A
male
age
30-35,
*ancakewaffle
writes:I'm 21 years old, turning 22 this year. My girlfriend is 20, and turning 21 this year. We've been together for 3 years, and I want to ask her to marry me within the next week or so.Here's the problem.I'm Indian, and she's American. My parents are very conservative, yet they allow her to stay at our house. They still make her sleep in a different room, it's ridiculous. I'm 21, I should be able to make that decision...I don't know how to break it to them. I've saved up the money to buy a ring, despite our not-so-great financial situation right now. I really want to do this, but I'm scared to hear how they would react. They don't think I'm anywhere near ready to get married. We want a long engagement, maybe 5 years or so, so it isn't like we're getting married anytime soon. I just want to give her a ring, that's all. I want to be engaged, and I want us to be treated like a couple that will get married. I don't want my parents separating us in different rooms, or telling us what to and not to do. I just want to live my life.The trouble, along with the above, starts here. My dad is sick. He's 60 years old, smokes a pack a day, doesn't work, stays home all day, and has asthma, emphysema, and COPD. He still smokes, and his lack of socialization with the world is making him crazy. He repeats things, lectures everyone, and complains. It's rare to see him happy.Naturally, my mom is sick of it. She's a bit conservative too, but she's the only one working. She's got high blood pressure, blood sugar problems, and she's generally an angry person. She confronts everyone, complains about everything, and generally yells and expresses her disapproval of the world. It's damn near impossible to make her happy too.Can it get worse? Of course it can.My ex girlfriend from years ago, who is illegal in the country, is LIVING AT MY HOUSE. She receives stellar treatment from my parents, as if she was their daughter. They treat her better than me. She even calls them "mom and dad". Worse off, she takes the guest room that my girlfriend could be sleeping in (since my parents don't allow it), and makes my girlfriend take the couch pretty much every night. It's almost like us, as a couple, are thrown into the corner while she shines like a knight in solid gold armor. I don't even feel like I have a family anymore with her around, and no matter what I do, I can't get rid of her. She becomes the topic of every conversation, they compare me to her, and they generally do everything for her well-being. I cook for everyone, I drive everyone around, I run the errands, and I give my family thousands of dollars. She just goes to work, comes home, gives my mom $100 a week, and lives her own happy life. On top of everything, she STILL WANTS ME. She tells my mom that she regrets not staying with me (even though I left her), and my mom falls for it. She's a pity-trip. On top of that, she has 24/7 access to our apartment (we live in a house), which she pays no rent for. She has family out here, why doesn't she stay with them? Why bother us? Why not go home? She won't be able to stay in the country anyway, why is she pressing her luck? She even tells me I'm like her brother, which sickens me to death. I don't like her invading my family, my extended family, and generally sticking her nose into all our relative's business. She's of Pakistani descent, so my girlfriend is the only white one in the house. I'm nowhere damn near indian too. I don't speak hindi, I don't act like they do, etc. I don't even feel like they're my family honestly. I just don't know what to do. I don't know how to break it to them, and how to avoid the ex getting into the mess. Please help me, I'm going insane over here. My family can barely afford to eat, everyone is a dictator in disguise, and everyone who knows this story doesn't know how to help me. My girlfriend is loving enough to put up with it all, and she assures me that she isn't going anywhere.I'm a wreck...
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engaged, ex girlfriend, money, my ex, smokes Reply to this Question
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female
reader, mooh  +, writes (29 May 2012):
Moving out is the best option and will strengthen your relationship with your girlfriend. At least you will see less of the ex-gf too and your parents will take you less for granted.
A
male
reader, Myau  +, writes (16 May 2012):
 Move out and start your life dude, or you can keep waiting for someting that will never happen to occur.
tell your parents, get it over with. They will rant but will accept it in time.....or complain less
best of luck
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (15 May 2012):
 I read Foot-in-My-Mouth's post and have to admit that the cultural component may be important to you. I would adopt a different strategy to relocation, then, by emphasizing the health factor. Tell your family that alas, you have developed allergies to second-hand smoke and have been advised by your doctor to relocate to preserve the functioning of your lungs. You may need to demonstrate some wheezing and flourish an inhaler while 'attempting' not to hack up a piece of lung. Additionally, as your girlfriend's back is now so bad from sleeping on the couch that she can barely move through the day without pain pills, she too, alas will be relocating with you. You will endeavor to find a place close by but cannot guarantee anything.I would be very surprised if they cut you off entirely. It sounds like they rely very heavily on you for many things.You can cook meals and bring them round, there are wonderful freezer recipes that keep for weeks or months. Teach your exgirlfriend how to thaw and reheat these meals and she can become your parent's de facto cook and housekeeper.They can carry on the drama without you, there's nothing written anywhere that states you need to act in a starring or supporting role in their own self-inflicted misery.
