A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Please help!I have been married to my husband for 13 years. We have three beautiful children and are financially stable. My husband is the provider and I am a stay- at- home mom. Other than our sexual problem, we have a wonderful relationship. About two years ago, my libido plummeted and our love making took a big hit. I finally went to the doctor, and we discovered that my hormones were all over the place. I was put on medication, but the doctor said it could take three months to regulate.In the mean time, my husband has not been sympathetic. I understand the frustration of wanting sex and having a partner that does not. But here's my problem, I do not DENY him sex. I told him that if he wants sex, I will do it. If he wants me to be the "performer," though, I told him he will need to put some effort into turning me on, otherwise, I'm just acting out a role, and faking it - which makes me despise him, by the way. This isn't good enough for him.He thinks that he shouldn't have to turn me on, and I should just jump on top of him and go to town on demand. If we're in the middle of watching a movie, he'll turn to me and say, "Come "F" me." I immediately cringe. How would that turn anyone on, let alone someone who is struggling with a low libido? I usually tell him that if he wants it, he's more than welcome to it, but he'll have to "F" me, instead - unless he wants to turn me on first. He usually lets out a frustrated sigh and says, "Forget it."He makes snide comments throughout the day and furthers my guilt. Listen, I WISH I didn't suffer with this problem and I wish I DID want sex - it would make life so much easier. Some of you might be thinking, "There's got to be an underlying marital problem, that's presenting itself as an intimacy problem." I'm not negating that to be true, but it isn't obvious to me. The only thing that comes close is this: I'm fairly attractive and thin. Throughout our courtship and marriage, my husband would often JOKINGLY say, "If you lose your looks or get fat, I won't stop loving you, but I won't be attracted to you, anymore." This makes me feel VERY pressured to maintain a certain look. I'm not sure how much it affects my current problem since he's been saying this for years. But I need help. My husband wants sex and I don't. I don't deny him sex, but he wants to be pounced on by a tiger, and that is definitely not in me. If he wants the tiger, he has to work for it, but he wants me to force myself to want it. HELP.
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female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (19 May 2013):
 Hubby sure doesn’t sound sensitive to your low libido; it’s all about him as he keeps you tense to maintain a certain look, to the way you’re supposed to just jump on command. I’m sure that’d make anyone feel hurt and resentful. It pains me that he is not even remotely interested in putting in any effort! That’s pure selfishness under your circumstances! :( It is also insightful as once your hormones come back on line with medication I would think that this incident will remain as a reminder to how he takes you for granted or how he treats you in Sickness and in Health!?If anything, it could be explained to him AGAIN; that this condition wasn’t asked for by you, but by him acting this way affects the outcome and recovery rate for all concerned. Take Care – CAA
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2013): I can relate to you and your feelings about sex. Like in any relationship it also takes work so that both partners feel satisfied. I have a fantastic relationship with my boyfriend of three years but in the beginning we had a few bumps in the bedroom department. I wanted to have it in the evening after supper when everything in the day was done and out of the day. He wanted a slam bang in the morning before going to work. So you could see where we were heading with this. I didn't want to get jumped in the morning and my boyfriend was raring to go at 5:00 am. He was all pooped out at night and really didn't want to come up to the pump. I got frustrated and turned him off and didn't even want to cuddle anymore. We were really committed to each other by this time so went to a well known sex therapist. My boyfriend wasn't pig headed like your husband but knew he had to correct his behaviour or stand losing me and he told me to my face he would do what it took to correct our situation but I also made some concessions if you want to call it that and in the end we worked through everything with the sex therapist helping us. I am sorry to hear that you have such dislike for sex. You both need to go to therapy with a professional and get the help you need to help your marriage. Your feelings are way beyond the point where you believe you can work through these sensitive issues yourself. Good-luck..
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A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (18 May 2013):
Dear OP,
I don't know if I can help you, but let me express my understanding.
I've heard many similar stories from long-time couples and it wasn't always the woman who had the low sex drive.
