A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have deep feelings for a man who has been married for 20 years. I have been with him for almost 2 years.It happened because I suppose we met at the right place and the right time and we had this undeniable connection... right from the very start. At first it was physical, especially for him, but for me it was emotional from the get go. The fact I connected with him on an emotional level is what sparked the physical attraction for me. It was opposite for him. It was never something either of us sought out. But it happened nonetheless. One thing led to another after we went out for lunch together one day. I equate it to two people wanting to drink who found each other. One is carrying two wine glasses while the other is carrying the bottle of wine.Clearly there must have been a disconnect between him and his wife for him to seek out a relationship with me outside his marriage. I am not so sure he could really love her if he is involved with me this way and for so long. And we have been together a long time. It cannot just be a fling or a physical thing or it would probably have been over by now.It has become more involved over time and a comfort zone and close friendship has now also developed. As you are this intimate with someone the relationship is bound to progress. The problem is he doesn't want it to progress. At the two year mark, most typical relationships have become serious. Ours is unique in that it has to be stopped from progressing which is very difficult when you are with the same person for all this time. So it is a continuous cycle of 2 steps forward and three steps back. He has told me all along that he wants to keep it physical because he cannot leave his wife. But he has admitted to having feelings for me even though he did not plan to or want to. And I know through his actions not his words that he does care about me. He is afraid. He has built a life with her and having been with her for so long he is afraid that everything he knows or has worked for will come crashing down for a girl who would be more of a risk to him as I have not known him as long as his wife and I have not been with him as long. His wife is a sure thing. I am a sparkly novelty still. They have a shared history and although he and I have a history now too, it is not a 20-year history.He was going to leave her for me a year ago and got cold feet. He and I are a match on every level. And if he had not been married, I know he and I would have been together officially. He has said so himself too. He keeps feeling torn. Some weeks he seems so close to me, like over Christmas. We spent lots of time together because she was away visiting her family and he couldn't get the time off. I can't describe what happened between us but we got closer than we have ever been. He opened up to me. Told me he could not live without me and he is not a mushy, expressive type guy usually. Although he can be romantic if he tries. Then after the holidays, he pulled a cooler demeanour on me all of a sudden. Not devastating because we were still very intimate. But a change from before. Just seems he was trying to regain control in some way of his feelings. I asked him what was going on and why he was cooler since last week. He said well maybe he was putting on an act over Christmas or maybe it's an act now. He just puts up smoke screens. We were together and everything went great but you can see he shifted gears again. The sex and connection were over the top like always. In fact, it seems crazy but the sex is better now than it ever has been. Largely due to my high interest in it and my willingness to keep it exciting. He said that once I lose (sexual) interest, the relationship will likely die. And that as long as I am happy, he is happy. But I can see he changed his manner. I am familiar with the changes as I have seen them so many times before. Up and down. Hot and cold. And so the merry-go-round ride continues.I was mad at him for not returning a text. Granted the text did not really need an answer but one would have been nice. It just bothered me because I sent him a "thinking of you" type text and he did not respond. And I sent it after our getting closer than ever and I just wanted him to know how I was feeling. I thought he would send one back as he was feeling closer to me too. But nothing.So last time I saw him I called him out on it. He said he tries not to text too much. He is being careful because he does not want her to find out. It is not because he does not care or anything like that. Usually he does respond or if he doesn't I am not bothered too much because I know how he is. But this last no response bothered me a lot. Maybe because of this special closeness over the holidays, and it felt almost like a breakthrough. Like our relationship had progressed... crossed that line. Know what I mean?I was so mad I told him I was not sure I could be with someone who does not have the time or care enough to respond to a text. So he got defensive. Pretended he was going to leave but didn't and ultimately couldn't. On one hand he tells me he wants to be with me more than anything and on the other hand he says he doesn't. He is torn. Because he is married. And takes it out on me. He said he should have left that day. If he wanted to leave, he could have left but he did