A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hey,I'm having problems with my girlfriend and due to these problems I've had to turn to you and no one else. So thank you in advance for offering the service. I've been with my girlfriend for over a year now and it's kind of serious, but I lie to her a lot :/ sometimes thinking I'm a compulsive liar. After we'd been together for about.. 3 or 4 months i think i had a friend that was a girl (who shall now be known as (x)) who was having troubles with her boyfriend and she thought she was pregnant and because of that her boyfriend left her (x). Because she had no one else to turn to I said that if she (x) wanted an abortion then I would go with her because I thought I was doing the right thing when she needed support. At this point I was telling my girlfriend ALL of this, of course she wasn't too pleased about it, in fact she was very upset and to this day still occassionally brings it up, it turned out that it was infact a 'chemical pregnancy' anyway though so it ended there and then.For quite a while after that she wasn't able to trust me because she believed this friend (x) of mine only wanted attention from me and I was giving it to her. I still don't know if she was right about that though, she (x) may well have just been attention seeking. Now, after that, my girlfriend has thought that I dont talk to her (x) anymore and my girlfriend has told me that she infact hates her (x). However, I do talk to her (x), fairly often and I consider her a friend still. A rarely see her (x) though and its mostly over facebook or texting. Things got better after a while and she got over the whole not trusting me thing, and we moved on and things have been great, although I have lied about me not talking to her (x) whenever she has come up in coversation. There are other girls I talk to that she doesn't know about, and many of these girls she (girlfriend) also dislikes so I have to lie to her (girlfriend) about talking to them because I fear she will get annoyed and jealous. She (girlfriend) had occasionally come close to finding out but I have been able to cover it up somehow. I dont mean anything by talking to them but I'm aware that i have quite a flirtatious personality, which obviously wont help matters.Whenever I text other girls I always delete the messages on my phone before i see my girlfriend because she sometimes looks at my phone.This evening though she went onto my facebook (as she knows the password) where i still had a conversation up with a girl i occasionally talk to. I once again lied to cover it up, but she told me it brought back all the previous feelings of not being able to trust me and she began to doubt my love for her, we talked through things and she said that she will get over it because i persuaded her that I do love her and that i only talked to the girl because i was bored and it was late at night. Also when she was on my facebook, the girl I mentioned at the start (x) who my girlfriend thought i hadnt spoken to for a very long time, said 'hi' and my girlfriend starting talking to her pretending to be me (i could see this from my own screen as i was also logged on) I text her (x) and told her not to reply to any messages from me on facebook because it wasn't really me. Im quite sure it was my girlfriends way of seeing whether i still talked to her (x) though. I then had to lie again and tell her I havent spoke to my friend (x) in months. Later this same night, I text my friend (x) apologising and thanking her for not replying to my girlfriend (posing as me) and she was alright about it. however, i then accidentally sent my girlfriend a text that was meant for my other friend (x). I then found myself lying again to cover it up and made it as if I was texting my cousin and not (x).Everything is okay now and she's no longer annoyed or suspcious but only because i have lied. I do love her tremendously and I really want to stay with her, from this message it may not seem that way but I am sparing your time (trying to at least) by not saying why i so want to stay with her as there must be hundreds of reasons, the first and foremost being pure love. Any other girls I talk to aren't even comparable, they're just friends, but friends that I enjoy talking to. I feel terrible that I talk to other girls behind her back and I get so paranoid that she'll find out, I'm even scared she'll read this message somehow. I've turned to you with this problem because I'm scared to talk to other girl-friends about it all now. (I'm sure my guy friends would be useless, haha). Maybe I just needed to offload this onto someone, my apologies that you are that person! I understand that this is very long, much longer than most of my history essays! I would like your advice though please, do I just stop talking to other girls, which i reckon i could do eventually, and only talk to her and her group of friends and my guy mates? or do i continue running the risk of lying? I really don't want to tell her all this though because I'm scared of the consequences. We have spoken about our future together and I really don't want to ruin it.I think that is all, I'm sorry to inflict this all upon you! I thank you most sincerely in advance. Yours Sincerely Y
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, rcn  +, writes (18 January 2011):
 It doesn't sound like you're cheating on her. She seems like a jealous person, and you're feeding into that jealousy be keeping your talking to other girls hidden. Dating someone doesn't meant you end communicating with friends, no matter what sex they end up being. I would tell her that you do have female friends, and you occasionally talk to them, but they are just friends and your communication doesn't in any way violate the relationship you have with your girlfriend.
You want a relationship that is built on trust, not one that the trust is fabricated because you're not allowed to keep friendships that may make her feel threatened. That's not a healthy relationship.
take care
A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (18 January 2011):
Hi there. If I didn't see the age at the top of this article, I would have naturally assumed you were much older than you are. I would have thought you were at least in your 30's. Consider that a compliment. All I am saying, is that you seem really mature for your very young age. That's a good thing.
Now let me get down to tin tacks. I don't think you are a compulsive liar. A compulsive liar, is one who tells lies all the time and doesn't really know what the truth is. They just simply never tell the truth. I guess you could say that a compulsive liar, just says whatever comes to their mind first off. Even if it's in their imagination. Perhaps even, it's a case of always living in their imagination and saying whatever takes their fancy at the time. Living in a fantasy-like world, not real. I don't think that's the case with you. In fact, I'm sure that's not you at all.
We all tell lies (or tiny little lies), at times. Especially, if to tell the truth would cause that person some heartache. So to avoid hurting someone, we twist the truth a little, or leave out some little piece of information. This is what I think you are doing. It's quite normal.
Really what is past is past. Don't give out too much information, just keep it to yourself.
Why did you tell your girlfriend about this other female friend? It wasn't necessary. It seemed to pose no real threats to your relationship with your girlfriend. I guess you were just being open and honest with her - just in case she found out anything.
From now on, just keep some things to yourself. It's not necessary to tell your girlfriend every single thing that happens in your life. It's ok to have friends of the opposite sex. There is nothing wrong in that. Just as long as "friends" is all that they are.
From now on, make sure that you are doing what you said you were doing, and that you are with who you said you were with. Then there is no contradications.
She has lost some trust in you, so you need to help her get that back. All relationships are based on trust, and without that, there is no chance of a future together.
You will have to be sure that you are a person who can be trusted. Only then can she regain that trust. Then you can move forward together, in a positive way.
Always think positive, and let there be no discrepancies between what you say and what you actually do.
Then you will no longer have any problems.
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