A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I've been having an affair with a married man for three years nearly. We completely are soul-mates. We have shared so many of the same personal experiences that are very hard for anyone to come to terms with. We can talk about anything...he fights with his wife all the time but won't leave because of his kids. He had an unhappy upbringing so is determined to be a great Dad, and he is.What do I do?
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female
reader, Barbara  +, writes (23 November 2009):
If he wanted you he would have left his wife. You have been accommodating and you'll satisfy his needs for the moment. I would tell him to get lost - 3 years is a long time to still be getting slopping seconds. I bet he still sleeps with his wife! You're fooling yourself if you think he'll leave his family for you.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2007): i agree his wife and children have been the ones who have suffered from our mistakes.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI still can't believe that I nearly destroyed a family. I will never get over the shame and guilt of what I've done. I know there is no way I can make it up to his wife. I really regret ever getting involved with him. I am desperately sorry
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo I will answer all your questions...the man that I spent two and a half years with wants nothing to do with me. For all those who told me and criticised my behaviour - thank you. You were all right. I am the person who has been hurt, who has come off as the mistress and I deserve it. However no one will understand how I felt for him. I do feel release from him and that it is the best thing that has ever happened to me...learning how to face friendships and whether I can follow through. I couldn't...but I am re-discovering me...the better person, who doesn't betray, lie, cheat and not show my true colours. Sorry to everyone, but thanks for your help.
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male
reader, Wild Thaing +, writes (23 July 2007):
 What I meant to say was, "... I don't have a great deal of sympathy for those who are perpetrating the deceit."
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male
reader, Wild Thaing +, writes (23 July 2007):
And obsessing about a man that has chosen his family over you helps your daughter... how?
When children are potential victims in deceit I don't have a great deal of sympathy. But I hope you do have a support system that you can lean on during your grieving process.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI do provide a very stable, happy and loving home. Some people who are married do not provide stable happy homes for themselves or their children. There children therefore suffer. I was in an abusive relationship with my ex for over a decade. I know what stable is and how to provide it. If you have nothing positive to answer, stop your lectures. You sound like a very bitter wife.
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male
reader, Wild Thaing +, writes (23 July 2007):
From your very own words: "Hi Kiera, I don't want another child. I have a 6 year old daughter..."
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHow do you know I have a daughter?
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male
reader, Wild Thaing +, writes (23 July 2007):
I'd be less concerned about this married man's unhappiness and more concerned about your unending desire to settle for sloppy seconds.
Why do you enable his deceit? How will you answer your daughter when she asks about this relationship?
If you believe that deceit is a respectful way to treat loved ones then I feel very sorry for your little girl. It is your job to ensure she has a loving and stable home. How does carrying on with a man you will never have provide this for your daughter?
When it comes to innocent kids I mince no words and make no apologies. Give your bloody head a shake and start taking care of your family!
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI would like to know why a married man would not leave his wife? Seems a strange and sweeping statement. I am not expecting him to leave his wife or his children. I just hate seeing him unhappy.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2007): i have been with a married man for 9 years and we have had a child together. but in your relationship, a married man never leaves his wife.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2007): Just be glad you have spent this time with him,let him go, don,t call him, don,t stalk him, keep yourself smart,do new things and enjoy your friends who you have neglected in the past.If it is meant to be he will come back to you. He will not if you pester him. Show complete indifference at this moment, trust me if his mind is off you it will not work. If a person broke your arm,would you go to him for help? I think not. Be brave like me, men like the chase not an easy catch. Be illusive and confident. YOU CAN DO IT YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOU THINK
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female
reader, Keria +, writes (9 May 2007):
I just read about "The Mistress" by Victoria Griffin over at Amazon. It looks like a good book. I think I'll order myself a copy.
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female
reader, Keria +, writes (9 May 2007):
To the anonymous writer who advised reading, "Til Death do us Part":
I just looked it up in Amazon, and this book is about people who kill their spouses. I am interested to know how this relates to having a mistress.
Please respond here, or write to me privately. Thanks.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi everyone, well one week over, most difficult emotionally. Its been really hard to deal with.