not. It is almost as if he is trying to punish me... making me think he would leave... to keep me in line... to behave appropriately according to what HE wants. I guess I did the same. Telling him I would leave because I want him to be more expressive and wanting more from him. He often gets carried away in the moment. Countless times. Over and over again. He has led me down this path absolutely and with intent and pulls out all the stops to keep me. Then he gets scared and takes it all away. Then he comes back again.It is unfair because sometimes he lets go and gives me the intimacy and closeness I am wanting from him. And then he pulls it away. Gets scared. Says he does not want to have these feelings because he is a married man.I told him I care for him a lot and he feels guilty about that. He does not want that weight on his shoulders. I told him it is too late. I would be broken hearted if he left me right now. So too late for that as I am too involved. I find that when I tell him how much I care is when he starts to have cold feet and starts to talk about feeling torn. Or if I pressure him for feelings on his part. All that stuff. I guess we women feel it is a relationship after 2 whole years. And it is in many ways. I have invested a lot into it. He probably knows this and understands this. But he cannot give it to me. I find sometimes this causes friction in our relationship. You see, sometimes I sense a vulnerability in him and go for the jugular so to speak. I get aggressive and try to open up and show him I care, trying to make him feel safe. I guess I am trying so hard to win him over, make him come to me. Choose me. Sometimes I think it is what he wants and just needs a push. So I put myself out there. Try to make him feel safe. Tell him how I feel, thinking maybe he will do the same. But them he gets away on me again.If I do not pressure or just go with the flow, things are fine. But when I start to show my feelings, he gets scared. In fact, he has said a couple of times he is scared of me. Scared? Why scared? Such a strong word when all I do is make him happy. He has said over and over how happy I make him and how good I make him feel. And that nobody treats him the way I do or knows how. Scared cause he sees me as having the potential to turn his world upside down? And pulls away to stop this from happening?It is hard to deal with his closeness and then distance. Almost as if I am being punished for loving him. It is a tough spot because he seems not to like it if I am too distant or try to keep my feelings in check. But then he doesn't like it if I get too close or care too much. If I pull away, he starts to chase me again. But if I am too close, he pulls away from me. I just cannot win either way.On one hand he is telling me this is not the right relationship for me. But then he says I will never find anyone like him. I will never find anyone who can satisfy me like him. Then he says to me, "You think this too, right? That you won't be able to find anybody else who is as good as me?" And then he says the connection we have is not something we will find with anyone else. Our chemistry is unrepeatable. So on one hand, he isn't right for me supposedly in his words and on the other hand, I will never find anybody as good as him and that our chemistry is unrepeatable with anyone else. So, I had better stick with him. And he has been jealous and would be angry if I wanted another man instead of him.I put myself through this because of my feelings for him. I am too invested. If I walked away, I would miss him for the rest of my life. I do not want to live without him in my life. He brings me happiness for the most part. I just wish we could be free to express our feelings. It is hard when you are in a relationship without a safety net, where you do not always feel safe or secure. I give it all to him. Maybe I am thinking I will change him. Save him. But I am not so sure.I just needed to vent and thank you for reading this. There is nobody for me to talk to as "the other woman." I would be vilified, looked down on, hated. Nobody sees the human beings behind the situation and are quick to judge.It is weird because I feel so on top of the world in this relationship on most days and on others I feel like it is the end of the world. Such harsh extremes.Thank you for listening.Your thoughts are welcome.:)
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (7 January 2015):
 You need to get out of the victim role you've chosen for yourself. Most of your original question is written in the passive tense;
*It happened because I suppose we met at the right place and the right time
*It was never something either of us sought out. But it happened nonetheless. One thing led to another after we went out for lunch together one day.
etc
You chose to engage in this relationship. Out of grief? Perhaps.
Let's take a look at this as though you have a medical problem.
Say you have cancer. You didn't want it, you didn't choose it, but it happened. What do you do? Do you decide that there's nothing you can do because you are just caught up in the swell of events?
Most people do not decide that.
They decide to excise the cancer, either through surgery or chemo or radiation or any combination of those....
He's a cancer. You have the option to make healthy choices, uncomfortable as those might be.
