A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I grew up with very strict parents, I was not allowed to go out with friends or be independent. My day ran on a schedule, from school to various music, dance, and etiquette lessons. My parents determined how I would dress, wear my hair, and who I was allowed to socialize with outside of school. By the time I went to college, I was still required to live at home while attending university, was not allowed to drive on my own or have a boyfriend. I sometimes lied to my parents and said I was “studying” when I was really hanging out with friends. I never went to parties or events in the evening, and had a job to help pay for school.I was 20 when I met my boyfriend, and we were secret about our dating until I graduated university. His parents offered for me to live with them 100 miles away from my parents, and I jumped at the chance for a bit of independence, or so I thought. I lived with them for 3 years but never really had my own independence. They gave me my own room and charged me a small amount of rent, and I didn‘t have many friends. When we were 23, they gave us money to help with a house. All along they had the intention of me marrying their son. After they helped us with the house, they communicated their expectation of us getting married asap. We got engaged and married soon after we moved into the house.Now that we’ve been married for a year and a half, I feel like I haven’t made the best decisions. I started meeting new friends through my work and reconnected with some old friends from school. I actually have a social life now, even though my husband doesn’t like it when I am not home. My husband is pressuring me for children, and I don’t want any or know if I ever do. I have never had the chance to live life on my own and experience a lot of the things other people do. I would love to live in a another country someday or another state just for new experiences. I told my husband this and he said it is not possible as he likes our current home.I feel like my entire life has been determined for me without me making any of my own decisions. I feel like I went from one controlling household to the next and then to the next. I also think that without experiencing life on my own, I might become resentful in later life. If I have kids right now, I will be tied to them for the next 18+ years and will never get to live and fulfill my dreams and see what the world has to offer.My husband is a good man and takes good care of me, but he is also controlling. He regulates how much I can spend, even though I make just as much as he does. It took 6 months of arguing and fighting just to get him to allow me to drive myself to work rather than get dropped off at the train station every day. I always have to account for where I am at all times and the people I’m with. I also feel like I settled in life, just because of obligation to marry. I desperately want to break free and be my own person, but feel like I will disappoint his family and my family, as well as hurt him after he has cared for me all these years. What should I do?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2010): marriage counseling and therapy in general as you've become a victim.i suggest you begin therapy by seeing a counselor ..psychiatrists can be expensive..family conselors are a bit cheaper.if you have health insurance check to see if it will cover counseling via copayment.you won't be able to struggle through this on your own.a counselor or psychologist or psychiatrist is essential.youre upbringing has made you a victim.trust me,i know what i'm saying/.i know what your going through believe it or not.and you can't go through ths by yourself and even your husband might frown on therapy if you suggest it.if he doesn't agree to accompany you to therapy sessions then go alone.just make sure to go and not let anyone talk you out of it.
A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (16 March 2010):
 In life, we go through certain phases . It is a cycle of human life.
From the ,
1)Egg
2)Embryo
3)Baby
4)Child
5)Adolescent
6)Adult
7)Old age.
Sometimes, we may skip one phase in life and then we find that we are missing that phase in later life.
It is like the call of the wild.It becomes too strong and you can't resist the urge to go out there to find your true identity or your full potentials and who you are and what you are capable of.
You will have to give up your comfort zone and become more adventurous and brave the new challenges in your life.
You will have to ride roughshod over all your obstacles and break those invisible chains or you will never find your peace or happiness.
Good luck to you .
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks again everyone for all of your feedback!
So just an update. I had a talk with my husband about how I did not want kids with him. He didn't take this well and nagged me about it, and then one day when we were having sex, he refused to wear a condom and forced it in! I freaked out (since I'm not on any other birth control), and got the morning after pill the next day.
Three days later I had another talk with him and told him I was not happy and moved out the next day with a gf.
I have to say that I felt happier on that day when I left, than I did on the day of my wedding, and I realize that sounds really sad. We are starting therapy this week and I am going to individual sessions as well as couples counseling. I haven't seen him in a week.
Since then he's been calling and begging me to come back home, and I told him I don't want to talk to him outside of counseling. I got my own credit card and bank account so he can no longer track my spending. I think this drives him nuts because he kept asking me why I don't use my joint card anymore and asking where I am getting money. He also stalked my car in a parking lot when I was having brunch with my gf but she helped me avoid him. I had to leave my pet fish behind, and he keeps taking pictures of him and saying "mommy don't you love me? please come home." I do miss home but I'm so much happier now.
