A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So, I've been dating my boyfriend for about a year and a half now and this is my first real relationship, but I'm concerned because he doesn't seem to want to be intimate. Generally, I kiss him more than he kisses me, but when I've brought it up, he's said that it's because his parents at home have never really shown affection in that way, so he wasn't raised around it. But that doesn't seem like a great excuse to me, does it? And besides the little kisses, we haven't made out or anything past that. I'm not very good with talking about how I feel and am worried if I say something that it'll ruin what we have going (besides the physical part of the relationship, things are great). So, how do I bring this up without seeming needy or pushing him. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, malvern  +, writes (24 April 2013):
 I think he's got some kind of a secret. Have you ever seen him naked? It's possible he may be one of those men whose genitals have never developed properly. Or, he may have had some kind of bad experience when he was younger. 18 months is a long time to be with somebody and I think you are going to have to tell him that you are getting a little concerned and upset that he doesn't want a physical relationship with you after all this time.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (24 April 2013):
 Actually if he was raised to not see his parents being affectionate, well then that’s how he interprets a relationship. Affection may not be important to him in defining a relationship. That does not make him wrong or you wrong or right, it make you not compatible.
I have to be honest here, for me I could not consider a man my boyfriend if we were not intimate both emotionally and physically. If he makes no moves to touch you, hold your hand, cuddle, or be physical I would be concerned. I don’t think it’s needy to want affection and sex in a long term serious relationship.
You will have to talk to him. Maybe he does not believe in pre-marital relations and that’s why he’s not affectionate. Sadly, it could be that he’s just not that into you (and may or may not realize it if you are his first GF) Maybe he’s a closeted (even to himself) homosexual who thinks that by dating women he can overcome his natural feelings (he can’t). But until you talk to him about it and find out why he does not wish to be intimate physically with you, there is no way we can say what’s going on.
Sit him down and ask him, “we’ve been bf/gf for 18 months now, we are both over 18 and I was wondering where we stand with the physical aspects of our relationship as I would like us to step it up a notch.” Be prepared for him to say he does not wish to have more physical contact. If he says he does not want to be intimate with you, then you have a choice to make and it's going to be difficult.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2013): Sweetheart, he could be asexual or he could be gay or he's just not that into you.Everything else is not good enough if the intimacy is not there. 'Generally, I kiss him more than he kisses me''how do I bring this up without seeming needy or pushing him.'This will really start to take it's toll on your self confidence if it hasn't already. You will feel like a selfish sex maniac for wanting the occasional peck on the cheek. You will feel like a pest for wanting to talk about it when you talked about it millions of times already without any change on his part.'I'm not very good with talking about how I feel and am worried if I say something that it'll ruin what we have going'There are two people in this relationship and one of them is getting exactly what they want at the expense of the other. I know it's your first relationship so you are still feeling your way in the dark, but seriously you need to listen to yourself about your needs and voice them. Nothing will change if you don't speak up and take action.Unfortunately In this case, I suspect however much you speak up, nothing's going to change because you have incompatible sexual needs.There are millions of people who had relationships similar to yours and went on to get married with disastrous results. Google 'sexless marriage' and see how many people made the mistake of carrying on when they were in your position.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2013): I think you should try to understand the situation from his perspective. Yes, although it is strange for him to not want to be sexual in your relationship, it may be because he doesnt know how to. Becuase he hasnt been around it maybe hes uncomfortable. In my opinion you should just talk to him and tell him that you want to take your relationship a step farther. I don't think it will push him away because clearly you two have been together for so long. I think its just a matter of comfort and understanding.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2013): Excuse me here. Almost a year and a half and he hasn't tried to seduce you? Hasn't tried to romance you ? What the hell is this? Sorry, I am not mad at you. Please explain to me why you have tolerated this so long? You are a grown woman with the whole package. Please don't become a saint or martyr for this poor excuse of a man. Let me tell you a story about myself and my girlfriend. We met and fell in love and have been dating for almost three years. We held back on the sex until almost three months into the relationship but we were still close. I am human and I admit I would grab her and cop a feel when in private and we would snuggle and kiss and hold each other and she would do the same to me. This is closer to the normal behaviour I truly believe. It is not your fault that your boyfriend had parents that didn't so emotion to each other. Please don't you deny yourself. Yes you are human and wanting to hold and caress your boyfriend is a normal and human thing. This is definitely not being needy by any means. And I believe must normal men would want to do what I did to my girlfriend but also come up to the pump when it is time for a man to show his love to his women in a physical way. Hey, I was built to do that. You were built to accept that from your man. It is simple biology 101. Tell this social misfit to come up to the pump or leave. Life is short enough but to not be intimate for eighteen months is unacceptable, totally unacceptable. And don't you take the blame or have misgivings. It is not your fault in any way don't forget it. Move on and hold your head high you deserve a better man.Good-luck.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2013): This seems strange. Has he not even tried to touch you up? If not maybe and this is just speculation, he could be gay. At your age group your hormones should be raging, as in wanting to get down and dirty all the time. If he is even restraining on the kissing does he fancy you? Or does he just like the idea of just having you as a girlfriend with no real commitment. Does he show you he loves and cares for you other wise?
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