Get into counseling ASAP. Which state are you in? I could probably find you some links that could help.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2015): Just reading though since I posted, and you state "I am not sure if any of you have ever been in a similar position" YES there are people who have been in the same situation and have posted but you clearly haven't read to make that statement. As soon as I found out he was married I left despite loving him and feeling the most important person his life. He stepped it up when I went and when I found someone else he went mad and tried it all. You state since you have told him this isn't working for you he steps it up of course he will his sex maybe drying up. It seems since he now hot then their is a heightened chance he will leave. HE WONT LEAVE HER FOR YOU. I agree with other posters and in your recent post you state " I guess because I do not feel ready to go through this loss in my life right at this moment. I am not sure I could handle it RIGHT NOW". No time is good to break your own heart, but tell that reason to his heartbroken wife as to why you wont leave her husband to try to repair whats missing in their marriage. Reading your last post it seems you have no desire to leave the situation despite all the advice people have given you. I am sorry you were widowed and all the hurt you have experienced, but to make your self feel wanted, you play with another woman's husband. I am not sure why you posted as you don't seem to want to leave did you think we were going to say poor you? NO chance your the kind of woman that wives and partners dread our men coming into contact with.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2015): Thank you everyone. It's the OP. You have opened up my eyes. Thank you for caring enough to respond to my plight.Thank you Tisha.I agree that therapy would be a good thing for me. I will be looking into this avenue of support.I think you might have hit the nail on the head. I am mourning my husband - even now. I suspect I will mourn him in some way for the rest of my life. And I am finding it hard to let this one go because of the pain it caused having to let go of my husband whom I loved with all my heart. I may somehow, subconsciously not want to relive that pain. So I am holding on to this man for as long as I can. To delay the inevitable. I guess because I do not feel ready to go through this loss in my life right at this moment. I am not sure I could handle it RIGHT NOW.I suppose I was trying to replace that affection and closeness by seeking out this man. He has made me feel whole and happy again. Loved. Wanted. Most importantly NOT ALONE. Paradoxically, I have never felt more alone, unhappy and broken. And even though there have been some very tough days where I have cried myself to sleep at night, I pulled myself through and convinced myself that the good has outweighed the bad.In the beginning, it was easier because I was consumed by the fantasy. And even though one could say I still am, I am now more aware of reality than ever before. From what I have read about affairs, there is a "fantasy fog" that envelops those involved and eventually this does begin to dissipate once real life problems enter the relationship. This is no different than any other relationship. The honeymoon phase wears off at some point. With affairs the "in love" feeling is prolonged by the very nature of the illicitness of the affair and in fact rarely does dissipate as long as it remains an affair or escape. So, IF (I realize it's an impossible IF) he and I ever did become official, I would probably lose interest in him as the relationship would become "work" and no longer an escape. One poster did allude to this.I also believe that if it did not happen with this man, it would have happened with someone else who had crossed my path. But as fate has it, it was this man.But it is only an ill fated, temporary bliss. Bound to fail. Even though there was hope against hope from the moment it blossomed. Until now.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (7 January 2015):
 In one of your re-submittals you wrote: "....It is just so hard."
No, it's not. You know what's hard? Recall, a year or so ago there was a man who was repairing his oil burner, and it tipped over, trapping his arm? He couldn't lift the burner.... and there was no one around to hear him if he yelled for help. The only way he would be able to save his own life, would be for him to use his pocket knife to SEVER HIS ARM (cut it off at the elbow)!!!! He did so... and survived because of that.
THAT is "hard"..... Your situation - and its solution - are "easy"......
My continued hopes and prayers that you will come to your senses.... Good luck...
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (7 January 2015):
 i could text you a zillion times in a day... doesn't mean jack honey.
his texts are just his way to keep you on his string.
I did the hardest thing tonight in my life. I "forced" my husband to go to detox and rehab. ONLY his ACTIONS tell me he's serious... as my mother used to say "sorry doesn't feed the bulldog" so words mean jack squat NOTHING.
TEXT is WORDS and WORDS mean NOTHING!
ONLY ever listen to what a man DOES not what he says....
Right now my husband shoots daggers at me and can't manage to even tell me he loves me. BUT his willingness to go do something he does not want to do that is so hard says so much about what is most important in his life. ME.
Do you feel important in this man's life? does he sit up with you when you are sick? does he take you to the doctor? NO?
all you are are an upaid penis holder to this guy.
if after 6 months he didn't leave his wife, he's not going to. for all you know she is fully aware of you and allows him this fun and games.
YOU don't have a shot in hell of winning this. Staying will only hurt you in the long run.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2015): 'I actually told him for the first time out loud that this was not a good situation for me. I have never ever done that before. I would always be the one telling him how we should be together and how happy I am.'
OP, you seem to think words mean everything. I am CERTAIN he has always known that this is not a good deal for you. It was, is and always will be. While your words are now saying one thing, your ACTIONS are saying 'it's not a good deal but it's enough'
Until you leave OP, nothing has changed. It doesn't take 5 minutes to send a few texts. And texting is easy- you don't even have to mean it. If this is all it takes to win you over then I'm not sure how anyone can help you.
