A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am married to a man who is a computer engineer. He works from home. Today, I told him that it really bothers me when we eat at the dinner table and he has his lap top on. Which means we don't talk and there is no eye contact. I even told him that it would be ok if he involved me like saying: "Hey, imagine this just happened in France." But since he does not say a word because he is busy reading and eating, and we just spent a whole day together it's OK not to talk at the table. He got really upset with me over this conversation and said I ruined his mood. He took his plate and went to the basement to his computer. And if he eats there, it's OK with me. I just don't want being ignored at the table if we eat together. Does anybody else has a problem like this? He also blamed me for making something big out of something little like this. My solution to is is either he eats without his magazine or laptop or he eats downstairs without me or maybe I should start bringing my laptop to the table?! Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2008): i totally know how you feel.sometimes in our life we want to feel loved and understood and when we put our points across they dont go to well.my husband works 12 hour shifts per day when he comes home there is nothng for him to do even though deep down he wouldnt help out....he then goes straight on the computer for the next 4 hours and doesnt say a word....conversations are something of the past..i totally understand your frustration....
A
male
reader, CorpusDei +, writes (20 December 2007):
 First off, you need to understand a computer geeks relationship to his computer. My wife calls mine the "square headed spouse", but it's more than that. For us, a computer is an extension of ourselves, almost an extra limb. It's where we entertain ourselves, where we learn, where we try new things, basically where we live. We are more attached to it than to anything else because we understand it on a fundamental way that can be _very_ difficult to comprehend for non-computer geeks. Being forcibly removed from that system can be very uncomfortable. We get twitchy when we can't check our email 1700 times a day. So you need to see his behavior in context.Having said that, his behavior is not acceptable, and does need to change and you do need to help him change it. The key is to approach it very non-threateningly. Attacking his computer is like telling a normal guy that he's got a tiny penis. You're hitting him below the belt and he's going to get really defensive really quickly. You're going to need to get him engaged with you and get him associating you with activities and things he's interested in. Do less chastising him for behavior that you don't like and more rewarding him for behavior that you do.You might want to hold the idea of dinner table conversation as the ultimate goal and approach it from a different angle. I was (and still occasionally am) pretty bad about this same issue. If I'm not doing something, I default to hanging out on the computer. My wife's response to that was start asking me to help out in the kitchen, not just chopping carrots but helping with the recipe and trying to make the recipe better. After my initial aggravation at being taken away from the computer wore off, I found I really liked it because cooking was a system that I could figure out. If I do this and this and this, then I get rewarded with my wife gushing happily over the meal and complementing me on my developing culinary skills (though I know some of those meals were absolute stinkers). Puzzle=solution=reward=I turned out to be a really good cook and now I'm in the kitchen almost more than she is and we sit down and enjoy a meal together because I like the reward of her enjoying the meal I just figured out.You might also want to start trying to engage him in other puzzle-like activities, things where he gets to figure something out and have something cool as the result. I've noticed a lot of computer types tend to enjoy learning to spin poi. Check out youtube for poi videos, point them out to him and tell him "That looks really cool and I'd like to try it. Want to try it with me?" If he's interested, you might pick up some softer poi and get outside with him to play. He might be more interested than you think he would be.Long, rambling post aside, the bottom line is that I'm not trying to excuse his behavior, but try to help you understand it and some ways to get him engaged outside of it. Just understand that he will never give up his computer, any more than you'd voluntarily give up your sense of taste or hearing, but with some time, effort and patience on both your parts, it's possible to get him away from it for awhile.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe already ate twice without any distractions. He is very uncomfortable being with me one on one at the dinner table. He starts making strange noises or talking to the dog. When he talks he gets into it because I listen. But when I talk, he seems to lose interest so fast (like a true computer nerd). I try to give him space and let him retrieve into his safety but it's very boring to me to be with a person who doesn't engage me. He reads a lot daily but he never shares with me any interesting stories or news. I feel I do most of the talking not because I love to talk but because I need to fill all these empty spaces. When I don't talk, there is nothing said. It seems that I always bring up great ideas of things for us to do but he rarely shows any enthusiasm for it. He'd rather stay at home in his cave. The only time he ventures out is to the gym.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2007): Dont add on to this because you are bringing more negativity to your relationship. instead build up some confidence and act more caring and cute towards him. tell him you miss him and love him hold him and give him a kiss.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWhen I was reading The Nerd Handbook I was laughing, now I want to either run out or cry. Thank you so much for the links!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2007): You may need the Nerd Handbook (a very nice blog post from a nerd who manages other nerds for a living and writes about it professionally):
http://www.randsinrepose.com/archives/2007/11/11/the_nerd_handbook.html
Your husband needs the Marriage Builders list of basic emotional needs (setting aside the goofy Love Bank metaphor, this is a great list of what you ought to be giving each other that he probably isn't):
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html
The Nerd Handbook doesn't make any excuses for his behavior--it agrees that common nerd behaviors are rude. And the Marriage Builders list helps in articulating what you need overall, which he must not understand if he's acting this way.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you. I needed to hear that I was not off.
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male
reader, rcn +, writes (10 December 2007):
 Talk about being inconsiderate. Don't bring your laptop to the table. All you're doing by taking that direction is giving into his poor behavior by imitating the same. Dinner time is suppose to be family time. A time to communicate and enjoy the company of the other person. I think it should be a rule to eat without the magazine or laptop at the table. Spending the day together is just an excuse. What happens during the day, does not excuse the rule at the dinner table. That's like keeping track of the time spent together, registering it to not overdue it.
I'd definitely say his behavior needs to change. His blaming you and going downstairs, I would have asked him if he needed a bottle with his dinner and his diaper changed. Tell him to take responsibility for his actions and not place blame.
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