A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been married for 1 year and have been with my husband for two (2) years. We have a 13 month old daughter together and he has a three (3) year old boy from a previous relationship, whom we have part-time custody of. My husbands parents were not thrilled to hear he wanted to marry me and they were upset to hear I later became pregnant. They made a few comments about abortion during my pregnancy with my baby girl. When she was in-utero a problem was found on her head and it was suggested to abort, but UCLA medical center said she would be fine and she was.My daughter was born healthy and strong. Now I just found out that I am pregnant again. I didn't want birth control, but was trying to monitor my ovulation and I was not trying to get pregnant. I missed my period by almost a week now and had my period last November 27th (ending). My husband and I argued that if I am pregnant again this early, his parents will ostorcise us. I am currently walking on eggshells. I am a stay at home mom and do not want another child at this time, but I am married, love my husband and don't want an abortion. I don't think I can emotionally deal with it. I can't kill an innocent baby. We haven't spoke of it since a few days ago. He said that people plan children all the time and are able to have a choice. I think that is his father or mother talking. I made the mistake of marrying somebody that I didn't discuss this with ahead of time.I don't have my own income and I am worried that if I leave him, I will not be able to support my babies. He urges that we will not have enough money to live comfortable...I am fine with that. I am 31 and he is 27. We both wanted to open a business this new year. We don't have great credit, but are in the process of fixing it. Now, I am not sure what to do. His family is Japanese and his father has mentioned to me he doesn't understand why abortion is looked down upon here in the states. It has been hard to relate with them. His mother has had multiple abortions and doesn't have a problem with it. They don't want anything to do with my daughter, though they say they do to my husband...They never come to visit and we live a few blocks away. I feel now that because he has another child it, is determining my future for having babies.I tested positive with an over the counter pregnancy tester. I could only be about 2 weeks pregnant. I believe the egg is now a baby. I am scared, what advise is out there.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2011): I am the one that posted the question. I really want to keep this baby. I feel I already love him/her. My husband suspected that I am pregnant and mentioned that we needed to talk about it. I didn't want to argue and I told him that. So, his only option for us is abortion. He said I am being selfish by wanting to keep the baby. I feel that this is why I got married, to raise a family. Yes, we should have taken birth control, but I don't see having a two (2) kids two (2) years apart is bad. He did mention this affecting his son's life (his son's mom will have a baby any day now). In a way, I am beginning to regret marrying somebody with a child from a previous relationship. That's sad. I will try to see a counselor this week. I told my husband that we will have six (6) months to create a business. I know I am able to do it. It would bring extra income and he will not be working for somebody else. I use to run a couple businesses before him, it can be done. He doesn't have experience in business. I feel as if he is limiting himself. We don't have but $5000.-$7000. start-up and poor credit as of yet. I feel as if we shouldn't ask his parents to be a co-signer, because of their reaction to my pregnancy, but we may. My parents are supportive and LOVE grandchildren, however, they are unable to assist in any way financially or in credit form. I am currently looking into ways to work from home as well. I have many ideas and think that we could make it. I gave my husband a divorce option today when he kept telling me that I am not considering him and I should abort. I envision little fingers and little toes, I already love my new baby. I will find a way. Yes, he is quite young, I should consider that and let him enjoy his life. Thank you for all your comments and support.
A
male
reader, CrazyCowboy +, writes (5 January 2011):
 When i was in was in high school i got a girl pregnant, she was a virgin, on birth control, and we only made love once. she got pregnant and had an abortion because she said if she was pregnant she couldnt play basketball and so she wouldnt get a college scholarship. Her parents owned 3 lumberyards so she didnt even need one. i went to lawyer sand judges trying to stop her but couldnt. Adoption is the ONLY option!!! I never judge people but I just cant understand how someone can kill a child when they did nothing to prevent the pregnancy. message me if you need someone to talk to.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2011): This sounds more like a marital problem than a child problem. There don't seem to be the boundaries necessary between your in-laws and your family, and for whatever reason your husband isn't standing up to them. My husband suggestsv you try to move. Seriously.