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A
female
reader, Sincerely Yours +, writes (7 January 2015):
 I've never seen more selfish posts than ones from the mistress, wronging another woman but concerned for her own feelings. You should have walked away in the very beginning to find a connection with a single man. It's not too late for you. For him and his wife it is too late. Among living wills, retirement plans, shared assets, illness, and a long life shared with his wife, he will not and can not leave at this point. It's too much of a mess. Nobody wants to go through court and divorce at the tail end of life. Do you really want his poor wife to be left alone and broken hearted at her age? She has little chance of finding a new partner to see her to the end. God forbid this happen to one of your daughters, or you later in life. Surely you will wisen soon. You are not the victim in this situation. You have a chance to walk away now and find someone else to settle down with. I am very sorry for the loss of your husband. I hope you find someone loyal and honest.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (7 January 2015):
He's texted? That's not much effort. A few typed words in the phone. Big deal. He's a loser, I'm sorry.
If he wanted to be with you beyond whatever it is you ahve, he'd have taken concrete action to get a divorce.
You say he's older.
So he probably has a lot to lose financially in divorcing his wife.
Go get some counseling. You've been widowed for some years so presumably you know how to cope with loss.
Or perhaps you don't know how to deal with it and have found this dysfunctional and unhealthy way to mourn a dead husband?
You most definitely need to seek some counseling. You are making very poor choices and causing yourself unnecessary mental anguish.
Stop making poor choices and start making healthy ones. If you can't tell the difference, seek professional help starting tomorrow.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2015): Hi everyone. It is the OP again.To Tisha. No I am not married. I have been widowed for several years and I have two daughters. :)And yes, I would like to find the courage to take your advice. I actually told him for the first time out loud that this was not a good situation for me. I have never ever done that before. I would always be the one telling him how we should be together and how happy I am. All of that. I have always been the cheer leader for the relationship.This is the first time I have been this blunt to his face and he honestly had no words for this and stared at me for a long time. He was probably shocked I had the guts to say something like that.So, interestingly enough, he has texted me several times today to tell me he misses me and all that. Stepped it up.Funny isn't it? After I show the first sign of perhaps leaving him that he suddenly starts to show more affection.Hot again.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (7 January 2015):
 I like Honeypie really hate to read these kind of posts. I have been on DC over 7 years now and its always the same old story, and it never ends well for the O/W or O/M. You seem like a smart lady, but sweetheart..you aren't being smart. You have romanticized an affair into something magical and wonderful and "Oh I can't live withouth him" kind of drama but the truth is..he is lying, he is cheating and so are you. Most of all, you are lying to yourself.
He plays his little game and you fall in line every time. Do you think so little of yourself that you don't feel you deserve a man who is free? Who can be with you any time? Can text you anytime??
I had a very close friend who went through something similar to this. She wasted 7 years of her life on a married man, old enough to be her father.He had children older than us!! She fell head over heels in love with him. She was smart, pretty and could have had any man, yet she sat alone night after night waiting for when he could sneak away to see her. No holidays, no overnights, because he was married. The whole town knew about the affair, including his wife. She just looked the other way because she knew her husband would never leave her. And then my friend got pregnant...she was 25. She wanted a baby desperately but of course she couldn't have it. He gave her the money for an abortion. She went through with it. Sad frightened and of course he was no comfort to her. She kept on seeing him anyways. I couldn't get through to her. FINALLY...7 years later she got up the courage to end things. 7 years of her life wasted on a old fat man who only wanted her as eye candy.
Don't do that to yourself!!!! You know this is wrong and it isn't going to end well for you. Walk away before your life passes you by. You're already in your mid 30's honey...biological clock ticking...don't waste precious time with a man who can never give you what you deserve.
I hope you will listen to all the aunts/uncles on here. We've seen it all before and trust me, you won't win. Please think enough of yourself and your future to end things.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (7 January 2015):
"It is unfair because sometimes he lets go and gives me the intimacy and closeness I am wanting from him. And then he pulls it away. Gets scared. Says he does not want to have these feelings because he is a married man."
Of course it's unfair. Life is unfair. Children learn that lesson early on.
He's a married man having sex with a mistress. It's gone on long enough that you should have clued in that he's not leaving her.
You're the one on the side and apparently spend enough time rationalizing it that he doesn't have to. He just carries on and you do all the emoting. He does the sex and you enjoy it in the moment but then spend hours agonizing over the situation.
Are you married? Do you have children?
My guess is yes to both of those.
Why are you here? Will you take advice or is this just a vent thing?
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (7 January 2015):
Here are some of the questions from the woman who is in the same situation that you are in:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/married-man-dumped-me-and-i-am-feeling.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-have-fallen-in-love-with-my-mistress.html (this one is supposedly from the man but clearly was from the woman in question)
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (7 January 2015):
"Clearly there must have been a disconnect between him and his wife for him to seek out a relationship with me outside his marriage"
Um, no. He just wanted some extra sex and you provided it.
