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Frank B Kermit
writes:Understanding Emotional Needs:What We Respond To Versus What We Should LikeBy Frank Kermit, RelationshipsEmotional needs are about what a person responds to. It has nothing to do with what a person should like. We all should be attracted to someone that is good for us. We all should be attracted to someone that will take care of us. We all should be attracted to someone that has our best interests at heart. But we aren’t. We are not always attracted to the people we should be attracted to. We are attracted to people that address our particular combinations of emotional needs, whether we like it or not. And if our own particular combinations of emotional needs happened to be unhealthy, we can only be attracted to people that connect to us back, in emotionally unhealthy relationships. In simpler terms, people with intimacy issues can only function in relationships with people who also have intimacy issues. When going over your relationship history, it is important in your self-assessment to recognize that the repeating patterns of behaviors of the people you dated are not an accident. They are a reflection of the kinds of behaviors that you respond to. More specifically, they are a reflection of the combinations of emotional needs within you. If you want to start dating a different kind of person there are two ways to accomplish this. The first is to change yourself, and the second is to date people that you may not necessarily be attracted (respond) too. The second option of dating people that you may not necessarily be attracted too is the least popular option in our society. I see it in my practice how some people have such an incredible rage against what they call “settling” that their standards make it almost impossible for them to see how their resolve is part of what is stopping them from finding love and happiness. However, it really is one of the best means to breaking an established pattern of attraction to the wrong kind of people. Part of the reason this happens is because once you start dating people that you would normally not be attracted to, you may find yourself experiencing new sensations such as someone treating you in the way you want to be treated (i.e. with respect). Perhaps, you finally end up dating someone that can fully appreciate your sense of humor and experience a new range of relief in not having to censor yourself. Perhaps, you might even learn something new about yourself because this new type of person will have taken you for an outing or an event you never would have thought to try to begin with. One of my personal favorite outings to take dates was live Pro-Wrestling Shows. Most of the women I dated had never been, but the lights, special FX explosions, and the hulking larger-than-life wrestling characters made for a good night of entertainment. The most re-occurring comment I got from those dates was that they never thought they could enjoy such an outing. Not only did they enjoy themselves, some of them ended up very turned on by the show, and got to associate those exciting feelings with me after the event.The key to dating new people that you would normally not be attracted to is that in the process of dating, you get used too the new sensations (for example, being treated well and respected) to the point where, you become attracted to that newly familiar behavior because you link good pleasurable feelings to being treated well. This also includes exploring some sexual intimacy and linking sexual pleasure with the new type of person you are dating as you continue to get to know each other. That combination can lead to being attracted to the person who evokes those emotional stirrings inside you. In this way, you reprogram your own emotional needs to respond to a new type of person that you will be attracted and respond too.The first option of changing yourself without dating new types of people initially can be more difficult for some people. It involves a tremendous amount self-inspection, and self-actualization. This is a longer path because without pushing yourself to actually date, you will need to re-construct new beliefs about love, sex, dating and relationships on a purely theoretical level. I have seen a select number of people, some of whom are incredibly gifted in other areas of their lives, who simply will not allow themselves to make mistakes in dating in order to complete a learning curve process and thus who may get to the point of refusing to date anyone until they have “everything figured out first”. Unfortunately, without putting yourself out there and dating new people to back new learning’s with actually life experience, these people are unable to grow fully confident in their new personas. Confidence is a result of action, and cannot be conjured up through rational thought alone. Behind your new self, must be works of action to uphold your new convictions upon a solid foundation of proof. Otherwise, there is no real way of knowing if you truly have healed and have emotional needs that reflect your healing.If you already are attracted to the exact types of people that you would be happy building a long-term future with, then just keep going until you find someone with whom you can do exactly that. However, if you only attracted to the kinds of people that will cause you to continue to end up alone in your life, take it as a sign that you need to reprogram your emotional needs.Frank Kermit is a relationship coach available for private coaching. He is a best selling author, educator, relationship columnist for The West End Times Newspaper and also appears regularly on the CJAD 800 AM radio program Passion. Come out and meet Frank in person at Frank’s weekly relationship workshops offered every Saturday night from 6pm to 9pm. Frank can be reached through frank@franktalks.com
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reader, Frank B Kermit +, writes (5 July 2012):
Frank B Kermit is verified as being by the original poster of the question http://www.franktalks.com/family-friends-vs-partners/
Hi Shelly,
The above link has some articles I wrote about family vs partners.
As you have learned, you do NOT ever involve family into your intimacy challenges.
-Frank
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reader, shellycg  +, writes (5 July 2012):
 Hi Frank,Just read your article what a relief...Ive been seeing this guy who i have known for 22 years has been one of my best friends and we got to gether a year ago or so... i dont know why we didnt sooner, he absolutely meets all my emotional needs more so than anyone else i have ever dated... i can be myself when i am with him, we talk , we have an absolutely fabulous physical relationship best ever... i knew when i started dating him that he was a cross dresser and frank i have to say it so blew me away i was too scared to say anything to him (as i had a bad experience with an ex who had cross drssing friend) but when i was honest that i loved it he was over the moon, we have had some very turbulent times , but we have got over it together, talked to each other, trusted each other, the only problem is that when we have hit rocky patches in the past i made the mistake of telling my sister and mum and hence allowing them an opioion on him, they call him names, and also say they want nothing to do with me whilst i am with him, they are trying to control who i see what friends i have, but Frank im so happy with him we have been through so much together... to much to write on here... very unfair as they have always critised who i have been dating, ive fell out with them on their say so and then they dont bother with me for weeks leaving me licking my wounds on my own!!! so this time im not listening to them am i being un reasonable?:) x
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