A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:This is a long and painful story that I will post here, but I need to get some opinions from some "disinterested" third parties as my friends/family have pretty much weighed in on this issue. First, some background to "set the stage" for what's to follow.I am a 35 year old male who recently gained full custody of my 14 year old son (I was never married to his Mom-only engaged before she left with another man 13 years ago) this past February. I was married in 2004 to my Wife- we'll call her Jean. We were very happy and absolutely enamored of each other- we were inseperable we dated for two years before we “tied the knot”. She knew about my past and the fact that I was trying to get custody of my son; she told me that was one of the reasons she loved me so much- I was a devoted dad who would do anything for his son.Our marriage did not start out well. We purchased a house with funds from our wedding, only to get laid off and almost lose everything we owned. Because of a prior Child Support order, I was getting fleeced by my son's Mom, which made our Financial situation very difficult- we had to swallow our pride and move into a two-bedroom apartment in 2005. After this situation, Jean and I talked about what we were doing with ourselves professionally and we both decided to get out of our career fields so we wouldn't be stuck in a similar situation again; that and because we both hated our jobs.In 2005, I enlisted in the Air Force with the thought that I would use my Military experience to switch to a decent civilian job. My wife's family (as well as mine) had been in the Military (USAF, Army, Marines) and were extremely supportive of my decision. I left for Basic training in March of 2006.....when I returned from Active Duty in September 2006, I found that my world was upside down.I found out a week before I left my assigned base that a neighbor had broken into our apartment (twice) and had attempted to sexually assault Jean. I THOUGHT any woman in this situation would file charges. Instead, Jean didn't file anything- It turns out this gentleman worked at the same Air Force base as mine, and she said she "didn't want to cause any waves" for me by making these accusations. Then, I found out that our bills hadn't been paid by Jean since April of 06 (I returned September of 06)- after she outright lied about paying them to me while I was gone. Then, things got stranger.Jean decided that she wanted to go back to school and enrolled in a night program at a local community college. After the first month, I began to notice that Jean's workout schedule(she went to the gym religiously every night for 1.5 hours)began to get later and later. She began talking about friends she made in school- I asked some general questions and found that she wasn't much for details and balked at the thought of me meeting any of them. A few weeks later, she began coming home at 1-2 o'clock in the AM. I began getting sneaky (I HATE admitting this) and checked her cell phone- there was a number of people on her caller ID that I didn't recognize at all. Finally, after she came in one night at 2AM, I had finally had enough- I confronted her and asked what she thought she was doing- we were married, but she was acting like she was single. She blew it off at first until she realized I was really upset; I asked her to come home at a reasonable hour and to stop with the "second life". Not only did that not stop, but our lives then changed again in Feb.My son moved in with us the 2nd week of Feb.....At first everything was OK- then his Mom decided that she was going to fight me over custody (she and her hubby threw my son out) and thus began a 6 month spate of Court appearances. And, more and more, Jean began to withdraw more and more. Finally, things came to a head in May.Jean and I had a big fight (thankfully, my son was out with my sister at the time) and Jean said she was going to a party (this was on a Thursday) on my birthday weekend. Not only did she blow off my birthday, but, she didn't come home for 4 days. Then after returning from her absence,things didn't get any better- my requests for counseling were rebuffed. In July, she said she needed "some time away" and literally left with the clothes on her back-she disappeared for over a month(to this day-her clothes are still here). I finally managed to reach her at the end of August via cell and asked for a divorce as I felt she was having an affair. She broke down in tears and finally came home to talk. She agreed to move back in and swore that she wasn't with anyone else. However, that promise was short lived.At the beginning of September, I found out that all of our checks I had written for the month had bounced- Jean had spent very dime of our money that I hadn't transferred to my own checking account (we already had checks out, so I couldn't close our account in time. I found that she had spent almost 1000$ on clothes-there was also withdrawals for cash. I managed to get ahold of her parents while I was trying to track her down and found out that her car was evidently being repossessed for non-payment; she had TOTALLY switched jobs (and careers) without even telling me ,and, her Father told me she was already "dating" someone and to just "call it quits".To end this VERY painful story:I have finally had her agree to file for Divorce jointly- she absolutely REFUSED at first, saying she wanted to work on things and that I wasn't giving her a chance. I brought up her irrational behavior along with my assumptions that she was with someone, along with her father's comments to me. She again said she was offended and that there was nothing going on. She claimed her new job involved