"If I walked away, I would miss him for the rest of my life. I do not want to live without him in my life."
Are you suicidal?
I've lost people close to me. You're at an age that suggests that you've lost people to death or other factors, no one lives forever. It would be a great pity to hang on to a man who is basically a cheat and will never leave his wife. You are on that path if you've been sleeping with another woman's husband for 2 years.
How do you handle this?
You say goodbye to the toxic relationship.
You cope. You mourn. You deal with it.
I have seen posts from a woman who sounds very similar to you. She seems to have a problem letting go of seeing the married man. Advice to her has centered around getting her into therapy. I think you might benefit from that too.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2015): He wasn't seeking a relationship, he was seeking sex. He even told you that the relationship will die when you stop wanting sex with him, he can't really be any clearer. Of course he likes you somewhat because he likes to have sex with you but please don't confuse this with legitimate adoration or a true bond that is not just sexual as you will be deluding yourself. As someone else said if he was going to leave he would have done so already.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2015): I think you should tell his wife the truth and see if he leaves her then or he leaves you after getting caught. You will get all your answers and possibly a new life too.
the wife will be happier eventually in any case coz she will either get the truth and freedom she deserves or that man may reform and choose to mend his ways.
In every way you are and you will be the loser!!
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (6 January 2015):
if you stay you will end up like my aunt. she was some man's little something on the side foe 25 years.
when he died his wife mourned and was publicly comforted.
my aunt mourned alone and never recovered her life.
consider that he is not ever leaving her and you will always be his dirty little goddess on her knees and nothing more.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2015): It is the OP.
All very sound advice and I don't disagree with anyone.
Thank you all for your comments and not being too judgmental. :)
I am not sure if any of you have ever been in a similar position. I am not going to try to justify what I am doing. I won't. No sense. I know it is wrong. But if you have been in this position you will know first hand that being involved in an affair is an addiction and it is so very hard to remove yourself when this addiction has been your only happy place; meeting needs that have gone unmet for a long time. I guess being with him was better than being alone or having to start over. I know I am missing something in myself and trying to fill this empty void with this man's attention, be it fantasy or unreal or short lived. I know the deal. I just have preferred to live in the fantasy world. Real life is not easy. So I just let it all slide and have been living in the moment.
I admit that like any addict the first step is admitting you have a problem and I do.
He does make me feel beautiful and special and does treat me well. Even if it is all an act just for sex. I suppose he also satisfies my ego. Because I am leading this older man along and make him do almost anything I want... even cheat on his wife... because he is totally taken and infatuated by me. Because I am very attractive and younger and charming etc. He has a lot of fun with me and enjoys my company too. I feel almost powerful and alluring by being able to seduce him this way and continuing to do so. It feels as if I am magic and it is a rush to know I can still excite him after all this time. To make him feel like a MAN. I know he has an emptiness deep within him too. And I make him feel special. Which he needs as well. I guess we both need to make each other feel special and seek it out in each other. His only concern is that I feel pleasure and is not concerned about his own. Always been this way.
I need healthier outlets for my emptiness and unfulfilled life. Healthier escapes or outlets. This one is only going to lead me to destruction and heart break. It feels good right now but someday that joy will turn to sorrow and pain. It does not matter which way it ends but it will end and it will end with me being destroyed. I see that in my future. I am sad by that because I am deep down a good person. Honest. I am not a bad person at all. I am giving him permission to break my heart. He knows this and does not want this power. Trust me. But for some reason, he cannot leave me either, even though he knows it is best for me. He tried to leave me once a year ago and came back to me after a week and I took him back. I do believe that despite the primary sexual nature of our relationship, there are feelings involved. Maybe more on my end but I do believe he has some feelings.
It is just so hard. I am a very feeling person. Always been a dreamer. So things just hit me harder and I always see the story book version of things. I know many people can just cut to the chase and walk away but I find it all so hard to do. I suppose it is because there is a lot of pain in my life that I do not want to get into. But if this man is gone, then all that pain is all I will be facing and all I will have. :(
I so wanted the happy ending. Crazy, huh?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2015): How can such an intelligent articulate lady be so glaringly deluded. You really are all these things in the nicest possible way.
8
One day you will look back at this post and wonder how you could be so blind that you could not see the fantasy world you have created for yourself....alone.
This man is voting with his feet.
In the meantime he has his cake and eats it while you are allocated the crumbs.
Wake up! Set yourself free!!!!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (6 January 2015):
 I really really hate these kind of posts.
Not because I'm a WIFE, but because, you are clearly a smart woman, but at the same time your ACTION doesn't match your obvious smart.
