A
female
age
41-50,
*lex242
writes:My husband and I have a 3mo old daughter. The other day I mentioned it was time to start thinking of what methods we needed to use to childproof the house in the near future. I said I would like to move all the cats' litter boxes upstairs cos if Baby gets into them, they can make her very sick; my husband flat refused! He said ,'The kid will learn!', and that she would only do it a couple of times at most. I am extremely disappointed in him for this. I remember a time not too long ago when I was laying on the bed, and his female cat jumped on me and scratched me; he was there, and told me, as I was bleeding, that it was my fault for being where the cat likes to jump. This was a serious scratch, as I am scarred from it. The thing is, if this happened with our daughter, I would be furious with him. It seems he is putting these animals before his daughter and wife. I realise there is this 'unconditional love' thing with animals, however my husband has said, himself, that he does not believe in unconditional love. There are more issues with these 2 cats, such as his being more affectionate with them than our daughter and me, but I am truly worried for my baby's safety. When I was growing up, my mum loved her dogs far more than she loved me, to the point of neglect, and I cannot put my little girl through that with her father. He does not understand this at all. I am not asking him to get rid of the cats, just that they are in their place. He will not even spend time in the house with her and/or me without these cats. I am afraid, and growing miserable. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2012): This is a very difficult thing. My husband is currently doing the same by the way and the only thing that is helping is get past it is me putting my foot down. Move the boxes snd declaw the cats. No, you do not need nis permission. One of them has already proved she can do harm and has scarred you, so protect your daughter.
If he moves the boxes back downstairs, schedule an appointment with the child's pediatrician to talk about toxoplasmosis dangers. Any diligent parent can still have their baby get into a litter box if it is in an obvious place and his response of "she will learn" is not logical, as the learning experience could kill her.
Be prepared for him to be irrationsl if you do any of the above mentioned actions, but if he leaves it is considered abandonment and YOU thereby get custody...tell any judge his reason for leaving and you will have a very easy divorce.
I put my foot down with my husband's cat, and he has agreed to move her to an area of the house in a room by herself, which is what this cat prefers anyway but I do not think i will ever gain any respect back for my dh since he respects his animal over me and our unborn child.
I will need therapy to get past my resentment (his cat pees and poops everywhere and he will not clean it up).
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (10 April 2012):
 You make presumptions too,OP:)
Personally, I am far from your typical " animal lover " - I am way too fastidious for that , and I had, and have, many other hobbies and interests coming way BEFORE the cats.I just had adults , pets and kids coexist serenely without any accident ( OK, yes, the Russian Blue once ruined my leather pants peeing on them :) ). With PROPER CARE and PROPER HANDLING- and proper hygiene too. The cat fancier was, like in your case , my husband- who, though, would never have thought to place a litterbox in our bedroom , or to rub a cat on a newborn's face,or to plop it on a baby's bed.
It seems that it's your husband who's acting irrational- but you only mentioned that in the updates, not in your first post.
You sure have your work cut out for you. If you joined the kind of household where pets have free rein of everything and unlimited access to anywhere- and you never ,ever squeaked a pip before , to make hubby happy or not to raise waves, and now you do- he won't authomatically take your reasons on board. He may see it as a case of " I love you - you are perfect- now change ".
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A
female
reader, Shadow Rose  +, writes (10 April 2012):
 A good idea is to get a nail clipper for your cats. It's perfectly humane to clip their nails, even though they tend to squirm and complain. Dogs do that too. They just don't like you holding their paws.
My grandmother has two cats, and to keep them from clawing her leather furniture, she clips their nails. It's a pain catching them, and they do squirm, but it doesn't hurt them, unless you cut the nail too low, and even then, it won't hurt them for very long, and practice makes perfect.
Suggest this to him, and you two can work on this together (It is definitely a two-man job, especially with skittish cats)
and both of you will feel better. Just remember to keep their nails trimmed often, and if they are long-haired cats, be sure to brush them often and vaccuum a lot, so your daughter doesn't develop anything from a lot of cat dander.
I think that clipping their nails (No declawing though, it's inhumane) will solve this conundrum, so your daughter is safe from sharp claws. Just be sure to teach her the signs of an angry cat and to stay away from the cats mouth, since there's nothing you can do about sharp teeth.