working rotating shifts, so she was never available for "stuff like that". I told her that her parents were now trying to hold ME responsible for HER stealing her parents credit card and maxing it out after she left in July. She is supposed to come over tomorrow to sign our Divorce papers and make arrangements to pay for some of our bils (she hasn't paid me a dime since July). Did I just plain wait too long to address these issues? Am I correct in my assumption that she is having an affair? While she still won't admit to doing anything wrong, I feel I need some closure- Don't I have the right to demand what's been going on?The funny thing is, my buddies are ALL convinced that she's been dating someone since I left for the Air Force, but, my "girlfriends" (most of them are my buddies wives) seem to think that "maybe she's just scared" and that I don't have irrefutable proof that she was doing anything. This assumtion is based on our Toll records (they are electronic here) that show she has been going from her job in a local city back to her parent's town every night at different times. The ladies also feel that we are still married and that I "shouldn't give up so easy". All I know is, I feel totally lost and alone- I have NEVER cheated or even THOUGHT about getting together with anyone else, even after all this has transpired. I feel very lonely and empty inside in a way I never thought was possible....I started seeing a therapist as I am caught in a deep depression that won't go away. I find myself literally feeling like I just want to break down in tears for absolutely no reason. What is YOUR opinion??
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male
reader, tnblazers +, writes (29 August 2008):
I can't believe that you put up with this for so long. Her behavior it totally selfish and disrespectful. She must have a psychological problem and she will probable repeat this same behavior with someone else, or has a history of doing this. Don't reinforce or empower this kind of behavior in her by giving her to many chances. You are wasting your energy and could move on to someone who is more mature.
A
female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (6 April 2008):
 thanks for the update. let the healing begin.
Best wishes.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (6 April 2008):
 You're right about closing the old, before starting a new. Good luck to you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, i figured I would write an update and hopefully add a sort of closure to this whole, sordid mess!!
Well, as many of you had surmised, my worst nightmares were realized when i found out that my wife had indeed been having an affair. In fact, it had been going on for almost a year and a half! To add insult to injury, she has also become engaged to the man she has been sleeping with. From what I've been told, he is a much older man with grown children...from what I've been told, he's actually a genuinely nice guy who fell for the same line of crap i did some 5 years ago. Although i did say those who know him say he is a "nice guy" you have to wonder what sort of "gentleman" would have an affair with a married woman...but I digress.
My soon-to-be ex has been bending over backwards to get all the Divorce papers signed and we were able to get our taxes filed jointly. She continues to assert that there is no one in her life and her father continues to make a bad situation worse, but that's a WHOLE other story. Thanks again for all of your kind responses! They have been appreciated!
Oh,and before I forget, unfortunately, my relationship with the single Mom came to a rather abrupt end because of all of these aforementioned issues...I guess i wasn't prepared to start dating again. It's kinda hard to relate to someone when you haven't let go of the past, done your mourning, and moved on. I was OK until i found out my Wife had been cheating on me for that length of time and had become engaged some time ago. We both ended things on a good note and still talk regularly, but, as she said "you need to go and get your head straight and deal with tose things that still consume you. Until then, we just won't be able to go anywhere." Sage advice:)
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2008): Hey, thanks for your response.....While I appreciate your input, this is a dead issue...I've filed for Divorce in January and began seeing a single Mom. It's nice to deal with someone who "gets it" with being a single Mom/Dad. Thanks for all of your responses, it was appreciated!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2008): people don't know how to give advice on here.. it's all about empathy blah blah this blah blah that i feel bad for i feel sorry you yadda this i know what you're going through... it's obvious you're not 16 years old and need a shoulder to cry on so i'm here to tell you what you need to do to..
you NEED to dump this crazy bitch divorce her because she doesn't know what she wants in life and is just throwing herself around without having any clear understanding.. it's pretty simple i'm not quite sure why you're not seeing the fact that the woman you married is a lose case and will never in her life figure out what she wants so you need to dump her ass and take everything she took from you and get the hell away and find a normal level headed woman. women like that are on a downward spiral in life and drag others down.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2007): WOW! I will definitely keep you in my prayers. The only person that knows the answers to your questions is your wife. You may know the answer yourself. You are already going through a lot right now. Have you thought about talking to a pastor?
