A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Ive just found out that my friend is having a affair with a single guy. She says that they have no love in the marriage and he provides litle support when she needs it. She doesnt want to separate since this would be her second divorce. In addition, they rarely have sex. She has mentioned all this to the guy she is having the affair with. She said that he is getting frustrated with the situation but cliams to love him and doesnt want to lose him. I am not to sure what advice I can give but to to say if she is that unhappy and has tried evrything to resolve the problems is to separate. Any advice???
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male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (23 August 2010):
Good point from Spiderweb - don't act as an alibi and get drawn into this mess.
A
female
reader, spiderweb  +, writes (23 August 2010):
 You may be concerned about your friend, but quite honestly, although you can advise her, she will only hear (and do) what she wants. Useless to encourage her to give up the other guy - she's already hooked on the experience. I've noticed that both married women and married men having affairs, suddenly proclaim that their marriages are unhappy and complain that their spouses don't have sex with them. In fact, usually it is BECAUSE they're having an affair and are preoccupied or plain nasty to their spouses, that their marriages become unhappy and sex goes out of the window too. My advice is to be there for her, refuse to act as an alibi, refuse to be dragged into her affair in any way, be as supportive as possible, but don't get involved in any way cause you'll end up being the baddie and her husband will hate you if he thinks you encouraged her or acted as her alibi.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (23 August 2010):
I'm sad to say that your friend appears to have serious problems. One marriage has already gone wrong, and the second is already going wrong as well. The advice you can offer is this. Either she goes home and works on her marriage and stops the affair, or she leaves. That's the only advice there is. This other guy won't hang around, and if she's unhappy then she needs to end it. She comes across as a woman who has commitment issues, so maybe tell her to be alone and work on herself and her own life. She may not like it, but if she gets found out, she will have a reputation as a cheat and everyone will say she is at fault.
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A
male
reader, TimmD  +, writes (23 August 2010):
 I think her record is speaking for itself here. She's had 2 failed marriages so far. The only reason she doesn't want to admit this one is failed is because it would "look" bad. But the fact remains, there's something wrong with her. Either she's doing something wrong, or she keeps picking the wrong guys... it isn't working. And having an affair is 100% the wrong way to deal with it.
Unfortunately this puts you in a difficult position. You're a friend so you want to do what is best for her, but at the same time you want to help her. The truth is, she needs to end her affair and be honest with her husband. Does she want love for her husband or is she just using that as an excuse to justify having the affair? However, if you tell her all of this and don't take her side, will she be mad at you?
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