A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My husband gave me an ultimatum last week which was I needed to return home by Thursday otherwise he was going to his scheduled appointment with his attorney to end our marriage. I really need him to go to anger management or something since his verbal/emotional and even some physical abuse is what led me to leave in the first place. He mentioned he was going to do that too but he wanted a guarantee from me that I would return if he did go.Well here we are now. I did not return and he did go to his attorney but got so upset in the meeting that she told him he was not ready for a divorce and he should take some time to think about it. (he told me this) The truth is, he really doesn't want the divorce but can't handle us being separated so he's acting extreme like he always does by just trying to move forward with the divorce since I won't come home.He also went to anger management and has 5 more sessions. He told me if he goes through this and in 5 more weeks I still don't return, he's REALLY going to be mad. I tried to tell him what I needed in order to feel comfortable about returning but he wants me home immediately.Now he's so frustrated that he's telling me to just divorce HIM. If I don't feel safe and protected around him just divorce him, is what he said. I know that I probably should do just that but honestly...honestly, I'm scared. I don't even love him the same way because of all that has happened but I do care and I feel crushed that he's hurting, I'm hurting and feel so sad that what we had is gone. I suppose ideally I just want it back the way it was. :-(We've been separated for 5 weeks; together for 7 years; things spiralled downhill over the last 8 months of our 2 year marriage. So...Is it time for me to just do it? Just go file for divorce?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2010): from your post, it is very clear that you both love each other and just coz things have been mishandled from both sides ans you both are in to typical ego battle mind set. so my advice will be change your ways of getting his anger sessions. you can force him. so be togethor, try to calm him down and slowly let him change. no point in just losing all that you got and create much bigger issues to deal in your ego battle with you loving hubby,
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2010): Thank you ALL for your replies. They are helpful.
Danielepew: I really don't have any guarantees that he won't be violent again. I do have several examples of him continuing to be so forceful and demanding in our phone conversations however. And honestly, I have thoughts of him doing crazy things like when I'm walking from my car to the office I think of him coming out of no where and hurting me (I hear all those kinds of stories in the news.)
chigirl: He has a total of 6 sessions and they are group sessions. He's there with court mandated attendees; he's the only one there voluntarily. I think it's good he's doing something but I was hoping he'd have individual counseling. Individual counseling is helping me. He gave me the address/day/time of the sessions. One week before his first session he was visiting me to talk and he was very forceful and demanding when talking to me and then grabbed my arm and wouldn't release it. So I don't trust him to be alone with him. He's the sweetest, kindest guy under good circumstances. When he feels wronged, hurt, angry, frustrated, he blows up. We can't begin to resolve conflicts because once he gets like this he doesn't want to hear me say anything. He tells me I'm too opinionated.
The thing is, I think back on our dating and in hindsight he's always been this way. It was just never directed towards me until I started trying to talk to him about things that were bothering me in adjusting to marriage and living together. He didn't want to hear it. He doesn't drink, smoke, hang out with the guys, no infidelity...nothing...it's just this temper and how he reacts. He's told stories about this with his first wife; I've seen it towards his mother, his children, etc. I know this has to be deep rooted and so normal to him. He really is only going to anger mgmt in hopes of "satisfying" me so I'll return. I just can't. I am hurt and heartbroken because our relationship was so good before...well I suppose that was because I never ruffled his feathers before. I miss the good days.
TIMMD: I really don't think a few classes will change it. I've had 5 sessions of individual counseling to help myself with all of this and even though it's getting better, I'm still feeling so confused with all of this. I suppose, my heart and mind are battling each other. I can't imagine things REALLY improving in him without one on one counseling with a psychologist.
Thank you again for all the replies.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (8 July 2010):
 It doesn't really sound like he thinks it's HIS fault you left. Seems more like he is blaming you for his actions and inability to take it seriously.
Personally, I would contact a lawyer. I think your safety is WAY more important then his ego.
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A
male
reader, TimmD +, writes (8 July 2010):
 Agreed CaringGuy. When physical violence has been a part of a relationship, it's time to end it. Physical abuse, as well as verbal are types of control. He's trying to control you, whether it's beating, putting you down or worse. Since you did the right thing (leaving) he's scrambling to gain whatever kind of control he can (forcing divorce, etc). But don't fall for his excuses, he'll say whatever he can to get you back. He doesn't need just a few classes of anger management, he needs severe counseling, and more importantly he needs to WANT help. He's only doing it to get you back.
Trust me, if you go back things will not only go back to the way they were, they may get worse. He's been like this for almost a half of century, what makes you think a few classes will change that? File for divorce but absolutely, positively KEEP YOUR DISTANCE. Once he runs out of choices (when the divorce is official) there is a chance he'll get violent.