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A
female
reader, rockelle +, writes (13 November 2007):
 No, that is not weird. I am happy to hear that there are still some decent respectable women out there. She was right, get things sorted out with your wife first as far as the divorce etc. then move on. I am glad that you showed her that you were interested that is a step in the right direction. Maybe she is willing to be friends until the divorce is final? Get to know her on a platonic, friendship level and see where things go from there.
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A
female
reader, lilgirly  +, writes (13 November 2007):
 hey,
great to see you doing great and finaly going out there ( you really deserve the best)!
what happened with that girl is normal:S i think she doesn't wanna be involved with a married man!maybe for her, you won't get a divorce, just lie to her! ( i would have done the same thing).she is totaly right,who wanna get more problems for themselves?(and by talking to you when you are still married is a perfect way to do so)!and maybe you are a player or somthing.
maybe it is for the best now that you keep it cool for after your divorce!lol
anyways good luck! keep on going! you are doing great!
byeXXX
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A
female
reader, Minelisse  +, writes (13 November 2007):
 Well, I think thats not weird, I might have done the same! There are a lot of guys out there who are married and saying they will divorce just to start something out. Next thing you know they are reconsidering or not sure anymore. Furthermore she is respecting your current wife whom she doesn't know and doesn't want to get involved in. Third of all she might not want to feel responsible for your ultimate decision as divorces and relationships are very complicated. You might also be to confused with all the unresolved business of a divorce.
Advice not asked for: you should always say to women your divorce is not final yet!
Good luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell.....my life just got weirder, if that's at all possible.First of all, I tried to get my ex to sign the paperwork, and she just calls me to rip me about how i screwed things up, and CONTINUE to screw things up....no word on when she will be signing anything. So, I have to file a 1B divorce, which is what I was hoping to avoid.Secondly, I was at a party over the wekend and really hit it off with a newly divorced single Mom...things were going well until one of my friends decided to tell her that I wasn't divorced yet(after we had talked about my situation listed here)- then she just said "Well, call me when your divorce is final." And, that was the end of our conversation....Is that weird, or is it just me?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWow,thanks for the replies Gys and Girls alike!! Your kind words are giving me much to reflect on in this trying time and I mean that in the best way possible. Rockelle put it the best way possible when she said that, whether my wife was having an affair or not was irrelevant- she abandoned me all the same. What really irks me is that we spent the last three years scraping by, and she "heads for the hills" now that she has a well-paying job...
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A
female
reader, rockelle +, writes (7 November 2007):
I am sorry but this women sounds like she has some serious issues. Although you may still love her lets not dismiss the fact that she is a big liar, and a thief. She has created total chaos in you household. She has abandoned her respnsibility as a wife and a step-mother. Whether or not she is cheating is irrelevant at this stage in the game. I am glad that you are sensible enough to say it is time to get off this roller coaster ride. You are doing the right thing. You need to focus your attention on that teenager you are raising. When she takes money from you she also takes from him which is not fair. She didn't care whether you guys had food, clothes, electricity. Selfish, Selfish, Selfish. Is she using drugs? RCN is right you need to protect yourself legally. God only knows what else she has been doing that you have yet to find out about. I hope that everything works out for you and your son and the sooner you get her out of your life for good the better off you will be.
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A
female
reader, Minelisse +, writes (7 November 2007):
Apparently your wife has some really deep issues to deal with. The thing is you cannot deal with them for her and she is not interested in doing so at this time. This is not your fault nor are you able to change that.
Your life, on the other hand, has been massively affected by the circumstances of your relationship and that is what you can deal with. You have taken the right steps by seeking professional help to alleviate the sadness and your emotions.
There is a very powerful prayer that says:
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
You cannot change what she feels or what she does about it. You cannot change her reluctance to deal with anything emotional right now. You can deal with your own processes as you are and you can look for ways to have your marriage ended within your state laws and capabilities. Closure will come, you just can't make it happen now.
Best of lucks!