ANY time we have these OM/OW "woe is me" posts, it's like you SEEM to have forgotten that you WALKED into this "relationship" knowing FULL well that he IS married to someone else and has been for 20 years. That getting "your" happy ending is a VERY uncommon thing.
I don't vilify OM/OW. I feel sorry for them. Because YOU, my dear, is the one SETTLING for someone else's LEFTOVERS. YOU don't GET a whole man or his time. YOU don't GET him for the holidays, you don't get to have REAL anniversaries, go on holiday, spend time with the joint family and circle of friends. NO, you are some dirty secret. He doesn't even want to TEXT you too much, so he doesn't ROCK the boat with the wife.... One thing I DO "vilify" about OM/OW is their LACK of morals and common sense. For whatever reason "they" seem to think that they aren't doing anything wrong. In this day and age there IS no reason to cheat. IF you aren't HAPPY with the one you settled down with, END it and walk away. SHE/HE will be fine. They too can find someone else.
The "villain" if you WANT one, is the married man. YES, his marriage MIGHT be a bit "stale" after 20 years, but HAVE no doubt. HE loves her. He is going to LENGTHS to HIDE he sordid affair with you (and you) so SHE won't be hurt. HE doesn't do that without LOVE being part of the equation.
You say your relationship is unique. It's not though. We see it played out ALL the time here on DC.
He goes hot and cold. That is lust and guilt. Lust because of the "newness" with you, the fact that you can't see anything WRONG with his (or your own) actions, and THAT is a great ego rub. And guilt because he knows better, but is letting his "little head" make choices.
You said he was JUST looking for SEX in the beginning. He still is. IF you walked away now, HE would eventually find someone else willing to settle for being his "mistress". There are plenty of women (and men) out there willing to stoop to that. Maybe because that is ALL they think they CAN get, or deserve.
IF this man loved you as much as you IMAGINE he does, he WOULD consider leaving his wife. Not JUST for you sake, but for his own. And if he DIDN'T love his wife, even with 20 years together, it wouldn't be impossible. YES, she would undoubtedly get a portion of his/her shared assets - but it would be a decent PRICE to pay to not have to live with woman he no longer loves and to be with one he does. But.. that is fiction.
FACTS are, he is CONTENT with status quo. He gets to play husband, (father?), friend, co-worker - to OWN a pretty cake (his wife/marriage) and then.... he GETS to EAT another cake without having to RUIN the pretty one (marriage).
You are only fooling yourself.
And IF you are a smart woman, you will OWN you own actions and part in this mess. Yes, it may not FEEL like a mess to you, but trust me, if push came to shove... Oh, what a mess.
Don't you WANT more for yourself? Not from this guy, but in life? You describe him as old and fat (but good at sex) who is 20 years older than you - SINCE when is that SUCH a prize? You have already WASTED 2 years of your life with this guy. Want to waste more? Because, HE will NOT leave her. IF she finds out, YOU two are not going to HAVE a happy ending. Because? He will RESENT you for "ruining" the good thing he had going, he will blame you for the loss of assets that the wife gets, and he will resent YOU for not being her. YOU on the other hand won't be able to trust him any further then you can toss him. Him being old and fat.. well, how far is that? And trust me, he will be a TOTALLY different guy if you HAD to live with him full time. You would no longer see him as this great catch.. and the great sex? Yes, it would go away over time too. And they YOU would feel you HAD to stick it out with this old/fat guy because YOU were part of the breakup of his marriage.
I feel sorry for you, that you don't think you are worth more then being some old fart's dirty secret.
And instead of blaming HIM for this mess, OWN up to your part. You are a GROWN woman who SHOULD have known better. Wine and glasses, my ass. If he had been single, you had been single then MAYBE that analogy would have worked.
Wake up and smell reality.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2015): My dear, you just mentioned that he is married for 20 years, and that he have his fears of letting go of his wife of 20 years, you are 100% correct.
"Your affair is too good to be true and I can say for a married man to leave his wife the chances are 10% especially when married jointly their wealth.
All I can think off , is that he does not have a courage to call off this relationship, he want you to figure it out yourself, he was just enjoying all the sex pleasures and all the styles that he could not do with his wife,
Two years is long to be waisted on this maried man, at the same time your boyftriend is not happy on his marriage, that is why he took a chance with you.
Good luck and do not do same mistake again, just an advice not judging you.
Do yourself a favor just forget about him, even when he comes back with excuses do not take him back because he is not giving you reasons as to why is he behaving like this!
