A
female
age
51-59,
*ueb69
writes:This is long...I have been married to my second husband for 3 years. Together a total of 5 years. He has never been married before. I have two teenagers from my previous marriage, they were 7 and 9 when we got together. About 4 months ago, I moved out because my husband had a hard time with me always being so protective of my kids when it came to him discipling them (I felt he was too harsh sometimes). We discussed me moving out and that was all it was going to be, us being married but living in seperate places. Well after I moved out, he told me that he wanted a divorce for financial reasons only. I have no debts nor does he but he said that being financially responsible for anything I decided to do (get a new cars, etc...) was weighing on him. We are still dating as I cant decide how I feel.He says that it is just a piece of paper and it wont change anything between us, (I have to admit, I knew he never wanted to get married, he just did it for me) but I dont know if I can go back since we have come this far. How do I go back to dating someone who once told me they loved me more than anything (he says this hasnt changed) but wants to end our marriage? He says he is so tired of trying to make me and the kids happy and feeling like nothing he does is good enough. I am thankful for everything he does for us and tell him that but that doesnt change how he feels.He is tired of always putting himself last and whats to put himself first and concentrate on what he wants without worrying about how others feel. I have given him several chances to end our relationship but he always gives me reason why it will work.I know that no one can help how they feel. I want him to be happy and if that is not with me than so be it. But I want to be happy too. I am having a really hard time with this and would really appreciate any advise I can get.Sorry for the long post but I really need input from others.Thanks!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2008): When husband and wife are not on the same page for discipline, then nothing but confusion happens, and in my case, they will turn parents on each other. A family breakdown. (double the trouble for teenagers) I know this is hard to take, but for a family to stay together, then the husband/father should be above the children. Believe me, I had to learn to bite my tongue when I know that I know he's wrong. But I saw the wisdom to Later talk to the kids to make sure they don't take things personally, find the truth, or let them know I'll be talking it over with him,...When we let 'mother bear' instincts rule, then we're pushing him away, and he feels like an outcast. A stranger in his own home. The important thing is to know all families have their share of dysfunction, but to have a 'plan' when things get out of control.
A
female
reader, Vera Italy  +, writes (16 December 2008):
By reading the above comments I realize that some of the males just put the hat on and defend the guy. Some of the ladies that had been in a middle terms situation before say how much it is hard and draining to not define a situation. Raising kids is hard, not matter if the parents are biological or not, and requires coherency, persistance and discipline. At the same time love. Example is more important than words. I have lived a siminar situation, but my husband lives with us and we do have HUGE arguments over how and the degree of discipline. I work hard, he is unemployed (works at home). Not easy. You will be able to figure it for yourself, but what I can say is that it will drain you till your dead to be in this middle situation. Give him a check mate and be strong, whatever the result is. Some guys never got married because they simply don't like responsibilities, and being too harsh with the children may be a sign of frustation, not what they say "to educate". My kids are doing fine in school and I priority is by far making sure they are on track. My husband is another relationship, that in the real world, will never be perfectly adapted to the way I dream of raising my kids. Balance cost and benefits to see if it is worth it.
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A
female
reader, Vera Italy +, writes (16 December 2008):
I kind of understand your situation. I'm in a similar boat. I was divorced (bad one) and left with two kids (then - 2 and 3) and met a guy who had never been married, and actually finds it hard to take responsibilities. He said I am the love of his life and only after being put against the wall (by the Visa officer) decided to marry me (or he would lose us). He is wonderful with the kids, although says I am over protective and he is too harsh. Sometimes I feel I wanted a family too much and he completed the scene. He is wonderful with the kids and they love him, although he criticizes me soooo much (a little overweight... should spend less money ...etc). I work and he doesn't. I earn all the money and he doesn't. He wants to command, know his rights and I have to be alert to the fact that he is confortable and knows what he wants. In your case, why would he fear you would want to get a loan? Is he slowly getting out of the relationship? Exactly why does he want you to sign this document? What does it implicate? Does HE want YOU to propose the divorce (that is common in those kid of men)?