If you want to contact me on how to make a small budget work, please contact me through my blog: arabianknits.blogspot.com The e-mail link there is live.
We have seven children on one income and have been married 14 years. It can be done.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2011): His parents really have no say what happens in your marriage so do whats best for you and your baby and hopefully your husband will realize he doesnt need mommy and daddy's approval of everything.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2011): No one can tell you what to do, but if you really dont want the baby then put it up for adoption. Give it a chance at life. Don't snuff it out before it has a chance to live. I wonder every day what my baby would have looked like or her personality. I cant look at my other kids without thinking about the fact that they should have another sibling. There are a lot of people out there that would give anything to have a baby but can't... make their dream come true. Good luck and God bless!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2011): Last time I checked, there are various ways to prevent pregnancy all together. With that being said, if you are pregnant, then it's because it is meant to be. Stop worrying about all the what ifs. A child is a blessing, and last time I checked, you are an individual and anyone who disagrees with what you do as as an individual in essence don't really matter. If your husband is upset, then so be it. If he didn't want more children, then he should have taken proper precautions beforehand. If you feel like you can't raise your child and be a parent (money aside, because money shouldn't be the issue-loving the child and being a parent should be the only issue to consider) then, put it up for adoption. And, Quite frankly, it's none of his parents business.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2011): I believe that you should disregard what his parents think. This is your family not theirs. If they are mad at you for keeping a baby then that is just insane!I hope everything goes well!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2011): Hey...im emily.im seventeen and i had an abortion when i was eleven.it was a girl...and every day i wonder what she would have been like.what color would her hair be?eyes?would she have looked like me or her dad?its a decision i horribly regret.please choose life.if you dont wanna have the baby...go with an open adoption.the hell with his parents.its YOUR BABY...not theres!!!!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2011): don't listen to his family while they think they are right you should be aware that you are the one holding this child. if anything you can give it up for adoption, its not fair to not give the baby a chance by aborting it.
I am 22 and have 2 kids 3 and 5 mnts and married. yes it is difficult in these times but don't worry things do work out. i suggest you ignore the in-laws as much as you have to suck up you need to understand that they are not you boss therefore you do not need to jump through hoops for them.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2011): You are obviously a good person for posting what you are going through. I'm sure you'll do what is best for you. Good luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2011): Honey, I understand you're scared but if you feel having an abortion is out of the question, then don't do it. If you truly want to leave him there are ways to get help. That way you and your babies are taken care of.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2011): I stay home with my kids and make money. open a home business, like a daycare, or do nails or make and sell something. everyone needs to work now a days and you can still have that baby and support it. if you think you need to leave over this than leave.. you can find a home and shelter. people do it.
you should have been responsible if you didnt want a pregnancy.
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A
female
reader, Bloody_bystander +, writes (2 January 2011):
 i strongly recommend going through with the pregnancy, but putting it up for adoption...i might have to do the same :/ its gona be hard, but some other family who cant have childeren for whatever the reason, will be able to adopt...yours...it will be worth it i pormise :)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2011): "I didn't want birth control, but was trying to monitor my ovulation and I was not trying to get pregnant. "
If you don't want a pregnancy then you both need to do more than the above. Imo it's really selfish to bring children in to an environment that is not optimal for everyone concerned. You may be ok with not having a good life, but your children will most likely suffer in some way in that situation. That's not to say that it couldn't all work out if you start a business and it takes off. But if your husband really doesn't want another child that is going to put a lot of stress on your marriage and your life in general particularly with his parent's hostility.
Only you and your husband can make the decision about what to do, and ultimately of course it is your decision.
If you don't feel you can handle another child, or leave and make it on your own, I would say maybe adoption is the best solution.
I would talk to your husband about it all and maybe seek counseling on what to do.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2011): A lot pf people have been through your situation wondering if they indeed want the second child or not, but I doubt they were dealing with such an unsupportive husband and family.