After that, then you two should work on finding a new place for the litterboxes so that everyone is happy. My grandmother puts her cats litterbox in the laundry room, so it's out of the way, and it's on the opposite side of the machines, so there's no chance of clothes getting in the box either!
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A
female
reader, Alex242 +, writes (10 April 2012):
Alex242 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou are right, Shadow Rose, I do need to have a sit down with him on this matter again. Yes, the cats will adjust again :) I would love to spend a couple of nights with my husband at an inne, so we can talk away from the cats; when they are around they are his main focus. I truly am trying; I promise that. When we are away from the cats, he is different. Strange, but true.
Perhaps part of the problem is, before the conception, I prioritised these cats nearly as highly as he did. I find I can no longer do so with our daughter here. I love the cats, and I apologise that they now are a different priority, but that is the way it is.
Yesterday, our daughter was lying in the bed, and my husband put the female cat right in her face to try to 'introduce' them again. The cat got funny, and I said nicely to stop. He let the cat go, thank heavens. A bit later the cat started getting jumpy again, and almost jumped right on top of my daughter. Luckily, the cat did not. My point is that I do not want to risk it; this cat could scratch my daughter's eyes whether the cat means to or not. That is my MAIN priority. I cannot be any more clear here on this matter. I am trying not to get annoyed, in 'real life', and here on the boards, however when I think what permanent damage could be inflicted on my daughter, I am more than bothered. I always watch my daughter with said cats, but my husband does not. He does not see ANY danger from the cats, intentional or otherwise. A 3mo old baby is defenceless.
The female cat can get agressive, also nervous, as she spent most of her life outside. I would love to find a very good home for her, however my husband will not hear of it. In fact, he even has a friend who can happily take this cat, but it would cause great resentment on the part of my husband. This is quite a conundrum.
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A
female
reader, Shadow Rose +, writes (10 April 2012):
I think you need to sit your husband down and talk to him about this. Tell him that you are just concerned about your daughters safety, and you just want what's best for her. Tell him you do love the cats too, but you do need to move the litter box, and the cats will adjust, just as they have adjusted to it before. Perhaps you two should also spend some quality time together, so you can feel more like he's paying attention to you, and he can feel less like you hate his cats?
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A
female
reader, Alex242 +, writes (10 April 2012):
Alex242 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNever mind, I've had it with irrational animal people who think pets can do no wrong.
Thank you for the bit of understanding, So_Very_Confused; upon first moving here, I asked him to put the boxes in the extra bathroom, and he refused. They were in the BABY'S room, so I moved them into the lav myself. He moved them out into the other bedroom. Leaving him is a last resort.
Cindy, you have been making too many presumptions; I DID have health concerns whilst pregnant. I didn't touch the boxes then.
More later :)
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A
female
reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (10 April 2012):
 have you considered that you might be overreacting a tiny bit?
These are just cats. Thousands of people have cats and babies cohabiting happily.
Unless a cat is antagonised, they will not bite or scratch. The litter boxes are a non-issue, moving them will not make a cat more or less inclined to scratch.
You say your daughter is 3 months old..... could you perhaps be suffering from mild post-natal depression? This can often make small issues suddenly seem like major problems.
All the things you have mentioned appear to be over-protective (not criticising, so please do not take that the wrong way).
- the litter boxes and worrying about baby getting into them. Unless she is left unattended, HOW would that happen?
- the scratching, yes, cats do that. If you play, and get in the way, or you pick them up funny, or they jump on you and miss, they will dig their claws in to stop themselves slipping. 99% of the time its not malicious.
Your daughter will be under your supervision, so the cat shouldnt get an opportunity. And yes, when she gets a bit bigger, she may get the odd nip or scratch, we have all been ther, and we learn. DONT poke kitty like that as they dont like it. I have had some crackers in the past! But most of the time it was my own fault, I provoked and got my deserved swipe.
