A
male
age
41-50,
*FG
writes:Ok need advice.I have been married for 10 years have two kids aged 7 and 4. When i met my wife she was a size 16, over the years she has put more weight on and she is now a size 30. She does not work I have more to do with the kids than her, I hold down a full time job and still end up having to do the washing and hoovering etc. I have put up with all this thinking one day things would get better. In 2005 i went on prozac because i was really down. I am a sexual active person but my wife isn't we made love once in 2006 and 2007 and it was hard becasue of the size of her, I thought because of this and our children she would try to do something about it, but she went the other way. We talk but I am in the position that every time i see her now that i resent her. In nov 2007 I met someone, had a fling so to speak and realised the grass was greener on the other side. I told my wife in Nov 2007 that if she wasn't going to change and go down the road of self destruction that i wasn't prepare to follow and I would leave. It is now march and I am sat writing this at my mothers. I love my kids so very much, but although i know I love my wife, i cannot see a future there anymore. I needed to leave before I found myself having another fling, because that is not right. I need to be happy and I cannot carry on.... your thoughts would be apperciated Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2008): I am so sorry that this is happening to you; she is really turning very spitefull and nasty. This is anger and bitterness from her side and yes, you must see a solicitor as soon as possible. Do not allow her to poison your little girls mind with thoughts such as "you are to busy at work"; that little kiddo needs to know, now more then ever, that you are always available for her; speak to the lawyer and get this matter attended to a.s.a.p.
If your wife feels the little girl is getting upset to much; suggest you both take her to a counsellor to work through this with her; they have wonderfull ways of dealing with the little ones and are trained to in a very special way deal with them and there FEARS; as in most cases, that is the biggest problem with the little ones; they fear that they will loose you completely;
Be strong.
A
male
reader, BFG +, writes (2 July 2008):
BFG is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you, I am going to see a solicitor this afternoon to get my facts straight. I know she is hurting but, but I think she is hurting the kids more by doing this.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (1 July 2008):
 Definitely time for the lawyer.
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female
reader, Gena Bullock +, writes (1 July 2008):
 NO! SHE CANNOT DO THIS!!!! You are to talk to your attorney and tell him/her what she has told you--do you not have a settlement agreement signed giving you legal visitation on set weekends/holidays yet? This is something you must do in order to have a court order if she does something like this to you after you sign the agreement.
The judge will make her give you the kids on the basis of the agreement. Do not let her get away with this~
Gena
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male
reader, BFG +, writes (1 July 2008):
BFG is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have been seperated from my wife for 4 months now. I have still been playing an active part in my childrens life, e.g bayby sitting, watch them at their swimming lessons and having them stay with me at weekends, I call them in the morning before school and at a evening before bed. My wife called me on Monday and told me not to call or to visit them, My eldest girl who is 7 is upset because I am not coming back, so my wife says that she needs some healing time and that could be anything up to 3 weeks or more. I think this is B*****ks and although my little girl may be upset at times , my wife can only be hurting them both more by not letting there father see them. My wife said that if they ask why I have not called she will tell them i am to busy with work. I am heart broken because I am very close to my 2 childern, CAN SHE DO THIS? I would like to know your thoughts please
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2008): It's a bit late for your marriage, now that you've met somebody else, but you'll see that it _is_ possible to rekindle the love and attraction if you really want to.
Do try googling "Emotional needs"-- this will probably take you to the marriagebuilders site. Oh heck, here's the link:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3000_intro.html
And, here's another site for your wife:
http://flylady.net/pages/body_clutter_main_1.asp
http://flylady.net/pages/begin_babysteps.asp
I've done Flylady's system for about 5 years now and have completely turned around my life-- she teaches how to declutter their homes, bodies, and minds so they can run a household with ease and have time to take care of their own needs and feel good about themselves. It's a community of (mainly) women, all struggling with all sorts of issues including weight and supporting each other.
At this point, you're probably all fogged up with your love for the new woman, so the fact that your wife has gone through this drastic operation to (partially) please you, won't register. To you, it's "too little, too late", and your wife would be a saint if she didn't resent you for not appreciating for what she's gone through for your sake.
But if you are willing to give up your new romance for the sake of your family, and to really work with your wife on meeting needs (sounds like your unmet needs are for domestic support, sex, and affection, while hers may be for admiration?) -- you and your wife might well be able to bring the love back. It appears that you and your wife do want the same thing. Of course it won't be easy-- it took you both years to get into this situation, and it will take some time to climb out of it. The first tiny steps will be the hardest things you've ever done, but it will become easier with time, until one day there will be a "click" and then you'll both find it a joy to begin pleasing each other again.
It sounds like your wife has made the huge hard first step by doing the gastric bypass (sure, you can blame her for taking the "easy" way out, but when she was so weighed down by her body it may have been the only thing she was truly capable of doing). If you truly cared to save your family, it's your turn to take a step-- by sacrificing your budding relationship with the other woman.
Best of luck and DO check out those sites. Their systems are completely free and have helped me and my family a lot.
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reader, Gena Bullock +, writes (24 June 2008):
Dear,
You need to not do the drug thing...you'll only feel sluggish and not your real self. I never took one pill during my leave of my ex...didn't have lil' ones to leave behind; however, I have a 21 year old that still comes around~I kept her informed of everything throughout my marriage to her father and she's become strong because of it. Be open and honest with your children at all times; it's the only way to be. As 'Smiley' stated, love them and enjoy your time with them. Find love for yourself and throw the guilt out the window! You cannot make people change-just go on with your life and let her deal with her own adult life on her own. You don't need that burden nor do you deserve it.
