A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:My husband is very outgoing and caring of others - a fact that attracted me to him in the first place. However, we have a major difference of opinion on what is considered as acceptable behaviour. My husband has had lots of girlfriends and partners over the years and likes to keep in contact with his exes. I have also had quite a few but am of the opinion that once it is over you don't keep in touch and I have never been with a man who has kept in contact with them either until now. My husband thinks there is nothing wrong in talking to exes on the phone and being friendly. I don't like it at all and it makes me feel very suspicious and insecure. Because it upsets me such a lot I have asked him not to but he says that I have no right to try and control who he speaks to and this degenerates into us not talking at all. I have been cheated on a large number of times in my life and think this kind of behaviour and talking to ex girlfriends behind my back is the road to ruin. My husband will no longer talk to me or basically have anything to do with me as he clearly thinks I am crazy. difficult, pathetic etc etc. Him talking to these women really does upset me as it shows that he is still clearly thinking about them. He says they mostly parted amicably so why not. I am at a loss now on how to broach or even approach the subject and the whole thing is making me really ill. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (14 June 2010):
 mmmm... wishing you well, and hoping you get over your bad day.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2010): When a true genius appears, you can know him by this sign. That all the dunces are in a confederacy against him. Jonathan Swift
This has nothing to do with me or MIAMINE or whatever her name is. I happen to have studied relationships and what are red flags. This woman needs support, not to be told that she is the problem and she needs to get over it she doesn't.
I am tired of you and MIAMINE and your little band of paranoid petty posse...get a life.
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A
male
reader, serenity80 +, writes (11 June 2010):
Wow rhythmandblues2, you've really had some bad experiences with guys, haven't you? Don't let your own failed experiences so heavily influence your advice to others when their situation could be entirely different. Miamine comes from a place of security and respect for other people, a place that fosters loving, secure and wonderful relationships. You on the other hand, come from a place of distrust and fear. The pictures of your cats, I suspect are not just a coincidence of this distrust that you have learnt from your years.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2010): How does your husband treat you when you are sick, ill?
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (11 June 2010):
Maybe if you get to know his "friends", you'll find out that they are nice people indeed. At the moment it feels lonely being excluded when he has these "friends" you don't know. They knew he was getting married, I bet he talks about you all the time and they say nice words about how marriage with you seems to suit him and they are glad that it's you he married and not them...
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (11 June 2010):
ah... I got it mixed up.. the reason my cousin (dead guys ex partner) didn't come to my dad's house is because she and the dead guys new girlfriend decided to go over to his ex-wife's house instead and give her the support that she badly needed.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2010): Let me tell you a little story about a guy who keeps talking to all his exes.
There is this guy who keeps all his old girlfriends phone numbers including just girls who have crushes on them in his cell phone.
He stopped calling all those girls on his own without being asked because his live in girlfriend made it pretty clear she didn't like it...he even told a couple of the crushes who would call and put down his girlfriend for not wanting him to have contact with her to her face to stop calling him.
He then had a couple of female "work friends" who he used to sit by and went out to happy hours with call him and put down his girlfriend because he mentioned she was "jealous". These women called frequently, one even left drunken messages on his phone to have no strings attached sex. Did I mention that she was 30 years older than him, that's right 60 and a divorced pill addict and a professed 'swinger'. The other woman that called put down the girlfriend and the 60 year old for being jealous. She was married and resented her husband for making her give up one of her exes when they got married TWENTY years ago...she called constantly, she called at dinner time, she called when he was out with his child on a special occassion knowing that the girlfriend would "hear". She called from her daughter's wedding crying. Where the hell was her husband for her needed support. The boyfriend punished his girlfriend for asking him not to talk so much to this woman, and gee her husband didn't like it either, was he trying to break them up? No, he talked to both of them because they Liked him and that was the only reason he did it...they stroked his ego. He didn't care what the girlfriend thought about it or felt, he discounted her told her she couldn't tell him who to talk too and was being controlling.
She finally asked him to move out. Two months later she get's a text from the boyfriend telling her that this woman who resented her husband was filing for divorce and her husband had driven over to his house and crashed his car repeatedly into his garage door trying to get him out of tho house....he called the boyfriend and accused him of having sex with his wife that she told him the specifics of where and when. The boyfriend still denied this to his girlfriend and said he was buying a gun to protect him from this crazy husband of hers. The couple is divorced and the boyfrien no longer sees her as a friend because she is too fat....he now has a new girlfriend who has seen text messages of a sexual nature to his ex and chooses to believe him that he is some kind of prize and he chose her.
I am telling you this is a bad sign. Once an entitled jerk narcissist, always one. Physical beauty fades with age, but crazy is forever.
He's lying, there is something else he is getting out of this if nothing but a fall back.