I think you need to chill out a little bit with this, and maybe you see your mother and the dogs in this situation. Your husband is NOT doing what your mother did. He is being totally logical. At present those cats pose very little danger to your child.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (9 April 2012):
- Sure . Cat Scratch Fever is a MILD bacterial infection caused by Bartonella henselae. The cat must be already infected to pass the bug, and , while this is fairly common in kittens, it is much ,much rarer in adult cats. Moreover , Bartonella is extremely dangerous for people with immuno-compromised conditions ( cancer patients undergoing chemo, people with HIV/AIDS , organ transplanr patients ). No biggie in other cases - also considering that is, generally , preventable by promptly and accurately washing and disinfecting the scratch.
Not that it could not happen, - but you were more at risk , for instance, to catch toxoplasmosis when you were pregnant,through these cats , and THAT would have been a big problem- how come did not you have health concerns then ?
Again, I won't deny that there is ALWAYS some risk involved in keeping pets - more than in pet free households. But to eliminate the risk, you should get rid of the cats, not get rid of the boxes. How do you think that moving the boxes , or even moving the cats to another room, would eliminate the chance of your daughter being scratched, particularly if the female cat is aggressive ?
You do sound frustrated, and I don't mean to antagonize you or to wind you up. I just fail to see the logic . Because :
If these cats - at least one- ARE unusually aggressive , and unsafe for your child -they need to go,period. No compromise.
If they are instead just being... cats - then maybe your husband just wants you to relax and consider them felines , not walking uranium bombs. Just pets, that with normal care and normal handling won't be any special hazard to anybody.
Anyway- you might just have different ideas about pet care, or about what is a safety challenge. In many couples there's an apprehensive partner and a laid back, "whatever " one, and that's often true about parenting, and other issues too . But why should that mean that you and the baby are a burden for him, or that he does not want you around ??
If he does not mind finding cat fur on his bed, and instead you do mind- is that enough to say he does not love his family anymore, or that he wants to get rid of you ?
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (9 April 2012):
 My father had Cat Scratch Fever.
I had a child bitten by a dog once. I put the dog down the next day. I get your feelings.
A bedroom is an odd place for a litter box.
my cats were given one of the extra bathrooms... and cat doors were created....
if you and your husband discussed it and agreed to things before the baby was born and now he's going back on his word you have every right to be upset and angry
and if you feel your child is in danger you have every right as a parent to protect your child.
you say you love your husband so I am assuming that precludes discussing you leaving with the child if the situation presents itself as unfair or unsafe correct?
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A
female
reader, Alex242 +, writes (9 April 2012):
Alex242 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am truly tiring of this being blamed on perceptions. Had my husband been bleeding from an injury from a scratch, I'd be a sight more sympathetic than he was.The cats will get used to moved boxes; they have adjusted before. We very recently moved house.Have you lot heard of 'Cat Scratch Fever', not the song. The male cat is mostly fine; the female cat startles, jumps, and scratches. Of course our daughter will be taught 'NO' when it applies; there's no other way to raise a child :-) I love my husband a Great Deal, and do not want to leave him. I also do not want to tie him down if he has changed his mind since our daughter has arrived. My ideal is all of us together happily. We discussed everything prior to conception; he has seemingly changed since our daughter's arrival, and this new hous. No, it is not the house, as he loves this place and picked it himself. It's not moving house, in and of itself, either.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (9 April 2012):
Same thing. In whichever room the litter boxes have been placed ( but yes, the bedroom was a strange choice to begin with ) why a crawling baby should have access to it by herself , and get herself into a litterbox !? She'll be supervised, and prevented from going where she shouldn't. When she is being a little older, more mobile, and less physically restrainable, she will also be the age to be taught and understand NO, don't touch this, NO you don't do that.
This starts early, and it's a must anyway, cats or no cats, - because after all there is only so much that you can baby proof.
Sofas, just to name a random thing. I did not want my son to climb and jump on the sofa- because I did not want him to fall down and hurt himself, (and because I did not want him to ruin my nice sofa :)). He was taught since a very early age that sofas are for only sitting . I never thought- and there was no need- to remove the sofa from its place and have everybody sitting on the floor.
Or water taps. All kids love fawcets, and opening them and let the water run for hours, till it overflows and floods the whole house- if you'd let them, but you don't.What do you do, do you unscrew the taps and hide them ? No. You teach the kid that certain things are off limits. A litter box is no different.
