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female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Im 20 years old and have 2 kids. My oldest is 4 and she is from a past relationship. Im now married and we just had our son in February. Recently my husband has been talking about having a baby of his own with another woman. I thought he was kidding at first but he's really trying to convince me its ok. He says its only fair because I have a kid with someone else. He says he doesnt like telling people that our son is his first but I have two kids. He says he wont be with the other woman just get her pregnant and then share the time with the child. I tell him its not ok and he should've thought about all this before he married me. He knew I had a daughter and still chose to be with me and thats his problem he doesnt like it. I dont know what to tell him it seems like every reason I give him its just not good enough. He says I'm making it a big deal. Im not sure now. Is it really as bad as it sounds or am I overreacting? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Chung  +, writes (28 April 2013):
Seriously, sorry but he is a ............(dont think i can say on this forum. but u can guess) If a man wants to be with u he has to accept u and your child. And I think u know deep down that youre not over reacting. you know there is need for concern. I think u need to tell him to go along because no woman deserves to be treated that way. I think u know deep down what to do. Dont waste your time on someone who doesnt deserve u and is only going to play emotional mind games with u.
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male
reader, justsomeoldman +, writes (27 April 2013):
Your marriage is in real trouble!!, and all your indecision is accomplishing is to worsen your situation.
See a lawyer, this guy is cheating on you. My guess, he's already gone forward with this project of his.
You have grounds for divorce, and you should get out!!
However you wound up with him, you have made a serious mistake in judgment. You need to try hanging out with decent folks!
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female
reader, deirdre  +, writes (26 April 2013):
I think this boy is not mature enough to be a parent or step parent.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2013): Everyone, thank you for your honesty. My husband is young and immature, this I already know. He is only 18 and I know guys can take a little longer to mature. I swear he is sweet and good guy he just had a dumb idea.Dont worry I have told him that if he does it then I'm gone. I just needed some reassurance before I seriously put my foot down. He also said that he doesn't feel like a father to my daughter because she already has a dad and says she doesn't call him dad. I do love him though and I know I have to keep pushing him to mature. Thank you for your advice
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2013): To have a kid with a woman just because you were a single Mum when you met and wants things to be even, is really crazy.Has he not thought that the other woman would end up for ever part of his life because he will need to provide time and financies for the kid he wants to have outside of your marraige. Does he think it will be a wham bam thankyou mam situation. Job done woman pregnant and then he can then skulk off under the rock he came out from?He needs councelling for his extreme case of retro jealousy. Do you really want to be with him now? I hope he treats your first kid well. If not, get out for her sake if not for yours.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2013): He can't be serious, and if he is, something is wrong with him. You don't have a child to someone else to get even with someone. You had a child prior to your relationship with him. I hope he treats both children with love & your first born isn't suffering because he sound's like he needs to grow up.
So you're married to a man who wants to have sex with another woman but don't worry it's just to get her pregnant, because he can't accept the fact you have a child with someone else.
Leave him!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2013): You have three children in the house - your husband and your two kids.'I dont know what to tell him it seems like every reason I give him its just not good enough. He says I'm making it a big deal.'You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders and because this is a ridiculous notion on so many levels, I'm sure you've given him all the reasons under the sun to convince him it's not ok. I'll assume you've done your best talking to him and he's just not getting it.So I'll give you some practical advice. 1.Go for couple's counselling or get some therapy for him.2. Start using contraception immediately, you do not want to add another baby into the mix when your husband has not yet matured in his decision making ability.3. Get tested for Sexually Transmitted Infections every few months because if he says you're making a big deal out of it, it means he doesn't see what is wrong with the idea and given the opportunity - he will probably try to get someone else pregnant.4. Start saving up a pot of money for yourself that he doesn't know about because if he's not mature enough to know that he's being absurd or if he's not wise enough to know what a marriage is, your relationship is doomed to fail eventually. Let's hope things work out ok but if they don't, you will have the financial means to walk away.5. In the future, take things slowly if you end up in other relationships. Doing the math, you had your first baby at 16 and presumably you focused on the baby for at least a year before seriously courting. And then you got married to your husband at 18 or 19. Which means you only knew him for about a year and a half before tying the knot and having another baby. I am not judging, but I am advising that in future take it slow, get to know someone before making them a permanent part of your children's lives. You're not making decisions that affect you only. They affect your children too.I don't want to be a prophet of doom. But I *seriously doubt that this issue is isolated from the rest of his character.*Someone who is responsible in all other ways would not think about introducing another child into the world for the wrong reasons. Someone who is committed to being a father figure to your daughter would not be ashamed / resentful of her existence.Someone who is committed to your vows for fidelity and loyalty would not consider an extramarital affair.Someone who cares about your feelings would not sleep with another woman knowing it would hurt you.Someone who respects your opinion would not dismiss your reasoning as you 'making a big deal of nothing'Someone who understands the complexity of life would not feel the need to make up for something in your past by having an extramarital affair.Do you see where this is going? I guess there's no need to jump ship until he's really proved himself incapable of manning up. All I'm saying is these are red flags. Try to help him grow up but be prepared to cut your losses if it comes to that.
