| A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: Hi Aunts and Uncles. Long story short. My boyfriend of 5 yrs left me back in July. We were having some problems at the time except we always used to work them out. But that day, he just gave up on me and ghosted me. I couldn't even get him to talk it out. He seemed so final and I was taken by surprise. We loved each other and it seemed out of nowhere he just let me go. The disagreement wasn't one to throw in the towel over. I felt like he just needed any excuse to get out of the relationship at the time. Fast forward to this week. I found texts between my boyfriend and some chick that lives close to his place. It looks like they have been having a fling since around the time he dumped me. I had suspicions at the time and that's why we had disagreements. He kept telling me I was paranoid and that I was wrong. So he decided to free himself of the hassles and go be with her. The fighting was escalating and now I know my intuition was right. My question is now he's back. He's been trying to tell me how much he loves me and came back because he can't let me go. He doesn't know that I know about this chick. He's been bending over backwards to make me happy and is even jealous of my guy friend who I have been talking to (not romantically) since he dumped me. He's really going all out. I don't understand why he just ghosted me and went to be with her and now he's back again trying to say how much he loves me and he wants to work on our relationship because he wants to spend the rest of his life with me?Is he for real?Should I believe him?
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (18 October 2020):
 Would you read a book over and over and expect the ending to be different from the first time you read it? Of course not, because that would be insane. Yet people take back people who treat them badly every day and wonder what went wrong when the pattern repeats itself.
I believe the universe sends us "lessons" in the form of people we meet. If we refuse to learn those lessons, they will be repeated until we do. By all means, if you haven't learned your lesson already, take this man back so that you can repeat the lesson (repeatedly if needs be) until you learn to protect yourself from people who treat you inconsiderately and rudely, until you learn your own worth.
The first time someone does this to you is on them, because you were not to know the cruelty, rudeness and selfishness of which they were capable. Anything after that is on YOU, your CHOICE, so you need to choose wisely. Do you think taking him back would be a wise choice? Remember how he made you feel when he just disappeared from your life and ask yourself if you want to go through that again. If you take him back, remember that was your CHOICE and don't feign shock/surprise when he treats you badly again.
I hope you choose wisely.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2020): Well, you're in the indomitable age-bracket for an unmarried-female; that being one approaching, or over, 40!
I've been here with DC for a long-time. Advising those ladies (either post-breakup, or on the brink) in long-term relationships (often on-and-off with the same guy); frequently asking for our advice, but their minds are already made up to take them back, or not let them go! No matter what heinous or hideous-offence they've committed. Fearing their options are limited, or their search in the dating-pool is hindered by the mythical-notion men always/only want younger-women. As if!
They also yield to the false-notion that their prospects are limited due to their age, fluffiness, and battle with gravity. Tell that to those confident mature-women who pick and chose; and won't allow their age to impede their pursuits for love and romance. They make up their minds what they want, and they get it! I personally know several as close-friends. Two remarried although pushing 50, or were 50, at the time. Where there's a will, there's a way, sweetheart!
Reality-check! How do they find these desperate young-females who'd take anything as long as he's male and breathing??? Nevermind the fact that a balding jowly paunchy-guy over 50 doesn't have that much luck with lovely-ladies in their prime and glory. He might be fit and forty; but time stands-still for no-one! Lest he has a pretty hefty bank-account! Those viagra-popping hipsters who flash-cash and drive sporty-vehicles that scream "I'm up to my neck in a mid-life crisis; and my youth has fled me!!!" Well, they might have better than a snowball's chance, but who wants to keep anybody like that anyway??? They submit to the fact they can't keep-up with these young-chickadees; and their accountants drag them back kicking and screaming to the world of reality and truth. If he's broke, oh just forgetabout it!!! If your guy is still in his 30's, and has never been married? You will be his perpetual-girlfriend from now until you lose-shape and wrinkle; and he probably will end-up marrying somebody younger! Blame yourself! You don't know what you're worth, and held-out too long!
As we all get older, we look at love and life in a different way. We are slower to make changes that impact our lives. We aunts and uncles have to either penetrate or somehow get around the disclaimer, rather spoken or implied..."but I love him!" Therefore, I don't mince words; and I will tell it to you straight!