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A
female
reader, Dani1989  +, writes (7 November 2007):
The "assault incident" sounds very confusing since all yuor troubles with your wife started after this. Its seems that there is the possibility that whatever may have happened as affected this person you once trusted to act as a complete starnger.
Maybe your wife is a lying cheat who tried to get as much out of you as she can. Then again maybe something happened to her that she is too embarrassed to talk about and that as caused her to go off the rails. All of this change hasn't been good for you and maybe not her either. Maybe she is reacting childishly because she feels confused and displaced.
I definitely think that you should get your divorce but I think you should also try to check on her mental stability.
You loved her once and her actions have really hurt you but still she denies having an affair there could possibly be more to this than you suspect. Especially since it sounds as if your communication broke down and I understand that that wasn't through your lack of trying.
Concentrate on having your son back and I hope you sort this mess out and return to being happy I just think there may be some underlying issues for you to consider.
Good luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, I have had what's called "1A" (no fault) Divorce papers ready for awhile, but she's come up with a whole host of reasons as to why she won't sign. (e.g. "I've worked 12 days straight", "I want to look at the papers before i sign",etc.) If her prior history is any indication, she'll drag this out. The thought of the "finality" that's involved with signing the papers is too much for her to think about....she's always been about avoidance...
I DID change the doorlocks today:)
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (5 November 2007):
With the PTSD, she'll have to seek help on her own, It's not something anyone can do without her willingness to get help.
Do you live in a state that has "No Fault" divorce? If so, your judicial website may offer a self help section to draw up the divorce papers yourself. If she doesn't contest it, try to set up a meeting, get a signature, and set up for a hearing with the judge. In a "No Fault", she doesn't have to be present, you go in front of the judge with the decree and he'll ask a couple of questions, then it's ordered. That may save you a bit.
I too would be embarrassed knowing someone who's flashing cars on the highway, all though it sounds humorous.
Take care.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHere's another question for you guys- I just got off the phone with my neighbor, who is an attorney, and he feels I should just stop screwing around and just file for a 1B Divorce (which could get expensive) as he feels that she has shown that she will avoid conflict at all costs and just drag this out longer if given a chance. What do YOU think?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWOW!! Thanks so much for your forthright, honest responses. Well, not that i'm surprised, but she showed up and went through the papers while I wasn't here (I REALLY need to change my locks!) and then said she wouldn't sign them because she didn't understand what I was trying to accomplish (besides the Divorce). I asked her why she showed up, knowing that i wasn't here- I had Military Drill this weekend- she then told me that she "didn't know". I almost freaked out- I have been on the same Drill schedule for the last year and a half- she had no response other than "I forgot". Then, the conversation began to denegrate into another shouting match- her saying that her schedule is limited, and she was only doing what she could with the time she had- I told her she is just avoiding me at all costs. I also threw in that this whole process is very difficult, and by signing the papers, there is that sense of finality with it- she didn't have a response to that.
RCN- it's strange that you bring up the PTSD- I didn't write this in my original post, but, it turns out she was sexually molested by one of her brothers growing up, and her parents never did a thing to address the issues. I found this out LONG after we were married, and the ONLY reason I found out was because her sister-in-law was called away from a Family function to bail her husband (her brother) out of jail after he was arrested for exposing himself on the highway to a car load of women. I felt embarrassed for everyone, but I also felt that I should have had some sort of discussion with her about this. That's why i have a hard time thinking that she was having an affair- it took a long time for us to be intimate, but I never pried or asked why.....now I know. Lilygirly basically hit the "nail on the head" by saying that,even if she wasn't cheating, she was still distancing herself from me regardless. I DEFINITELY have to change the locks on our apartment door- that will at least force her to have to deal with me- I'm kinda kicking myself for not doing it sooner. Kepp those responses coming! Thanks again!
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A
female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (4 November 2007):
To answer your question of cheating. Yes, she is cheating. She is not giving herself to you for whatever reason. Her secret life is a form of cheating you whether or not she is with a man. She has cheated you financially as well.
I think you are wise to get yourself out of this situation. You need to focus your efforts on raising your son now and he for sure doesn't need this kind of drama going on because it sounds as if his life hasn't been the best either. Give his some good times to remember.
About just wanting to break down and cry, do it. You will feel better. You have suffered a loss, a long drawn out loss. Now you will have closure. Allow yourself to feel everything and then you can heal from there.
