A
female
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anonymous
writes:I've got serious issues, and no one to talk to. I have a great family, wonderful friends, but I'm so afraid of judgment.And now the plot has thickened.I'm 25, he's 29. My husband and I have been together 6 years, married 2. He is a former artist/graphic designer, currently a US Marine. Since he's been a Marine (last two years), I have been finishing my degree up at a school 5,000 miles away from him. We visit frequently though (school breaks and summer). I am an eternal optimist, a bit of a hippie, perpetually sunny and happy. Always being positive is a gift, but can also be a bit of a curse. My husband is the opposite, and has severe Depression. Following a serious suicide attempt last July, he's begun seeing a psychologist and psychiatrist and taking anti-depressants. He did land one more time in the hospital for "suicidal ideations", kinda - he was feeling very depressed, thinking about suicide, started hallucinating, told his psychologist and she sent him to the hospital. On a different note...Throughout the 6 years, he's cheated with 15-20 people - which equals probably hundreds of actual hook ups. With the exception of one, they were all men and mostly all for money. The one woman he tried with, he wasn't really into it, couldn't get it up. It failed, and after that incident was when the 'suicidal ideations' hospitalization happened. The cheating ties into the financial problems we would occasionally face, and him being lonely - every time I would go back home (the opposite coast), he'd definitely binge a bit. Okay - that's all the bad stuff. And it's pretty bad. Our good times are GREAT. With the exception of the cheating, he's great to me and there is truly nobody in this universe who could love me more (to the point I sometimes feel verrryyy depended on for his mental stability, health and happiness). He needs me. Anyway. So he's getting help - that was part of the deal. I said, listen - if you don't get help, I'm going to have to leave you. But now, after a year of medication - the psychiatrist wants to take him off of it because "most people stop taking them after a year". Keep in mind, this psychiatrist doesn't meet with him for therapy sessions, he just goes in every month for a 15 minute physical check up, a refill, and he's out the door.My husband is thrilled. He hates the medication - for emotional reasons (hates feeling "abnormal", hates that the military makes him take it, hates taking the pills in the morning). I think this is a GOD AWFUL idea. TERRIBLE. He's not even better yet! That suicidal ideation incident was only 5 months ago! I still hear the depression speaking on the phone. He isn't well yet. Why would they take him off, when he is clearly still struggling and NOT WELL?They aren't the ones who have spent at least 3-4 nights a month watching him face-down on the bed with a pillow over his face, in hysterics, irrational, convinced that he is a failure and all the bad things in the world around him are because of his failures. They don't have to be scared to death when far away, always fearing the worst, wondering if he'll be safe or if he's doing something dangerous to himself. The emotional rollercoaster is so awful and stressful. I've told him that I was concerned - he got terribly upset that I have no confidence in him. Then I went the next step and said that I wouldn't sit around playing roulette with his health. He still wouldn't budge. It doesn't help that I've gotten a severe crush (feels like a little more than that) on someone else. I've been 100% loyal, honest and good in our relationship and marriage - I am no cheat. I won't cheat. The timing is just really bad, I guess. I'll get over it, but it's not making things any easier. I realize ya'll aren't doctors. My question, I suppose is:Does it sound like going off of anti-depressants is actually a good idea? Does everyone actually do this after a year?What should I do in this situation? Thank you! I can't talk to my pals, especially about the cheating, I'm so embarrassed.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (10 October 2011):
 "most people go off of them after a year" shocked face here OMG where did this doctor get his/her degree SEARS???
UMMM NO.... Depression is a neurobiochemical imbalance. do most diabetics go off of their insulin after a year? do most folks who wear glasses stop wearing them after a year.
I can't address the cheating with men for money as I am not even sure how to advise you on that one without being useless so just a HUG to you for suffering through this painful time with a man you love...
A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (10 October 2011):
I have to agree with the anonymous reader who first posted her answer. Where is your sense of self worth? He's cheating on you, he's putting you at risk for STD's, he's depending on you to deal with his problems while he isn't being cooperative and even brings up the whole "don't you have any confidence in me" deal. Confidence? Hello? That went out of the window the moment he went out and disrespected you by cheating on you with countless of people, even prostitutes.
I get that you two have good moments together, but how can that be enough to justify him completely stepping on everything you stand for? If someone does not want to be helped, let them go. It's not your responsibility.You tried your best, you voiced your concerns many times. Now stick to your words and leave. If you don't he'll know that you're all bark and no bite, which means he can take you for granted (which he already does). No, I don't think it's a good idea for him to go off his meds, but since he's the one that has to take them I doubt you'll be able to convince him if he doesn't want to.
Let him go. A upbeat, positive girl like you deserves more than someone so tangled up in their own mess they don't care that they're dragging down someone else with them (and completely insulting their loyalty with his disloyalty).
