A
female
age
30-35,
*en1689
writes:I'm in a strange place, and I was hoping someone could shed some light..I am twenty-three years old and have been with my husband now for three and a half years, married for about ten months. Our relationship has been good for the most part. We get along well, hold common interests and goals, both are responsible and mature, etc. We've moved together several times, twice across the country, and we've both strived to make one another happy.As far as problems in our relationship, I've had a lot of issues dealing with his past. I've dealt with a lot of retroactive jealousy (and have asked for help with it through previous posts), and he's dealt a lot with trying to help me get over it. He's thrown the D word at me a couple of times right after getting married due to my actions surrounding the subject. We've made it past that, though.I also suffer from depression (as do a number of people in my family). My husband was well aware of this very early on in our relationship, and encouraged me to seek counselling and take medication. I did counselling for a while, and I'm still on medication. My mood, though, will often tank and I'll become a drag to be around. I'll only focus on the negatives and become very withdrawn. My husband dealt well with this at first, but has admitted to me that it's been exhausting for him to get past. This has taken its toll on our marriage and our relationship as a whole.Since we've been together, I've never thought of anyone else. I've never even thought to think of anyone else. I loved him unconditionally at first. My entire existence revolved around him. I lost my virginity to him when I was twenty, only three weeks into us dating. He, on the other hand, has been with two before me. I've let that go, and it doesn't bother me anymore.Now to the problem: I'm completely infatuated with and falling for another guy. I went to high school with him for a brief time (although we never once spoke). I clearly remember him, and he somewhat remembers me (he was three years my senior). We reconnected on Facebook (as I have with many previous classmates), but it was completely innocent and an occasional comment or chat here and there. He lives in Georgia and I live in Washington State. He always remarked on how beautiful and intelligent I was. I was flattered. That was that.We've been texting now for the past few weeks. He says he's falling for me. I feel the same. My marriage is not a bad one, but we've come to resent one another. We work nearly opposite schedules and don't see much of each other. When we do see each other, we argue (this was happening well before the other guy). I've accepted the fact that my husband is never going to be okay with my depression, mainly because is bums him out too much. In the beginning he said that it didn't bother him and that he would work with me on it, but I guess it's taken its toll.As I mentioned, until recently, I never found anyone else even the slightest bit attractive. I only had eyes for my husband, and was okay with that. But throughout our relationship we've lacked intimate passion. I've discussed this with him, and he doesn't see a problem with it. I've mentioned possible role-playing, spontaneous attempts at doing it in public, getting angry and doing it.. Nothing. He says, "we're young and don't need it. We can just do it." But I've been craving passion. It's just not there with us.I've contemplated leaving numerous times. Mainly just to break him free of having to deal with my depression, but I always hold back because I know he cares about me and I know it would kill him. We've got a good life together, and I know I'm comfortable with it, and that's a lot of the reason for me staying. However, in September I'm going down to Georgia to see my best friend whom I haven't seen in seven years, and yes, I will be seeing my crush.. Yes, it's crazy, and yes, I know something will happen once I see him. I'm counting on it..I need to get out of my marriage, but every one of my friends tell me that I'm making a mistake. I don't see it that way. I know I can be happy with myself, too. I don't have to rely on someone else. In fact, I need to be happy with myself first. I'm not even doing this for the other guy, but I refuse to make a move with him while I'm still married. I haven't been single in six years, and I don't even know who I am anymore. Prior to my husband, I was with my ex who I moved from Arizona to Washington State to be with. We broke up shortly after I moved here, and I built an entirely new life. I know that something ending doesn't have to mean the end for me, and I'm willing to take that chance..If anyone has any advice on how to go about doing this, I would really appreciate it. I honestly never thought I'd get here, but now that I am, I just need to know what direction to take.
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female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (4 July 2012):
 I agree with the posters who have said that you are letting your depression get the better of you. And I know there's no point saying this now, but you got married way too early. 23 is when you should be exploring life with all its endless possibilities, not settling down into matrimony! you have your whole life ahead of you for that. That being said, you chose to get married and you now seem to want to opt out of it without even fighting for it.
Look, marriage isnt easy. Its a lot of work, a lot of compromise, a lot of give and take. But its also something that you need to think very hard about because someone else's life is now joined with yours. You're not even a year into your marriage and you're contemplating divorce. You've been with your husband three years prior to your wedding but you're saying now that "throughout our relationship we've lacked intimate passion."...."I've been craving passion. It's just not there with us."
