A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:My husband and I have been having some marriage troubles...he went away for a week claiming that he needed some time alone. I have recently gone onto Facebook and he is on there too. I have discovered all these sexy, love, suggestive bumper stickers from this 18 year old "friend" who is in a gtoup on the web he knows. They have a common interest, writing. I am pretty suspicious of this, he has been sending her "superpokes" like ....kisses, hugs, cuddles, dances, on the beach. The worst part is that I have just found out where this girl lives. Guess where my husband went? you guessed it. I looked at my VISA statement on-line and saw dinners at local restaurants there, liquor store charges,for more than what one would expect for a person alone, and of course the hotel. Is this just a coincidence or is it staring me in the face? I kind of confronted him about "your girlfriend" but of course he just laughed it off, said her mesages of love were because she was very religious and "loved" everyone. Today when I was on Facebook, I see a whole bunch of bumper stickers from her, including " sorry for doing strange thing in my sleep", I think you're cute and on and on. I don't know what to do...should I seriously confront him and what should I do if he denies it/says I'm paranoid?
View related questions:
facebook Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2008): Cheating men have usually one philosophy: 'Deny, deny, deny until you die'.
Some are so good at it, that we begin to think we might be the paranoid ones even when things are staring at us in the face, as is the case here. So play their own game with them: lie. He will only stop denying once you confront him with hard evidence, once you pretend that you don't simply suspect soemthing but that you KNOW it for a fact. Tell him you had someone follow him when he was there and that you know about his affair. Dont go into the details of what you supposedly know - no details means he is at a loss as he doesnt know how much you know. You therefore have the upper hand. He is likely to begin admitting things (vaguely and tentatively) and possibly, should you actually wish to forgive him, you might be able to engage in a constructive conversation as to what went wrong between you two.
Definitely sounds like mid-life crisis. But if he's casually keeping things on facebook and paying with your visa, aware that you can see these details, he either thinks you're an idiot for not putting 2 and 2 together, or he doesn't seem to care if you find out or not. Either way, this should make you reflect on the kind of man you are with.
So sorry. Maybe you will be able to construct something from this negative experience! Men have big egos and an 18-yr-old probably inflated it for a while, but that will wear off soon enough.. in the meantime, be strong and confident!
A
female
reader, miamia  +, writes (16 August 2008):
wow, talk about obvious.Confront him and if he pulls a 'your paranoid', 'o, come on' bullshit, keep your ground. Show him all the proof.
...............................
A
female
reader, pepper27  +, writes (15 August 2008):
 Hi Hunny
oh my heart goes out to you, Sweety your not paranoid this is happening..q1605 has it right love. You have all the proof you need dont sit there feeling as if you are wrong, Tell him you no whats going on.. I would pack a bag and go and stay at a friend or relative for the time being then if he is ready to talk you will have by then had time to decide what you want to do..Keep every detail of information hunny..I feel you deserve better than this in life sweetheart messages of religious love my arse..Dont let him treat you like a doormat your no paranoid fool love you are spot on..TAKE CARE OF YOU WITH LOVE N HUGS MANDY XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
...............................
A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (15 August 2008):
 It sounds very much like he's either sleeping with her or trying to. Either way, he's been completely dishonest and unfaithful to you. He needs to come clean, no question. Then you two need to discuss what needs to happen to make it right (like him canceling facebook and all contact with her at a minimum). My sympathies, and best of luck to you.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2008): The natural reaction is to believe the worst and put an end to your marriage. However, it maybe more a case of a cry for help. It sounds as if you have drifted apart and your husband, like all people, need to feel loved. If you offer a cold shoulder he would be bound to look elsewhere. He may have made love to an 18 year old but doubt this will turn into a long term relationship. Maybe he just wanted to be loved and she was there. I think you can point the finger but it is more constructive to see how you went from being happy together to the situation you have now. Hope it works out
...............................
A
female
reader, butterflyAJA +, writes (15 August 2008):
 It is obvious what he's done. And he used what you guys are going thru to go & do what he's doing. I'm truly sorry that you are going thru this.
This is not a coincidence but a fact that staring you in the face. you need to let it go.
...............................
A
female
reader, lotus mama808 +, writes (15 August 2008):
 "Honey, I don't think you'd be too keen on finding these on my facebook, and these types of charges on the Visa card", as you hand him the obvious evidence, would be what I'd do in your situation. When was the last time you had time alone? Maybe NOW is the time. Paranoid? Not hardly! You are smart enough to look at the obvious and make an educated assumption. It's a matter of how you handle it. Your husband should not know how anyone sleeps but you. Be smart, look past the b.s.
...............................
A
female
reader, hewokitty101 +, writes (15 August 2008):
divorce!!!!! i dont know what else to say
hes not a true husband!!!!!
divorce!!!
...............................
A
female
reader, superrrshawna +, writes (15 August 2008):
 this is no coincidence, and this is not paranoia. you need to dance your way out of his life because i agree with everything happy said. there is something going on!!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2008): you need to leave him.he knows what he did,and like any other guy,he'll deny it.don't stay with him.he's a cheater and a liar and is not worth being in your life anymore.hope
i helped and wish you the best.x
...............................
A
female
reader, happytochat  +, writes (15 August 2008):
It sure is staring you in the face!!
I disagree with your husbands view of what being religous means. If this girl is 'so religous' then why is she sleeping with a guy she isnt married to? I assume they shared a bed as she said sorry for doing strange things in my sleep.
Im sorry to say it but something is def going on. I know it must be hard to beleive because you dont want to beleive that sucha bad thing could happen. As hurtful it is, atleast you are finding out now and not 1 day later as every day is precious.
Confront him about this all again. Keep a copy of all the messages you have seen on his facebook from her (in case he deletes them). Dont let him make excuses for them.
You arent paranoid at all. I think you should leave him. The reason I suggest confronting him about it agian isb ecause maybe if you hear the truth from him it will make it easier for closure.
...............................
|