Like I said for myself, "IT'S ME TIME!" Gena
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2008): My heart goes out to you; I have deep empathy with how you feel and what you are going through;
However; you have not failed your children;
you did your best and you are still doing your best; but you cannot allow yourself to be destroyed; miserable and unhappy; because that will develop other frustrations that will manifest in various form and then you might not be able to make your kids happy at all;
for example: often the frustration of bottled up emotions,bitternes, anger can causes illness such as uclers or even cancer;
Only when you are happy can you make those around you happy; and yeah, you will need time to adjust being without them all the time; but when you are with them, you will be able to give them quality time; with lots of love and happines; they need that far more then a dad at home that is unhappy, feeling miserable; and believe me, you cannot hide those things from children; they are wonderful little detectives; they sense our emotions better then we do ourselves;
Take it easy; give yourself time to heal; enjoy the time with your kids; give them lots of love and allow yourself to have love in your life too; you deserve to be loved and be happy;
Be strong! A big smile from me!
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reader, BFG +, writes (24 June 2008):
BFG is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell the feeling of guilt of being happy and my kids not having a dad around full time has got me down so much I ended up going back to the doc's. I talked it through with the doc and decided to go back on fluxoetine for a while and see how it goes. The kids were always closer to me than my wife. Although I do see them about 4 times a week I do miss giving them a kiss everynight when I tuck them up in bed. I do feel that I have failed them, but I did try... If only she would have changed :-(
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2008): Athletes enter a marathon, all with the hope to finish the race; however, some due to injuries and various reasons cannot finish the race;not all makes it to the finish line; that does not mean they cannot participate in future races;however, to try and be foolish and try to complete a race, whilst badly injured, might cause so much damage that the athlete can never participate again; therefor they sometimes have to stop during the race.
Very much the same with marriages; some are very fortunate and live happily ever after; others are less fortunate, and end in divorce; that does not mean they cannot start a new life with somebody else and be happy; however to hold on to a marriage for the wrong reason is like running whislt badly injured, long term, you are making it worse for yourself and the children.
Children, specially when they are still young adapt easier then what we give them credit for; it takes a little while for them to get use to the changes but they are most of the times easier to accept the changes then teenagers.
try not to have a confusing situation where the little ones are concerned; that creates hope and that creates problems; they should know; daddy is home or daddy is not coming home; simple and basic; they need to know you still love them lots, always will be there for them;
always will love them;
You are entitled to happiness; only if you are happy within yourself can you really make those around you happy.
Hope this is of some assistance.
Good luck!
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female
reader, Gena Bullock +, writes (20 June 2008):
Going back for the sake of the children isn't the right answer...you stayed for the sake of the children to begin with, remember? Keep on the same trek you're making now and start a new life. It's been too long and you need to clear your conscience of everything and make good of the children by biding your time with them and holding that bond. As your daughter grows up, she'll come to understand.
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reader, BFG +, writes (19 June 2008):
BFG is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Guys and Girls, Just a quick update because I am confused about my feelings and need your help. It has been 4 months since My wife and I seperated and in this time I did come to meet a very special person who has told me that she loves me and thinks I am wonderful. My wife would still like me to come back and try again, my daughter who is 7 now gets sad and crys when I drop her off home after we have had our time together and my little son is fine. I look at my wife sometimes and wonder if it is worth going back for the kids..... On one hand I am happy again with this lady I have met but on the other hand I feel guilty for being so because my daughter is sad some times.
Do I go back because of my childern ?
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reader, Gena Bullock +, writes (29 May 2008):
When I was married, it was harder to be with someone who I knew had cheated on me time and time again...when he was over me in bed and staring into my eyes, all I could see was him looking and me and thinking about the other women he'd been with...and me thinking about and 'seeing' in his eyes the other women glaring back at me!That is why I left him eventually....I had forgiven, but could not forget. I also could not see us growing old together anymore and with that, the love was lost. Gena
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reader, natasia +, writes (20 April 2008):
 Yes, I have thought that way - and am now divorced. Sometimes in life there's no right answer, unfortunately - all the options are flawed. We're programmed to think that if we just do the right thing, find the right key, then everything will be fine. I think that is possible, but only in the sense that you can work on your attitude to accept anything and make it ok. When you look at the options facing someone who has lost connection with their partner and will probably never get it back, they are:
1) stay with partner and submit to a half-life of no sex, no romantic love, no joy of union with another ... just existence, probably plus a whole lot of arguing, etc, because your life seems so hopeless (this is the point at which some people have affairs, I guess - which leads to yet more trouble!)
2) get divorced - break up the family, upset the children (an understatement), but have the chance of love in the future and building a new and more hopeful life with someone else. The kids, though, will be changed forever by the divorce. However, they will learn to live with it, and if you get a new partner who they like (v important!) they will adapt to a new emotional map and be ok. There will always be the sadness there, though, for all of you, of the divorce, I'm afraid. Gets much less with time, though, and as the kids get older.
