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male
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*hris-B
writes: Dear Friends. I'm keeping this short, so just multiply everything I say by 35 years and you'll understand how I feel about this problem. I have Cerebral Palsy. How this comes out in me is in my face, I look like a reject from one of Freddy Krueger's nightmares. Now, I know this because my last job was working with an old lady as her helper. She said I was the best helper she'd ever had - but she was getting rid of me because my face gave her nightmares! Remember, like all these paragraphs, that's just one example. I can give many, many more. Relationships? Friendships? Forget them. You try to join a group and they shy away as if someone from Planet of the Apes had just walked in the room. I've gone up to people in bars I thought I knew quite well, said hallo to them, they've taken me to one side and told me straight not to recognise them when they were with their friends! This has just cost me my last relationship. I was good friends with a lady who was a community nurse. She began seeing me less and less, then I bumped into her with a group of her friends in a bar and she flatly refused to see me. So I went up to her and she looked very embarrassed, and said she'd text me soon. Her friends were looking at me and sniggering, so I finished my drink and left. And now she flatly refuses to have any more to do with me either. I text her, she seldom answers. When she does, if I've asked her if she'd like to do something nice, she always evades it saying 'work's getting in the way'. If it's a day she's previously said she has free, she says she's doing overtime! I haven't spent any time with her for the last month. Other friends, forget it. Disabled people count me as able-bodied and join in their own cliques, from which I'm excluded. That's fair enough, that's how all able-bodied are treated - either as helpers or infiltrators! Thing is, the able-bodied ones there think of me as disabled, so I'm not allowed to help or fit in with either side. Tried joining 2 College courses. Got booted off both after 1 day because the teachers told me straight out they didn't think I LOOKED capable of doing the work. They hadn't given me anything to do, yet they wouldn't even give me the chance to prove I could have handled the courses. Which I promise you I could. Easily. My father died recently, and I wasn't even allowed to go to his funeral. I wasn't even told of his death by my mother or sister; the man who told me was the man who'd burgled me when I was in hospital recovering from a badly burned foot. Why was the foot burned? I had been working behind the teabar in a day centre for the unemployed. One of the girls there didn't like a disabled person working behind the teabar, so she chucked the tea-urn full of boiling water at me! ('What's that bleeping spastic doing behind the teabar?' Her words!) I try to join in, people tell me where to go. I try to fit in with groups, they tell me to go back to the Munsters! I get pushed down flights of stairs by kids, I get pelted with stones, coke bottles, left over McDonaldburgers by kids. I've never managed to fit in with a group, or have friends, in my entire life. I've got 14 perfectly good qualifications, including an HND equivalent, yet when I go for jobs they ask me if I can read the forms by myself. They don't ask the other candidates that. I've listened carefully. In spite of applying for countless jobs, I've been unemployed for most of my adult life. Please, someone, where do I go from here? How do I make friends, manage to fit into unsupervised social groups, maybe even get to take a girl out one day? If any of you have seen the Elephant Man movie, everything that happened to him has happened to me. My life parallels his. Except he DID get accepted at one point. I still haven't. And it's becoming SUCH an uphill struggle, I'm seriously wondering if there's any point. I'm ending this here, but I'd LOVE to have some feedback, sometime.Thanx. Chris-B.
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female
reader, Country Woman  +, writes (28 April 2006):
 Hi Chris
I have to be honest I read your question on Monday and I am so sorry it has taken me so long to get back to you but like the others have said I didn't want to give you meaningless words but it has really bothered me and it has taken me some time to find your question again so big apologies for not getting back to you sooner.
Chewy definitely has his finger on the pulse and I can totally agree with his comments. Unfortunately we often react to first impressions as that is how we have all grown up since children, we look at one another first and try to read all the signs that we give out in eye movements and expressions and perhaps the people you have come across are just not that skilled in seeing deeper into someone than just first glance.
The people who have been mean to you are not worth a cent and I think they are the ones who are missing out as you sound like a fantastic guy. People who are also suffering with cerebral palsy need to be more aware that just cos you are able bodied doesn't mean that you don't need their friendship either.
I think that as you can express yourself so well in words you might try going onto a dating site and then you can select on certain sites that you are just looking for friendship which might lead to romance or just friendship. This would then increase your circle of friends and allow lots of people to get to know you without judging you on first appearances. I am sure that you would end up with a fantastic bunch of friends possibly male and female and your confidence would soar ten fold.