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A
female
reader, sueb69 +, writes (24 March 2008):
sueb69 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am really appreciating all of the comments. I know I was vague on when I mentioned the disciplime thing. I know I was wrong in undermining him and that truly was not my intent. I just felt that he was too harsh. My mother instinct kicked into overdrive and wanted to shield them. Just to give you an instance. One day my daughter left her towel from the shower on the floor and my husband asked her to pick it up, five minutes later (she was getting dressed) it was still not picked up and he yelled at her for five minutes about when he says something she is to drop whatever she is doing and do what he says, then he grounded her. So when he came into the bedroom, I told him I thought he was too harsh and the punishment did not fit the crime. The next morning is when he told me that he was not happy and he thought the best thing was for us to part ways (this was our 2 year anniv) , later he said he wasnt ready to give up on us yet, so we stayed together a few more months until something else happened and he suggested I move out. I know I am by far blameless in this, I just dont know how to not "protect" my children when I think they are being treated unfairly. Sometimes you need advice from someone on the outside to see things clearly. I dont want to stay in a relationship with him because it is what I want. He says he wants to work on our relatonship but with me being so wishy washy with this situation (one week it is fine, the next it's not), I know its not fair to him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2008): I want to add something to my previous post (that you should not settle for this). You were wrong to interfere with your husband disiplining the children. He has to be allowed to do this, even if you disagree. BTY even if he was the biological father this would be an issue. You must not undermine his authority.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2008): Your letter could have been written by me a few years ago. I thought I was the only one to have ever been in that situation. My advice: Do not settle for this. Do not divorce and then just go back to dating. Why? Because he is saying, "I don't want you as a wife, but I want to continue the benefits". I am very serious about this, he means he does not want the responsibility and commitment that marriage holds. He does want to have fun with you and have sex with you. Maybe you don't want to let him go, but if you stay with him your self-respect will decline and your resentment will destroy you. Give yourself a gift and let him go. Everything or nothing. Be strong.
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (24 March 2008):
 Simple, he wants the sex, not the responsibility.
The discipline thing, I don't know, you don't give enough details. A lot of moms do spoil their kids to much, but then a lot of men abuse their kids. Hard to give advice without knowing more.
But it seems he has now deciced he just wants out but wants to keep you as a fuckmate.
Wether he still loves you and the relationship can be saved, I doubt it.
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A
male
reader, ShouldKnowBetter  +, writes (24 March 2008):
To be honest I think you have been in the wrong with him. You cannot take a new person into your home, especially a wife/ husband, with your kids and then undermine his authority with them especially when your criticism is that he is being too strict.Yes they are your kids, no he isnt their biological father but you should have considered his parenting style as part of the equation on should you marry him or not.You know what one of the bits of the relationship that is broken but if I were a betting man I would guess he is also saying you dont give him enough attention/ do enough for him (and we arent talking cooking/ cleaning but not necessarily sex either)
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2008): I'm going to side with the husband on this. One of the main reasons that children, especially young boys are so much in trouble is because of the 'lack of discipline' at home. How can you expect the man to be a father figure if you won't let him discipline the children? how can you expect him to take care of ALL of you if he has no say in how to raise the boys? Many of America's boys don't know anything about being respectful, hardwork, discipline or morals. Many don't have any knowledge of how to be men, because the mothers baby their asses. Many young men are soft to the core nowadays, because women tend to be too soft on the boys and won't let them be anything but soft ass pansy type boys. I used to question the tone I gave to my son when he was growing up. I did not live with him, but was in his life every single day. Today, my son is a professional firefighter and a part owner of a contractor company. He has told me constantly that he appreciates the discipline I gave him as a young child, teenager and young man (he's only 21 as of last month) All of his friends and I do mean every single one from his neighborhood either is dead, in jail, an alcoholic or drug addict or....homosexual or a deadbeat...doing nothing with their lives. The only exception to the rule is 3 of his friends whom used to hang around him and whom I gave advice and guidance to. I pulled no punches with them either. It takes a village to raise a child, but it takes a man to give boys insight into life.
If they fall......don't cuddle them talking about "poor baby"....tell tehm to get up and shake it off. Hard work never killed nobody. Also be an example to them. If you condemn drugs and alcohol.....then don't do them yourself. If you don't want them to smoke cigarettes....then don't smoke yourself. If I was your husband....I would want a divorce and would want you to fend for yourself. I would not want anything bad to happen to you or your boys, but I wouldn't want anything else to do with any of you. What you need is someone who is as soft as you...a puppet you can run and control. This man who is trying to divorce you...is not this type of man and I applaud his decision for a divorce.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2008): He doesnt care about you and want to be a free agent. Tell him to go and stay away. You deserve better and if a bloke loves you he wouldnt put you through this. Get rid and move on.
Life is much too short.
take care
xx
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A
female
reader, °Ale°  +, writes (24 March 2008):
 I agree, a person who truly loves you, would do anything and everything to be together. He sounds like he has been ready to move on with his life, not only that, he's been trying to find the perfect excuses to do so.
I suggest you talk to him and put everything on the table, if he's not willing to go along with the show then its time to say goodbye to him. I know its easier said than done, but you will be saving yourself a lot a of heartaches and disappointment.
Best of everything to you!
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (24 March 2008):
 Sueb69, it seems that your husband wants a divorce and nothing else.
Don't pay that much of attention to the words, but to the general direction he is moving in. You're not living together anymore, he doesn't want to be responsible for your expenses, he doesn't want to stay married to you, says he's tired of trying to make you all happy, says he wants to concentrate on what he wants without worrying about what YOU and YOUR CHILDREN want. I think this is very much what a person who is no longer in love wants to do.
Take much care.
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