A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I live with my husband My son whose 14 and my husband son who is 12.... my son is severely disabled...My husband has older children in their 20s and they are always crude when we see them we carnt do right for wrong the last meeting we took them out for lunch... yet they sat their calling thier brother names and told me if they had a step mum like me they would kick off .. and then they started laughing about disabled people and trying to get me to join in ... that would never happen .. I have my own son with life limiting disability , and look after other people's kids when they need a break . I wanted to hit them for being mean obviously I didn't but why are they nasty like this . If it was anyone else I wouldn't see them again but I know if I dont go my husband wont go either and I will get the blame .
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2021): Why are they like it? Probably jealousy and think you will take their inheritance for yourself and your son. Probably also because your husband has let them get away with it. He is their dad and he needs to step up and put them in their place. But you also need to stand up for yourself and your son. If they are rude, just walk away and wait for an apology. If it doesn't come, well that's their loss. They are adults and they ought to know better.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2021): " I dont want to be the cause for him not speaking to his kids ..."
Then what kind of advice were you expecting when you tell us your husband's adult-children say horrible things to both of you, and torment his youngest son?
Even with your follow-up post, OP, I just don't get it. If your husband knows his adult-children tease and torment his youngest, and they insult you, why does he allow them to???
I think you're being defensive of your husband, and "he's not" standing-up for his family. The first post makes it seem as if your husband is indifferent, or just doesn't say anything; while his older-children tease the youngest child, and insult you, making awful references towards your disabled-son. What kind of man would standby while this is happening to his family?
So who's protecting the younger boys? You don't want him not to speak to his rotten older-kids? Oh please!!!
Then why would he allow them around you and the boys, knowing how they treat you? No, I'm sorry, this just doesn't add-up.
It would seem he'd avoid the oldest, and not allow them to come around; to protect all of you. That's what a father and husband is supposed to do.
Is he afraid of them, or what? Was he not there for his older-children, maybe that's why they're mean and resentful? Even still, it seems he wouldn't allow them to come around; if they don't like you, say terrible things about the younger-boys, and show him disrespect.
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (23 November 2021):
 Sit your husband down and lay it out for him.
That you want him to still see his older boys, but you and the younger boys need a break from the two older ones because they are being bullies.
So for a while, HE will have to go on his own to see them.
See how that goes.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2021): I can say I dont know how the older kids ended up like this .. apart from the mum was similar my husband is nothing like them at all neither my stepson my husband and stepson are gentle compared to me ... I am not calm when someone insults anyone I love .. I am fierce.. .. the older kids dont live near us so they dont come round uninvited.. my husband doesn't want to see them as it's always drama it's me that pushes the relationship as they already lost thier mum ... but I will be keeping away from them it's not worth the hassle.. I know I have tried .. thank you .
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2021): My husband does tell them and they have always had digs at all of us and we are definitely not bringing our kids up to be 'tough' so they constantly call there young brother fat now hes not fat so now they accuse me of not feeding him .. if my husband does not give them money hes a useless dad fat t××t etc .. thier mum died when they were young of drugs (me and my husband have never touched drugs) so he always 'gets over what they do' I am no wall flower I can stand up for myself but if I said to much it would be done ... I dont want to be the cause for him not speaking to his kids ... he always has my back over this .. i have a great relationship with his youngest son who lives with us as does he with my son ..
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female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (23 November 2021):
 Op this is sad. You need to stand up for your children and yourself. I am confused. Do they do this in front of your husband? I rather doubt it but not totally clear to me. Become a mama tigress. Do not allow those brats to attack your cold or you. Show them teeth darling. How dare they speak in such a manner. Tell your husband. He needs to out his kids in their places. Absolutely horrible behaviors refuse to be around them if they can't be mature and kind. You have to stand up for yourself sweetie. Refuse to be around his kids. They are way too old to act the way they are. Bring the Hammer down and let the chips fall where they may.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2021): They'll go only as far as your so-called HUSBAND will allow them to. If he's sitting there during all this, he's condoning their behavior. Now you're telling us, you've dated this guy, then got engaged; and you're now married. Up until now, they've never been this rude?
If they're doing any of this behind his back, why haven't you told him how they talk to you and bully the younger-boy? Let me guess, your husband is one of those kinds of insufferable blokes who thinks this makes boys tough! To some degree it does, and too much breaks their spirit!
You had to have had some clue his adult-children were going to be a problem. They must have tried everything under the sun to keep you from marrying their father! It's hard to believe they were silent until now.
If you're sitting there steaming; but not saying a word in defense of yourself, or your son. Why doesn't your husband intervene? Then I suppose, it's because you don't want to upset your husband. Otherwise, you'll passively sit there; enduring all this right in-front of him. While he doesn't say a word to defend his new family.
Here's what's going to happen. You're going to take it; until you can't take it anymore! You'll get tired of people walking all over you; while he sits there like nothing is happening. You're going to blow-up, and everybody will know they've hit your last and final sore-nerve! Playing the nice lady ain't working for you is it??? You have a right to protect and defend your son, and yourself; but you shouldn't even have to!!!
Here's my opinion. If he's the kind of man who'd raise disgusting spawn like those you've described; they always say the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Your husband has to be as obnoxious and crude as they are; if he'll sit there, and let you suffer through it. While you feel you'll upset him to bring it to his attention. Oh well! You didn't survey the room before you married into that family? Now look what you have to live with!