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (6 January 2015):
When you wrote this: "Clearly there must have been a disconnect between him and his wife for him to seek out a relationship with me outside his marriage. I am not so sure he could really love her if he is involved with me this way and for so long. And we have been together a long time. It cannot just be a fling or a physical thing or it would probably have been over by now." .... you revealed yourself as the perfect shill for a guy who has no scruples.... and will use YOU indefinitely... until/unless you and he are found out by wifey..... at which time, he will drop YOU....
Sorry... but you really aren't looking at this situation dispassionately.....
Good luck..... find a single/available man... and you will find that life gets much easier...
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (6 January 2015):
 He is never ever going to leave his wife. There is no "torn" about it, especially after you clarified what his age bracket is.
Every time you make a demand, big or small, he goes cold or he'll say whatever it takes to keep you on the side. Once you drop an ultimatum or start making demands that he can't talk or "distance" his way out of, he will leave.
You also say "he said" a lot. You don't understand that a cheater's words are worthless. Once his wife finds out about you, which she will, he's not going to tell her about his "incredible connection" to you. He'll say things more along the line about how you are unimportant, and that it "wasn't love" and basically he'll say whatever he can...at your expense...to keep the marriage.
The funny thing about this is - the truth is in front of your eyes already. He said this "once I lose (sexual) interest, the relationship will likely die." Basically, it's all sex to him, period. He is getting everything, and you are on his terms, not the other way around.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2015): Oh I have been there and worn the teeshirt I got caught up with a married man and before I get blasted for it I didn't know he was married, it turned out he hadn't been faithful for the whole of his 7 year marriage and had it down to a tee with the lying.
When I found out and had already fallen in love with him, he promised the earth He needed me in his life etc etc etc. I pulled away and found someone else, he said he wanted to know all the details after my dates with my new guy told him on his bike. he panicked and then he was telling his wife his adult children and his parents about us. He even rang me and said he had told his parents and his kids about me now for his wife even saying he was telling her that night. He said he told her but she insisted he stayed to pay the mortgage yeah yeah. Even on his wedding anniversary he was texing me wanting me back telling me he loved me. I dumped his sorry backside with a warning if ever I find out he was cheating on wife again I would furnish her with all the proof of all the affairs so she could take him to the cleaners.
I will tell you this now, if he left her for you your mistress position would be vacant and he would fill it in a heart beat. Could you trust a man who lies and cheat because I know within 2 months you would be wondering.
You mean nothing to him apart from a leg over and are you sure your the only mistress???. You said yourself in your post he told you "if you lost interest in the sex the relationship would die" meaning if you didn't want sex as often as you do now then he would move on to find someone else who did. He is telling you everything that's in the married man's cheating book and if hes doing it so easy then he's done it before.
Also they never marry or move in with the mistress, three married male ex friends all had mistresses and left their wives but for other women not the mistresses. You are just a distraction from the boring parts of life.
Dump him and walk away, think of all the hurt to his wife and how would you feel if a woman was sleeping with your husband and knew he was married??????????????
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reader, Xearo  +, writes (6 January 2015):
Seems like you both have manipulated each other into a fake relationship.
There are 2 things I want to point out here.
He has no commitments with you so any relationship you think you have or will have, will never happen else it would have happened by now. Life is only as complex as we allow it to be, and if he was unhappy, he would have left. All he has done to this point is use you whenever he feels like because guys like him get a high off being in control. As soon as you get close, he pulls away. There is no mystery here. You are giving him everything and putting out 150% for someone who just needs to tell you "You forget I am married?". You are doing way too much for someone who has no commitment. If situations were flipped, you would NEVER settle down with a guy who was obsessed over you.
The other thing is that, you've been lying and making up too many excuses for him. This guy is such a bad guy for you, and you've allowed yourself to be in this situation for so long, that if he does ANYTHING remotely NICE you would take it as a sign of better things to come. I promise that even if you do get him, he will never love you the way you deserved.
At any rate, you have no control over the situation or over him. He has to make the choice to divorce or not. And it is your choice to wait for as long as you want. Life is short and certainly there is no time for regretful actions. Everyone here is going to tell the same or similar thing as I have said, because we rarely see these things turn out the way women want it to, if it even happens at all.
