A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Should I be concerned that my husband of 2 months has registered himself with some site that are "questionable" in my opinion for a married man. This was done behind my back, but I have found the evidence because he left his computer on one day and forgot that it was still up on the screen. I never said anything to him but I've been secretly checking on his log in when he's not around, trying to figure out what (or who) he's searching for. For the most part he seems happy to be with me. He comes home every night, he doesn't act shady with his phone, but lately he's been tied up at lunch alot, and when he comes home he seems a little distant or distracted. We're still having sex and it still feels like we're connected but he has begun to travel alot more for his job. While he's away on business, he doesn't call me as often and he goes out at the bars with the "guys" every night which is so out of character for him. I tried to bring it up casually one day, just to ask him if he's happy (with me) he said yes, and seemed authentic but I get the feeling he's living a double life. I just don't know what to do or how to find out.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2011): To female reader..How can a married man be on a dating site of of interest???? and a newly married one for that matter....' with no interest of doing anything?' ...Oh purlease spare me.....@ Poster I do not know the circumstances under which you got married ie...did you pressure him to marry you? did anyone else pressure him to marry you? Or id he just marry just because it was expected ?....Moving along you need to speak with you husband in a gentle loving was..please be careful not to be confrontational or accusatory and tell him how you feel about the things you have observed...If he is unhappy for any reason you can both discuss how you can put things right...In the meantime I hope you delay starting a family until you are both ready/agree to....It is important that your children be brought into a home secure and happy....Best of luck....
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2011): As you have only been married two months - I wonder how well you know him - is it long enough to know that this is not his usual behaviour. Your instinct may be correct, but he could be a regualr visitor to this site just out of interest, with no intention of doing anything. Before you tackle him, I would take stock of the situation. Have you really got grounds to make him feel you don't trust him or make yourself look paranoid? If needs be, then say you stumbled over this site, then casually ask what's up?
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A
female
reader, bernergirl  +, writes (3 February 2011):
 This sounds exactly what happened to me with my boyfriend of 4 1/2 years. If I could go back and do it all over again, I would first ask yourself a couple questions. If he is living a double life, are you going to stay with him or leave? I say this because your mind will start to play tricks on you, logic will interfere with your emotions. Then I would advise to follow your instincts, you have them for a reason, and most of the time they are correct. If you don't want to worry yourself into an early grave you can search for catching a partner or spouse in infidelity, there are key loggers (tracts everything typed on your computer), there is also GPS trackers and there are a lot of other ways to get proof. The bottom line is you need to get proof. And once you have it, confront (in my case, my ex kept telling me he loved me, and he wasn't doing anything all the way up to me catching him talking to her on the phone. So I would say follow your instincts. I know you have a tough road ahead, but keep me updated. Good Luck
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (3 February 2011):
 If anything is going on behind your back, you firstly need to prepare yourself for the truth...it could be something you work through or it could be the end of your marriage.
You seem to have a fair amount of evidence that something is not quite right and I don't think your husband would be joining these sites (whatever they are) if he was 100% happy.
He has put you in a terrible position and what ever way you deal with it, you are going to be the 'bad guy'.
If you ask him flat out what is going on, then everything depends on his reaction. He could either break down and confess all and promise never to do it again or he might explode in your face and accuse you of spying on him (even though you have good reason and anyone else would do the same)
Gather more evidence if you can! I doubt you can go on as you are, not knowing what is really going on and having your imagination fill in the gaps.
Right now you are having to pussyfoot around the situation, but you are his equal in the marriage and you have a right to know that everything is ok.
You must also look at his behaviour before you got married. Was there ever a reason to doubt his fidelity in the past? If he has given you reason to worry, then I doubt he is ever going to change.
You need to ask him why he's on these sites. Ask the question plain and simple. Don't ask him if he is having an affair because you don't have proof, but you do have proof he is on suspicious sites. That way, he will have to give you a straight answer.
Whatever you are going to hear, you need to prepare yourself and formulate a coping strategy.
My heart goes out to you. I hope you find the truth.
AEx
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A
male
reader, CJH +, writes (3 February 2011):
 You`ll never get anywhere with guesswork.
When you talk to him be clear about what youre saying and his answers should, as a result, be clear.
If youre unhappy with something, theres absolutely no point in putting up with it and hoping it will go away.
Who knows what he`s up to, it could be something, it could be nothing - I have to say, the fact you feel the need to check on him is a worrying sign. In an ideal world, you would both be able to trust each other but of course I understand that things dont always work that way.
If youre going to go checking on him, you should also confront him with what you find. The danger, if you dont do this, is that you will put 2&2 together and come up with the wrong answers.
Nip this in the bud before it blights your marriage - you were married just two months ago, so he obviously loves you and wants to be with you.
Try to enforce an atmposphere of open conversation and that should help you both to enjoy each other more.
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