Remember, you left him for a reason - your safety. Don't convince yourself to ignore that reason.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (8 July 2010):
 How many sessions has he had so far? You said he has 5 more, but how many has he already been to? Are you in any contact with whomever he has this session with, or do you know anything about how a session like that works?
I hope you are in a safe spot right now where you feel you don't have to fear your husband. As I do not know the extend of this physical and verbal abuse it is hard to say just how empty his other threats to get "real mad" are. But, as long as you are in a safe spot, he can rage around as much as he wants knowing he wont be able to get to you. Maybe try and talk to him in a civilized manner (as I am hoping he is not a 100% lunatic) and tell him that if he keeps asking you to file for divorce you might very well do so, and that he should keep it real. No empty threats. No scares. For him not to go where he doesn't want. If he doesn't want a divorce he shouldn't tell you to file for one either. He needs to make up his mind and settle for one or the other: either he works on the marriage or he can opt for divorce.
You have been together for 7 years, and things spiraled down 8 months ago? What was the situation before, and how are they now? Do you know any cause for his anger to have suddenly spiraled? Does he drink?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2010): Dear Lady,
Firstly, I am so sorry for the pain and hurt you have endured since your beloved husband came into your life. I am sorry that you have been so beaten down and 'tamed' by your beloved that you would even sacrifice yourself, mind body and soul to endure more pain in name of your beloved husband. I am sorry that your beloved husband is giving you an ultimatum to come back to him or else he will divorce you despite him taking away your beautiful spirit and right to be truly loved....as you wish to be loved and loved with tenderness. Dear lady I am sorry for the fact that in this stage of your life you may just fold and give in after so much hurt. Dear lady, I am so proud that you actually had the guts to walk away from your 'beloved"? . Perhaps his time has now expired as so did your weakness in staying in a one sided relationship. You see Dear Lady...My dad continually abused my mother when I was a baby and then continued to follow on by abusing me until I was 26years old. I left, so did my sisters, my mother chose to stay. I am damaged from his abusive words, actions and hands. I continued to enter relationships with men whom were just like my dad, they all were abusive in some way. Dear Lady...I broke this cycle for myself, my integrity, my peace of mind and for the children I wish to have in the future. I imagine a life with a man who respects himself and respects me. Dear Lady, when men abuse they abuse because they are weak and seek strength in manipulating others to gain the upper hand. Dear Lady, when do think it will be time to be good to yourself as YOU YOURSELF ARE YOUR FIRST BELOVED.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (8 July 2010):
 Sounds like it would be a terrible mistake to go back there. Don't do it. It's very sad, but that's how it is.
What guarantee do you have that he will not be violent once you're in the same home again?
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (8 July 2010):
100% divorce him. While I agree with Chigirl that he really doesn't want to get a divorce, I am sure you would be putting yourself in danger. The moment physical violence enters a relationship, it's time to walk away. You can't be sure he went to anger management, as you weren't there. He doesn't want a divorce. What he wants is power. And if you go back, he gets his power. I don't think you can go back to a man who has so many anger problems and threatens to be REALLY MAD if you don't do as he says. Shows he's learned nothing at all, and isn't interested in learning.
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A
male
reader, The B man +, writes (8 July 2010):
 In a situation like this I cant really be to much help but I think that perhaps what yot might want to try is to sit him down, talk honestly on your feelings for eachother and about his faults and ask him on yours, then perhaps you can make some kind of deal that if you are willing to work on and change a fault of yours, then he would continue to go to anger management and work on this problem. But if this doesn't work, or if nobody else post any other solutions then you might...well, you know. Im SO sorry
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (8 July 2010):
Sit it out. He is going to anger management for a reason, just this reason! He is treathening you with divorce, when he wasn't able to go though with it himself (as it was an empty threat) he is testing you instead to see if you will dare to file for divorce. And if that does not work he has ensured you he will get REALLY mad if you do not return home.
But hey, isn't this EXACTLY the reason why you will not return home? Let him scream and yell all alone in the house... and take his classes. If he has learned anything from them he will understand that he can not bully you into coming home. Which is what he is doing right now, bullying you.
I don't think it is time to file for divorce. You have asked him to take the sessions and told him you will come home after he has completed them. See it through. If you leave him now I fear things will never get better, not for him or you. Divorce takes time and you will have him in your life for quite a bit, and it is a rough path. I believe he is just testing you, and trying to bully you. He is at his wits end, and unfortunately the only way of communication he knows is to yell and scream and threaten. Hopefully, if his sessions are successful, he will have learned how to communicate. When he is calm, and you feel secure with him, give him that second chance and go home.
But you can not expect changes fast... This is something he needs to work on continuously. And you will need to be strong and brave as well.
Don't return home now (that will only tell him it is okay for him to behave this way and that he can control you this way), and do not file for divorce (I suspect this to be another empty threat from him, to get a reaction). Sit it out. Don't react to his yelling. Let him rattle his cage. Then when he has calmed down you can respond to him.
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