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A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (10 October 2011):
 You are right, your husband should NOT be going off his meds now because he is still in therapy and has a past serious history of suicidal tendencies AND attempt.
I would talk to his Dr (who may not be able talk to you due to client confidentiality) that you are concerned about him being a danger to himself (not to mention breaking the law with prostitution)if he goes off his meds.
Take steps to find an outlet for yourself. (Counseling, meds if YOU need them, etc.) Take steps to be SAFE. Hopefully, you have had yourself tested for disease. If you are sexually active with your husband, take ALL precautions available. Yep, condoms. No exceptions.
If your husband has not addressed it with you, I would hope he is addressing WHY he cheats. Sexual addiction, sexual orientation issues, etc.
Remember that you are not responsible for his actions. He may need you, but make sure you are not entering into a codependant relationship where you both feed off of eachother like emotional vampires. Some people get too addicted to being needed/wanted.
Be cautious about turning to someone else that might look like a safer, more loving place to be. Running into some elses arms might be a good temp fix, but in the long run you find yourself empty.
Also, find out in your state how to report and get help for someone who is a threat to themselves. In most states, you can call 911 and they go under custodial evaluation. If your husband insists on going off his meds, have a plan how to handle any chaotic situations.
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A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (10 October 2011):
You are right, your husband should NOT be going off his meds now because he is still in therapy and has a past serious history of suicidal tendencies AND attempt.
I would talk to his Dr (who may not be able talk to you due to client confidentiality) that you are concerned about him being a danger to himself (not to mention breaking the law with prostitution)if he goes off his meds.
Take steps to find an outlet for yourself. (Counseling, meds if YOU need them, etc.) Take steps to be SAFE. Hopefully, you have had yourself tested for disease. If you are sexually active with your husband, take ALL precautions available. Yep, condoms. No exceptions.
If your husband has not addressed it with you, I would hope he is addressing WHY he cheats. Sexual addiction, sexual orientation issues, etc.
Remember that you are not responsible for his actions. He may need you, but make sure you are not entering into a codependant relationship where you both feed off of eachother like emotional vampires. Some people get too addicted to being needed/wanted.
Be cautious about turning to someone else that might look like a safer, more loving place to be. Running into some elses arms might be a good temp fix, but in the long run you find yourself empty.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2011): I have been on anti-depressants, and was on them for 3 years, so not everyone does go off them after one year, each person is different. I will say though that although they do help in some ways, they do have aspects to them that can make life hell who is taking them. I personally felt like I always had something tight gripping my head, it caused me to be very angry and frustrated all the time, which is not who I usually am. I also found that I was very cloudy, unable to concentrate properly for long periods of time and was very forgetful, which made things worse. My tablets were changed a number of times, but I found I felt the same way on them. When I was taken off them, my family was concerned, but they gave me support and showed some faith in me, and it helped I am now much better. I was suicidal which is why I was put on them, but now I am much better and getting back to being me. I am not going to say that is a good or bad idea for him to go off his medication as I don't know him and so I really don't know. I just thought that maybe you might find some help in knowing someone else's experience with anti-depressants. The thing he needs to admit to himself what the true cause of his depression is and I think it may be that he is struggling with his sexuality, which only he can face up to. I wish you the best of luck.
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A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (10 October 2011):
 i mean, you've told him you've felt it's too soon? if so and he doesn't care then i think this is him breaking your deal. You seem sweet and I don't want to judge you for your choices, but i'm more in light with the first poster.Considering that it's probably harder to find male prostitutes than female ones, that the one female he decided to go with he couldn't get it up....you're hoping that antidepressants will make him not depressed about cheating on you and/or compulsively having sexual relations with men. i think the bigger picture is that whlie antidepressants is going to curb or control the depression stemming from cheating, it is not going to fix the stem of the cheating. the way that the suicidal ideation came up, it seems like he wanted to prove to himself that he was straight and he didn't just have a sexual problem in his relationship but when it didn't work with this girl, he just wanted to end it all. this is beyond what the meds you hope he takes. In my view, it's beyond couples counseling, although you seem so committed to him that I think you need to push for this if you're not willing to let go. if you're not ready to quit, you and he have to be willing to put 1000% in this.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2011): An add on to my last post, maybe you should talk to his phyciatrist. This will either have the physiciatrist ease your worries, or let your phyciatrist know whats really going on. Maybe you could suggest that the phyciatrist talks to his physcologist.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2011): I don't know what to do in this situation, mostly because I'm 14 lol. But i wanted to say congratulations for hanging in there for so long.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2011): Sorry... let me just get this straight. Your husband, who has severe mental problems and makes you deal with them, has cheated on you multiple times with men (suggesting a serious issue with confronting his sexual orientation) for money (AKA prostitution), putting you at risk for countless STD's, and you're worried about him staying on his medication??
Seriously??!
Time to pack your bags.
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