Feel relieved but incredibly lost, feel like I have no limb.
Thanks for your words of encouragement, keep me going. L
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2007): Dear Woman in trouble.I have been in your situation regarding, being in love with a married man. I just want to tell you something very important, please take my advice not fort granted, it is not full of moral imputs.Please check yourself out with a therapist of by your selve. Read and investigate the psycological traps we create for our selve and discover like me how we get into these kind of relationships and how destructive they are for us. For our soul. You mention you bought ware abuse when children, please, please go bought of you to look for help. Urgently!! I advice you to read the following book and if you can get in touch whit this doctor : Dr. Robi Ludwig (New York) read the book she wrote TILL DEATH DO US A PART. You will find there many insides on our psycological problems, whit will help you to know your selve better and your loveer, another book you shut read is The Mistress by Victoria Griffin (a mistress) Listen Dear love is a dificult issue, specially when we dont get it the way we want, wish. Try to look for help please and dont listen to too many people, look in your self for all the answers, then you will have peace with whatever decision you may take. Children are very important, if you love this guy please love also his family and his reality, stop comparing your selve with the wife. She is the wife and you are the mistress and this is just the reality. When you acept this you will note that life, your love, all you deserve will come and stay automatically, because you will be loving freely out of your choice and being really aware of how things really are. Listen to your self. And please, please acept your role. Forget about the wife, she has her own troubles with this guy. He really should go to a therapist to work out what is he really feeling so the wife is really right advising him to do this. Do the same dont be scared to lose him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2007): I think you have come to your senses and did the right thing for you and for him. It is not your responsibility to shore him up when he is feeling less than a man in his marriage.....You did not break any promises here. He is breaking one to his wife and kids by cheating, and you are not totally responsible for that one either....let him go, move on to find your own life and free yourself to find the love of your life who will be there for you always and by your side, not in stolen moments.
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reader, Royofthe Rovers +, writes (30 April 2007):
 I think you have made the brave and correct decision. I wish you all the best in your future.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi everyone, my last answer sounded pretty harsh and very cut and dry with how I finished it. To be honest I spent all weekend crying and feeling just exhausted and confused. He asked that I stick by him and give him a chance to sort himself out, not his marriage incidently. His first aim was to focus on getting himself more sorted out, getting healthier, fitter and then he said he might start working on his marriage. I then received communication from him on Sunday morning that he had a good day on Saturday with her and that he was going out for the day with her to go golfing or something. I wasn't sure what to say back to him. I had spent all of the weekend wondering how I was going to support him, and how miserable he must be and trying to relate how he must feel...after the text message I just felt incredibly let down, and feel he had no idea how that would have affected me. I texted him back saying I couldn't do what he wanted, waiting for him on his whim when it suited him. I asked to try and understand but that it wasn't fair to either him or I to expect anyone to just keep being the crutch and that we needed to be apart for both of us to face who and what we are. What do you think? I feel terrible I've broken a promise but really I don't think it is something I can do to manage someone else when I am finding it hard to cope with being the third person, I just can't do it anymore. I do feel relieved really that it isn't my responsibility to think of him anymore. Hopefully he can start talking to his wife instead...
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi everyone, Well it's over. I met with him for lunch and told him straight and then left. I didn't think I would feel relief, and that is how I've felt on the drive home, yesterday and today, just total relief. I told him not to contact me and he hasn't and neither have I. I just feel like a weight is off me and I can find myself again. I wished him luck and was civil but told him it was over. Thank you to everyone!
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female
reader, Keria +, writes (26 April 2007):
For the most part, you want it to be like other times you've had lunch together. Ask him how things are going, tell him you are glad to see him again. I think you need to tell him again that whatever decision he makes with his wife, you want to be there for him. He's confused right now, but if he get's pushed one way or the other, it will be towards her. He'll just end up going through the motions the rest of his life... pretending to be happy. He has to feel free to give his wife enough affection so that the presure on the home front is reduced. But believe, me, his real affection is for you.
