A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:HiI'm wondering how grief can affect your thinking and maybe make you lose perspective. My friend recently lost a close relative.. Since then he doesn't seem to care about our friendship, starting telling me lies, going to night clubs and getting wasted and also on a dating site with false information so no one would know him. so it makes me believe it's only for casual flings. I'm worried about his behavior and how he has changed. I noticed a slight change before the death as they knew it was coming. Four months in this is how they are behaving, I know it's early days with grief. I feel like I'm losing a good friend and I don't know what to do. He got defensive when I told him that I knew what he was doing and lying to me. It's hurting now because we were such close friends and he wouldn't have dreamt of hurting me before this and now I even feel like he hates I told him this and it was met with silence. He said he needs space from me but I think it's because I know he was lying to me about where he was and stuff and he's embarrassed I found out. He said he's not mad with me that he just needs to sort out some things. Thanks.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2021): I meant to say:
"If they are on a fast-track to self-destruction; you have to get out of their way!"
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2021): Step-away and let him deal with his grief. You cannot force your support onto a grieving-person. They have to be receptive to it; otherwise, you'll become a pest, or a target of their wrath. He isn't showing a positive-response to your concern; that means his problems are none of your business. He shouldn't have to tell you that. Allow him the option and dignity to hide his shame. We all have times we don't need observers, or to be seen at our worst.
There are also times when you offer your support, only if and when needed. Then you back-off, and stand on the sidelines out of the way. You may be losing a friend; but he's not a child. He has to trash himself, hit rock-bottom; and then have to raise himself backup. You are your brother's keeper; but if he refuses your help, you must leave him alone. Don't look upon his shame.
Sometimes being a friend, is knowing when to back-away. He's not concerned about your feelings right-now. It's his pain and grief he's struggling with. If he hurts himself, that's not all attributed to grief; it's also stupidity. You don't feel better by hurting yourself.
If you can't bear to watch, then you have to stop looking. Let him miss you, and come to you. You can't always ease their suffering or comfort other people. Some things have to be left to God; because they are far beyond our control. Pray for him; and seek your own peace through God, if you believe. God will send you on a mission when the time is right.
Sometimes, God Himself is divinely intervening; letting us know when it is time to let-go of some friends. If they are a fast-track to self-destruction; you have to get out of their way! You shouldn't stand on the tracks when you know there's about to be a train wreck. There are occasions, if people want our help; they'd prefer to ask for it. They don't always want you as a spectator; watching, while they're going through a personal-hell. He will let you know when he needs you; and he already knows you'll be there when he does. You have your past record of loyalty to remind him.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (22 November 2021):
 It's great that you care so much for your friend but you can't live his life for him. He has to make his own choices and his own mistakes (if, indeed, they end up as such). He is hurting at present and this is his way of blanking out the pain.
In your shoes I would tell him you are stepping back because it pains you too much to see him in self destruct mode but that you will always be there for him if he needs to reach out at some point.
Then walk away and live your own life. Hopefully, in time, he will find himself again and your friendship can be revived. If not, then that is out of your control.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2021): U wont force him to listen to U now,he GRIEFs
if i be in his shoes i wont do differently
give him his space he'll be ok
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (22 November 2021):
 People do react differently to grief. His way of coping seems really unhealthy, I would just let him know if he needs to talk, you will listen.
You are not his therapist, you can't fix his hurt. If he doesn't want to hear the truth, it's because he already knows it but is ignoring it. Like the saying, you can drag a horse to water but you can't make it drink.
You can point out to your friend that his behavior is irresponsible and unhealthy - he ALREADY knows. He just doesn't CARE right now.
I know it's hard to watch a friend do stupid stuff, it is his life, you can't live it for him. He has to make his own choices and then live with the consequences.
It is good that you are trying to be his friend and maybe in time he will realize what you said is true.
For now, give him the space he asked for.
If you still occasionally talk, suggest he talks to someone neutral about his grief, like a priest or counselor. They are better equipped to deal with it and they are not personally invested or involved as you are.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2021): If a close friend wants to go on dating sites etc that is up to them, you cannot decide their future, lifestyle choices and feelings. If they are very close they will eventually talk to you about it, but they do not have to. It is their choice. Perhaps they were not as close to you as you like to believe. You sound very judgmental as if they need your permission.
You are not their mother or father. They do not have to justify their choices. Sometimes when people die people can go a bit weird for a bit through grief. Sometimes they think about how they will die one day and want to make the most of life and cram it in in case they die too. Whatever it is is not really your place to judge. They may be right they may be wrong. There must be times you have done things they did not agree with but kept their mouth shut. Some of why they are lying to you and avoiding you will be because they see you as being interfering, nosey and too judgmental, not because of any other reason, so if you lose them as a friend you will be at least half way to blame.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2021): This sound like you are more than friends but either way you need to give time and space .. text once a week to 'check in' and let them know you are there when they are feeling better ... if they go on dating sites its nothing to do with you really even if they lie to get what they want so stop judging and snooping on them ..
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