A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am a woman in my mid twenties. I have been with a guy for about 3 years. We are engaged. We moved in together way way too fast.Once I moved in I eventually found out that he had a drinking problem. He would black out and yell/throw things and not even remember the next day. He never hit me, but I was so afraid he was about to once that I called a friend to pick me up at 1 AM after which he yanked the phone out of my hand and threw it on the floor. He vaguely remembered that episode and when I became upset the next day he accused me of "demonizing" him when he went out on the weekends. I told him I was leaving. God knows I should have.He told me the next day he would stop drinking. He didn't entirely, but it never got to that point again. That was about a year ago. There were other problems too, but they are less relevant. Later I suspected he was about to propose. I told him not to. He did anyway. I said no and he gave me the silent treatment for about a month afterwards. We eventually did get engaged because he never took the ring back. I wasn't sure about it but I was in so deep already I thought I would try and hope my feelings for him would "grow back."Basically, he has been better since then. He has helped me out financially while I was getting through school. He has been much nicer... He was never a bad person, but there are too many things I can't live with. Why did I have to give him an ultimatum to make him give me a little respect? I hate myself for letting him help me financially at one point. I have a good job now. I have moved out. He is on deployment now and I feel less stressed and happier when he isn't around. Basically, my feelings will never be what they should be again. I know that now. I resent what happened too much. Now I just don't know how to break the news. I still have a small fear in the back of my mind of his mean drunken personality and so I made sure to get all of my things out of his house. I still have his key and I will have to pick him up when he comes home. I have accepted that since I am leaving him now when things are better and not when he was drunkenly throwing things and screaming that I am the bad guy. I just don't know how to tell him I'm breaking up with him. I would like to do it over email and just be done with it. Phone calls are limited. Should I wait until the day I pick him up? What is the least horrible way? I really want this to be over but I feel guilty about being deceitful about the whole thing and pretending things are fine when I have already moved out. How should I do this? And please no telling me how much of horrible person I am for leaving someone on deployment. I appreciate what he does for our country, but that was also his own personal career choice and I feel bad enough about it all as it is. I just can't do it anymore. I feel nauseated at the thought of being in another relationship. I want to be free and independent and get myself out of this mess I've made.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (22 November 2015):
 How much longer does he deployment run?
A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (21 November 2015):
 The other ladies gave excellent advice. Please quit kicking yourself and saying you're a bad person. People fall out of love, it happens all the time. You have sound reasons for not wishing to be with him and you can't help how you feel. I was married to a mean drunk and I know how frightening they can be. Good for you for being smart enough to realize that things won't work out between the two of you.
Honeypie and Ciar are right.I wouldn't end it by an email or a text message..that is just cold..BUT... I would not meet him at the airport and I would not meet him to talk to him. A phone call would be the best way to end it. If you meet him in person its very possible that he might get mean or aggressive so don't put yourself in that type of situation! Have everything out of the place so you do not have to see him again. Once you have returned the ring (have a friend or someone else return it..don't you do it!) and ended things..cut all contact. EVERYTHING. No phone calls, emails, texts and protect yourself. As the ladies said..be on high alert JUST IN CASE. I wish you all the best. You're not a bad person, you just fell out of love.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (21 November 2015):
 I totally agree with having someone else pick him up from the airport. Faking it is stressful. You'd be giving him false hope or he'd sense something was up and you don't need to have THAT conversation while driving and in a confined space. I also wholeheartedly agree with ending it from a safe distance. This is not a deceitful act on your part but something a reasonable person would do with someone who had a history of drunkenness and physical aggression. He may have improved drastically but, like all folks who take liberties with others, it was only because of external limits placed on his behaviour, not because of some inner epiphany. Keeping you around was his main reason to stop, so if you're gone he might well fall back into bad habits. This is on him, not you.Please stop telling yourself you're being selfish, deceitful or bad. There is nothing outlandish about losing interest in someone, especially because of their bad behaviour. Even if said behaviour has stopped. He should governed himself better beforehand instead of leaving it to you to give him ultimatums. Being in the military, being a doctor or a nurse or some other occupation that 'helps people' does not make one a saint or a martyr. People have all sorts of reasons for entering those fields and altruism is only a small part of it. He's doing what he wants to do. You have every right to do the same.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2015): Thanks for the response. Well, that's the thing. Either I will have to break up with him before he comes back or the day he comes back. There is no third option. He thinks I still live in his house, so I can't get someone else to pick him up or take him to his house only to find my stuff not there. He's going to know immediately that I don't live there anymore and that I've left him. All of my stuff is already out. He has no idea this is coming. He lives in his own fantasy world, no matter what I say, honestly, so he's ignoring all the signs. So basically the options are breaking up over email or breaking up the day he comes home. Both seem pretty bad. I can't live with him anymore and I can't hide the fact that I have moved out once he's home. So I will have to do one or the other, unfortunately.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (21 November 2015):
I'd say wait for his deployment to be over. He has enough on his mind with his work.
Yo are not horrible for wanting to break up, but there is always a time and place for it... over e-mail while he is deployed is NOT it. Yes he has chosen the military as a career, and you have now chosen to NOT wanting to be with him any more, which is fine too. I can't see why you would WANT to be with him after what yo describe. SO good for you for getting to the "I'm done" point and wanting out.
I think that it might be a better idea if someone else picks him up from the airport, because either you will have to "fake" being the good fiance or break his heart at a time he is STILL not in the right frame of mind.
So maybe ask family/friend to pick him up, make sure HE knows too.
Once he has been back a week or so I'd call him and end it. NORMALLY I'd say end it in person, but he is not someone I think you should be alone with or in person with when breaking up.
If you still have stuff at HIS place, make sure you have them all picked up BEFORE his homecoming.
And I would also advice that you DO NOT give him your new address and that you block him after you break up. As well as beef up your routines, safety and otherwise. Because he CAN be a loose canon. Yo need to think of your safety. So your JOB also needs to know to not give him access.
You do NOT owe him to stay engaged and stay with him, no matter his job. And the reason I advice that you break up AFTER he has been home, is because he can become a huge security risk, not only for himself but for others. (including you). I can't imagine he doesn't know this is coming. One way or another.
Avoid meeting up to "talk" about it.
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