You are right, leaving a spouse can be the best thing to happen to a person.. but it can also be a tragedy for others. He wants his kids to look up to him and remember that he was the dad who was there... the dad who didn't just see them every other weekend and a couple of weeks in the summer.
He is probably going through a lot of anxiety right now. He needs reasurance from you that you care about him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Keria, your support is very much appreciated. He does know I am special and I know he loves me, I don't question that. But you've hit the nail on the head, he would rather deal with his misery than actually do anything to change it. Leaving my ex-husband was a terrible decision to make and I had to deal with him begging on his knees etc and it was terrible to know I was effecting so many peoples' lives by my one decision. But I've never regretted it. I am meeting him for lunch today, my lover, I really don't know what to say to him? Advice?
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female
reader, Keria +, writes (26 April 2007):
I have a lot of respect for women like you. Like I said before, sometimes it is a woman like you who is able to hold a family together.
But you and I both know that he is not leaving his wife. Well, it's very very unlikely, anyway. Some men would rather stay miserable with the one they married then to be seen as the sort of person who walks away.
Whey does it have to change? He has been trying to make his marriage "work" recently, and you feel he is pushing you away. I think that is only going to be temporary, if you will still be there for him.
I would like to encourage you to stay strong. Don't put undo presure on him to leave her, because he's not going to. But he does need you. Next to his own kids, you are the most important person in his life. And no, I know it's not all about sex. It takes a special woman to be able to maintain this, and you sound like one who can. When time is done, and the secrets are all told, the world will find it was sustained by the woman's secret love.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear Anonymous of April 25th, It must have been really hard to write your answer to me. My parents were together from the age of 15 and were together until my Mum died in 2004, so over 40 years. I've seen a marriage work and see two people ultimately support and love each other no matter what the circumstances were.
My man is discouraged by marriage and says that almost to the date he got engaged to his wife, everything changed. how many kids they should have, when they were to have sex to conceive was all orchestrated by her. He says she is very special to him and he hopes that he can re-ignite the girl he once knew at 15. They are now in their late 30's and have 2 children together. She is clearly concerned about him as she keeps advising he goes to a clinic to figure out what is the missing link in his life. I can see she is very frightened to loose him, so when they argue she becomes like a saint for a few weeks. I don't know how she does it, she just becomes this very patient woman who would move mountains for him, but then they are arguing again because she says something very hurtful to him, or she gives him a look and it just ignites. For instance she lost the stone out of her engagement ring. He offered to buy her another one and her response to him was 'its just a ring'. He was very upset by that and has removed his wedding band. He has slept on the couch for almost 3 years to try and show her how unhappy he is. She only asks him to come to bed if he is being summoned. He feels like he is supply and demand. She told him she would be quite happy if she never had sex again, she thinks it is over-rated. But she summons him once a week because she has told him she thinks it is her duty. They seem to have a very poor level of communication, its all on the surface, whereas with me we talk it out, we don't argue, we do have disagreements but unlike her I don't let the situation go, we resolve any issues. I just don't know what to do? He has decided he wants some space because he tries to placate both of us, by hanging out with me, but telling her something else and he doesn't like the juggling act. He is barely talking to me since last Sat because he says he just wants to remove himself from everything, he isn't talking to her either and I am sure she doesn't have a clue what is going on and she must feel very pushed away by him, as do I. I value our friendship and our connection more very much. Meanwhile I am unsure whether to just cut my ties altogether with him now or sit and wait and hope, even though I know it is never going to happen. Even if I was to walk out of his life, I know he will be unhappy because I know he can't talk to her or share very personal details with her. He recently told her that he had gone to see the sex crimes unit at his local police station to report a paedophile who abused him when he was 8. Her first comment was 'well you know nothing will come of it, so why did you bother'. He went through hell making the decision to do that, being interviewed on camera and going into explicit detail to a total stranger, the detective. I was extremely upset when he told me what she had said because you could see what it had done to him. You wouldn't expect that lack of support even from a friend. It angered me very much and he was in tears when he told me about the ordeal. I had to give him a great deal of support and encouragement not to focus on her comment but that hopefully something would come of it and that justice would be served at some point. So you can see we are very good friends and yes soul-mates...I just want to start my life with him. I feel like the best years of my life are falling away from under me. I don't want to have any regrets, my Mum died when she was 57 and she was proud to have had 57 great years, even if she would have liked more. Not many people can feel ready or happy to have just had 57 years. It is important to me to have a full and happy life for me and my daughter. I am in such a mess with what to do? HELP!