Not trying to depress you - just trying to look at things clearly. It's tempting to just do nothing for the time being, and maybe that's what you should do. I think ultimately probably divorce is the way to go, if only as it's the more practical, viable, realistic option - you can't live a life without love - that is not what marriage is about - that's not what you promised in your vows. Hope is the most important thing to have in your life, and with hope, everything else becomes easier to deal with - you see things more clearly, and have a better sense of what you want and need to do.
Good luck. And don't reproach yourself. You're doing your very best to find a way through. But we all deserve a decent hope of a life. You too.
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reader, natasia +, writes (20 April 2008):
Yes, I have thought that way - and am now divorced. Sometimes in life there's no right answer, unfortunately - all the options are flawed. We're programmed to think that if we just do the right thing, find the right key, then everything will be fine. I think that is possible, but only in the sense that you can work on your attitude to accept anything and make it ok. When you look at the options facing someone who has lost connection with their partner and will probably never get it back, they are:
1) stay with partner and submit to a half-life of no sex, no romantic love, no joy of union with another ... just existence, probably plus a whole lot of arguing, etc, because your life seems so hopeless (this is the point at which some people have affairs, I guess - which leads to yet more trouble!)
2) get divorced - break up the family, upset the children (an understatement), but have the chance of love in the future and building a new and more hopeful life with someone else. The kids, though, will be changed forever by the divorce. However, they will learn to live with it, and if you get a new partner who they like (v important!) they will adapt to a new emotional map and be ok. There will always be the sadness there, though, for all of you, of the divorce, I'm afraid. Gets much less with time, though, and as the kids get older.
Not trying to depress you - just trying to look at things clearly. It's tempting to just do nothing for the time being, and maybe that's what you should do. I think ultimately probably divorce is the way to go, if only as it's the more practical, viable, realistic option - you can't live a life without love - that is not what marriage is about - that's not what you promised in your vows. Hope is the most important thing to have in your life, and with hope, everything else becomes easier to deal with - you see things more clearly, and have a better sense of what you want and need to do.
Good luck. And don't reproach yourself. You're doing your very best to find a way through. But we all deserve a decent hope of a life. You too.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2008): It takes time to heal and forgive what happened in the past.
I'm there now, not sure what the future will hold, but I'm being patient.
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male
reader, BFG +, writes (19 April 2008):
BFG is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Guys, i am back again. I have still not moved back in and still soul searching as to if I should. The question I need answering is when I look in to my wifes eyes I can never see us being lovers again. Has anyone else thought this way about their partner?
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2008): It is heart breaking to hear your daughter ask you to come home, eventually, you may need to.
I will assume a few things and make a suggestion based on those assumptions. If I recall, you never really stated the reasons. It seems you taken advantage of (?) and that she has held up in her own world, distancing you and others. Not sure if this was caused by weight, but let me throw something out and you decide if this is possible.
I can see your hestitent to move back, and I'm sure the reasons is because you may feel hurt by what may have been done to her. If so, when she gets better from the hospital, write her letter. tell her honestly that you would like to go back but (fill in the blanks for why you can't, such as feelings and how treated), if this is the case. You need to get to the bottom of the why's, learn the how's and then stand up for your feelings and needs. Don't blame her, suggest she may not have know this about you, that you had hidden it, not thinking it was important, but now you do.
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reader, BFG +, writes (4 April 2008):
BFG is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI took my wife into the hospital on Tuesday she had her operation at 4pm that day and I went home at 9 pm that evening. We spoke to one another while we waited and there was a lot of bitterness on both sides. I dont agree with the operation never have. The operation went well and she came out of hospital on Thursday, she looked so ill.
I have not gone back home, her mum is looking after her and my childern are currently stopping with me. She still wants us to make a go of things, but the more i stay away the more it feels like I have made the correct decision. The only time i question it is when my daughter crys sometimes and askes me to go back home.... life goes on ...
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2008): Did you wife have the op?You know sir I think you are one of the lucky one's if thats possible, you know why you had the affair, you know its wrong and don't want to do it again as you say you love your wife which I belive you do.You both got stuck in a rut, but now you both want to do something to change it. Although both have you have made big changes you moving out and her agreeing to the op and asking you to come back.I hope you did move back as I agree with Gina imagine if you were going in for big surgery and you though your hubby didn't love you enough? its at this time and I know you have stood by her for yrs but she needs you now more than ever and your kids need you to I'm not trying to put you on a guilt trip just stating facts. I really hope it works out for you both and your hurt and pain can be healed to make you both stronger together or apart.But again I think you both still love each other and its taken this big shake up to hopfully pull you together, please update us on your wife and my best wishes go to you all.
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reader, natasia +, writes (29 March 2008):
I don't know why, but it sounds like the end of the road for you with her. She isn't bothered when she sees you; she doesn't want to touch you; there's no mutual attraction or support or anything. And over the years it sounds like you have given her a huge amount, and she's just taken it, and not done anything with it.
I know everyone feels for her because of her size, but I feel for you. Sure, she can have this op, and she can try to repair the damage done to her body, and get back on track. She has to, or, to put it bluntly, she'll die. You can't do any of that for her. You've tried and tried, and it hasn't made her do anything at all. I'm afraid that's how it is with weight and our relationship with our bodies - it can only come from ourselves.
I think a break from you would also do her good - she won't be able to lean on you and take you for granted. She'll have to motivate herself. And she won't have men running round her at 23 stone. She'll suddenly be living a different dynamic, and start to see herself in a different light, and this could be the catalyst that's needed to make her change and do something for herself.