We all lack confidence at different times in our lives and liking ourselves is the key to that. I am seriously overweight and not happy every day but I still want to lose the weight and be healthy for my 5 year daughter. I have osteo arthritis in my spine and so the exercise can start but I have to stop when my back is in agony and my asthma has got worse over the last few years and probably due to the stress of my relationship ending after almost 20 years so lots of steroids which don't help the weight. But even though I get looked up and down and people think all I do is stuff cakes into my mouth all day, it just isn't true. The skinny women always look great when they go out but I am always hiding my size and never feeling sexy or trendy and being able just to walk in a shop and get the small sizes.
BTW did you ever report the woman for hurting you at the teabar, I would have got her back in some way as that is actual bodily harm.
We all have issues but trying to stay positive and cheerful gets us through.
You have now got at least 5 more friends who have listened to you and tried to help in some small way so we are always here for you so you can chat anytime you know.
Stay strong and no one can put you down and if they pass a comment come back with something really good and sarcastic.
Your family have treated you appallingly and there is no excuse for that, just don't give anyone the satisfaction that you are going to give up.
Life is for the living and you need to embrace it whole heartedly and as Chewy said perhaps thinking about travelling and seeing new sights and sounds and meeting new people would be a fantastic way to start. Start with small steps and then you may suprise yourself.
Take care of yourself and don't let the b******s grind you down!!! Sorry not swearing really. A saying instead.
BFN
A
female
reader, Bobbyjo +, writes (26 April 2006):
 Im so sorry to hear what you have to go through each day, but I have to agree with Chewabaca - there are other people all over the world who will accept you for who you are and by travelling and meeting new people I am sure you will soon gain the love and respect you surely deserve. Some people can be so cruel and only look at a persons appearance without getting to know them first, but by what you have said you seem like such a nice, caring and respectful individual and that makes you much, much better then those who wish to make your life hell. You have been through alot and each thing has made you a stronger person but you never seem to give up and thats the best thing. So keep doing what your doing, helping people, meetng people and being friendly to people and I promise you in time you will see that not everybody out there is cruel and unkind, and always remember that you are just as special and beautiful as the next person, because you are. xx
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reader, Angel-lee +, writes (25 April 2006):
That is terrible! people can be so cruel sometimes. I know it seems difficult at the moment but when you start liking yourself for who you really are then you wont let what others say bother you. Its not whats on the outside, its whats on the inside that counts, i know its a cliche but it is true. These people who snigger at you may be beautiful on the outside but believe me, they are so ugly on the inside! next time someone looks at you like your worthless, take a deep breath and think about all the things that you like about yourself, all the things that make you, you and remember that the people who snigger at you, call you names and make you feel down in the dumps, really arent worth your time! one day you will meet a friend or a partner, when you least expect it, someone who loves you for who you are and not what you look like. As you grow up you will realise that people just arent worth your time! dont let people like that bother you, they are nothings!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2006): Hi Chris,
You know what, im not sure what to say to you that might make you feel any better. It sounds to me like you have never receieved an ounce of the respect you desereve. Plus it sounds like even your family arent surportive of you. I wasnt going to reply to you at first as i didnt want to blurt out aload of stuff that wouldnt mean much or help much but when i saw that you had yet to receive any replies i couldnt just ignore you and let you feel like once again no one cares. Reading your story made me wana give you such a big hug, i cant ever begin to imagen how day to day life makes you feel but its a shame that the world is such a way now that everyone is judged on their apperences and not their personality. It seems like you have been unlucky with the people that you have met through life and to be fair they all sound rather shallow and well, like arseholes! It might not help loads but i just want to let you know that not everyone out there is like that and i hope so much that your life starts to get better and you get the respect and love you do deserve. X X X
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male
reader, Chewbacca +, writes (25 April 2006):
Buddy that sounds harsh.I fully believe it may be the people you've met or tried to socialise with. There are people out there who can see past the exterior, and accept you for who you are.I've had all sorts of friends, disabled, various races, various nationalities, and also with cosmetic differences. Never let it stop me being friends with them - and I know there are many others out there willing to do the same.I now live in England, however previously I lived in a majority American society. Certainly not all americans are the same (I have some very good american friends), however I found looks are held in high regard for the majority. There's always the hero that everone aspires to and the geek/villain that everyone despises. You can see it in films etc, the humour revolves around the geek, or the misfit - every film has the hero that defeats or belittles the villain or fool. This reflects the attitude of many people.Here, our humour revolves around ridiculing yourself. We are able to laugh at ourselves and we always support the underdog.My point is not to start a national hate campaign against myself, but to point out the fact that maybe travelling, visiting different places or just meeting new people could be your solution. There are people out there who will accept you for who you are, if I ever met you, I certainly would.Good luck man.Chewy
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