A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:So my husband and i had a huge argument about having children. He's 23 and I'm 27. We had spoken about it before we got married and i had stated quite clearly that (at 26) I didn't want to wait more than four years as i think having children late into your 30's is un healthy. He said this was fine but then told me last night he feels pressured and that he doesn't want to have a set date he can have children. He doesn't seem to understand that i feel pressured too. His brother has 4 perfectly healthy children and another on the way and he is a year older than me. His mum is always like "oh you have to have at least 3". His family make me feel like theres something wrong because i haven't had a child yet. The other thing is i would really like to start a family but i know the conversation is off limits. He really wants to study in another country which will take 4 years and then he wants to have another 2 or 3 years to sort his career out by which time i will be 33/34 i feel quite depressed about the whole situation and i don't know what to do.
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male
reader, doublejack  +, writes (30 July 2012):
I've been on holiday and just saw the most recent followup and reply. I have to say I disagree with calling the OP's husband selfish. If he is not ready to be a father, then he is not ready. As a fellow man, I find his desire to establish himself in a career and hence as a provider before starting a family to be admirable. The husband knows that if a child comes along in the near future, it will be not only a financial burden but also yet another obstacle in achieving his life goals. I personally don't see anything wrong with wanting to provide adequately for a small child before agreeing to have one.I do see how the change in plans can be viewed as selfish, but I honestly don't feel that is his intent. He's probably feeling a lot of pressure to establish himself as soon as he can. Only he knows what he's thinking, however. I'm just trying to put myself in his shoes.
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female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (22 July 2012):
 Not a losing battle...just lack of communication and understanding and a very very selfish man who absolutely will not address your worries and concerns.
I think he is making you choose.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionImheretohelpyou... He doesn't want to have chidden in the next 6 years how do you think I'm gong to talk him into trying in the next year?!?! lol seriously I've got more chance of getting him to give up the guitar! (not that i would want him too). Im not going to force the issue i like my man and my marriage as it is. But i think I'm just going to have to come to terms with the fact I'm going to have to wait. i went and had my iud refitted last week and i told him all about it and said what the doctors say about decreased fertility after a certain age he just seems to think I'm worrying too much and that i will be fine because other people are he seems to miss the point that i don't want to have a horrid pregnancy or an ill child because of my age. A losing battle me thinks..
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female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (18 July 2012):
 Well children DO take away your freedom, there is no doubt about that! They require 24/7 attention, even if you were a full time mom he would still be affected massively by having children.
There would be 9 months of taking care of you, because when you are pregnant you are not able to do quite as much as normal. Then there are the baby & toddler years, years of no sleep, no social life...not a lot other than taking care of the little bundle of joy who at that age is incredibly noisy, demanding and a hazard risk to themselves! Even after the toddler years once it gets to school, you still cannot live life like you would have done pre-children. You cannot go away at weekends at the drop of a hat, you cant go out with friends without a babysitter, you cant even go down to the shops without taking the child with you.
So his life would be changed enormously, and all freedom is gone out of the window. While you might want that right now and be ready to give up your freedom and dedicate yourself to a child, he clearly is not ready for that. You cant force him to be ready - so if staying with him is more important to you and you dont want to even consider leaving, then you pretty much are just going to have to get over it and wait.
You cant force him to be a dad before he is ready - it is probably the single biggest life event to happen to someone and if it is forced on you before you wanted it to happen you will resent the person who forced it upon you forever. If you want this marriage to last and be a happy marriage - DO NOT even consider pushing him into this.
You are just going to have to let it go, stop talking about it and wait until he is done with college. End of story. The more you pressure him the worse this is going to get, so you really are going to have to drop the subject and accept that you are going to have to wait.
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male
reader, doublejack +, writes (17 July 2012):
"I think the problem comes from the fact his brother has so many children and had them a such a young age he just sees kids as something that ruins your life and takes your freedom."I was honestly thinking this could be a factor, too. I have seen it happen. I had a child at a young age and my sister basically became a stepmom at 18, and I believe that's why my brother never wants to have any kids of his own. If your boyfriend has grown used to the child-free adult life and that's what he wants, then he may never come around. At the very least that is probably a factor in his decision to wait.Waiting to start a family is a very serious choice, considering you do not have a huge window remaining. Your husband has changed his view once, who is to say the next step is to go from "six years" to never?I have witnessed relationships end over this specific issue, because there truly is no compromise and the pressures can be very intense. I hope you can work out a resolution that makes your life a happy one!
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo So_Very_Confused Ive spoken to a doctor and they don't seem to think i will have too many health risks atm moment because i manage my heart condition well and I'm still young. As for the getting pregnant thing i know we can get pregnant because after slipping up once i ended up having to get an abortion.