My advice would be to say you want to continue with the separation indefinitely. You want access to the kids. You will continue to support them and her. But you will set up your own life. You will review it after, say, 6 months, but at the moment you feel going your separate ways is the only answer. And then see how things are after 6 months. I think you will find someone else, someone who gives you back more. It sounds to me as if you deserve that.
You can still be father to your kids, and support her (as your possibly ex-wife at some point), and have a better life yourself. I am not usually so harsh on one party, but I just feel as if you deserve more.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2008): The surgery "might" be beneficial to her in the long term, but as yourself, you both have issues that will take time to work through and heal.
It may not be a good idea for you to move back in with her, if one or both of you feel like your walking on eggs. But if you both agree to take it slow, not to press each others buttons, then going back would be the best. If you can't agree to remaining alm, then staying at your mom's might be best. It is something you and her should discuss.
When one is hurting, their feelings may cause them to lash out at the partner, if your both hurt, then any arguments will lead to destorying the relationship once and for all, so you both must be aware and understand this, and move slowly. All the feelings felt, and the pain they cause, takes time to go away. Ounce your both in a routine of a loving couple, these painful feelings go away.
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reader, Gena Bullock +, writes (28 March 2008):
Okay, now. She's going through with this and its not only for her benefit, but yours and the marriage as well. YOU need to give it this last push or you'll be just giving her another reason to 'give up' and shut things down.
You got her this far, now, go the extra mile and a half and get through this together. I think she'll go through with it just fine. Either way, you need to be there for the kids.
If you move back in and she backs out of the surgery, THEN go back to mom/dads. YOu have the right at that point.
YOU DO realize, there are times when this surgery can go awry and she could die on the table...??? You need to be there for the kids, in case of the worse scenerio and THAT is the WORST CASE--worse than what you'll deal with if you don't move back in to find out how it's going to go. Right?
Gena
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reader, BFG +, writes (28 March 2008):
BFG is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk , well it has been 3 week at my mothers now. I have not got any further with my wife. My kids sometimes cry down the phone at me, although when we are together the quality time we have is great. My wife goes in for her op on 1st April.... very quick I know they had a cancellation or something. My wife says she wants closure to if I am to come back or not. This is becasue she sees the 1st as a new start to her life. I suppose I know where she is coming from, but all I can see is another 6 months at least running around fro her and the childern and will she feel better at the end of it ?
I honestly don't think I can go back I cannot explain the feelings I have in side. I care a bout her and the children deeply. I am fed up of giving and getting nothing back from her in return. She say that will all change when she loses the weight in about 12 mths time. I really cannot see a future !!! am I being selfish?
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reader, BFG +, writes (17 March 2008):
BFG is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwe guys I when I dropped the childern back home last night I spoke to my wife. We exchanged a few words calmly i might add. She reckons that after a week apart the if I dont know by now if I want to go back then I never will. She then added that she is this operation is going to turn her life around and she is going to be happy and do the things hasn't been able to do in the past and its is basicly up to me if I want to be apart of that. I explain what i thought was missing from our relasionship and she said that may come back with time after she has lost the weight. I was stood there in the kitchen looking her in the eye and I was hoping that I would have the urge to through my arms around her and give her a big hug and tell her that every thing is going to be ok.... but it wasn't happening. nor has she made any move to do the same to me..... I am still as confused as ever lol xx but on a brighter note the childern have settled down a little to what is going on.. I would just like to thank you all for taking the time to right responses to my issues... I know I go on but I really am feeling lost at the minute... thank you all again
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reader, BFG +, writes (15 March 2008):
BFG is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNot sure if I have done anything. I suppose I am guilty of carrying her through our marriage.I know I have a fling last year and got the warmth and love from another, but equally knew that it was wrong and ended things. At that point in Nov 2007 I spoke to my wife and explained things had to change she agreed, ( i didn't tell her about the fling) but here I am in March and nothing changed. I know the grass is greener on the other side , but I wanted so much for my wife to change back to the person I married at the start. I am angery with her for not trying.... and here I am sat with nothing while she and the kids are in home. I spoke to my wife yesterday and while she wants me to go back, she also agrees with me that we are happier being apart ....
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female
reader, Gena Bullock +, writes (14 March 2008):
BFG~
You are apart and now you feel some relief. If she has the gastric bypass surgery, there is a chance she may not pull through due to her obesity and the risk of anesthesia. I had a friend die who was as large as she right afterwards. And I've had a couple of friends do fine with it and lose the weight. One is looking absolutely wonderful, lost over 125 pounds in a few months! IT just depends.
If she has the surgery, move back in with the kids. They'll need you. When she comes home, support her until she shows signs of improvement. That's all you can do. If she still gains weight after all of that, let her go. Get out and start a new life. IT isn't you; you've then done all you can. You can't make someone change if they don't want to.
Best of luck, Gena
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2008): I think it is time to go back to her and stand up to the plate and take charge.
I'm getting the impression that the problem maybe yourself, that you may need a reality check or something. Her responses tells me your in the dog house, and she wants you to figure it out.
So the big question is "what have you done?"
