A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My mum shouted at me yesterday because i told her that i was going to take some food to my boyfriend's house. It was only a pizza, and it only cost £1. She said my boyfriend was scrounging off me ( or sponging off me ). She was supposed to give me a lift to his house, but when she knew i was taking the food, she said she wasn't going to take me there, and she said " you can tell him i told him to f*** off!. No one is sponging/scrounging off my daughter! ". I think she really overreacted!. My mum has only met him twice, and only briefly, so she hardly knows him. She is overprotective of me, and has overreacted in other situations.My boyfriend has been having financial problems, and i know this for sure, as he read some letters that he has received about that. He has asked me for money sometimes as well, but only a little bit, like 40 or 50p or a £1, and just once, he asked for £5. His neighbours have given him things for his house as well, without him even asking them for it. My boyfriend is on Disability Benefits, and i am on Jobseeker's Allowance.He has only asked for money or food on the weeks when he doesn't get paid, but on the weeks he does get paid, he buys a lot of things for himself, and he has also bought food for both of us, and has bought me a few gifts. Was my mum right or wrong to do that?.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2012): He asked for 40 and 50p and £1 when i was at his house and we went to buy a bit of food.He smokes and drinks too.I'm not sure how often he drinks,but he said he has cut down on smoking.Honeypie,i dont live with my mum,so i dont know if she should have a say in it really, and i just thought it was wrong when she said i should tell him that she told him to f*** off.He's a lovely guy,and my mum doesnt know him as well as i do.I have to say though that no matter how desperate i was,i could never ask anyone for money or food as i would feel like i was being rude.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (9 April 2012):
 I would stop giving him money when he asks.
I know that HERE getting a government disability payment is NOT a "living wage" My son gets federal funds for his disability and still has to be supplemented by parents in order to LIVE in a decent place (we are not talking about extras even)
but if he makes enough to pay rent and gets hel with food and other stuff... then yeah stop being the bank for fun stuff...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2012): No I wouldn't go that crazy. If he's a nice guy who treats you well and is good to you then money is not a reason to dump him. But I wouldn't give him any more money. Only bring as much money as you need for the bus home or whatever and if he asks say you haven't any on you. It's okay to bring over food if it's something you're having with him. Just don't be his bank or charity worker OP.
If you want to help him then perhaps the best help you can give him is to perhaps find ways he can get himself out of the mess he's in, give him advice. He has an income OP, whatever his problems are he can sort them. You get less than him per week and you're able to survive aren't you? I just find it strange that a man your age, who is getting benefits has to scrounge for money for food. As Honeypie rightly said if this guy is buying booze, fags or even crisps, chocolate or other luxuries yet has to go to a centre for meals then he's taking the piss. I'd sell all my gadgets and anything else I had to, to buy food before I'd ask others to feed me. I'd give up fags and I'd give up sweets and alcohol too if I were in his position it would be my own mess and it would be up to me to fix it. I certainly would have too much pride to ask for money or go to a centre for food when I have possessions I could sell to get food. I'd move to a cheaper flat, declare bankruptcy, I'd consolidate all my debts into a single debt with a fixed rate that was well within my financial capabilities to pay back and still have a roof over my head and food in my belly.
We all go through hard times, sometimes that's financially when it is financially that is all our own mismanagement. I have never once taken out a loan in my life and never had any debt, never really had much money in my life and never needed it either.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (9 April 2012):
 How the heck is 40 or 50p or a £1, going to help him out if he has financial problems? and how many times does he as for 40 or 50p or a £1 a week? Add them up. I'm betting it comes to a much larger number then you think. Also WHAT does he need the money for? Something he really need or something he wants? Such as cigarettes, beer at the pub, snacks... If he can't afford them that is on him.
Why not try and help him make a budget. I'm sure he doesn't get much money on Disability, but he needs to find ways to NOT have ask his GF for money/stuff. Specially if it means you go with out.
As for your mom, well I don't blame her (to a point) since YOU live at home with her you are sponging of her since you are WAY over 18. Now a parent may not mind that, because they LOVE their children, but when she sees you always put the BF first, she might have her doubts as to YOUR ability to be on your own one day.
Make budget (if you don't know how, ask your Mom) and try and stick to you. Try and put a little in the savings each month as well.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2012): Do you think i should break up with him because of this or should i tell him that i cant/wont give him money or bring food anymore?.I know he has been to a drop in centre for a meal too but i'm not sure how often he goes there.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2012): I used to do the same about your age when I was living at home and on the dole. I too contributed but I consider it as still sponging.
I stand by my original statement about your boyfriend though OP. £1 here and there add up, you're not exactly flush yourself, you're contributing to the place you live and you and his neighbours have to give him money and food. If he's not paying that back bit by bit then he's a sponger OP that's all I'm saying. A sponger doesn't have to ask because they know the people that care about them will give anyway knowing their situation.
Whatever his financial state of affairs he needs to deal with that. Disability is more than enough to live on, I have friends on disability and while I don't ever recommend breaking the law there are ways of making extra cash. Disability will pay the bills, rent and food. Any extra debt he has on top of that can be spread out and paid back and he'd still be able to eat and keep a roof over his head without help from anyone else.
There is a hell of a lot of help out there for this kind of thing and he should have a time frame for when he will be financially secure again. If he's in debt he has a fixed income and can set up a way of paying that back that won't leave him short. If he's just simply overdue on bills and then he's either living beyond his means, wasting his money elsewhere or generally just bad with money. The only way he'd not be a sponger OP is if he was genuinely dealing with this. If that was the case then he'd be able to deal with it and not need money and food from others. You live in the UK OP one of the most generous welfare systems in the world, there are so many ways that your government ensures no one goes without a place to live and food in their belly. Anyone who lacks either of those things either hasn't got their shit together or is trying to be too luxurious. I bet he has lots of things he could sell for a nice amount of cash. Perhaps a playstation, a tv, a stereo.
I hit hard times before and I had to sell pretty much everything but my mobile phone just to be able to pay rent and bills. If he's sitting there with a nice tv, a stereo, even a car then he's sponger because they're luxuries and food and rent etc. are far more important, they're necessities.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2012): Cerberus,i pay towards things at home,so i wouldnt say i am sponging.I dont live with my mum btw.I live with other relatives.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2012): Yes and no. OP you're a sponger too aren't you? Living at home on the dole is sponging really and in that way when he sponges off you he is sponging off her too.
OP a sponger is person who borrows money from someone without giving it back and then asks for more loans that don't get paid back. If he asks but never pays back then he's a sponger.
"Was my mum right or wrong to do that?"
As your mother trying to protect you then yes, she was. He is sponging off you, the state, his neighbours and he has financial problems. He's the very definition of sponger but he's a smart sponger. He gives just enough back in cheap food and cute gifts to make it seem he's not.
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