There are several issues that you may be tangling and it's making it hard to see straight.
-The first is that his parents are unhappy he is married to you. I would typically say, pay them no mind and tolerate them at holidays, but given that you're neighbors, it's a little hard to do that. I don't think this can go on forever. You've been married two years and if you stayed married they will have to accept it. I am biracial and I witnessed the dynamics with my mother's family who ostracized her for having married my father. My grandfather refused to come to the wedding. They told my mother her children would not be accepted. But after a decade or so, they DID come around and learn to not only accept him, but appreciate my father. Remember that the situation WILL change overtime.
-The second issue is that your husband is probably also walking on eggshells with his parents. They have perhaps threatened to ostracize him and that's why he's channeling them regarding a potential pregnancy.
-The third issue is that you husband may have a valid point about the economics of the situation. Supporting 2 (+1/2) kids is very expensive. Given that you are a stay at home mom, your choice to keep the baby will directly impact your husband's lifestyle and plans to open a business.
-Apart from reacting to his parents and saying you don't want to kill an innocent child, you haven't said much about what you want. You seem like a smart and clear headed individual, so I wonder if you don't have future plans and ambitions beyond raising the kids. If you want to take part in the business with your husband, will having another kid at this moment get in the way?
Like it was said before by others, make sure an abortion if you have it is your choice...but I feel like you are surrounded by so many interested parties, you can't hear your own voice clearly on this issue. Having this child may seem like the obvious choice only because your husband and his family are controlling other aspects of your life. Obviously you don't want to have an abortion imposed on you by the family, but are you rejecting abortion as an option because you think it's the ONLY independant choice you can make in your current sitation. (Not sure if that makes sense.)
If I were you, I'd think deeply and imaginativley about what I want in the next couple years. If that vision includes another baby, keep it.
If that vision includes the business with your husband, consider abortion (and perhaps have it done solo without your family micromanaging it)
Best of luck to you. I do believe things will turn around.
Oh, and as it was mentioned before abortion is NOT birth control. Even if your husbands mom uses it in such a way.... There are so many other options if you don't like condoms. IUD, injections, or the pill.
Good luck
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A
female
reader, Fabulosa +, writes (2 January 2011):
 Can you imagine explaining " I choice abortion because my husbands parents thought it was best?". Can you imagine if you had aborted your daughter? You will feel the same for this baby. It is your choices. But make sure YOU are the one making it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2011): Hello,
Oh this is such a sad posting, and you sound so really emotionally all-in, not surprising with the situation you find your self in, but whatever the advice you receive on DC I would urge you take some 'outside' professional advice, as in seeing your medical practitioner, healthy care professional and perhaps a counsellor for support, to help you through this, as I can see if you continue with your pregnancy it is going to get a lot tougher for you.
I see that you have recognised that before you ever marry or live with someone, you need to discuss fully first how you both feel about so many major issues in life, and children are certainly one the top priorities for really being on the same page with, as I'm afraid as you are clearly experiencing, if not, it is likely to cause huge strain within a marriage, if not eventually cause a split. So although you cannot change any of this now, the relevance of mentioning it, is that YOU'RE showing insight into NOT what to do for the future, and at your very young age, as bleak as it seems now, you do have a future.
A lot of decisions have to be made in life, that are NOT always what we would choose, or sometimes we believe in, but are made for the good of the general situation, now whether that is taking precautions NOT to become pregnant when you know you cannot afford another child, and by that, I mean being on the pill or having an I.U.D, NOT depending on when you ovulate to abortion. Yes, I know, abortion by many is considered wrong, and each individual must make that decision for themselves,but must be aware IF they believe or feel abortion is not an option, then they must take EVERY possible step not to find themselves with this choice.