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Kiera, I don't want another child. I have a 6 year old daughter and as much as she wants a sibling I do understand what it is to bring in another life...I am not able to do that. I am very careful that I am protected. Being a single-Mum I really can't afford to have another child anyway, and I don't want another child, even when I was married. I had terrible post-natal depression, a difficult birth and I don't want to jeopardize what I have with my daughter. We have a great relationship and we are very close. I also don't sit and pine away from him desperate that if I don't see or have sex with him it has blighted my week. I just love talking with him, hanging out, and yes being intimate with him but I don't sit and break my heart if I haven't seen or spoken to him that day. We have more of relationship one would find with a couple who are together. We talk about work, the kids (his and mine), our families, current affairs etc. We aren't behaving like some love-struck teenager. We do have real times together, we aren't jumping each other the second we see each other. I've been married before and it is not something I want again. I just want to live my life with the person who is my best friend. I have dealt with the times i can't talk to him, weekends are the hardest, but I've learnt to handle it rightly or wrongly, it is something I can handle. I just don't want to handle stuff anymore, I want love, happiness, real times together where we aren't watching the clock. I just want to start my life with the person who I love. I want to hang out with him, go on vacations with him, watch a movie, support each other...we pretty much have that, except that he has a whole other life. I am very comfortable with him as he is with me. He can come to mine after work and we can just talk for hours, or spoon on the couch and sleep. I just now want it as a full-time option because I have found who I want to share my life with. I don't want to find myself at 45 still doing the same thing. I do love him very much and I've told him how I feel but at the end of the day I do want a life too. Marriage or babies does not solidfy a partnership.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi there, Thanks to the last new posts. It was good to have a bit of support and understanding while I still understand what the others have said. Well it has turned out that my married lover has decided to take a break from me...while I feel incredibly abandoned I have to respect his decision to give him marriage a chance and find some happiness. I am miserable and very upset and feel incredibly hurt that I am the one to be kicked to the kerb! That sounds very selfish but he is not in a happy place and he doesn't want to upset me so has told me he just wants some space for awhile. I do feel like saying that I am more important have more self-preservation than to wait for him to sort out his life. I feel like I am just hanging around to be hurt further down the road...I am more hurt that he has let me down by not being my friend. I am trying to be understanding but what about me? What about the last three years? I guess I could have expected this. Advice please?
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female
reader, Keria +, writes (25 April 2007):
You know what, everyone is saying this is unhealthy. In some ways it is, but it doesn't have to be. Men throughout history have had mistresses, and women have had their men on the side.. although typically it's the men who get the worst wrap. Strange isn't it? At any rate, it is a common situation you are in, as old as the hills, and very natural. Hey, the late president of France had both his wife and mistress opening at his funeral. The western world of puritanical prudes has tried to glamorize and romantisize marriage. This guy has his reasons for going outside his marriage. Frankly, those reasons are nobody's business. Only his own. However, you are with him. The question for you, is do you mind this situation? Let me say, he will likely never ever leave his wife. No, not even when the kids grow up. Are you willing to put up with that? Face it there are advantages and disadvantages to you in this. You already know that. You miss him at times. He can get a hold of you probably whenever he wants, and you can't do the same with him. Sometimes you want him so badly when you can't have him that it breaks your heart. On the other hand, you are free to do as you please, come and go as you please. You can do what you want with the toilet seat. You can buy whatever you want without all the marriage conflict. Having a child will be very awkward for you. You need to weigh that out. Do you want to have a baby with him? That's very very dangerous.
So, in summary, I'm not going to tell you this is bad, or that you should feel ashamed of yourself, or that he is a bad man. You both have your reasons. But you do need to weigh out the consequences, and think about the future. You are in your early 30's. How do you imagine your future? Forget about him leaving his wife, because it's very unlikely to happen.