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male
reader, BFG +, writes (14 March 2008):
BFG is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI dont want to upset the childern any more than I have to.. I have to admit that I am finding all this rather to deal with. It took a lot for me to leave is wasn't just on a whim. Maybe i should give it a little time and if she doesn't want me back then that sort of answers a few questions for me ???? what do you think?
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female
reader, TELLULAH +, writes (14 March 2008):
 Sounds to me like she is trying to call your bluff. Only you can decide what action to take over this problem. Personally I would tell her that I was only going to come back, if she totally understands how much you wish things to change. If she is not willing to meet you halfway, then I cant see any point in going back. And anyway it would upset your children all over again.
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reader, BFG +, writes (14 March 2008):
BFG is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust spoken to my wife, she seems to becoming to terms with me being at my mothers. So what do I do. She has told me that I either make a decision and come home and not be angery with her, or just to stay away. see the fact that see has said that winds me up..... i dont know anymore... confused more than ever
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reader, BFG +, writes (14 March 2008):
BFG is verified as being by the original poster of the question ariel, my wife is 23 stone and yes I have tried in the pass to motivate her in to changing her life style. I have tried the team work approach, I have pussy footed around her for years. So I thought this would be a more direct to shake her up to do something with her life before I have two young childern looking in to a coffin. Her mother worries becasue she is afraid that my wife will never see our childrens kids and she is right.
I am sorry but you really have no idea why i did what i did, or how hard life had become, even the simple things of curling up together on the sofa is to hard for her to do and yes it burns me up inside every she sits down and has a cup of coffee and a full family size bag of milk chocolate buttons or a large piece of cake.
Out of all this I have 2 childern that i love with all my heart and I don't want to see them hurt. If I go back i feel like I have to be prepared to put my life on hold until she has this operation and then see if things improve. I don't want her to have the op, not for money reasons but for her health. I would like her to do it off her own back, it is alright shinking your stomach , but does that alter whats going on in your head??? I dont know ???
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reader, BFG +, writes (13 March 2008):
BFG is verified as being by the original poster of the questionover the years i have tried to get her to come out for walks with the kids etc, we even joined a gym, but it was all in vain. We bought a shop 3 years a go to see if it would might make her more active, but it didn't and instead i ended up doing all the accounts etc when i got back home from doing my own job. She can't walk far now because it hurts her legs, back and she gets out of breath.
On the outside and even to me she is a bubbly person, it is just when we are together we just dont seem to be any good together.
She has had tablets from the doc xenical i think. She wont come swimming and because we have 2 kids it is difficult to keep an eye on both when we go to the baths.
In Nov 2007 when I told her things had to change. I decided myself that I would get my life back on track, since Nov i lost 3 stone todate, to prove to her with a little will power anything is possible. I feel better and have more energy and want to do more things with the kids. I took the kids to the park last weekend on there bikes and the dog and I had a jog round while the kids peddled, they loved it. The sad thing about it was I didn't miss my wife. If she had been there it would not have happened.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2008): The beauty of this site is we have freedom to voice our thoughts and opinions, whether or not others agree or disagree. So on that note I want to say...Take care, BFG. And I do genuinely wish you the best in whatever you choose to do, hun. You do not need anyone's validation or approval to do what you feel is best for you. None of us do, do we. I'm signing off this posting and movin' on. Good luck and stay strong.
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reader, BFG +, writes (13 March 2008):
BFG is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHate is a very strong word and I know i do not hate her.
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reader, TELLULAH +, writes (13 March 2008):
Sorry Irish,
But I think that you are being hard on this guy as well. I think its lovely that you believe in marriage and sticking with each other through thick and thin, but like Ask older sister says, how much should you have to put up with. Sticking by each other only works if there is love and respect from both sides.
If a person gets lung cancer, because they smoke and refuse to give up, we would quite rightly think them stupid. If you take drugs and risk your health in that way, and you refuse to give up, who do you have to blame but yourself. If you have unprotected sex with strangers and you get aids, are you not partly to blame for your predicament.
I honestly believe that this man wants to help his wife, but if she wont do anything to help herself, then why should he live like that.
Yes she has a problem, and needs to see a doctor before taking any drastic steps. She may not even be a good candidate for this operatiion, but if she is and it saves her life then I believe she should have it done.
I think its really unfair that you should have to pay for this operation, but 10,000 for a womans life is a small price to pay when you think about it.
Do I have sympathy for Fat people, yes I do if they are that way because of a medical condition.
Otherwise NO I dont. Just because a person is depressed due to something in thier past, should not be a reason to stuff yourself to death.
We all have our demon's, I am sure a lot of people on here do. But its down to you to pull yourself through it, and make the most of your life. You can expect suport to a point, but I for one would never expect a partner to stick by me if I wouldnt help mysef.
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reader, BFG +, writes (13 March 2008):
BFG is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI dont see my wife as a "Fat Person" She was a size 16 when I met her, I have supported her through all these years. I have stood by her, given her everything that was possible, I will be truthfully now the crunch came for me when we try to make love and couldn't becasue the size had become an issue, we spoke about it and I thought she was going to lose weight for "us" and the children, but in stead it went the other way. I am sorry if this sounds harsh but it is like living with a old person, I feel my and the kids life is being held back and for what. My wife who up until me walking out wouldn't alter herself.... I am soul searching I just don't know if I love her in the way I did when we got married. I just get filled with anger when I see her. I never wanted my marriage to break down, I never wanted my kids to get upset. My head is hurting through all this. I spoke to my wife last night and although se wants me back and to get a happy family back together I just cannot see it being possible......
