A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am on a long distance relationshipI find her that she wouldn't tell me everything she does until the last moment. It upsets me a lot and I tend to think she doesn't trust me. Last week she would buy dress, she only told me after wearing it to the family party. I asked her for a pix in the party and she refused and send me a one with from home with wearing a t-shirt.I tend to feel betrayed.When I talk to her about it, she thinks I am abusiveI love her a lot and I only wish she would understand me better.How can I make her understand in a way she wouldn't find it abusive?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2015): There are so many possibilities.
One one hand I don't think she has to tell you every little move she makes. You don't need to know when she buys a dress. Unless you're paying for it.
Now on the other hand...you're in a long distance relationship. I understand you're trying to keep a connection with her by keeping in constant communication. Telling each other everything makes you feel closer and like you're still involved in each other's life. You want to feel important. So by her not telling you...you felt left out. Which is understandable.
But...By her saying you're abusive. I tend to think there's more going on. Maybe it's you're approach. Maybe she doesn't like the way you ask her questions. Maybe she doesn't like feeling like she has to constantly check in with you.
You asked her to send you a pic of her in the dress. Were you worried that the dress was too sexy or revealed too much. Are you the type to start and argument over her choice of clothes? There has to be a reason why she didn't send you a pic.
Personally I don't think long distance relationships ever really work because you're living two separate lives. It's hard to tell the other person everything. It's even harder to trust and feel secure when you don't spend quality time together.
I think you have to sit down with her and ask her why she calls you abusive. Either you are and left out the other reasons why she thinks your abusive. Or you're not and she's using "abusive" as a way to push you away or make you feel like your doing something wrong.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (22 November 2015):
 So your gf called you abusive... well you are lucky she called you something, at least. Most girls I know would just call ...everything off between you, if they happened to chance into someone so controlling.
Why does she have to tell you first when she buys a dress ?? Why has she got to show it to you ? what are you, a fashion designer ?!
I guess that probably in the past you have taken upon yourself to exercise right of approval on her clothing, and to criticize anything that in your opinion is not modest enough , and that could attract looks for other males. And probably she got fed up of this , and find bher way atound the issue by telling you things AFTER they are done, or at he very last moment. A bit passive agressive,yes. Then again, people does not want to argue every moment about inanaites and , pardon me, OP, but do you sound like the
type who stirs tempests in a teacup.
Ditto for telling you her plans last minute- granted, maybe she coud be a beyyer planner and organizer, - then again, how does it bother you, since you are long distance ?
Like, if you were in the same town and she tells you on Friday night that she is going to visit friends in another town during the weekend, clearly there's a problem, because the most normal thing would be for you two to coordinate your schedules so that you can spend enough time together.
But, since you are long distance, and, in the example I gave, you would NOT be together during the weekend anyway, so what's the difference if she tells you with lots or notice, or just short notice ?...
Again, I suspect that maybe you question / supervise / challenge any move she makes, so that's the way she takes to escape your quasi-parental control.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2015): I don't really understand why she has to tell you about buying a dress. She's a girl, girls wear dresses. From what you write I get the feeling that you wanted a picture of her in the dress to see if you think it's inappropriate or modest. Correct me if I'm wrong but that's what it sounds like to me.If you are in a long distance relationship I don't quite understand why you need to know all of her plans. If you saw each other all of the time then it's better to tell each other of plans in advance so you can see each other around this. But if you aren't with her and where she goes doesn't affect your plans to see each other then why do you need to know everything she is doing?The way you say you feel betrayed by her telling you things at the last minute is a bit OTT. That isn't being abusive but it is being controlling.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (21 November 2015):
 It might be she only decides to do some things at the last moment. What sorts of things exactly is she supposed to give you advance notice of?
She's not obliged to give you advance notice of everything she does, everywhere she goes and everything she wears. Nor is she obliged to furnish pictures on demand. I suspect she feels crowded by you, with all the questions, requests and complaints.
I wouldn't call you abusive either, but like Honeypie, I too think your post does make you seem controlling and a bit clingy.
How long have you been together? Have you met in person? If so how many times? Do you have a solid plan and a date set for one or both of you to relocate? If not, I don't know what the point of all this is. If you want to be close to someone you're dating, then perhaps you should date someone local.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (21 November 2015):
 She bought a dress.... Did you pay for it? Or did she?
Is SHE bought it... so what if she didn't want to send you a picture from the party? It's not your "right" to have her do everything yo ask. It's not your job to micro manage what she wears or what she does.
Yo say it feels like she doesn't trust you, but... do you trust her? Doesn't seem like you are at all.
I wouldn't call you abusive from what you write, but I would call you controlling.
And my guess is (just a hunch) she doesn't tell you in advance because You in the past have tried to control her actions. What she wears, who she sees, what she does etc. How is she BETRAYING (such a strong term) you by sending a picture of herself in a T-shirt over a short of her in the dress?
A LDR doesn't work if there is no trust - neither of you are being open or trusting at all. It seems rather dysfunctional and "dramatic".
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A
female
reader, Mina_Bhamji  +, writes (21 November 2015):
 Speak to her about it and ask her why does she feel like that, there must be a reason why. After you speak about it you will know how to go on about it. If she still throws cause you're abusive answer, and you sure know you're not, then I will wait for her to come round to you.
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