The minute the girlfriend dumped her boyfriend out of the house he started calling every female's stored number saved on his phone, exes included.....it's who he is, is what they do.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2010): I think your husband is showing you a lot of disrespect by talking to his exes....for God's sake he needs to grow up.
It is a big red flag when a man has a lot of female "friends", he's a Casanova and he is a narcissistic guy with his little narcissistic harem kept around to stroke his ego.
You are treated like the old ball in chain, the ever cooperative patient, dull wife that puts up with his bs and he punishes you for trying to set these boundaries with him. He is crossing your personal boundaries and devaluing you in the process.
He is really being a jerk, I don't care what all these folks tell you about you being the problem....he's a jerk.
You have a choice, to shut up and stop giving him the attention he seeks by this stupid behavior, asking him if you can meet each and everyone of these exes, get on the phone and ask them to stop calling, put your foot down and walk the next time he crosses the line.
Personally, I would be looking for the door. I will not tolerate disrespect, being discounted and punished for wanting a man to honor me and our committment to our relatiioship. He is acting as an "I" not a "we", he is single with all the benefits of being married, uh uh.
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A
female
reader, SadieSA  +, writes (11 June 2010):
I can understand why you wouldn't like your husband talking to his ex's. Ex's are people they were with and had somesort of feelings for, but remember they're ex's for a reason. Having been cheated before you are always going to be concerned about it happening again. Trust your husband enough to tell you the truth. I know you may feel a little insecure because they are his ex's but that doesn't mean he is interested in anything other then a conversation. He is with you now, you are what he wants. Try not to put the thought of him cheating in your, your'll never get rid of it and it will tear you guys apart. As for your husband being a little distant lately, see if he is ok, you may have hurt his feelings when you told him to quit talking to the ex's, he could have taken as you not trusting him and if he is being honest you have a little patch work to do. I would try talking to him again about the situation, figure out if you guys can come up with a solution together, or at least find out why he is not willing to stop talking to them.
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A
male
reader, serenity80 +, writes (11 June 2010):
Interesting sides to this argument.
I guess when someone doesn't like a partner being in contact with ex's it is because they are experiencing fear that they are going to loose something they want to keep.
Essentially there is nothing wrong with feeling fear and jealousy that you could loose something you value, but I do think if you can work to a point where you are like Miamine where you feel safe and ok about ex's on the scene then that is a true mark of trust and love in a relationship where you are choosing to love and be with someone with no conditions.
It takes both sides to work at this though, maybe the person who is in contact with the ex's needs to have the necessary self-confidence and emotional strength to develop their partners trust in them and show them that it can work. If you can achieve that, I think it's a win-win for everyone.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (11 June 2010):
Last party I attended was at my father's house(a funeral) In attendance was my ex boyfriend (short relationship) and his girlfriend, my mother and father (divorced 27years) my dad's ex girlfriend (truely beloved by my mother) and his new girlfriend in the kitchen. The dead guy had 2 ex girlfriends there, my father is the uncle of his ex partner, (she didn't attend because of personal reasons) A brother of the ex-husband of another cousin brought up the rear. He got a good telling off by my aunt, who dosen't like his brother very much, but still was upset by his absence... The ex-wife (my cousin) and their children were all there, and she loves her ex-brother in law and has tons of affection for him.... my dad was so happy, so many people arround, so much love and friendship... my mother kept kissing my dad, everyone made jokes, and his new girlfriend and her hugged and talked for hours...
For me this is normal, this is how I expect the world to be... but I understand for you it's strange, but from my example can you see, that lust/romantic love can pass and friendship and brotherly/sisterly love remain to support you in times of sadness, times of trouble and times when you can just relax with people you know understand you and are willing to love the people you love.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you to all those who have responded. The response seems to be very divided so far which I guessed it would be. My life and background has to date never come up against this situation where ex lovers, partners etc are classed as regularly contactable friends and I personally feel very uncomfortable with it. I would not want to attend a function if they were there or want to speak to them or meet them. I would be always alooking over my shoulder as I firmly believe what loops said that there is always one party that might still want more or is looking for a fall back. Maybe I just have too suspicious a nature!
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (11 June 2010):
Many people are like you, they have no contact with ex partners and can't see the reason to do so.
But that's you, that's not him, that's not how everybody else in the world works. In my culture and within my friends and family, ex partners, lovers, husbands are always welcome. My family and friends would think it very strange if I never had contact with any of my ex's, they would see this as unfriendly.
If I were to marry a person like you, who got angry and demanded that I stop talking to my ex's who I regard as valued friends... well... my friends and family would pressure me to get a divorce, they would say your too neurotic, too insecure, don't value friendship and are trying to control me.
