circle. If, however, you were already not keen on him, then let this party be the final nail in the coffin and walk away.
You deserve to be treated well. Insist on it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2020): No, you’re not high maintenance. This guy clearly isn’t trying to impress you or be considerate. I’m tired of this BS “they want you to meet their friends”. He wants to hang with his friends but still bring you around without having to put in the effort of a date. I love children and still wouldn’t want to go to one of their birthday parties. He sounds selfish and childish. Some other people may disagree with me, but you deserve to be prioritized and cared for— they should especially be doing this early on! Don’t settle. You deserve more!
I’m also old enough to know that if you’re asking yourself “Am I too high maintenance? Should I be annoyed by this?” That YOU are not the problem. He is.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2020): On the face of it, you do sound a tiny bit high M on this occasion however I think i'd be more annoyed that he put you in a position with a bunch of strangers and just left you to it. That's alot of pressure to put you under and especially on date 3.
It all depends on you though and I can tell you're annoyed by this in your post. How did the first two dates go? Do you feel a connection? Also - did you feel you got along well with his family during the 'party'?
Have a long hard think about the answers to the above and let that determine whether you bother with date number 4.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (9 August 2020):
 Yes, I think you are, a little .
Look, I get it that you were ambushed into going to a children's party ( but actually, it was not even a children's party, more like a families' party ) , and that perhaps if you had known all the details, you could have chosen not to go, ...or to eat something at home, at least. But I just can't see it like such a mortal sin on his side.
In fact , I think it is sort of nice and endearing that he wants you so involved in his regular social life by the third date. Probably he could not get away from that party, and , rather than having to spend a Saturday away from you, he chose to invite you even knowing that it wasn't the most romantic setting.
Not to mention that most men ( not all of course ) are sort of clueless about things like what kind of occasion is it going to be, formal or not, what dress code , there will be food and at what time... they just don't know / don't care. Frankly, if I had been invited for a 3 pm " do "
on a Saturday , first thing I 'd have asked would have been, what's the occasion, and why so early- I don't think one can assume that 3 pm is the starting time of a " normal "
adult party with booze , dancing etc. ( then again, who knows, maybe in Australia 3 pm IS party time ).
Also,different social occasions require different behaviours, also for couples. You don't do the same things, either on your own or as a couple, whether you are invited to an official dinner by your Prime Minister, or to a rave party down at Pothead Beach. Your guy was just doing what was regular and proper given those circumstances. I understand that, at the very first dates, you'd want the spotlight to be on you and to get all the attention for yourself, it is a natural inclination, then again even when you are dating someone, you can't just be kissy-kissy smoochy-smoochy all the time and everywhere, that's the kind of attitude that made poor Harry and Meghan the laughing stock of all UK , and beyond. I think, that, for once, you could just have rolled with the punches , without developing the noticeable axe you are grinding now.
Do I never talk to him again ? That's up to you, I mean, if you just already weren't too sold on the guy, plus you have discovered he is not as attentive as you'd wish , then ditch him. Otherwise, if you do like the guy, and it was just this kids' party that rubbed you the wrong way, au contraire, talk. Talk to him. Without pointing fingers or creating drama; simply tell him that you felt uncomfortable at that party , that you'd prefer your next dates to be one-on-one, since the idea is for you to get to know each other better, and / or if you have to socialize, you'd still want him more by your side,more involved with you. See what he says - some times, often actually, we take for granted that people should just know how we feel , or what we want from them, or how we 'd want them to act.... but they don't !, and lots of promising friendships and romances just sink at the start , because of banal misunderstandings.
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