I guess it's natural that after 13 years of marriage and living together, there's not as much tension as there used to be, so maybe your decline of libido is a result of a natural process.
And unfortunately, if we take someone for granted, as your husband might take you, we care less about their needs and satisfaction. We think they'll be here forever and we'll eventually get them to do what we want, if we keep on nagging long enough.
Basically, you both reached a "dead end": He says you should want sex more, you say he should try harder to turn you on. Sex has become a battle and a source of argument and the more you try to go back to a normal sex life, the more you discuss and argue and the less appealing it gets. I know that stupid downward-spiral myself. Someone is pushing and the other one withdrawing.
I think the low libido is not the problem itself, but how you both deal with it. It's causing anger and frustration and seems to affect the whole relationship until you lose sight of what you actually like in each other.
My last relationship didn't recover from that problem, so I suggest you go to marriage counselling. I'm sure this kind of problem is the daily business of couple therapy.
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, happy140 +, writes (18 May 2013):
 I am in the same boat. My wife isn’t into sex either. She never turns me down though either.
Your husband wants some spontaneous sex, you cringe and say you can F… me but warm me up first. He has probably, over the years associated this with he warms you up trying to have foreplay and then you denies him because your not in the mood, I said in the past. So now its like why bother, she’s going to lay there and let me have my way with her or just say I’m not ready yet and then when ready it boils down to submissive rape. You don’t want to have sex but you will let him do it. How could any guy (I’m sure some do) like that. There woman laying there, thinking about what to make for dinner or the laundry while your husband TRY’S to make love. That’s the farest thing from making love there could possibly be. It just a warm place to masturbate in.
You may not have the desire to have sex, that’s OK, then don’t. There are alternatives. Maybe once a week or every two weeks tell yourself that after all he does for me and I love him so much and I want him to want me and not another woman that I will heat myself up today. I doesn’t have to be masturbation it could just be that feeling you get when your so thankful and mindful of all he is in your life to want to pleasure him for 10 or fifteen minutes. Out of a week or two weeks time fame that’s not a lot of time. You may not be really into the sex aspect but more into pleasuring your husband for all he means to you that just for that brief time.
Sometimes men just want to have quick sex to get rid of all the tension and troubles building up. We don’t want a long drawn out sexual encounter. Men, myself included get agitated when going for long periods without sex. Biological? I don’t know but the longer the wait the more agitated. I am not saying it’s Oh poor husband, I’m trying to tell you how we react. The last thing we want is to “warm me up first” for fear of it never being long enough or good enough, how would, do we know if you don’t make some type of move to say I’m ready. By the way, that would be the worst wording you could use.
I often tell my wife, who admits to me, that “men need sex” to do it when you you feel close to me and want to pleasure me. She may not be into sex, climbing on top and going at it like wild animals but she will let me know she wants to pleasure me. She feels that she is so loved and cared for and looked after and made to feel wanted that she wants to have sex. It is not impassionate submissive rape. She wants to pleasure me and sex just happens to be the best avenue for doing so. So it took 5 minutes out of her day this week, I’m happy she’s happy and she never worries about me going else were or me having resentment because she doesn’t want her husband, as a man, making love to her.
I never feel less like a man then when my wife goes for periods of not wanting sex. I take it personally. I need to feel that my wife wants me in every way possible and never has any doubt about marring me. Not having sex is like saying just pay the dam bills, that’s all I need you for.
You have a very valid reason for your lack of sex drive, I get that. With the sex drive you have now if your husband came home and said “I’ve decided that we don’t ever have to have sex again. I don’t want to bother you”. After the thrill of that statement leaves you would be heart broken. Why doesn’t he want me, am I fat, unsexy, what?, is he cheating, what’s wrong with me? That’s how he feels.
I’m not saying force yourself to want sex, I’m saying stop looking at it as some sickening thing he wants to do to you. If you think for a moment he doesn’t know you cringe, your fooling yourself.
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