A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi, this is the first time I've been on a forum and I would appreciate advice on my problem. I'm sorry this is quite long. I have been married for 13 months and was with my husband for two years before we married and gave birth to twins a few months ago. Me and my husband have always been close and shared everything but when the twins were born he started to become really distant towards me and told me that he felt neglected since the babies were born. It was really hard for me when the twins were born as I was home alone looking after them while my husband was working.I could see that my husband wasn't really connecting with his children. It was like he had no interest in them. After he told me how he felt, I felt bad about it and I tried to make him feel more appreciated but my husband just started spending more and more time away from home and would come home in the early hours of the morning. One evening when he decided to come home I told him that I felt he wasn't really helping me with the kids or spending any time with them and he got mad and we ended up having a huge argument and he stormed out.He came home that night at about 2am and woke me up and told me that he was sorry and he would try to make more of an effort with me and the kids. A week past and in that time he was really making a big effort, coming home early every evening and spending time with me and the kids. On the Friday of that week we were due to have dinner at my friend Joe and his wife's house. I've known him since high school and some of our other friends were there. Everything was fine when we arrived except Joe and his wife kept arguing. To cut a long story short it came out that my husband had slept with his wife. My husband told me it was true and that it happened the night we had that fight and that he was so sorry and regrets it and didn't tell me because he didn't want to lose me. I left and went to stay at my sisters, my husband keeps ringing and turning up at my sisters saying he is sorry but I can't believe he would do something like that when I just had his children. How many other woman has he been with? I don't know what to do. Do you think he deserves another chance?
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female
reader, asian tealeaf  +, writes (10 November 2008):
 giving him another chance is not the question. forgiving him is only half the battle! because the fact u will ALWAYS remember, in the back of ur mind every time he says, i love u, u will always be like, " where was the love when u cheated on me"? u cant forget something that caused u so much grief, and it will guaranteed, eat away at u, and the guilt and the constant internal reminder he cheated on u will always haunt him. it seeems hes lacking some basic paternal instincts as well, and that cannpot be learnt. a father should want to spend time with his children, and not after the fact after being told hes not doing his share of fatherly duties, including showing the love that most dads would. its so easy to be a father, but so much hardere to be a dad.
in my opinion, in the minimum, i would ask for a seperation and tell him u want the time to heal, to figure things out. and if he drifts off during that seperation seeing other women, online or whatever other means, then hes not worth ur time. i would be talking to a lawyre about ur legal rights as well. all his promises and his apologies and his rantings on how much he loves u are meaningless, because, at the moment when he stuck his penis into the other woman, at the moment when he had his orgasm, u were non existent. it says a lot anyways about his strenghts seeing as he was very quick to have an affair with this other guys wofe without thinking twice. and yes, if he did that very swiftly, chances are, hes cheaated a few other times before. a little analyzing on his behaviors and thinking will tell u all u need to know... im sorry for ur misfortunes, and i hope u will bite the bit hard, and grab ur life by the reins and do what u need to do to be sane. dont let him misle u. beguile u, or pillowtalk u into feeling u should give him another chance. good luck.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2008): Hi there,
I'm sorry for your situation. I agree with Daniel and RCN, what you have just discoved is only the tip of the iceberg.
It will be harder for you but you need to think about your children, and put them above all. This isn't just about whether you love him or feel like you owe him something anymore.
Will he be a good father fo them? Will he be a good example? Will he help them grow and develop as happy and healthy human beings?
Having and emotional negligent father or seeing how their mother takes a lot of cr#p from their father will affect their self image, self steem and idea of what a relationship is way more than not having a father.
You are a strong self-suficient woman, know that you can go on by yourself and luckily you have the support of other people (at least your sisters).
Find all the information you can before taking your decision, from why he's being with other(s) and other things that can help you assess his moral quality, to what you can do for a living where can you work, who'll take care of the twins. Then you can take a decision, and before you do, you can only talk to him to get answers and close the circle, but don't get physical or romantic meanwhile.
If you do believe he'll chance (he could need therapy, a support group or medicaion) if you see a real change in his attitude and actions (not words) and you know You can forgive him and move on. Then do so and I wish you the best of lucks, but never use this incident/stage as a way to manipulate him, make him feel guilty or constanly scold him about it. It should be something from the past.
Otherwise, it's better sooner than later, and the sooner you realise this, it'll be better for your kids, really. You are a self sufficient person, with two hands, a brain and a heart who will do her best to raise well her children. Don't be afraid and don't doubt of yourself and according to probabilities, you'll find a man who knows what he wants, who respects you and your children and will love and support all of you unconditionaly. But remember that to get that kind of respect you need to give it to yourself first.
Things will turn out well for you. be confident in that.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (9 November 2008):
 I can't say your husband did feel guilty for what he did. That would explain the extra effort given for that week.
Who knows how many other women he had been with, but the staying out late shows there may be more that he is not telling you.
It seems as if your husband is a bit self centered. He wants what he desires, no matter who it affects. He cheated on you with a friend's wife. So, he disrespected your marriage and the marriage of your friend. Now he wants you back. Does he believe an argument justifys his cheating. His storming out shows he avoids taking responsability and runs away when important issues need to be discussed.
Whether or not your take him back is up to you. I would be worried about how long he'd be a real part of the family, before he went back to poor behavior.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (9 November 2008):
 I think I can't answer whether he deserves another chance. I do need to say that, in my opinion, his sleeping with the friend's wife is just the sign of a much more serious problem.
I don't think he could just go out and sleep with your friend's wife. There is a whole series of events that need to happen before two married persons can both leave their spouses, meet somewhere, and sleep; and that series of events beings long before that night, when the two of them first recognized they wanted to have sex and made it clear to each other. Not one but two families are affected here. And we don't know whether they slept together that one time. I doubt it. The husband had to suspect his wife was cheating on him, had to notice things weren't good between them, et cetera. This story began like months ago.
I don't think the twins had anything to do with his sleeping with someone else. Maybe the fact that now he's a father and has responsibilities sort of precipitated his cheating, but, like I said, I'm sure it wasn't the beginning of all. He has been keeping things to himself for some time.
I don't want to be a gossip, but I speculate that perhaps the reason why you two married was the fact that you became pregnant? I don't claim to make any judgments; I just have the hunch that perhaps he could have married you out of a sense of responsibility for the kids, and now he could be having second thoughts.
I think you need to know what is going on, maybe to the most punctilious detail, and then you can decide what to do.
If you decide to give him a second chance, make sure it's worth it. He's already done the damage he could do you, but the kids aren't suffering so far. If he comes back, but the good relationship is never really restored, he will leave, this time when the kids are old enough to feel his absence.
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