A
female
age
30-35,
*oTHiiNg ReAlLy
writes:Well basically my husband is an alcoholic which I didnt know when I met him and didnt know for a while after we started dating. Anyways, I fell in love with him, and eventually relized he drinks a lot (everyday). I told him that i didnt want to be with an alcoholic because of a bunch of past family problems i have had with alcohol and that it really bothered me. He promised me that he would quit drinking, so i stayed with him and ended up marrying him in hopes that he really would quit, well its now a year and a half later and he still drinks just as much as when i met him. I told him i was going to leave him if he didnt quit drinking and its almost like he doesnt care, doesnt believe i will leave, or knows i am not financially stable enough to go anywhere, so im pretty much stuck and hes still not even attempting to quit drinking. Well yesterday was my birthday and he didnt get me anything for my birthday because as he put it we cannot afford it, YET he brought home beer and said that his birthday present to me was that he was going to quit drinking. Then today he bought beer which completely went against what he said my birthday present was.I mean i like him. He used to be the most amazing man in my eyes but lately hes been treating me badly and trying to make everything seem like its my fault. we havent been getting along at all and he has still been drinking. Another thing is we used to have sex everyday, sometimes two or three times a day but for the past few months hes been making excuses as to why he doesnt want to have sex, like hes too tired or not in the mood. i dont get it. I dont really think hes cheating although misteriously a month or so ago his hours at work changed and he now has to work 2-3 extra hours a day.i need to know what you guys would do or think. i mean im to the point where i really dont like him anymore. I mean i do love him, but i am not in love with him. I feel horrible laying in bed with him at night. When i look at him i dont see that wonderfly sweet, sensitive, amazing man i fell in love with, i see someone completely different, i see a stranger, a old man (hes 15 years older than me). It is really hard to explain because i dislike him in so many ways but then again i am still here obviously and still try to have sex with him, and try to get along with him, and it still breaks my heart that he isnt treating me well.Honestly if i had the money to leave, and could find a place in the city i live in so that i could still do my daycare, i would just leave, but i cant, so any advise as to what i should do the either help our relationship or cope with it untill i can leave or why he may be acting like this is greatly appreciated?P.S. Thank you for all your advice and if you want to know more info bout my situation i can post more, trust me, theres plenty, all you have to do is ask! thank you once again!
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female
reader, HIs TwoLoves +, writes (16 September 2010):
I have read all of the Questions and Answers RE: My husband won't put me above beer. I need to say my screen name I have taken from my ex fiance. I guess he said it as honestly as he could. He and I have been broken up since June 03, 2010. We were to be married on June 05, 2010 but I could not do it. I will explain more later. But after I moved out he started a Blog - Titled My TWO LOVES- And of course it is BEER and Me. I don't know if I should be pround of him for addmitting it or pissed that I am in compatition with Liquid....
Anyway, how do you deal with an alcholic that will not admit to being an alcholic but admits to being a Drunk. Cannot really see the difference but clearly he does. My story is the same. No money for food, Bills, clothes, movies, But always enough $$$ for Beer. We had been living together for 2.5 years on and off and his drinking had gotten better, He gave up Jack because that just made him a jerk. And he felt guilty for the things he did while drinking whiskey. But the BEER. That is a different story. He would drink 30 a night. I would say that would constitute and alcholic but he disagreed with me. But he slowly cut back to 12 a night. I asked that he not buy anything larger than a 12 pack and he obliged but found the loop hole/ the fly in the ointment... He would drink the 12 and go out to the truck and get another 12, he then would look at me and say "you said no more than 12 in the house at a time" So I only brought in 12 you didn't say no more than 12 a day." Never intended on being my fiances baby sitter... But that is what I had turned into the Alchol Police. And yes just like all of you I look at the man that I love with all my heart and could hardly stomache the sight of him when he was drinking which was most of the time. Did not understand and do not understand why this man that appears to be confident, self supportive has such an issue.