You don't like to remain friends with ex's, he dose. He will never get rid of people who he classes as friends, only a guy with no morals would do something like that.
It is your choice, either trust the man and believe him when he says that these people are his friends, or keep nagging and demanding of him.. I think you will find that he starts looking at you differently and loose respect for a woman who dosen't understand the meaning of love, trust and friendship.
Your pushing him away, he can't change, this is the man he is. Maybe you should start thinking about divorce if you cannot find a way to accept this.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2010): I don't see anything wrong with it either in this case. Its a sign of maturity that he's managed to remain friends with so many ex's in a polite, platonic way. Just because other guys have cheated on you doesn't mean that he should have to suffer the consequences. You've got a life philosophy about ex's and clearly he does too. You can't impose your philosophy on him because it hurts you, especially when it may very well hurt him just as much to lose his life-time friends. If you try to make him cut-contact its going to cause you nothing but trouble.
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A
male
reader, serenity80 +, writes (11 June 2010):
I think you are in a really common situation. But I don't understand why this issue wasn't sorted out before you got married?
The bottom line is, he is going to need to stop talking to the ex's, or you're going to have to become OK with it.
My opinion is that he should be willing to cut contact with the ex's if it is upsetting you. Unless there are exceptional circumstances about a particular relationship, I can't see why anyone in a relationship would want to keep ties with an ex especially if the other partner is feeling sick and insecure about it.
Does these friendships really mean that much to him that he can continue them knowing how bad you feel?
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A
female
reader, loops +, writes (11 June 2010):
Hi there I understand your frustrations as my own boyfriend is the same. However my reactions have only been like yours when I have felt there was something more to it than just chatting, i.e the girl still felt something for him, and infact I have been right on every occasion :|.
I don't mind my boyfriend talking to his ex's because I trust him, however the line gets crossed when I think that it may cause us problems due to the other person's feelings getting entangled. If there is no feeling from these other people I suggest you take a step back and realise they are just another person and no threat to you. He loves you, he's been honest enough to tell you he does that, and not hide it from you.
If there is a clear feelings issue going on then to me its different, otherwise you are letting your own views cloud his. I am like you, once an ex they are gone, but that doesn't mean everyone else thinks that way, yet it doesn't make it sinister if he does. He shares a friendship with these people, nothing more, unless you suspect more I would back off a bit before you ruin your relationship.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (11 June 2010):
The problem is that you have broached the subject and it's not happening. I don't think that anything is happening between him and these other women. I do think he's just friends with them. The problem is that I'm not sure he's as caring as you think he is. He seems to have a lot of ex's for a man who is so caring, and it's not like he's bothered with your feelings too much. The more I think about this, the more I think he's actually not that nice at all.
The fact is here, he will not stop talking to them, and you know it. No matter what you say, he won't stop. So you are the one who either has to accept it or move on here. He won't change for you.
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A
female
reader, Emma_zee +, writes (11 June 2010):
If you try to pressure him into not talking to them then he will just drift away from you more. Because most of us don't like to be told what to do do and what not. Having said that, when you are talking to an ex, it's often not all that platonic, there is always the slightest bit of flirtation or spark or chemistry left from both parties. Since your husband is out going and a peoples person, he probably likes the little bit of attention and often all these kinda contacts are a source of ego boosting really. Cheating is a whole different story that depends entirely on the mindset and conscience of a person. We often see people and wonder..oh he is hot/ she is hot etc but hardly does it mean we are going to leave our partners to go sleep with them. So at present all he is probably doing is harmless flirting at most. The thing is you are his wife and all the other ones are not...now what you need to be focusing on is making him feel that he is with the right person. When he is talking to an ex, he should be thinking that my god, my wife is so much cooler and not think oh my god, she is so cool and wife is such a pain! So my suggestions would be change your attitude towards the topic. Don't show him mitt bothers you...try and become flirtatious with I'm, tease him and show you are secured and no one was good enough and you are the best. Be confident and tease him all the time, compliment his ex if need be and dint forget to add but you're better and wink....bring a sort of spark and fun in the relationship. Make him feel he is with the right person. I am saying all these from experience. I am like your husband. I am a girl but i kind of like talking to my ex. When my guy gets jealous I compare that the ex was better in this and that...all he needs to do is just to chill and let me feel comfortable and proud of our relationship that we are so understanding etc etc...I will not cheat!!!!! But constant insecurity is just going to make me fall out of love with him. Because it's a turn off that he isn't appreciating my faithfulness and he is making a big deal out of harmless fun. He just seems petty.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2010): You must have known this before you married so why marry him? I don't blame you for being upset, I would not put up with it too. Give him a choice, me or the ex's. If he chooses them then he really does not love you and is not worth it.
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