Why are you coming up with this now? If lack of passion was a deal breaker for you and you've faced it always in your relationship then why did you agree to get married? I'm sorry Jen, I dont get your arguments. You are not happy with your marriage while you yourself chose to get married to this man after 3 yrs of dating. You've been battling with retroactive jealousy and I've seen previous posts by you on the same topic. Which brings me to the most important point.
For someone who has such a crippling problem with retroactive jealousy, how can you contemplate cheating on your husband? Your actions imply that you are on the verge of cheating, texting and leading the guy on is very much a part of what constitutes cheating. So you couldn't stand the thought of your husband with any other girl, while being a married woman you are now cheating on him! That's absurd!!
All I can say at this point is, you need counselling. Don't jump to any hasty decisions regarding your marriage, dont let your depression get in the way and dont allow yourself to be swayed by the other man. Its not right for him, its not right for you and its not right for your husband. As much as you say you're not going to leave your husband for the other man, you know that he is there in some part of your mind and you think you will be happy with him. "I refuse to make a move with him while I'm still married.". Sorry but you have both made the "moves".
Get away from your husband for a while, take a break from work and go and live with your parents for some time to get some perspective. Divorce is a final option when you feel it cannot work out anymore. But you have to think, what next? Do you honestly think you can lead a single life? There's no guarantee things will work out with the new guy. everything's rosy and frothy in a new relationship but the actual test is when things get real and you're left to deal with that. Think about it.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2012): Couldn't be that your depression might be the reason for you being unhappy? What makes you think this crush who you haven't dealt with will make you happier? and how do you know he actually wants you in a serious relationship or just wanna play with you?
On the other hand you should seek your happiness not on expense of people who loves you, but don't gamble what you have for what you don't even know. remember grass is not necessarily greener on the other side.
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A
female
reader, Sinful_thinker89 +, writes (4 July 2012):
 First and foremost, cut down contact from this other man because you are stepping outside your marriage which is wrong. Secondly talk to your husband let him know what's going on and how you are feeling, stop holding back thats why people can be miserable in a relationship because they want to keep to themselves and let it eat away. You are setting yourself for failure by falling for another guy already when the divorce papers aren't even in discussion yet.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2012): You haven't even been married for a year and you want to throw it away?
I'd recomen marriage counseling and talking to your husband before doing anything rash. If you love him (your husband) you will do what you can to make the marriage work and forget about this other guy.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2012): Look, I personally think you are letting your depression influence you. You are bored, and you seek an easy out as the answer to your problems. And the seeming indifference of your husband is not helping matters.
Then along comes a flame from the past and it's all new and exciting. But what makes you think a relationship with him is going to be different? Your husband probably said all the same sweet things when courting you. And it's likely this other guy will stop when he no longer feels he needs to impress you.
I would cancel your trip or organise for your friend to visit you if you so distrust yourself around this other man. You also need to cut him out of your life now, before it's too late. All you are doing is giving him hope and if you DO end up sleeping with the guy it will destroy your marriage and from then on your relationship with the second man will be tainted by your guilt, and possibly his.
You need to look for ways to salvage the relationship you HAVE NOW with greater efforts than you, either of you, are doing currently. You promised certain things when you got married, as did he, and you make a mockery of the ritual if you are just going to abandon that because you found out that real relationships aren't all sunshine and roses.
Time to grow up and accept that sometimes you can't just let yourself be ruled by desire alone. This whole 'follow your heart, wherever it leads' business only ends badly most of the time, because our hearts often want things that are going to hurt both ourselves and all those around us... and we don't see it because our heart blinds us to consequences.
That said, if you still feel unhappy after trying everything you can possibly try to save this marriage, then yes... you should agree to part ways. But ONLY as an absolute last resort.
Flynn 24
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A
female
reader, oldbag  +, writes (4 July 2012):
 Hi
Well your 23 years old and dont appear to have been single for any time. You move homes, you fight depression and now you want your freedom
Perhaps freedom is just what you need. You can't stay with somebody because your friends think you should. Just don't go rushing into ANOTHER relationship with somebody, anybody. It will never solve your problems, you will take them with you.
My suggestion is if your 100% certain your marriage is over, end it for your husbands sake.
Then be single, learn about yourself,get the depression treated.Don't leave to go to yet another man, it will eventually end in tears.
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