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2008): ooops, sorry..will try that again.
http://www.worldnetdaily.com/news/article.asp?ARTICLE_ID=35951
If it doesn't take..just copy and paste.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2008):
I don't think I have been hard on this man. I have merely expressed my thoughts and opinions on this issue, Oldersister, whether you agree or not. I stand by my comments. Check this out, folks. Interesting article.
http://www.worldnetdaily.com/news/article.asp?ARTICLE_ID=35951
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2008): Am I getting this all wrong.? Am I misunderstanding some of the answers here. Are some of you actually, implying a lack of compassion for overweight people?? (the last acceptable prejudice in our society) That it is even suggested she is a lesser person, a lazy human being because she is 'fat', is actually very offensive to hear. How sad for some of you. *sigh*
Your wife is needing help. This is very plain to see. Going to the family doctor for assessment is a productive, good start, in the right direction. Quite honestly, I can't think of any person who 'wants' to be overweight on purpose. The serious health implications. are too great to overlook.
BFG, there are so many other underlying issues that often lead to weight issues. Genetics, environmental factors, psychological issues, Cushings Disease, depression,, etc, etc. Then there are people who gain weight due to past injury or illness, and let's not forget the eating disorders, such as BED (binge eating disorder), or compulsive overeating. In the case of an 'overeater' there are psychological issues that do need extensive, immediate attention. My point, is there is a 'sad, painful reason' why she is this way...she's floundering and she needs support, love and compassion, to getting through this. It takes a good, quality, man with character to stay on course and be committed to see a loved one heal and get back on track. Don't give up, find a new honey and walk out the door, So many people do this because it's the easier, weaker way to dealing with marriage problems. But they forget they leave such a wake of hurt, pain and destruction in their wake. The kids, divorce...the hell. If you think Gastric surgery is expensive, wait until your lawyer's bill comes in the mail. Think hard before you do this. She's your wife and you have two kids, with her, her weight should still not absolve you of your responsibility of being a quality husband and man by helping her through all this.
When she goes to the doctor to discuss gastric bypass, the doctor will first of decide if she's a good candidate, psychologically, emotionally and physically. Perhaps at this consultation, the doctor will pick up on some her emotional underlying causes of 'why' she let herself go this far. He will refer her to counseling. And I hope you have the personal courage to be there all the way, standing behind and caring for her, as she goes through this process.
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reader, Richard_EMids +, writes (12 March 2008):
 I'll put a few points forward for you to consider:
1) How does a gastric by-pass sort out the washing and hoovering?
2) How many hours work does it take for you to earn £10,000? 1000 hours? 2000 hours work maybe deductions & expenses?? These are EXTRA hours you will have to work on top of what you already do.
How many extra hours work can you do a week. Let's say you work an extra hour every day. You will just have to do that for between 4 and 8 years. Unbelievable.
All because she can't be bothered to control her eating or take some exercise. Good luck to you - I wouldn't do it.
3)If this operation is so important - why can't she go out to work and save up £10,000 to have the operation?
4)At the very worst, she could get part-time job, earn say £100 take home per week. Save it all. After 1 year she has £5000. If she's done that, then you could agree the other £5k. But only when she has shown some commitment herself.
Your side of the bargain is that you wait a year and fund the other £5k - still very generous of you.
5) Switching topic now, I understand you moving out for few days is your way of saying "I'm serious" - but to a most people, everyday language should be sufficient.
So why are you having to revert to extreme methods of communication??? Possible explanations are: she doesn't listen to you; she's selfish and puts her needs above all; she takes your presence for granted; you are not important enough for her to change.
6) I stick to what I suggested before. You need to have a plan. A plan that tells you where you are going. It can have contingencies (if this happens then I will do that) but essentially tells you what you need to do. You have already had a bout of having to rely on tablets. You need to plan for you and the kids - start moving forward. If she wants to run and catch up with you - OK - but you start to think/plan only for you and kids. (Not so hard to deal with - imagine she walked out, or died, would you and the kids still manage - of course you would.) Back to the plan - it's hard to do this on your own - go and get some advice. They'll help you - they do it all the time.
7) You have started getting serious - carry on. I wish you well.
Richard
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2008): The surgery is only a bandaide fix. Until you get to the root of the problem, things will not improve much over the long term.Her problem is mental, and if she can find a professional who understands her, her needs and feelings, only then will she begin to heal. From my own experience, you to are in the same boat, but not as harshly as her's.You leaving is good only that it allows you to air out the problems. Staying in the moment of depression, anxiety will not permit you from healing. Getting comfort, understanding, a shoulder to cry on, helps us heal from bad situatons. Visiting the deep side of human nature is fearful for most people, that is why they stay away from it, and try to get those in the moment to divert from it. But if you realize that you can't be affected anymore then what you have been, having a compassionate shoulder for someone to reveal their pains and needs will help them heal, and for you to understand them better. There are no quick fixes in life.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2008): The gastric bypass operation is a very big step, and it's far from a foregone conclusion that the surgeons will intervene due to the simple fact that at that size, she stands a very good chance of dying on the operating table.
