A
female
age
36-40,
*omoftwo
writes:My husband's parents won't butt out of our business they try to tell us how to live our lives and raise our two children. They don't respect us as parents and they cause us to fight all the time because of their bickering, how do I let them know they are causing so many problems in our marriage without making them want to destroy our marriage? Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2007): Having spent 15 years letting my parents in law ruin my marriage I know where you are coming from. However the problem has been because I have been a lonely voice and my husband would never 'dare' speak to them about the way they are. You may have the same problem however your husband needs to see pretty damn quickly that it is totally unacceptable to allow his parents to cause this much of a problem. You are both adults and have your own family. Sit down as a couple with them and let your husband speak. His words need to be calm and extremely clear and direct about how you both feel and where the boundaries (that you and he have both agreed beforehand) stand. His parents need to see their son has his loyalty firmly with his wife and children first and foremost. They need to back off and respect both of you. You may find their 'energy' and over-interest in you two is actually because their own relationship is far from good. If your husband cannot stand by you and see the distress and decide he is not going to let you and him suffer any more then please do not do what I have done and wait until your husband changes - decide whether or not you want to live in a toxic, negative dynamic. If you don't then find someone who is loyal to you emotionally.
A
female
reader, Yogichickk +, writes (21 October 2007):
 Don't talk back. Ignore.
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A
female
reader, MadMia  +, writes (21 October 2007):
I can't imagine they'd ever want to 'destroy' your marriage. I assume everything their doing is because they want to help, what they don't realise is that you and your husband need to figure things out on your own, and they're imput though appreciated, isn't needed. You need to make your feelings clear on the matter. In a mature, to the point, no debate way. You and your husband also need a talk, you need to stick together! This is you and him, against the world. If either of you allow anyone else to get too involved - note 'too' everyone needs a little advice sometimes - then it will drive you apart and cause arguements bigger than they need to be between people that shouldn't even be involved. Discus what you both want, alone, with each other, then stick to that - don't forget to compramise - then together, as a team, explain to those interfers, how you feel, make sure though that they understand you really appreciate their help, but don't want it. Good luck. Mia
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A
female
reader, flower girl +, writes (20 October 2007):
 How does your husband feel about this?, if he feels the same way as you then maybe he could try talking to them, he needs to tell them he is an adult now and the two of you are perfectly capable of leading your own lives and making your own mistakes, and you would apprieciate it if they could respect that and if you need their help with anything you will ask.
Take care.xx.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (20 October 2007):
 Let them know their causing issues. There is a nice way to do it. "We respect your insight and respect your position as grandparents, but we feel as if you're not respecting our position as parents. We can work together, but we have to do so without bickering, because we don't want the children to grow up thinking this behavior is OK."
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