A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am a 29 year old male, currently dating a 33 year old woman. We met just before the coronavirus lockdown in the UK. Things are going well and we get on with each other, however, I discovered around a month or so ago that she is a virgin.I am really unsure of what to do. I do like her and we get on well, but whenever I try to imitate sex she always stops, or looks scared/worried. I had no idea why until she told me. I don't feel like I can carry on with this relationship without the physical side of things being involved. We kiss and cuddle but that is as far as things go. I don't know why she is a virgin at this age, but it worries me, even though I know it shouldn't. She comes from quite a conservative African and religious background, so I think that may be why, but again, she hasn't told me anything for sure.I feel like I want to break up with her, which is awful. I just don't think I'm the right person for her because of this. Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (12 August 2020):
 Ask her !
The " why " she does not responds to your attempts of having sex may come from very different things so it would have to be dealt with in very different ways.
If it is a religious prohibition, and she is one who takes her religion seriously, then there's no point in badgering her, she will only have sex as a married woman, so there's no point for you to carry on with her , unless of course you mean to marry her.
Or , she might be a virgin just because of bad luck in love / lack of opportunities / not having met the right person and so on. Some women , even without a conservative or religious background, take sex seriously and will accept to be intimate only within a serious, committed relationship, with someone who is their Mr.Right and they are in love with. Maybe that has not happened yet for her, and maybe she will / would relax once she feels she can trust you , and that you are there for the long haul ( which you may very well not be, and in this case it would be much better to clear the situation ! )
Or, she might have sexual hang ups due to the way she was raised, or to past sexual traumas, she may be one of those persons who'd love to have sex , but when the time comes they find themselves too scared and blocked to let themselves go. In this case, she would need, not only a more patient lover than you are , but probably also professional help to overcome her mental blocks.
Or, or, who knows- the reasons could be many , I think you really need to discuss your wishes and expectations with her - it may be just a matter of giving her a little more time, taking it slow still for a little while... or it may be that your wants and needs are so widely different, sexually and emotionally, that you are just wasting each other's time ! But if you don't talk about it, how would you know ?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2020): You two need to talk.
Maybe she has suffered some kind of trauma.
You wouldn't believe how common sexual abuse is.
You said African background? I'm sorry but the first thing that comes to mind is that she may have suffered some sort of genital mutilation.
There have been many cases in Europe in recent years.
What bugs me is that she looks scared or worried as you said. A 33 year old woman is no girl. If she doesn't want to have sex with you because she thinks it's too soon or she doesn't want sex before marriage, I'm sure she would have told you, unless for some reason this is a big issue for her.
You need to talk. And that's that.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2020): You havent been seeing each other for a very long time, especially if you havent been meeting up because of lockdown. Why dont you ask her how she feels about sex before marriage? I dont think you should just blurt out "why wont you have sex with me" but you can ask tactfully what her views are on it and whether she feels ready to take the next step. If you like her enough you should wait a while longer but if you're not sure please dont take her virginity and do a runner
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (9 August 2020):
 If she is from a religious and conservative background she is probably NOT wanting to have sex until after marriage. Since you two haven't TALKED about this, you have no clue.
If you want a partner with whom you can have sex while getting to know them and date them a good while before deciding on marriage, kids, etc... Then SHE isn't the one for you.
You KEEP initiating sex and SHE doesn't WANT to have sex, yet.
Why on EARTH didn't you ask her about that? Instead of keep trying to have sex with her?
I think you two are not a good fit at all. You can't even talk to each other properly. And figure out if you are on the same page or even the same book. (which I might add, I don't think you are. She is looking for a husband, you are looking for a GF)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2020): You didn't mention in your post whether you have any emotional-attachment to the woman; or if you have any special feelings for her.
I know most guys want a physical aspect to their relationships, I'm no exception; but usually, I'd say all too often, that comes before even allowing any emotional-connection to take place. Once sex has occurred, a lot of men just lose interest; and avoid letting his "conquest" expect any kind of commitment or relationship to happen. I call that "hit and run." I don't blame women for thinking the worst of menfolk; because all they want is between her legs, and nothing above the waist.
I agree you should breakup; because you didn't bother to mention what she means to you otherwise. You didn't describe anything about her that you really like or appreciate. Only that she's African, has a religious background; and the fact she's a virgin, and won't let you hit it.
It may not have occurred to you that she's holding-out for a guy who isn't just interested in the physical aspect of connecting with a woman. Maybe she wants more, and the fact she's a virgin doesn't mean she doesn't want to have sex. Maybe she doesn't want sex until she meets the kind of guy she deserves. Not a walking penis looking for a place to park, and a sour attitude towards virgins. The age of a virgin is irrelevant. Not everyone sees sex as only a recreational-activity, or just a way to get-off. Some see it as a way to express love and affection; and want it to be meaningful. Both men and women exist who feel this way.
Go find a girl who's not a virgin, and likes casual-sex with lower-expectations from men. Leave her for a guy she can fall in-love with, and will respect her for being a virgin and whatever beliefs she has. Now you know the reason for her hesitancy; and you shouldn't waste anymore of her time, or yours.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (9 August 2020):
 While a lot of men like the idea of being a woman's first lover, many shy away from the responsibility this brings with it. They fear that, if a woman chooses not to jump into bed with any Casanova who whispers sweet nothings in her ear, she is holding out for "the one" and, if they have sex, she will expect marriage (or at least a serious commitment). Could this be why you are worried?
None of us know this lady so we can't guess with any degree of accuracy why she is still a virgin in her 30s (not that there is anything wrong with that). If you are just looking for a quick leg-over, then this lady is not for you. I understand that, for most people, sex is an important part of a relationship but that does not mean this lady owes it to you to do something with which she is obviously not comfortable.
If no sex is a deal breaker for you, then don't string her along. You are probably right that you are not the right person for this lady. She needs someone understanding and patient, which is not how you come across. At least you are being honest and admitting you are not comfortable in this situation. In your shoes I would walk away and find someone who is more in tune with what you are looking for and let her find herself someone who will take the time to find out why she feels the way she does and to work on it with her.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2020): If she is a muslim then by tradition of her religion, her society and her family she is forbidden to have sex till married so if sex is important to you in a relationship I advise you to leave her alone and not to reuin her life. Find yourself a woman who is not restricted by such tradition.
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