I've made this frank commentary at the risk of offending you; therefore, I must argue my case, and clarify what I'm attempting to convey to you (including other women reading this post probably seething with rage, indignant, and totally appalled.) Let-go your pearls, ladies...I'm not finished!
He ghosted you because he thinks you think like those desperate-females who believe they have few or no options. He also knows you have a prideful/territorial female-ego that won't let you be beat-out by some random floozy! Buddy-boy realizes somebody else is taking notice of what he took for granted; and left in a lurch, to chase a pair of panties out-there somewhere!
He's the horny-dog who ran out the open-gate; and now he returns home in the pouring-rain. Dirty and hungry, with his tail between his legs! He humped some bee-yotch in-heat around the block; and has been MIA so-long, now there's a possible replacement easing his way in on what he has left behind. Naturally. he wants to come home to mama! On groveling on his hands and knees! Were you waiting on-hold? Were you pathetically sitting and stewing in anticipation, wringing your hands, waiting to hear from him? Do you recall what he did and who he was doing it to???
I say to you. Gather all your dignity and female-pride. Remember he dumped you, and you know exactly why!!! You cannot possibly let him slide on this one; because he will know for sure, that if he did it again, you'd take him back! (As you may have when it happened before!)
Bear this in-mind, my dear. All he has to do is keep-up this act; and tell you how much he "loves" you, until you cave-in. He'll fist-pump and know for sure, this one is a real sucker for sweettalk and puppy-eyes! I'll just lay it on heavier the next time I dump her pitiful gullible-ass! A big sloppy sweet-n-sappy helping of the L-word always gets 'em!!!
"Should I believe him?" Seriously, girlfriend?!!
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A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (17 October 2020):
 If he cheated once, he is capable of cheating again. I i don't think that you should let him back into your life to find out.
He has lied to you, been unfaithful to you, left you in the lurch, and has been an awful person, and i think that you deserve better than him.
I think if you take him back, he may be all nice in the beginning, but i assure you he will let you down again.
Personally i think that the chick he was seeing probably saw him for what he is, a lying cheat. And now finding himself alone is reaching out to old flames begging them to take him back.
No don't consider taking this cheat back in to your life. Delete him of of everything you have and move on with your life.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (17 October 2020):
 No, you should not believe him. Particularly knowing how he can be a self-serving liar when his convenience dictates it.
It's pretty obvious that you are plan B, "old-reliable" upon which to fall if plan A ( the other girl ) does not work out.
He did not even come clean with you, fessing up that he had his head temporarily turned by another woman, but then he realized his mistake etc.etc. No. Total silence.
To me that suggests that he is not committed at all to make sure he never screws up again . He would probably coast along with you for a while, untile a newer , more exciting " plan C " comes up- then - rinse and repeat. The arguments, the lies, the ghosting...
Wasn't once enough of that crap for your tastes ?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (17 October 2020):
 Sorry, OP if I am going to be kind of blunt here but I think it's best to call it as I see it.
You write:" We loved each other and it seemed out of nowhere he just let me go."
No, honey. YOU loved him. He loved himself and CHEATED on you with someone else, WHO he also DUMPED you for.
He tried to gas light the FIRE out of you, claiming "He kept telling me I was paranoid and that I was wrong." THAT is gaslighting. LYING to your face making this about YOU being crazy for even thinking he could be cheating. Except... HE WAS CHEATING.
WHY on Earth would you want to take that slime-ball back?
You DO know that he thinks you are an idiot, right? That he ghosted you because he had and HAS no respect for you.
He didn't even think he owed you an explanation as to why he ghosted you.
He thinks if he just says the sweet right" things you will take him back.
He wants you back because the other woman didn't work out. She probably saw through his bull-shit. You are the fall back woman. The one who he thinks will take care of him emotionally and sexually UNTIL he can find someone he REALLY wants to be with.
WANT more for yourself.
Should you believe him? Hell no! Did he not call you paranoid while lying TO your face?
Why should he be telling you the truth now?
Don't be so gullible. Life is too short to waste it on users like him.
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