As for the safety risks posed by the " unpredictability " of pets , sure , there's no denying it. S..t happens, and of course , if you have pets, even with supervision, training and proper care, we can't totally exclude forever the possibility of bites and scratches. It must be lower than you think , though, otherwise no family with kids would ever keep any pets, - while in fact in the wide majority of cases the cohabitation of humans and pets is smooth ,happy and accident free.
If you are really,honestly convinced that these cats could represent a health hazard for your child , why didn't you raise the issue BEFORE having the child ?
I still think that this is not just about safety, and the cats are only a metaphor for something else that's missing , or that you FEEL it's missing in your marriage. Otherwise, there would be no room for jealousy, and no competition between baby and cats- the very idea is strange, because, in general, even for the more rabid animal lovers, there's no competition, because it's not the same thing, it's like orange and apples. You love your kids AND you love your pets, with no need for a choice or a comparison.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (9 April 2012):
put low climbable gates around the litter boxes... that the cats can get to but the child will be thwarted by...
(works for Xmas trees as well)....
teach her no for those things that are not safe... but moving the litter box is not good for the kitties... it may confuse them or piss them off then you have angry cats that WILL leave you presents on the floor...
better to barrier off the litter box. besides learning NO is a critical word for all children
Sounds to me like you are not happy in your marriage and that he is not happy either
children will pick up on this
perhaps you are using the issue with the litter box as a springboard for figuring out how to get out of the marriage...
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A
female
reader, Alex242 +, writes (9 April 2012):
Alex242 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI realised when I wrote this, that there would be the thought of my projecting the past into the present. I have endeavoured to be as factual as possible in the telling of this situation; I do not see how his reaction to my being scratched, for example, is projection on my part.
Of course I will supervise my daughter. These litter boxes are not in the lav, but in a bedroom. This truly IS about the safety of our daughter. Yes, I will be teaching her to play safely with pets, however, animals are animals and scratch and bite unpredictably. We do not own any birds; I meant exactly what I asked for about the litter boxes.
If he does resent our daughter and me, and does not want us, we do not have to be here to burden him. He needs to be forthcoming if he wishes this. It will hurt more than I can convey, but it is better than being here unwanted. He has wanted a child for decades; I believe he may have a disconnect between the idea and the reality of having an 'heir'(his terminology). He also truly believes in 'womens work'. He is also the type who would not marry if he did not want. He has been married before, but was single with various cats for some time.
I am analysing my behaviour more closely to see if it may be provoking him. If I am provoking him, he needs to take it up with me, and consider the safety of our daughter a different issue. I do love pets, however they have their place.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (9 April 2012):
I think you are,perhaps inevitably, projecting your past in your future,- this is not really about the cats or about baby proofing , it is about you wanting to feel loved and cherished and IMPORTANT and maybe the dynamics in your marriage prevent that.
My child grew up with cats and we never had any accident- and I was a MANIAC about child safety, the poster mom for apprehensive parenting :).
But, why would you have to move the litter boxes upstairs ? Hopefully, you don't keep them just laying around in your living room or dining room right ? Hopefully they'll be in some closet or bathroom or lavatory , somewhere a bit out of the way. And I hope you don't think of giving your baby the free unsupervised roam of the house when she starts crawling or moving the first baby steps- otherwise she could get into many more dangerous things than litter boxes ! When she starts exploring, you, or some other adult, will be WATCHING her closely, and ,in time , teaching her what she can and cannot touch. Including how to safely play with the cats so she does not get scratched OR involuntarily hurts the pets. ( Yes, it's a lot of work. Welcome to Moms Club ).
I think there is already something that makes you feel insecure and unappreciated in your marriage, and until you find it out and fix THAT, nothing will be solved. Your husband might even consent to move the litter boxes where you want- and you 'd start worrying about the canary cage.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2012): I'm sorry but you can't change another person's feelings. If he truly is more concerned about his cats than you and your kid you can't change that.
Does he hold resentment towards you? It sounds like he does.
Is autistic?
Did he want to have a child?
Did he want to get married?
Just wondering cos it really sounds like he does not care that much about you and your kid.
I suggest you consider separation and possibly divorce unless his behavior and attitude is a reaction to something you are doing first.
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