A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi. Me and a friend decided to have a relationship 3 years ago. its been a bit rocky from after 2 month of dating things were always on and off with him and after a couple of years he started opening up about his past things I didn't know of and commitment was an issue. Ive tried to be easier with him because he suffers with ptsd. I know he tells lies about stupid stuff and he does it to create a long space between us as he's 'struggling ' the latest lie was hes had surgery and amazingly after 2 month he claims to have no scars. With the surgery he claimed to have had he would have 2 very large deep scars but not him. My other friend had keyhole surgery a year ago and still has faint markings from it. If i ever try and call him out on things he makes it into an argument and its all my fault and then he goes silent for a couple of months. The other part that's getting to me is he hardly ever messages. If I message him im told im nagging him and want too much I send a coupleo f messages to make sure he's alright and just basic general things people say to each other when they're in a relationship. I know its never going to be easy with him and I dont want to be glued together 24/7 but I miss having a few messages a week to actually feel wanted. Its like everything has to revolve around him. We dont get to see each other every week because of his issues then he tells me once a week doesn't cut it ! He knows that's not an issue for me. I know people will say find someone else and he knows I could get someone else (we broke up for almost a year and I had another relationship in that time) he still deserves a chance of happiness but id like to know if anyone is in a relationship with someone with ptsd and how they have managed to get through things , thanks
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2020): You say you are making it work despite his ptsd yet there are all these problems, so it is not working.What help does he get for his ptsd, therapy/ counselling etc?Please stop kidding yourself into believing that it is working.Maybe it would be the same without the ptsd, or still a problem without it, but I think it is contributing to it.It also seems that he wants to be able to use it as his get out of jail card each time he is mean or in the wrong.Almost a if he is glad to be able to wave the banner and say hey, I can do anything, I can be a pig, I can be as horrible as I want, because I have ptsd.What do you get out of this?Feeling superior to him. Feeling as if you are helping him. You are not helping him at all. You are enabling him to behave this way. You choose to put up with it but when he is like this with others they will shun him. I have known of many cases of a person wanting to be in a relationship with someone who is disabled because they believe that the disabled one really needs them, it gives them a lovely warm glow. But what is the point if the disabled one is only with you because nobody else wants them and would rather be with someone else if they had better choices?You can make him need you and lean on you but where does it get either of you - in the long run - you go backwards.
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (18 October 2020):
 I completely agree with your statement that this guy "deserves a chance of happiness". Do you not think YOU deserve happiness as well though? Do you think his happiness takes priority over yours? Do you even think you can make him happy? You certainly don't sound happy with this ersatz relationship.
I may be way off course, but I suspect the PTSD is just another lie. When someone tells you lie after lie, why would you believe anything they tell you? Even if the PTSD is genuine, it is no excuse for constant lies. I say that because you come across as excusing his lying due to his (alleged) PTSD.
Sweetheart, you need to wake up and understand there is no relationship here. There is no future here. Why are you wasting time on trying to force this square peg into a round hole? Remain friends with him by all means (although I would advise against this too as your agenda is for him to be more than that) but he is not boyfriend or husband material as he is.
He reminds me of someone I dated for a few months when I was in my 20s. I was completely infatuated with this guy. I realize with the benefit of maturity and experience that the main attraction was that there were so many other young women in our circle who were infatuated with him at the time and I felt "special" because he chose to date me. He told constant lies about everything. Turned out this was to cover up seeing other women all the time. When someone lies consistently, they usually have a reason for it. They are usually pushing you away so that they have time for other stuff or other people.
This guy obviously has issues. If he truly has PTSD, then I hope he is receiving support. It is not your job to fix him. Your job is to be happy. I cannot envisage you finding happiness in this situation.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2020): This answer applies to you as well:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/my-long-term-boyfriend-ghosted-me-had-a.html
PTSD is not the same illness for everybody. It depends on the type of man he is; whether he is capable of change. It depends on how deep the damage of his trauma goes. It depends on how he responds to counseling and therapy. It depends on whether he is a spiritual-man with faith; who believes there is a Higher-Power and Authority with the capacity to heal him.
He has to want to change. Your post is a testimonial that he doesn't want to. You think you can make it work, just because others have.