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A
female
reader, Foot-In-My-Mouth  +, writes (15 May 2012):
 I know that moving out is a big thing in Indian families. It's not as simple and taking a lease on a house and walking out. It usually signifies a complete severance of all ties. I wouldn't ask you to do that. But what you definitely need to do is to make sure your ex-girlfriend leaves as soon as possible. Make it clear to her that you're not comfortable with the arrangement and make it clear to your parents too, no matter how much they care about her. Tell them it is standing in the way of your relationship with your current girlfriend and that no matter how much they like your ex, you will never get back with her. Once she's out of the house for good, you can plan on making things improve for you financially and then think of marriage. Your one important task right now is to get rid of that ex-girlfriend of yours.Oh and one more thing. It's totally natural for your parents to make your girlfriend stay in a different room. It's not about wanting to keep you apart. It's about simple decency. Sleeping in the same room (when your parents reside in the same house) without being married would be totally unacceptable to any Indian parent, no matter how liberal. And I think your family is remarkably liberal to allow two of your girlfriends to live under their roof. Be grateful to them instead of thinking of them as a burden. You have yourself acknowledged how unhappy they are. Are you doing anything to make things better? Giving "thousands of dollars" is not a solution, you know. And running away when trouble comes calling isn't family solidarity either. So think about it. And yes, get rid of that pestilential ex-girlfriend. Things will soon get better! All the best!
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (15 May 2012):
The only person in this entire scenario whose circumstances you can change is.... *drumroll* ... you. You yourself hold the key to your freedom.
Instead of buying a ring for a promise of an engagement, take that money and go sign a lease on an apartment.
Gather up your things, move them into the apartment. Don't give anyone the key, except your girlfriend, if you'd like her to have access to the house.
Then tell your family that you needed more space and personal freedom and as you are legally and emotionally and in every way an adult, you took your adult self to a new location in order to experience that space and freedom. Be nice, be sweet. But also be firm and consistent. Don't apologize or make a big scene. Just let them know you moved out and that you'll do your best to help out from time to time.
No doubt there will be some guilt trips laid on you; no doubt they will be unsettled and make a fuss. Rise above it, retreat to your new space and let them sort out their own circumstances.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (15 May 2012):
 There are lots of points that I would like to touch upon here.
First, you want to propose to your girlfriend. Why? Instead of resolving the mess that you are in, it seems you are just trying to mark your territory, make sure the ex gets the message and your parents BETTER respect your g/f.
That's not how it happens OP. Plan on getting married only when you are a 100% financially stable. Getting engaged just to demand the respect that you think you deserve, is a horrible idea. "I want to be engaged, and I want us to be treated like a couple that will get married."
Second, your parents, despite being Indian, are being extremely liberal with you by allowing not one but TWO girlfriends to stay at your place! Do you think they like it? Who would? You cant even get your ex to leave, how on EARTH do you think you're ready to get married? Your parents are right, you're not.
If you want to live together with your G/f and you dont like your parents complaining, then move out. You cant stay with them and dictate your terms, when in any case they've been far more understanding than any average Indian parents. You are just blaming them and looking down upon them but you're the one who's behaving like a spoilt kid.
If you are capable enough of giving your parents thousands of dollars as you say, then you are also financially capable of moving out. What's stopping you?
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (15 May 2012):
 You are 21 is there a reason you don't move out?
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A
female
reader, chickpea2011 +, writes (15 May 2012):
 Hi pancakewaffle,
Right now you have no choice but accept your life and try to be calm. Your parents are adults, unfortunately they had a difficult life, that's why they are this way and your poor mom is bitter because of life. You cannot change your parents, they are your family and they will be part of your life forever. The truth is, your mom, dad and yourself are all victims. Nobody chose this kind of life and it's no one faults. Sometimes, things happen in life, now you are face in this situation and the only thing you can do is make the best of it. I know it's too much for a young guy to take, so much stress, pressure, but if you act angry you'll only make things worse and nothing will get solve. I am from a very traditional family, and somehow can relate to you. I know you are an adult, you have the right to do whatever you want, make any decisions, but you still live at home, regards less the fact that you give your family thousands of dollars, still your parents home, and the reason they don't let you and your girlfriend share a room is because you are not married, and it's a matter of "respect". It's not about treating you like a child, or controlling you, hope you understand that.... Now, about the engament, I'll suggest to sit your parents down, make sure they are in ok mood, and be calm and explain to them about your plans, make them understand that you know you are still young, and you are not planning to get married for another 5 years. I am sure if you talk to them nicely they'll understand and approve. The ex living at your home is a big problem. As much as you hate her, and between us, you have the right to feel this way, try to keel civil between you and your ex, at least for the time being while she's staying with your family. She's definitely weird to live in your home, trying to get you back knowing you have a girlfriend. Sorry to say this, but something is wrong mentally with your ex, and you need to be careful with unstable people like that, the more you show anger and push them away, they more they get in your face. I know you are young, all you want to do is have fun and enjoy life. I am sure you sick of all the stress around you, it's painful to see your parents not happy, but be wise and smart. Although your life is not perfect, try to make the best of it. It all depends on you and how you handle the situation. When you feel overwhelmed, stop, go out, get a cup of coffee, let things cool down. Your ex needs to move out! Maybe, when the time is right, talk to your ex nicely, tell her to move out, use the excuse like you care for her, and tell her its good for her to move out and make new goals... Respect your parents, I think that's very important for them.
Best wishes and good luck!
Ps: I am sorry that your parents are not happy, I have friends in similar situation and have seen with my own eyes, so I understand how difficult it's to deal at times, but you are young, you still have time and the chance to make a good life for yourself. And make your parents an example why you should work hard, be positive so you won't end up like them.
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