As i said before its his children i want so the thought of weather or not i could conceive with another man has never even crossed my mind. He is the once who wants to wait. His parents would love me to pop sprigs out now. I do care what his mum thinks as i respect her very much but i know he wants 2 children.
its just he expects me to wait all this time. Ive tried talking to him about the health risks for me which will get worse ask get older and for a baby but he just seems to think that because his mother had a child at 35 then its fine for me to do so.
He says that he feels pressured from all sides. I don't think its an age thing everything else in our relationship is pretty solid and i never think about the age gap. I think the problem comes from the fact his brother has so many children and had them a such a young age he just sees kids as something that ruins your life and takes your freedom.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (16 July 2012):
 Again the only issue i see here that I'm most concerned about is that you are so worried about what HIS FAMILY thinks... what does HE want...
The issue is what YOU and your HUSBAND want not what anyone else wants.
I can tell you that I had my kids very very young and I was until my early 40s very able to handle small kids...it's only after I hit about 45 that the idea of chasing small kids all day killed me...
perhaps you can compromise and put it off ONE more year vs several more years?
if not, again you have a huge choice to make.
also the bee in the bonnet: with a heart condition and small lungs have you cleared pregnancy with your doctor?
and are you 100% sure you will be able to conceive? I ask because my ex husband's wife had no medical issues and wanted kids so badly and tried including 5 rounds of invitro and never was able to sustain a pregnancy...
I have several other friends who never practiced Birth control and wanted kids and never got pregnant... it does happen...
I'm just saying... that you want kids at a very specific age... if you opt to leave your husband for this and then don't conceive with another man in your timetable... what regrets would you have???
just trying to cover all the bases here...
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionto Iamheretohelpyou. For you parents that may be fine but for me i have never been comfortable with the idea of having children that late. Also i am not in the best of health. Due to being a perm baby myself i have heart condition and small lungs for my size. my side of the family don't tend to live so long either despite the fact i eat very healthily i don't smoke and i don't drink caffein or alcohol. i want to give my chidden the best start in life and i worry that if i am older and in poor health i will not be able to do the normal things that parents do with there children like run around or carry them everywhere. For some people age is not an issue for me the idea of having a child in your late 30's is disgusting.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk where do i start! He had planned to study before we got married in the states. I knew this but he should have been going this year. As it stands now it would be next year. I didn't want to have children in the states due to the fact the cost of giving birth thare is huge. he does want children but he wants to study too. I agreed he should study and that i could wait 4 years from this so i would be 30 when we started trying. Its the fact that he has now had to wait another year and then expects me to wait another few years after he graduates that was never factored into the conversation! He wants 2 kids i want 2 his mum thinks we should have three. He's one of 4 she's one of 4 and his brother has 5 BIG FAMILY! Im not just interested in having children i could have done that anytime with anyone i don't think the answer is to leave my husband as its HIs children i want! i just don't want to be too old to have healthy children and then have him and his family resent me because his brother has 5 perfectly healthy children and i have a kid with downs or something else. Its so complicated and I've tried to explain but he just thinks I'm pressuring him.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2012): You have all the rights in a world to be ready to be a mother. In 80s mother who is nearing 30 was consider a special attention case in a delivery room, especially if it was her first child.It's actually was considered very late to have your first child at 30. Now with women having kids in their late 30s and 40s more often, people don't realize how many infertile problems these women go throug, down syndromes and other unfortunate disorders inn babies born to older mothers.Even if someone wants to be an egg donor, they don't take women over 28 as their eggs already consider not be that fertile.I understand your concern very much. And your husband should be more thoughtful about this issue and bout what you want and need.There is no excuse that he is 4 years younger than you, then if he is such a baby and wants to go study abroad and have his life, he should've marry and stay single do what he wants.But now he is a married man, and this not just his desicion.
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reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (13 July 2012):
If you married with the plans to have children within a few years and he’s changed his mind, well that happens. It’s NOT fair but it does happen.
I don’t buy the whole he’s too young thing. I became a mom at 24 and my ex was 26 at the time… my parents were 24 and 26 when I was born… I don’t’ think age is a factor in the determination of wanting kids.
His family has no say in this to be honest… this is between you and your husband.
Is there a reason you can’t have kids and study in another country at the same time?
IF you wait till have kids till you can properly afford them (meaning you have income and stability already) then we’d have a lot fewer kids in this world. NO one ever feels READY for kids…
what you tell him is this:
we had an agreement and you are changing the rules.
IF you really want to do that you have to accept the consequences of your choice and that means you will be alone if I decide to leave to find a man to have children with...