You're dealing with the man you've got! It is unrealistic, and almost childish-thinking; to believe there's some one-size fits-all solution that you can put to use to make him a better person. The only one you can change is yourself; and the only one he can change is himself...if he wants to! He has a situation that it isn't really necessary.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2020): Read your own post. PTSD doesn't excuse people for bad-behavior, abuse, or lying.
You're allowing PTSD to be his pass for doing all sorts of things; and you attribute everything to it.
He is a bad-match and a lousy boyfriend. He isn't going to change. Your real question is not how can you make it work? It is how do I change him into the kind of man that I want him to be?
That's a very easy question, if you had come right-out and asked.
You dump him, and you go find someone factory-equipped with the good-character and the kind of personality that you're looking for. You can't take a man set in his ways, particularly one given to lying; and think you can smother him in love and change him.
In a nutshell, you dump him; and you replace him. You will never change him.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (17 October 2020):
 I am glad that Honeypie can bring her own real life experience of how ptsd works, while mine only comes from things I have studied , many many years ago as for that , but I was going to object the same : but ptsd does not turn you into a pathological ,compulsive liar. If he lies , it's because he chooses to do it; saying " his illness made him do it " has the same validity as saying " the Devil made him do it ". Btw, is this how HE explains his lies, or is this how YOU explain them ? Because admitting that he is willingly trying to make a fool of you is too painful ?
Also, who diagnosed this ptsd, when, and how it is being treated ... if it is being treated ?
Does he see a therapist, does he take meds ?.. Since how long ?
In short , do you know if he is making any conscious, constant effort improve his condition and to manage his symptoms, at least ?...
Or his attitude is : I've got ptsd, suck it up ?
...Actually, from what you say , that IS basically his attitude, ( if it's even true that he has this condition ! ...) and that you go along with it, makes no sense and is self-punitive.
He still deserves a chance of happiness ? So do you, don't you ? And since this on/ off relationship , and the horrible way he treats you, are making you unhappy- wouldn't it be smarter and healthier to remove from your life the person who makes you so unhappy ? ..
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (17 October 2020):
 How is that you say "he still deserves a chance of happiness " but you don't mention that YOU ALSO deserves a chance of happiness? And from what you write you are NOT happy.
You already KNOW it didn't work out in the past, NOTHING has changed.
He wants you to say "how high" when he says jump, when HE wants contact - everything DOES revolve around him. Because THAT is what he wants, THAT is all he has to offer. It will be a totally ONE SIDED relationship where you GIVE and GIVE, and he just takes and treats you like shit if you ask for more, question you or put yourself first.
THAT isn't about ptsd. You CAN make a relationship work with someone with ptsd, IF they ACKNOWDGE that they need to seek help and actually SEEK help OR if they are GOOD at managing the ptds.
This guy? Isn't. He is USING the ptsd to have you FEEL sorry for him. You are also using his ptsd to excuse his atrocious behavior. And why it's OK for him to use you like this, to treat you like the way he is.
Are you sure he isn't "talking" to someone else as well? I wouldn't be surprised if he was using several women at a time. Those who just ignore the lying, the silent treatment, calling YOU wrong, starting arguments.. It's GALSLIGHTING 101. So when YOU don't behave how he wants he punishes you with a dose of silent treatment. Who knows he probably talks to someone else so that HE can get whatever he want at all times. Attention, affection, maybe money, pity, whatever.
I think it's UNREALISTIC to think HE will change for YOU. And I think it's unfair for you to think that HIS happiness matters more than yours.
What is it about him, that you REALLY want to be around? Does it outweigh all the bad?
Can it work? Sure, if you ignore ALL the lies, pretend that everything he tells you is true, that you cater to all his whims and always puts him first. BUT that isn't a relationship worth a pot of piss.
I live with someone with ptsd. Combat veteran. And it's not easy. The reason we work on it is because we have had a long marriage and ARE committed, and because he is mostly managing the ptsd, he doesn't lie and tell fantastical stories, he doesn't ignore me and just fob off on his own when I bring up things he doesn't want to hear. And even a 20+ marriage doesn't mean I will just "take one for the team" and focus on his happiness.
You might think you HELP him by dating him and jumping through all these hoops for him but what you are is enabling a really unhealthy situation. You are perpetuating it. And for whatever reason you are punishing yourself with this thinking that YOUR love can fix him, ONLY you can make him whole, make him happy. It's nonsensical.
Sorry if that was blunt, that was just my thoughts on this.
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