I wish you well and thank you for your service to our country.
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A
female
reader, lilgirly +, writes (4 November 2007):
hey.
this woman is married to you and this isn't a way of acting even if she isn't cheatting!
so why are you feeling soo bad about someone you tryed helping! when all the other cares about is going out and teenage stuff!
don't feel bad about something that could have never been true!
please , and to tell you something everyone feels bad and lonley after a breakup but you will be just fine i know it you are still a young man.... i really wish you good luck and i think sometimes it is allright to cry . it makes all the pain get out and i would be happy of being your freind and i don't think that anyone wouldn't wanna be. relax , everyone has a sad story that is what makes this life so hard.
wish you good luck and you will find the perfect woman one day byeXXX
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2007): It sounds as if you are being taken advantage of. Maybe she became overwhelmed with all the challenges the two of you were facing and paniced. She obviously has serious problems with money and telling the truth. You have given her several chances to come clean and either she can't or won't fess up to what is really going on in her life. You must accept that you may not get the answers you are seeking.Of course it would be easy if she confessed to cheating and all kinds of terrible things, but the truth is life is not easy when it comes to matters of the heart. You need to make some tough decisions and thats hard.Take control of your life, shift your focus to the future for you and your son. Its okay to break down in tears, but after that you need to pull yourself together and figure out the best way to get your life back on track. The pain you are going through is very real but the fact you are seeking help with a therapist is a good sign. Yeah it totally sucks to have your heart broken and your trust shattered. Do something positive for yourself everyday. Good Luck.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (4 November 2007):
So what happened to the two who dated and couldn't be torn apart? It's almost like as the stress raised, so did the new and crappy marriage. Now, I really hope you have an attorney present when signing the papers. If not, I'm afraid you may get screwed. The credit card, she's liable. Even if you're married, she did so solo, without your knowledge or help, which holds her 100% liable for repayment. The release of liability needs to be listed in the divorce papers. The malicious behavior of squandering funds from the account. That could be considered fraud, since it was your personal account and the money was taken knowing it could cause a detriment to your household bills. That should be listed for repayment as well.
I understand you're still married. There is nothing you can do aside from marital counseling. We know where she gets her lack of taking responsibility from, her dad blaming you for her theft and fraud of his credit card. That's a crime. She could be prosecuted and put behind bars for that action. He needs to realize that's not you, it's her error, and you're not responsible for criminal actions caused by your spouse.
Her behavior is crappy. I really can't say that enough. She has problems, and these problems are very destructive. Now about before. You two were great together. A very loving family. You get married, then "shit" hit the fan. you lost your home, almost had complete financial ruins. I could see where this change may have developed some "treatable" issues within your wife. Anytime there is this quick of a negative change, you can almost expect at least one of the individuals are going to develop a disorder. Whether it be depression as you're experiencing, stress induced anxiety.
See this was a real fast and hard change. Did you know our minds are capable of building many blocks to protect us from mental negative events. If we didn't have them, most of us would be wearing strait jackets. We wouldn't be able to handle our normal daily stress. When the stress overwhelms us, our brains take different forms. This is where you get BPD, PTSD, triggered Bi-Polar, and in extreme cases, Multiple Personality Disorder.
In her case, what if her intentions at the beginning were good, well mannered intentions, but with everything happening so quick, her mental capabilities overloaded causing her to revert back to before they began, crazy lifestyle. It's like saying, my life is crashing anyway, so who cares. I'm going to play and pretend none of this is happening.
I know this is getting a bit long. I just wanted you to view it from different angles. I have a quick story to finish this up with. I was engaged to be married. That didn't last long. She broke it off. She'd been diagnosed with PTSD, because her uncle sexually assaulted her for 8 years. When I began showing a lot of love toward her, she stopped her contacts, stopped being on chat, canceled her regular contact with friends and family. This happened because of her passed. When you look at those behaviors they imitate a girl who's being abused. I showed her true love, which her protection in her mind brought her into a regressed behavior, which imitated the same behavior she would display if the abuse was happening now.
I hope everything works out for you. Remember this for getting over your depression. If she has a disorder or a series of, don't blame her, or yourself. How can you blame someone for loosing or not having the capability of acting in a proper manner.
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