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male
reader, doublejack +, writes (13 July 2012):
I agree with the advice given by kc 100%. This is, unfortunately, the primary reason older woman / younger man relationships ultimately do not work out, and why the opposite type of relationship (younger woman / older man) often DO work out. Men and women are on a different time frame when it comes to having children. Men are focused on their education, career and having some fun until they are approaching 30 or even a little beyond that. So they often aren't ready to start a family until later, after they are established and have matured into responsible, productive adults. Women, however, frequently desire children earlier on in their life. Part of this is due to biological reasons, as their fertility peaks in their early 20's and drops considerably after 35 (plus the risk of birth defects / complications increases). The other part of it is societal pressures. Women begin to see their friends settling down and having children, so they desire to do the same.While it is unfair that your husband changed his mind, the fact remains that he feels like he feels. He has some pretty solid reasons to wait, too, as providing financially is a key factor in being ready to take care of a child. So you have essentially two choices. One is that you can accept what he is saying and wait to have children. The other is that if it is really that important to you, then you may have no choice but to end the relationship.There is no middle ground when it comes to a child. A couple either has one, or they don't. While it is unfair that he has changed the time frame on you, it would be even more unfair to him for you to deliberately get pregnant and bring a child into the world that he's not prepared to provide for and doesn't yet want.It is a very difficult and sensitive issue, so I would take some time to think about how you feel before you choose a course of action.Best of luck!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2012): what a really unhappy situation to find yourself in! to be honest iv read what others have written and noticed that somebody has mentioned the age gap which in my opinion is no big deal. it all boils down to the fact that he said he was ok with having kids soon before you married and now he has changed his mind which to me seems very unfair. you need to sit down and discuss this matter or its going to ruin your marriage before its even begun. Perhaps a compromise can be made, maybe he will agree to half the length of time and meet in the middle? but the trouble is if you wait 3 years then he may still not be ready and you will resent him. The only way to get around this is talking and if he cant deal with that then he is very imature. im 23 myself and cant wait to be a mum. So i dont think age is an issue.
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female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (13 July 2012):
It is unfair for him to change his mind - after all you made it very clear before you got married that you wanted children soon due to your age. Therefore if he knew this all along he should not have married you if he knew he wasnt going to follow through on this promise.
However I'm afraid part of the blame has to lie with you, after all you married a guy who is barely out of his teenage years. Of course he isnt going to want kids between the ages of 22-26, I think you would only find about 0.01% of the male British population would want kids at that age! So it should have been a bit of common sense from you on this one, you chose to marry a younger man who still has a lot of his own dreams to fulfil before he settles down and becomes a dad.
He shouldnt have to give up on studying abroad and having a career just because your biological clock is ticking, however you shouldnt have to wait for 7 years just for him either.
The problem here is that your age difference has come back to bite you in the ass and there is no compromise I'm afraid - you cant take his dreams away from him and force him to be a dad when he's not ready, and he cant force you to wait for years to be a mum either.
So what do you do now? It is pretty clear - either you end your marriage and find a man who is your own age or older who is ready to settle down and have kids. Or you stick with your husband and take the risk that you might have health complications when having kids in your 30's.
Many women have children in their 30's so it is not unusual, however you are right in being worried about the health risks. I feel the same as you, ideally I dont want to be much over 30 before I have children. However life sometimes doesnt work out according to these time scales us girls have in our heads, and sometimes you do have to risk it a bit. I am now 25 and never want children before I get married, but me and my boyfriend wont be able to get married for a couple of years at least. So that means by the time we've saved for a wedding and bought a house I am going to be at best 30 or in my early 30's. So I have accepted my fate that I'm just going to have to take the risk of having children in my early 30's, and hope that with the advances in medicine and science I will be ok. It is not ideal, but being happy with my partner is more important than my time scale for kids so I have gotten over it I guess.
So you have to choose - does staying with your husband outweigh the risk of having kids in your 30's? Or is having children in the next couple of years more important? Keep in mind that meeting a new man, living together, getting married etc all will take time so you might not actually get anywhere faster by leaving your husband.
Have a good think about what you want - I know hindsight is a wonderful thing but you really should have seen this coming when marrying such a young man!
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female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (13 July 2012):
This is one of those lose lose situations where one person changes the rules and the other either accepts that to their own detriment or if you baulk against it you are accused of being pressurizing!!!
If he changed the plans once, what to say he won't change them again when something else doesn't suit him...It's a big issue and not one that's easily reconciled. His mother also needs to know that it is him thats being obstructive and not you.
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female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (13 July 2012):
 So you discussed children and the time table before you go married, at that time he said it was fine, now he has changed his mind?
Changing the goal posts like that is unfair, was he aware he wanted to study overseas when the children conversations took place?
Only you can decide if you want to wait another 7 years or so before you even TRY to have a baby .... or if you prefer to give this non starter a miss and start looking elsewhere for a daddy!
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