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female
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anonymous
writes: This sounds like a really stupid question, but this is REALLY important it's scaring me. Is it possible for so many awful things to happen in your life that all the bad feelings they build up inside of you turn you, well...evil? sounds stupid i know, but i really scare myself sometimes. My childhood was pretty fucked up; my dad was sent to prison for sexual harrassment towards teenage girls, my brother went off the rails and tried to kill himself, then threatened the policemen who were trying to restrain him, and my mother was so scarred from my dad and brother that she became a wreck, devoting all her time to my brother and forgetting i exist. I was also sexually abused by my babysitter when i was 11. After all this i found it hard to 'let people in', always keeping up these walls around me so that i couldn't get hurt. Then i finally let someone in and fell completely in love, only to find out he was cheating on me, and he never loved me at all. recently i scare myself with my obsessions with blood, death, pain and generally watching people suffer. I've had these horrible feelings for a while, but i feel as though since the breakup everything has been emphasised a million times. I frequently have dreams in which i am killing people or being violent towards them. i cut myself because i like the pain and seeing the blood and i love how it tastes. Sometimes i fantasize about killing people, plotting how i would do it. I'm so scared of myself, of what i'll do next, i don't know where to turn to. Are these the thoughts of a potential criminal? Am i destined to become a murderer or some kind of criminal mastermind? Please help me (and be nice, don't make me feel any more worse and crazy than i already do)
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female
reader, PrunellaGringepith +, writes (25 April 2006):
 I would really urge you to seek some proffesional help for your problems. If you fell off a bike and broke your arm you would seek help from a doctor. The things that have happened to you in your past have wounded you in just the same way, and their is no shame in seeing a doctor about these emotional injuries. Talk to your GP, or a school or college councellor (not sure how old you are) and get referred to someone who can help you.
And please, please, stop hurting yourself! I carry the scars today from the days I cut myself, they are a constant remeinder of the pain I have felt in the past. There is a way to start feeling better, but this is not it.
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