A
female
age
36-40,
*azed & Confused
writes:Telling a friend you don't like him the way he likes you is tough. Most of my guy friends have confessed to me that they like me, but I haven't felt the same way about any of them. Some of them have been cool afterwards, but they seem awkward they still seem a bit awkward. But some of them don't even speak to me anymore. They tell me that I'm a huge flirt and that I confuse them. They all know me and know that that's my personality. I've even told them how others mistake my actions as well, I tell them as a way of saying, "I hope you don't make the same mistake!". Should I just change the way that I am? This has happened with pretty much all of my guy friends!!What's wrong with me? What are the types of things I shouldn't be doing?
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female
reader, Dazed & Confused +, writes (16 April 2007):
Dazed & Confused is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all the help. Trying to look at myself from the outside is probably the best advice. If I were looking at myself, I know I wouldn't like any of it. I also think that the self-esteem issue is something I should be loooking at.
THANKS!!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2007): Not knowing exactly what you are doing makes it tough to advise you, that said, if this keeps happening to you, I think you are coming on way too strong, acting the big party girl, funny flirt, and giving men the wrong idea about how you feel about them.....and I think it is more intentional than you are admitting. I have known a young man that was just like this. He would single out a girl among a group and really pursue her with attention and jokes until she finally showed an interest and then he would act as if she was crazy for thinking that he liked her in a romantic way, and he would really back off then.
I think he suffers from self esteemn issues, he was engaged and dumped after a six year relationship, and is physically short for a man, has a cute face and a funny personality but he really ruins it with his insincerity. He takes his flirting too far and embarasses the object of his affection, and gives sexual inuendos hoping for a rush of ego driven exihiliration to an otherwise boring life.
If this is the kind of flirt you are, it isn't nice and it does make people mistrust you and eventually dislike you for leading them on, making them play the fool, and hurting their feelings.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2007): Dazed, it is a common problem, and it is the same with guys, sometimes. I have often had to hurt some feelings of gals that were under the wrong impression about my just trying to be a friend. Don't take the comments about your "being a flirt' seriously, except maybe to be a little more reserved in your actions, body language, joking,..whatever. Some may read into these things much more than is there. It may not be your fault, but you need to be aware. I don't know why male/female relations are so complicated, but we seem to be stuck with it. It was probably less complicated in the old days when things were handled by "go betweens" and "matchmakers", etc. But now we are all pretty much on our own, with all the possible confusion, embarrassments, and hurt feelings. Why is Cupid depicted with a bow and arrow? Because, frankly, it hurts.
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A
female
reader, lostinlife +, writes (15 April 2007):
Maybe you are sending them mixed signals. Some self-examing would be a good thing to possibly do ask them what in particularly are you doing to give them impression you are intrested in them. However I don't think you should change your personality just be more cautious of body language or what you are saying. Be happy and enjoy life.
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A
female
reader, Midge  +, writes (15 April 2007):
 Its difficult when its just the way you are, but at the same time, if you are sending mixed signals to people, you may one day send the wrong signal to the wrong person and land up in a whole bunch of trouble.
Its not so much changing the way you are, but perhaps toning down how you behave with people. It may be that you are perhaps a very affectionate type of person, but you are perhaps showing that affection in the "wrong way". It may be that you put your hand on your friends leg in a very friendly way, but what they may be perceiving it as, is "Yes honey, I want you".
My sister is exactly the same and she landed up in a whole bunch of trouble by being friendly with the wrong person. He didnt take it too kind when she said, I dont like you the same way you like me. But she toned down her affectionate ways, and it was much better for her afterwards.
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A
female
reader, Pork Hock  +, writes (15 April 2007):
And by the way, they aren't being the real deal if they don't understand why you aren't going with these guys. Hate to say it but confident, gragerous girls are seen as too confident and easy to bed even if you are being yourself...a nice guy would hate to take a girl home because she'd been flirting with him, or it was expected by his mates, sometimes meeting a guy who is a bit unexperienced is good, you know he will like you for who you are, might be a bit shy, a bit unexperienced in bed, but better than a fuck.
Just keep yourself back, don't push, question why they are hitting on you, try to see a pattern - are they pissed? In the company of someone else to maybe show off or are they just carried away by you? Hold back...if they are interested they will make an effort but don't put your soul on the line. It's you and no one should touch who you are until you know what you want in your life.
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A
female
reader, Pork Hock +, writes (15 April 2007):
Hey, I've done the same, been flirty, told great jokes, worn great stuff to get the guys going...however, believe me I've taken it too far and be called a thick blonde, been seen as having bits - no face/no brain, all I can say is act how you want to be treated because believe me acting the star of the show makes you enemies with the women, men see you as a walking pair of tits...you can still be a outgoing person without pushing the envelope. The best advice I can give you is how would you see the girl doing what your doing or put yourself in the mind of a man?...All my men friends wanted to fuck me and I got fed up of being seen as something that was easy, make them see what a great person you are, even if it means you have to go home alone...it's worth it...seriously.
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