So we were to be married On June 05, 2010. I can home from a class I had to take on June 03, 2010 and walked in the door he stummbled over a chair and told me how happy he was that we were to be married in just a few short hours as he put it. I told him we had to talk about somethings and being that he had been drinking his temper was short, he got angry ripped up the marriage licence and that was it. I got kicked out of my house and not married. I love him so very much, I love the man he is when he is not drinking and he says that I am trying to change him. Am I the only one out there that can see these people as the human beings that they are minus their habbit? I do not see him as his Habit I see him as the Love of my Life that is Gone Alot and I am left with this other person that I would not give the time of day to.. So How do I get over this heart ache and stay away from him since he blames this all on me anyway. And How do I explain to him in a way that he will understand that I do not want to change him, I love him I just do not love his habit that he feels defines him.. Please any advise is more than welcome. I am heart broke and tremdously sad. I know getting married right now would have been a mistake but to loose him completely is more than I can bare.
A
female
reader, CarynLlewellyn +, writes (1 September 2010):
Hi Honey,
First of all I'd like to say that I am in much the same boat as you...except that I no can longer support myself due to my health.
My advise to you is this, if you can steal away only pocket change, then do this...as it adds up you will feel slightly empowered knowing that you're doing at least something for yourself.
Take a good look at the man You married, evaluate him put it on your computer somewhere he can't get to it...keep a daily log of his behavior...this will open your eyes wider than they are now & releave the pain in your heart as you realize just how petty & selfish he actually is.
Do a self Assessment keeping a log of your own behavior & feelings regarding everything good & bad. This will help you to learn your strengths & weaknesses.
Keep up a good fascade(sp) so he doesn't think anything is different...but save those pennies etc...
Look around the house, what do you have that you're not using? Clothing, housewares etc...sell them for whatever you can get on Craigslist.org, a similar site or even try consignment. Squirrel this money away...remember this is Your Adventure...don't let him know anything as he'll just take your money & spend it on himself as he's been doing.
You'll be surprised to see how fast your change & sold items can add up.
Keep an eye out for a "cheap" mobile home...I've seen some lately for under $10,000 where people just wanted to get rid of them...I even saw a few for less than $5,000. While they were older models, they were in very good shape.
I know some people would rather die than live in a mobile home...but aren't you dying where you are emotionally? sexually? Aren't you Lonely for friends & family? Of course you are...and if you save your pennies you can start over & Have your own place, however humble...
It doesn't have to be your last home...just a place for you to "find" yourself again...
I'm grateful for this site as We can be supportive to/for each other...regardless of our current situations...We should hold hope in our hearts for a better life.
I wish you well & will keep you in my prayers.
May You ReClaim Your Inner Strength which has never left you, but been put on the back burner for someone obviously unworthy of such altruistic love. Take Care
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A
female
reader, RunsWithScissors +, writes (2 February 2009):
If you're concerned about him taking your money and you don't have a bank account yet, get your money put into traveler's checks with only YOUR name signed on them. Write the numbers for the checks down somewhere or email them to yourself, then if he tries to take them and use them he probably won't be able to (because they have only your signature) or if he's successful just call the numbers for the checks in and report them stolen. They will replace the traveler's checks, but be aware that if they catch him he will be prosecuted.
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A
female
reader, NoTHiiNg ReAlLy +, writes (23 January 2009):
NoTHiiNg ReAlLy is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank all of you who have written so far. i just wanted to update a little bit on whats going on and reply to some of what you all have written...
RunsWithScissors… “Find a place to go and follow through”
Okay so that sounds like a great idea in theory, and if I could do that I would but I do not have any money and do not have any friends or family out where I live now that I could stay with since I moved in with my husband (he doesn’t like me doing things with friends so people tend to not want to be my friend because I can never do anything). I also run an in-home daycare in my husband and my house, so if I left to somewhere else I would have to be able to watch children their. I mean otherwise I would have already left, I am just stuck here right now which makes this suck even worse. Also I read up on co-dependency, and it sounds pretty much like me, so thank you for that because I’m sure knowing that I can try to fix it. Also you mentioned not believing him when he begs and says he will change. I totally know what you are saying because I used to believe him and have faith in him because he said faith was what he needed from me, so I showed him that I believed in him, and still he drinks and keeps telling me to just trust him. I don’t think he will ever stop really.