I will let you guys know about how therapy goes. We haven't told the family yet, but I have a feeling it won't go well. However, I am starting to realize that I have to do this in order to be true to myself. And hopefully therapy can change my husband to let go of control and be less selfish. But if not, I think I will be ok on my own.
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A
female
reader, lovesickk  +, writes (6 March 2010):
Your story is so much like my life, a controlling husband and me being a passive person. If you can, I would recommend you to tell him what you really want. If the independence you want and imagine yourself in a couple of years, do not include your husband, then explain him that!
I also want to be independent, but have a bigger problem now, I have fallen in love with the kind of man I have always wanted. So, imagine the confusion I'm facing.... Married, controlled, not able to speak up, and in love with someone else. Be strong girl and God will not punish you to get a divorce.... xoxo
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A
female
reader, lovesickk +, writes (6 March 2010):
Your story is so much like my life, a controlling husband and me being a passive person. If you can, I would recommend you to tell him what you really want. If the independence you want and imagine yourself in a couple of years, do not include your husband, then explain him that!
I also want to be independent, but have a bigger problem now, I have fallen in love with the kind of man I have always wanted. So, imagine the confusion I'm facing.... Married, controlled, not able to speak up, and in love with someone else. Be strong girl and God will not punish you to get a divorce.... xoxo
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2010): Your husband is controlling. Going on a trial separation will only exacerbate that problem. People who are controlling and then confronted often subconsciously worsen their behavior because in a way it's like they failed because they now see you standing up for yourself. End the situation, break the ties, and let people have their stupid opinions. nobody has to walk in your shoes but you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone for your kind responses! I so appreciate everyone taking the time to read my long story and give your honest, caring, sincere feedback.
That being said, I agree that I have to stand up for myself and take action. I have always been the type of person who likes to please others, and I often do things I don't want to just to avoid conflict. I think it was a part of my upbringing.
I recall one day my mother said to my husband, "I'm so glad she found someone just like me to watch over her." I was so upset by this because I can take care of myself. But was too meek to say anything. I should have voiced an opinion.
My husband is always saying "you're lucky I love you." As if I should be kissing the ground that I found someone willing to take me in. Yet again I didn't say anything.
I think it's finally time for me to stand up for what I believe in. I am still trying to get the confidence and taking it one day at a time.
I'm so afraid of being alone and failing, because they they will all say I TOLD YOU SO! I'm thinking possibly a trial separation might help, if I move in with a female friend of mine. Maybe then I can get a taste of being independent? What do you guys think?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2010): At some point in our lives we have to stop laying blame and make the hard decisions. If you're used to living a lifetime of people who are happy keeping you under their thumb, then yes, you're going to feel very uncomfortable for very long in changing your life. Do you want to live this way for the rest of your life? Can you imagine yourself still married to this man in five or ten years? He won't change. Do not have children!!! Get out!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2010): Please do not let obligation run your life, only YOU can make your life the way YOU want it. Sounds like you have good friends to be your extended family. I feel that a healthy family will be even happier for you if your happy. Start to live the life you always wanted to live.
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A
female
reader, boo22  +, writes (4 March 2010):
 Hi hun, you need to stop being so passive and start being more assertive asap.
Being in a different state or country will not change you, it will only change your location.
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A
male
reader, NM1218 +, writes (4 March 2010):
Hey there
First off,you have to trust your instinct,nothing more or less.If you feel you may well regret your decisions in later years,and become resentful,then you should follow your heart and desires.DO NOT HAVE ANY CHILDREN,you don't want any and no one shuld force you to,not even your husband.You are a grown woman,and have every right to lead the kind of life you want,I don't understand why your parents and husband do not allow you to drive?What do they think will happen.You should not have rushed into the marriage at all!
Tell your in-laws and parents,as well as your husband that if they do not respect your desires and not allow you to live life as you wish,then you will want out.Follow your heart and lead the life you want to.If they are disappointed,then that IS THEIR PROBLEM,NOT YOURS.Do not let them tell you that you have back stabbed them or that after all they did for you,you have to follow your husband.Not true,they may want to make you feel guilty.You do not OWE ANYONE ANYTHING.
Feel free to respond back and let me know what you think.
I wish the best for you.
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A
female
reader, Lucky786 +, writes (4 March 2010):
 I think you should break free now. Your life so far has been mapped out for you by various people. It's time to stop following the map and do what you want to do.
Of course you don't want to hurt your parents, in-laws or husband but equally you can't stifle your own yearning for freedom to please others forever. You don't want to look back on your life and regret the choices you made.
Ultimately you have to be true to yourself.
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