I hope this helps in a practical way.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2007): i have to think he won't leave and it really kills me to tell u that, cause while i wanted to write and tell u how it sounded to me, i also realized my own married man won't leave either... it is just heart wrenching i know, and alot of people are on the other side of this argument but .. i really do understand how hard it is to give it up.. i myself had an affair with this person while i was married to my first husband 21 years ago lets call him don well don and i lived together he left his wife i left my husband kids involved and it was a mess.. it pulled us apart physically after only 4 months but never emotionally..i still knew he was the only one for me and he likewise knew the same.. we continued seeing eachother him back with his wife.. i didn't go back to my husband.. but needed help financially .. there was a very nice man willing to take care of me and my kids .. i was only 22 so i married him and saw don up untill the day i married him. i thought of don at the alter i thought of don always .... moved away never saw him for 21 years now i'm back divorced and ran into him... he's married again wife #2 but from our first meeting together were right back where we ended 21 years ago.. i still know he's the only one for me and am crying writting this...i've loved him my entire adult life and can't imagine loosing him again.. weve been seeing eachother for 7 months and its more wonderful now than it was back then.. i know he loves me and wants to be with me and i believe that in writting it right now but the truth is he hasn't left her.. he's afraid i know but does that mean he doesn't love me enough..is he waiting for her to find out and make it easier on himself .. i don't know and i guess i can't know.. i know i can't stop no matter if he told me he would never leave.. i love only him and i rather have him part time than not at all as painful as it is... so i guess your guy has had 3 years to leave and hasn't my advise to you is ... if u can leave him leave.. but i totally understand if you can't ... some would certainly think i'm awful for my advise and they are entitled to thier opinions you don't have a committment to his wife .. he does and something has got to be wrong there for him to look to you...but his marriage is definatly his.. not yours... be happy
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2007): He will never leave his wife, and especially while he has you as his lover, since the benefits of leaving are lower than the costs, otherwise he'd have done it a long time ago; he can have the best of both worlds. Studies have shown that on average only 15% of married men leave their wives for their lovers, so the odds of him leaving are against you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you to everyone...you have certainly made me think in a whole other perspective.
It isn't going to happen over night I know. I know what I need to do, I have had great advice from you all. It is just going to take me a long hard time to walk away from someone who does make me happy even if I am not with him 100% of the time.
Give me time please...
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you RoyoftheRovers. I understand what everyone saying is right. I do love him and so does he me. We do get on and we can see ourselves together, he is worried however that if he takes up with me full-time, his children will resent him the rest of his life and that our relationship will change and we will end up like what he has with her now. Given this is all he has ever known I see his point. I was married until 3 years ago and to be honest my reluctant is pretty high to ever get married again. However, I haven't ruled out being with someone for the rest of your life whatever the circumstances you face. I know what I am doing is wrong, and so does he. We've tried breaking up several times in the last three years and it has proved impossible. We are miserable without each other. The other factor is that if he were to break up with his wife, there are the financial implications. I know how much a divorce costs financially and emotionally and it is really hard so I do see why. He has worked it out in his budget as to what would happen if he were to break up and he doesn't know how he would provide for his children or how his wife would be able to afford to continue living in the marital home. All lots of stuff besides the emotional consequences.
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male
reader, Royofthe Rovers +, writes (16 April 2007):
He has to make the choice to give his marriage 100% commitment or to choose you. If he chooses his marriage he must do whatever he can to make it work. This means cutting his relationship with you and seriously thinking about counselling to improve his relationship with his wife.
His kids need a secure family environment, which is important, so he cant stretch this out.
I believe in soul-mates. I believe I met my soul-mate and lost her which is the most painful thing I have to deal with to date. So I can understand your feelings and your reluctance to walk away. When you have the things in common with another it is feels like a life line and a once in a life time chance. You dont want to let go, no matter what. But you have to be prepared to do so, if you love him. That will hurt.