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male
reader, TeardropsOnMyGuitar  +, writes (24 April 2013):
Is there any possibility that your husband is just playing an elaborate joke on his gullible wife? Maybe you are pulling my leg?
This is an outrageous story. My response to him if I were you... "Well you'd better get ready to pay child support!"
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (24 April 2013):
 You are NOT over-reacting. If anything you are under-reacting to his idiocy.
If he truly believes this line of horse hockey he is feeding you he needs to seek counseling for what used to be called "stinkin thinkin" He is way off the mark on this.
First of all there is no such thing as fair. Life is not fair.
I would offer him his freedom to go find a woman who now has one child of her own to match his one child (his thinking) and let him go as his belief will destroy your marriage and home and may harm your oldest child's psyche.
secondly, I would point out that sometimes being a parent is not about biology but rather being there every day and being a parent daily to a child. Adopted children are no less your child because you did not sire them. Same for stepchildren especially young ones.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (24 April 2013):
 I HAVE to second this sentiment:
This is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard!!!
My husband had 3 kids before we got married (and we have 3 together) which means HE has 6 and I have 3, should I go out and get knocked up 3 more times so we are even? WTF kind of idiocy is that?
And I agree with Cindy too, you married an idiot.
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female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (24 April 2013):
Dear OP,
.. I am lost for words here, I don't even know where to start explaining why this is wrong in so many ways. No dear, you are NOT over reacting, you are under reacting.
Having kids is not about "fairness" and evening out the number of offspring from other people's past relationships.. may I ask, how old is your husband? Is it possible that he is very young and married you when he is actually still too immature to bear such a big commitment?
He probably doesn't realise what it means to raise another child with someone else, paying custody, having in fact two families and three children (his step daughter is his child now as well). How can he divide his time, money and love like that? Apart from the obvious fact that he is asking you for permission to cheat on him and have a permanent "affair" with someone else, which is disgusting.
Look, maybe the whole family thing is just making him temporarily crazy as he was not prepared for the responsibility that comes with being a married man. Usually guys are overwhelmed with all this way more than the women, cause women are somehow more realistic about what it means to have children and be in a committed relationship.
Try to bring him to his senses, please. Since you have a very young baby, I don't want to push you to leave him. I don't know if this can be fixed, but by all means try to prevent this pregnancy/cheating with the other woman.
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female
reader, Honeygirl  +, writes (24 April 2013):
 I had to re-read this question a couple of times - really, does your husband honestly think that you should put up with the fact that he wants to make another woman pregnant?
I think there is a lot more to his request than he is telling you, and I wouldnt be surprised if he is having an affair and this other woman wants to have a child by him.
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female
reader, Got Issues  +, writes (24 April 2013):
 Wow. I've never heard anything like it. Disgusting. How can you even ask whether you are overreacting? You are underreacting.
Sit him down, say to him that you are going to say this just once and then you never want to hear about it again. NO! No no no no no no no no no. And no. If he brings it up again or actually goes through with it, divorce him. He sounds like a pathetic, insecure, controlling moron so probably deserves to be divorced anyway but maybe that kind of stupidity is a disease and he can't help it so give him one chance.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2013): Why didn't he marry the other girl then?
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (24 April 2013):
 Overreacting ? Are you nuts ?
It is a very big deal. First, to make this baby he should have sex with another woman , which he has promised not to do since the moment he married you. Are you OK with him having sex with another woman ( for WHATEVER purpose )?
Second, as you point out, he knew very well that he was marrying a single mum, and that if he was going to have a baby with you, it was going to be his first and your second. The moment to worry about that was before marrying you, not after.
Conclusion, either ( sorry, but... ) you married a big idiot , or this is an excuse for cheating on you with your permission. I guess yoou'd find out that the first attempt did not " take " so it has to be repeated over and over again... some time it takes many many months to conceive...
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male
reader, CMMP +, writes (24 April 2013):
This is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. The fact that he wants to do this AND the fact that you're asking if you're overreacting!
This makes absolutely no sense. If he wants another kid, why not with you? Are you unable?
If you are still fertile then you should tell him that if he follows through you're done with him.
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