If it will make him angry, that's good; because he left it up to you to deal with the situation. You've turned the other cheek, and they've slapped that one too. Then turned, and showed you their big-ole stinky bums!
Get a backbone, or get a divorce. They can smell your fear; and they will crush you, if you timidly sit there in silence.
You must have married the wrong-guy; if he sits there and allows his adult-children to disrespect and insult you. Even worse, make fun of your disabled-child! You don't even have to be around them; if you don't want to. I'd refuse to go anywhere, if they're coming. Hell would freeze over, before I'd let them cross the threshold of my home; unless their father was there. I'd leave them standing there knocking.
If they're ever in your home behaving like this, don't you even have a voice about how your guests behave? Are you tolerating their toxic behavior pretending to get along with them, so you won't "upset" their father? If so, why???
Time to be a lioness, and protect your cubs. Let those hyenas see your fangs and claws, mama! Forbid them around your son; and protect your step-son when you see they're bullying him.
Otherwise, you've just come here to vent. Not to seek and use the advice you're offered. I wish I could be there, I'd defend you and your two boys!!! Unfortunately, it's up to you to insist your husband intervene; and back you up, when you are forced to address their mockery and bullying.
Somehow, I just know your husband has got to be just as bad as they are! I just know it!
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (22 November 2021):
 What the actual hell is going on here? Children behaving in this way would be bad enough, but adults? That is just inexcusable.
I have to agree with Honeypie; your priority needs to be the younger children. Let your husband go and see his incredibly rude offspring on his own.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2021): An insult is not funny¤ but hurts.
Tell him what happene at lunch with the older kids
If i were u i'll put my foot down°
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (22 November 2021):
Next time, take the two youngest out for lunch, your husband can GO alone to meet his other kids.
Your husband might get mad, but in the overall picture, IT IS YOUR job (and his) to protect the two younger kids. Your husband might not want to go either but THESE adult kids are HIS, he is partly to blame for them having learned no civility or manners. He can't just skip out on meeting up with them and then YOU get the blame, that is insane. He needs to stand up for you and the younger kids.
The two in their 20's who act rude and bratty ONLY act this way because they get away with it.
TELL your husband enough is enough. That HE should go have lunch with the two in their 20's (they ARE his kids after all) but you and the two younger will not sit there and be insulted and the but of the jokes.
If the two in their 20's can't treat YOU and the two younger boys with some semblance of being polite decent people, you are NOT going to go again. And you are not putting the younger boys through a lunch where they are being bullied.
The jokes aren't meant to be funny, they are meant to hurt.
Put your foot down.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2021): It is not your fault if they are mean, and nobody would blame you for making excuses not to go. If you do not go because of whatever and your husband also chooses not to go then that is down to him, not your fault. He decides whether he goes or not separately to you and they are his children not yours.
He is far more obligated to stay in touch with them and see them than you are and he is at least partly responsible for how they are. Children have been brought up by someone and the better their upbringing the nicer and more grown up they are. Who brought these brats up to be so nasty? Not you. But someone did. Most people would feel sick at the idea of spending time with such brats but it is even worse when you have a disabled son, help other people with disabilities and are kind natured and normal yourself. It must be torture for you to meet up with them, I am sure that whenever it comes up you dread it and squirm at the idea. You also sound like a busy person who could easily find better things to do in that time. I would not say that you do not want to go because they are awful - to your husband. I would find excuses. You might have a terrible migraine this time or you might have double booked by mistake "mistake???" to help such and such a person who you cannot let down, oh dear what a shame! He may or may not work out it is an excuse but he could not know for sure or prove it. To never go and be honest about why is snubbing his off spring, which is insulting him, even when they deserve it.
My husband has a nephew who is very much like your step kids. He used to make arrangements to see him regularly, make a big fuss of him, spend his last penny on him buying him expensive presents, and never once did he get a word of thanks or appreciation and often the boy was very rude to him. The last time he came to stay with us for a week he said to my husband what a loser he is, that he will be a lot richer when he is his age, that he would be ashamed to have such a small car etc. It was deliberately abusive and nasty, as if he wanted a fight and to feel like the big I am. He is about 12 and has no idea about work, money etc. Only what he wants to spend it on. I heard all sorts from other people, reliable sources, about him being in trouble with the police over and over again. It made me cringe.
I have never ever been involved in any way with the police.
I don't start fights, swear or anything, and then this comes along. But it took me a long time to tell my husband what I thought because he was blind to it and kept making excuses for him.
I know a couple where the guy goes to visit his sister very rarely - because he finds her and her family and lifestyle very boring - and it is. And his wife never ever goes with him. She just does not want to. She is not busy, she does no sort of work. She simply decided it is up to her if she goes or not and does not care what his sister thinks.
I think you should start thinking a bit more that way too, more about yourself than pleasing others all the time.
Don't be the sacrificial lamb all the time. But you can be more subtle and less obvious about it to make your husband a bit happier.
My husband sometimes visits some of his family that I do not like. I never go with him. I always get a terrible period pain or migraine when it is due, strange that. He has never cottoned on. Don't forget that you and your husband are two individuals. He makes his own choices. He does not have to decide not to go because you cannot or do not go. That is his choice. If he is silly enough to decide not to go just because you do not that is down to him not you. But it gives me some idea of why they have turned out to be such brats. Perhaps they needed a more reliable and loving father figure when they were younger.
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