You and your husband don't appear to have the foundations for much more pressure, as your parents-in-law are of no support to you, and he already has responsibility for a three old from a previous relationship, making him a father for almost as long as he's been an adult, no wonder he is struggling too. He is also younger than you, and guys at 27, emotionally, are not quite as mature as a female of your age, they're just not hard-wired with the same way, which is inevitably why most females are with a guy 5 years their senior.
So the problem you have right now, is that you are pregnant and cannot afford this baby really. As you say yourself " He urges that we will not have enough money to live comfortable...I am fine with that." that is the point of difference here, YOU are fine with NOT having enough money to live comfortably, so that also means your daughter will suffer, your husband will be even more stressed that in turn will have more affect on this marriage, and it already seems very rocky, and the new baby will come in to a family with lots of problems not only emotionally but financially.
That is the REALITY of it! And as harsh as it may seem, you have to deal with reality, because there is no other way in life, no matter how difficult or how we feel we just can't cope, you will by the situation itself be forced to take a decision either way. And it must be one that YOU have thought about and the consequences of what the future may be, not only for you, but for all of you.
Your husband is right in as much as ' People do plan their family and really there is nothing wrong with that, only it's preferable that it is not done through aborting children time and time again, it is better to take the necessary steps so you don't get to the point.
I have no idea what the set is in the states for single mothers financially, although personally I would never recommend it unless vital, but IF you stay with your husband it has to be for the right reasons, not just because you are a stay at home mum, as that is no way to have children either, as most men and women who end up like that, their children do not have the happiest of childhoods, witnessing parents that do not have love or affection for each other, have no common goals or are struggling all the time.
Had a quick look for you on Google, so you might want to take a look at http://www.singlemom.com/ I'm not sure what 'practical' advice may be useful for you, but it's a start to give you some options.
Lastly, you NEED to tell your husband you are pregnant, you can't avoid it, avoid anything in life, it only gets worse, so please, please tell him and talk to him about YOU feel, and hopefully you will both be able to work together on this one and things will improve for you...I really hope so!
Take lots of care of yourself!
Jilly
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (2 January 2011):
 I would not listen to his parents, they are not respecting your choices or views. You are not in their country and therefore you are free to make your own choices without worrying about disrespecting them. Your husband needs to make a choice, it is either you or them, I understand why he would be afraid of them but he has to realize that he is old enough to make his own choices without fearing his parents because his parents cannot affect him much anymore. They have to learn to accept everything that has happened, their behavior is simply shameful.
Your husband is wrong when he says that people always have a choice. That is not how the human race began and that is how some children will continue to be birthed. You two are not the only ones who have been troubled by an unplanned pregnancy, if somehow your husband changes his mind and supports you, because he loves you, you will not be the only ones who would have made it through this and found something brighter and better. Does he love you enough to support you or is he merely with you for some ulterior motive? Try and talk to him about it and tell him how you feel about it all, if he is decent he will try to see things from your perspective and understand, he will try and support you but if he hesitates and refuses to see your side of things, perhaps you may turn to your parents or other family members? Good luck
I hope that helps.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (2 January 2011):
 If you guys didn't want a pregnancy WHY on Earth did you not use birth control? pill & condom?
I don't know what else to say. When you have unprotected sex, the possibility of a pregnancy is there.
Abortion is a very personal thing, only YOU can decide if it is right for you or not.
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A
female
reader, partyprincess2011  +, writes (2 January 2011):
 i dont know want to suggest but dont kill your baby just to avoid upsetting his parents
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female
reader, smileyface. +, writes (2 January 2011):
 have you ever thought about adoption ?
it would be hard but as long as you know the baby is okay, then you should be okay. and for his family, eventuatlly they will learn to like you an understand everything thats going on in your life, but if you want to have a baby then you should go for it, you only live once, rightt? dont let this bring you down, just think positive and hope that one day his parents will understand. dont make choices around what his parents are saying, because then you will be upset with yourself.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2011): Your husband should really be supporting you through this or he should at least have taken that precaution to make sure you didn't get pregnant in the first place!
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