Also, I personally think you can do way better.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (6 January 2015):
 Can't feel sorry for you, you knew he was married...but I feel very sorry for his wife if she truly is unaware of her husband's philandering. I hope there are no children involved in this mess.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2015): This man is not 'torn'. He made the choice to stay with his wife. He chose to risk losing you rather than losing his wife. THAT was his choice. Dress it up however you like but he's chosen to stay put.He will probably reach old age with his wife and look after each other when sick.In the meantime, you are a fun and exciting hobby that when push comes to shove, he can do without. OP in the end, whatever rocks your boat is up to you. If you see yourself living in the shadows as a dirty secret, never having a family day out with him, never hosting a dinner party for mutual friends, never going to each other's work functions then go for it. I have the thrill, the passion and the excitement and I don't have to share him with anyone or stress about him getting scared about loving me too much. I am just amazed that you would settle for a situation you feel is far from perfect when there are so many men who would make you happier if you got rid of this half arsed 'relationship' you have going on.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2015): Thank you for the replies thus far.Hi WiseOwl. Well I also approached that subject with him. I said that if I left him he would just replace me. He told me I am "irreplaceable." And I believe that whole heartedly. I suspect it would be a definite challenge for him to find another victim considering his advanced age and being out of shape.I was an easy target because I was/am vulnerable and so it was easy to fall in with me. But it would not be so easy with others I am certain.An old, married and out of shape man is not exactly an in demand hot commodity.Let's just say that I can replace him more easily as I am 20 years younger than him and the most out of his league he will ever get in this lifetime.The posters are right. I can do much better than him. He on the other hand... well, he just can't.The sex is very good between us. I think that has been the glue.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2015): I don't care how long and emotional your post is. It's still another woman's husband, and you're getting played. Men throughout history going back to biblical times can have multiple wives and women in their lives. No matter how you put it, you're just a woman on the side.
You wrote a romance novel explaining how meaningful it is.
Only to you. You're just his piece on the side.
He has no intention of changing his life, splitting his assets, and going through the cost of a divorce; when for the last two years he has gotten everything he wants without doing so.
You're an excellent novelist, and should consider writing. You have a knack. However; you're lost in your own fictional story of love. This man is the same as all others who cheat on their wives. They play on your emotions and manipulate your feelings. They have tremendous egos, and feel they are totally in control of two (or more) women. He owns your feelings, and all he has to do is appeal to your appetite for drama and romance. You live-out the very novel you've written in your post, and you thrive on it. You're happy just as it is. You must be, you've stayed with it for two whole years.
He's the typical cheating husband. You're his mistress.
He loves his wife. That's why he's not leaving her. He likes the sex on the side. He'll stay until you leave him.
If you leave him, he will replace you. You will have served your purpose. He will not leave his wife, because he doesn't feel you're worth it.
You're a very articulate and intelligent woman. You deserve better.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2015): My dear, you just mentioned that he is married for 20 years, and that he have his fears of letting go of his wife of 20 years, you are 100% correct."Your affair is too good to be true and I can say for a married man to leave his wife the chances are 10% especially when married jointly their wealth.All I can think off , is that he does not have a courage to call off this relationship, he want you to figure it out yourself, he was just enjoying all the sex pleasures and all the styles that he could not do with his wife, Two years is long to be waisted on this maried man, at the same time your boyftriend is not happy on his marriage, that is why he took a chance with you.Good luck and do not do same mistake again, just an advice not judging you.Do yourself a favor just forget about him, even when he comes back with excuses do not take him back because he is not giving you reasons as to why is he behaving like this!
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (6 January 2015):
So reading through all this, it seems like you two are not entirely on the same page. You're in love with him and while he may care for you, most of his enjoyment from his relationship is the intimacy and "no questions asked" part. You yourself have noticed things only go well when you don't pressure him.
Look, he has a good thing going here: he gets to be married to his wife and have that part of his life while getting the things he feels are missing from that life from you. Of course he doesn't want to make a decision: this is the best of both worlds! Well, as long as you keep his needs and wishes your number one priority that is; the moment you start wanting things for yourself, he gets defensive and acts scared. Ever noticed everything seems to be about what's important to him and his life and how it all could go badly for him? He's not exactly taking your needs in account here.
He's never going to divorce his wife for you. Why? Because he doesn't have to do that to get you: he already has you. And if things don't work out between you two, he is safe in his marriage and can pursue his next conquest who will give him what he wants, no questions asked. In the grand scheme of things, two years is nothing. He'll keep you hanging for as long as you'll let him. An aunt of mine had a relationship with a married man. It took her 7 years to realize he was never going to leave his wife for her. You might think your situation is unique; it's not.
You can do better than this man.
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male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (6 January 2015):
 The ups and downs you experience are clearly the back and forth of guilt and denial. He's amarried man and is not going to leave her for you or that would have happened by now.
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