He has alot to think about and he cant afford to drag this on with so many peoples lives at stake. I really do hope things work out for the best, which ever direction that may be..x
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2007): Whether it makes sense or not, this is not really a healthy relationship for you because you only get crumbs of a man and crumbs of a relationship.....he is not available to you, and you have decided that his wife is the problem in his marriage and somehow justify the two of you's have the real relationship.....You are really just fooling yourself. Love is a decision and a commitment to love and be lovable, it is supposed to be mutual not unrequited on a part time basis and shared with another woman, unless you are a polygamist.
Sometimes we make choices in life, and part of being an adult is to make that choice right. You are a direct threat to his marriage and to his wife, you knew her before you got involved with him and you decided her man was what you wanted for yourself. Really, if it weren't for you, maybe this man would be happy with his wife and the family he has made with her...as it stands, he really does not have a chance to be a good Dad as the best thing for kids is to have parents who really love each other and a stable home. It is always the kids who pay for adult mistakes and it is really too bad when that happens.
You most likely will continue to hope that his wreck of a marriage will not be your fault, and that you are his best friend....if you were a best friend, if you really loved him you would let him go to make his own life with his family, and if he came back to you, then maybe that would be something else.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou are all right. I know the answers. However I do know his wife from before I became involved with him and I know and see when he has an argument with her and yes their marriage does effect their kids. She is desperate to just keep things going and never says anything to him when they are fighting. He was sexually abused as a child and so was I. Our relationship is not based on sex, we have communications about work, money, current affairs and can watch tv together without mauling each other. He lost his Dad 3 years ago and I lost my Mum at the same time, so we do have a connection as to how we deal with that. I have a child and his kids play with my daughter. We just get on really well and yes I do feel extremely guilty about jeopardizing their future. He is my best friend and I accept that is what we have together, does that make sense?
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2007): I don't believe in soul mates. What I believe is that the married man may have an unhappy marriage, and lots of responsibilities that come with it, and that affairs are all about fantasy life without the bills, the kids, and the drudgery of household chores.
If he were to leave he wife for you, your relationship has about a 1% chance of surviving one year because it began in infidelity...
If he wanted to leave his wife for you he would not hesitate to do so for his "soul mate", the kids are a convenient and common excuse from men who commit adultery.
He will always be his kids Dad and if he does not love their mother, then he would be better off divorcing.
The fact that you have chosen to be a direct threat to his family and marriage, will someday sink in his heart and mind, that is why this relationship, soulmates or not is not going to last. He is a cheater, and so are you.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2007): How do you know that he fights with his wife? Is it because he tells you? The answer for that is probably so. Plus with all these personal experiences that you share how do you know that he is not making them up to get close to you? And how do you know that he had an unhappy upbringing? You weren't actually there at the time. Plus is he really a great dad or is he saying that to impress you? If he really thinks that you are his soulmate then why hasn't he left his wife? You'll be thinking that the answer to that is because of the kids but really, that's probably just an excuse. You shouldn't be having an affair with this man, he's married. How would you feel if you were in his wife's shoes? Imagine that you are married with kids whilst your husband is having an affair. You wouldn't like it would you? So dump him, move on and find someone who isn't attached and isn't going to hurt people by being with you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2007): This is an excuse and he`s using his kids to defend himself,you dont have to live with your kids to be a great dad,a great dad is someone whom provides,talks,listens an has time for them,not someone whom lives with them,he aint never going to leave is wife as she`s the one whom cooks,cleans,provides ect for him,i know loads of people in your situation an thats how it will always be,so its up to you what you want to do about it.
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reader, Royofthe Rovers +, writes (15 April 2007):
You have made things difficult for yourself by starting a relationship with a married man. This in reality could of never of been expected to work out the way you wanted.
The thing is he cant have it both ways. He needs to decide what he wants. Does he want his wife and kids OR does he want to risk all of that for you?
He can be great Dad by choosing either, but he needs to decide as soon as possible.
Staying married because of the kids is not a healthy situation because the kids will pick up on this as they get older and they need a stable family environment to be able to grow in.
He either needs to change his life and start things with you or stop seeing you and be stuck with the fact that he is living in a unhappy relationship with his wife and make the most of his kids.
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