MartiniBaby… “Save some me money”
About the money. My husband is a manager of USbank, and he makes decent money but racked up a ton of money on his credit cards before we met. I make about 1500 dollars a month off the two children I do daycare for and would love to make more money but its hard to find people needing childcare right now, and I have found a few that were just temp jobs and did them and then had more of an income, but it doesn’t matter how much I make because my husband takes all my money right when I get it because he says he needs it to pay bills which may be true, he does need some of it but he says he needs it all and I have figured out how much we pay a month for bills and have realized that I make quite a bit of extra cash above what he needs each month, but he still wont let me keep the money. I was going to set up my own bank account somewhere but I cant do that because my ID does not match my social security number ever since I changed my last name and have yet to change my ID, so I have to get that done in the next couple days. Anyways, basically its very hard for me to save any money but I got to save 40 dollars of this paycheck so that is cool. Any little bit helps. However he just informed me today that he needs that money, so I’m almost positive he will take it later tonight. I would hide it or something but then he will just get really mad at me and start a fight and I don’t want to fight with his kids around. You also said something about me loving and I just want to clarify that I do not think I am in love with him anymore, he is a completely different person now, and im not putting this all on him as im sure I have changed some too but I mean its hard to be nice all the time when im not getting anything from him in return for my niceness. It just gets tiring. I DO love him but not romantically. I love who he is as a person, a man, when he is not drunk. The very seldom times I see him not drinking, I really like him. He can be the biggest sweet heart in the world but when he drinks he is a completely different person. I know he loves me very much and his children adore me, the little one even calls me mommy but he just cannot give up the alcohol for me or his kids. I want to be fair to him though and not waste his life thinking I’m not going anywhere, when in all reality, if I could I would leave. If he didn’t drink and started to be nicer to me again I would stay, but why waste my life in the mean time. He was with his ex wife for 10 years and she finally left because he wouldn’t quit drinking and I don’t know why I think it is any different for me because obviously even after he left when there was still time to get her back he didn’t obviously because he is with me now. I try to tell him he needs help but he says he’s not an alcoholic and that he just likes drinking. I mean he really doesn’t think he is an alcoholic at all. Its devastating watching his life. He just lost custody of his oldest daughter who he’s had primary custody of for 11 years. It makes me sad because he wouldn’t even quit drinking to keep her away from her mothers house where she is allowed to drink, do drugs, have boys spend the night (shes 13 btw). I just don’t see how one person can give up so much for BEER.
I think I talk way too much, I am so sorry, its just hard for me to express what I mean without saying all that. For the few people who actually read all that.. I really feel for you!
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A
female
reader, MartiniBaby +, writes (23 January 2009):
Awww well ok first thing I have to say is, this is not the way you should be feeling [duh] ok enough of stating the obvious. I say that you should try to put in more ours at work, save some money, save some "me money" which is money you put down for yourself or anything extra that you have to do. Marriage is something that people do for "change" its a oath saying that you will do whatever it takes to make that person happy, and yes that does have a lot to do with changing your ways and quit doing some of the things you used to do. It's like your first real relationship when you were younger and that person meant everything to you and you do whatever for them. If your not happy sweetie then make yourself happy, if he wants to slack, let him do it by himself. He doesn't care well act like you don't either, it's mean but sometimes you can't show kindness to people who don't do the same to you. As for the sex....yea its weird that the woman wants it more than the guy, c'mon ITS SEX, YOU'RE MARRIED. Why not? As far as I see it, I say you should leave and try to build a better life for yourself. I understand you love him, but you don't feel it, I think if you're in love you should feel it right? He should look you in your eyes and tell you everything is going to be alright and he will change for you and more for himself because thats his health he's f***ing up. And I think he's acting the way he does because he knows your going to stay, you have to make him wonder whether or not your going to leave him sitting on his drunk ass or are you always going to be there with him. Like I said he doesn't care show him you could be just the same.
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A
female
reader, RunsWithScissors +, writes (23 January 2009):
You married him hoping he would change, there is a term for this and it's called co-dependency. Google the term. He may be addicted to alcohol but you are addicted to the relationship. There is an organization for co-dependents and it's call Al-Anon. They can help you break free from such toxic relationships.
He does not make any changes for the exact reason you mentioned...because he does not believe you will follow through on leaving. There is no incentive for him to change. You will have to work on finding a place to go so you can break free. He will beg you to come back, tell you he'll change, etc., etc. but don't believe it. Find a place to go and follow through, tell him you will still see him on a limited basis but that he has to commit to change and make significant progress before ever considering coming back. By committing to change I mean go to Alcoholic's Anonymous, etc. If he does not commit to the change then you know there's nothing you can do. Remember the Serenity Prayer: God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.
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