I guess she hasn't got much to lose because if she keeps on ballooning like this she'll die an early death anyway, probably through a heart attack. Then there's the cost - 7 years ago a gastric bypass was £10,000 which probably means it'll be £12,000 now. If they do operate, she'll be on vitamin and other supplements for the rest of her life. Then there'll be another operation to remove all the folds of excess skin. At the end of it all there's no guarantee you'll find her any more attractive, or that she will have addressed any underlying reasons for her weight gain.
Far better for her to control her food intake than go through all this. And she'll need your help there.
I speak from experience - my wife died on the operating table having this operation done.
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reader, BFG +, writes (12 March 2008):
BFG is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI hear what you are saying Tellulah, so should I return to my home or give her some more time to show her that i mean what I say ?.
I have been away from the home for 5 nights now, the kids are ok. I just see this as her quick fix... do you know what I mean. £10 k of our money to have this operation is a big strain on our finances as well
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reader, BFG +, writes (12 March 2008):
BFG is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI hear what you are saying Tellulah, so should I return to my home or give her some more time to show her that i mean what I say ?.
I have been away from the home for 5 nights now, the kids are ok. I just see this as her quick fix... do you know what I mean. £10 k of our money to have this operation is a big strain on our finances as well
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reader, TELLULAH +, writes (12 March 2008):
If she is going to that extreme, I would say that she wants to try and do something about it.I think that you owe it to her to see that she gets all the help that you can. Go to the doctors with her, and make sure that the procedure is going to be safe. She may well have other problems, but helping her with the weight one will make a massive impact on both of your lives. I agree with Irish to a point, that you should support your wife and your children shouldn't suffer. But if she wont do anything to help herself, I fail to see how sticking by her will do any of you any good.See her through this, and then see how you feel. But for gods sake, dont have an affair. If she is feeling that low, and wants to have this operation, it would be terrible for her to find out that you couldnt wait.
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reader, BFG +, writes (12 March 2008):
BFG is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI spoke with my wife last night. She has told me that she is going to make an appointment to see the doctor and to be refered for the gastric bypass. So you all may think that she is now doing something about it ??I think her problems run deeper and that the bypass will solve some problems but won't solve all if them. My question is now is can I give her another 12months ??? to see if thinks change or because of what I have done, will the love ever come back??? this is really hard guys :-(
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reader, Richard_EMids +, writes (12 March 2008):
Hi Buddy. It's clear you felt the time had come in November to give your wife a final ultimatum. You did that. You wouldn't have done it if you didn't feel it was warranted. If she hasn't made any reasonable effort to change - then you have your decision. She has made the decision for you.
But - don't use that as justification to go out and find another woman. That will just complicate things. Makes it worse for you. And for your kids.
The decision is made. But now is the question of what you do next.
Custody of the kids is possible - don't fall into the trap of thinking she automatically has them. You can go and take advice yourself - well worth it - even if you have to make a small payment - around £40-£80 for about 3-4 hours advice. On your own. You can talk to a family mediation practice and they will tell what your options are - for kids - for property - for money. Look in Yellow Pages for Family Mediation Services - or ring Citizens Advice and they'll give you a contact.
Once you have considered the options - then you decide HOW you go about this. Believe me, it's much better when you have a plan - and know what you are trying to achieve.
Good Luck, Richard
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reader, Gena Bullock +, writes (11 March 2008):
First of all, why wouldn't your wife want to do something about her obesity? It is obvious you are reaching out for help. Has she considered counseling with you? Have you?Go that route and get back to me...that'll answer a big question I have. Then we can go from there. Good luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2008): I refuse to believe that an overweight wife is reason to uproot and destroy a marriage. With 2 children that need their family to stay intact. Your wife doesn't love herself, that is plain. But I know many happily married couples, where one of them is a person of size and that had absolutely no bearing on either spouse's feelings of love for each other. So give us an inside view on your wife here. Does she ignore you? and treat you disdainfully? Do you both communicate? Does she have opinions, desires and personality? Sense of humor? Does your wife have goals? Any purpose? to her life? Does she do activities, outside the home? Volunteering, hobbies? Did she used to work..have a career? Is she a smart woman that wants to aspire in life? Does she have dreams? If so, can you help her achieve that? Exactly what type of person is she? Kind, compassionate, horrid and evil? What are her ideals? Her values? You tell us that she is fat...that you do not like the look of her and physically, you resent her. Is that all there is to this?
Well, when marriages go awry...the obvious alternative most people do, is not to deal with the reality in a constructive manner. The cheating part of your posting is what got to me. Some people take the weaker route and commit infidelity. But yes, I agree...in every marriage both spouses must bring the best of themselves to a union. Sometimes along the way, some spouses flounder. Some men get beer bellys, some cheat, get petulant, some women get depressed, uncaring and cheat, too. So now..here you have an overweight wife, who "you view as fat and unloving" But...because I know that "no woman'" wants to be this way, on purpose, I am seeing her as being really depressed and suffering from low self-esteem. She has given up on herself, become complacent, and it's likely a depression problem. There is a reason for that.
Can you not ask her to go to a family doctor for an assessment? Can you not go with her? Can you not state, that you want this marriage to work and what needs to be done to get there. But I for one, am not going to tell you, to dump her and get a divorce and devastate the lives of your children. No matter how uninterested she is in them, you don't state she is an 'horrible, unfit' mother. You do not talk of abuse in any form in the marriage and family, you do not state anything about addiction, (where did that come from) but you do talk of adultry, your own adultry. So what this may come down to...is she is not your 'ideal' of what you find attractive, anymore, even though she was a bigger woman, when you married her. You loved her then. Open, honest and sensitive communication is necessary to break down this mountain of resentments. If she won't go to counseling. Go yourself to find ways on how to deal with this. If this flow of frustration coming from you is so permanent, it may be too late for that. Only you can decide that. Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2008): Your in a tough predicament, and finding a solution will be tough, and any action you take, you will always second guess yourself as to whether you made the best decision.
I'm in a similar boat as yourself as to communication and feelings involved. Not sure yet what I will do, but because of finances, and myself being depressed, I'm taking it one day at a time.
I would only suggest you consider your options well. Consider raising your kids yourself if your wife is agreeable. You will no doubt have to make money to support two families, yours and hers.
Being with the kids more by taking them to parks may help you and be good for the kids and your wife, giving her time to think things out. Keeping yourself away from her will help you heal I think. When relationships are in a down hill slide, it is extremely tough not to get depressed. Getting depressed though only makes the situation harder to bare. Asking her friends or family members may bare some information on her problem. Talking to her doctor to run some test might help. When the person isn't willing to help you understand, I think we humans have a tendency to think all kinds of things that answer what might be wrong (speculation).
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reader, TELLULAH +, writes (11 March 2008):
It is iresponsible of your wife to let herself get that size. What about the effect it has on her health, and how your children would feel if they lost a parent. I would lay down the law, tell her to see a doctor and lose some weight. If she refuses, and wants to stay the way she is, then leave her. Why should you put up with her looking like that.
I am not small myself a size 12-14, and I am only just over 5ft. But if I started to get over a size 14 I would be really worried. And I know for a fact my partner would hate it. If he put on a lot of weight I would try my best to help him lose it. But if he wollowed in self pity eating himself to death.... I would be out the door.
Its nothing to do with not loving them, its your life and if she wants to waste her life like this, then why should you watch.
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reader, BFG +, writes (11 March 2008):
BFG is verified as being by the original poster of the questionirish49... You are right in what you are saying I haven't been the the most faithful husband, but I have tried to go to marriage guidence but she will not consider it. I am not constantly reminding her. I have been supportive for years. It is only this year that I have made my feeling hard for her not to miss. I i truely belive that she does not love me, although when asked she says she does.I am really don't know what to do
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reader, BFG +, writes (11 March 2008):
BFG is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI do love my wife and I wouldn't want to see any harm come to her, but I honestly dont know if I love in the way it was when we got married. I woke up so to speak at the begining of this year and decided that I didnt want to 60 and look back with regrets. This is a huge decision I want to make.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2008): No you don't love your wife. You are staying because of your children and this marriage is hanging by a thread. Let's admit that. If you loved her, you would meet your marriage/family obligations and seek any means to help her through all this and you would not 'step out'. Your committment to honor is being tested by temptations and so far, you have given up your integrity and values, in this marriage to have a fling. Then I would say, you are behaving like a man with no regard for his promise to her, to the kids. So sad.
Sir, your wife and the mother of your kids, is floundering, she is weakened emotionally and she sounds depressed and very unhappy. Your wife is aware she has put on weight. She is aware you do not find her sexually attractive anymore. She is aware she lacks interest in the children. It likely you aren't allowing her to heal through that pain by seeking ways to help but through constant reminding. Usually when a wife gains weight and let's herself go, and she's with a man who ego and sel-involved needs wants having a 'barbie for a wife.. As a result, he has begun the negative path to 'unlove her' and to detach from her. He now seeks others to accomodate so he has begun the process of destroying this marriage himself. Take responsibility for your actions. I know you are frustrated, I know you are angry with her.
But her self-esteem is at an all time low and she is depressed. Something has happened in the life of this marriage that has caused this. And as far as I'm concerned, it take two. You need to find out what that is and get into marriage counseling with her. And if the both of you can get through this together, you need to start lovingly encouraging her to get back on track with her health and weight issues.
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reader, starfairy +, writes (11 March 2008):
 Your life is slipping away with no enjoyment or happiness.
I don't condone cheating but I don't blame you for wanting to!!
Leave your wife. She couldn't care less about your happiness, if she can't even give you a hug??
It'll be tough on your kids, but life is hard. You can make sure you spend plenty of quality time with them on weekends etc.
My parents divorced almost 10 years ago. Us kids live with my Dad, couldn't be happier. Both parents are much happier apart, my siblings and I got ALOT more quality time with my Dad, it all worked out for the best.
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reader, BFG +, writes (11 March 2008):
BFG is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have been supportive through out. for the last 3 years i have made the move to instigate a kiss and a cuddle to only be pushed away and be told I was only after one thing. There is only so may times you can you can let this happen and then you start thinking there is something wrong with me.... I have tried guys I honestly have, It came to the point where we might as well just be brother and sister... I am lost.... I love my kids.... but I am not missing my wife..... do I go back for the kids ???? If I do and nothing changes I know that I will more than likely look else where for wot is missing in my life .... I really need some inspration
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reader, starfairy +, writes (11 March 2008):
Make a list of the reasons you are unhappy - see what your wife says, will she work at this?
Do youw ant to leave her because of her size etc, or simply because you don't love her anymore?
If the love is still there, stay and work, but make your wife aware that she must work too.
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